Double Shot At Love Finale: Torn Between Two Lovers, Feeling Like A Douche

About 10 years ago (when I still lived in L.A.) I was home in Phoenix and out clubbing with some friends when I met a great big corn-fed bubba from Kentucky who was also visiting the desert. I was instantly smitten with this Magic Mountain of a Man (big southern boys are a weakness of mine) and we danced, made out and exchanged email addresses and phone numbers. Within two months we rendezvoused several more times and had fallen deeply in love with one another. I thought about him all the time, we talked on the phone for hours and the sex was so incredible I thought I had died and gone to Gay Porn Heavenâ„¢. The only problem was, I was already in a relationship with a man that I’d spent a third of my life with, someone I still cared deeply for, and yes, was still head-over-heels in love with as well. I lived this insanity for 18 months and finally one day I completely lost my shit and came clean with my longtime BF, who (of course) already knew about the affair, and we decided it would be best if we split up. I moved back home to Phoenix, saddened by the loss of someone I’d had in my life for 11 years, but hopeful for the future. Six months later, my Bubba from Kentucky unceremoniously and cruelly dumped me. I literally felt like I was dying, and could not believe that I had risked everything for love, and wound up completely empty-handed. It was truly the most horrific and painful time I had ever suffered in my entire life… that is, until I began writing about the Ikki Twins…

…and their tacky tinfoil disco-ball wardrobe…

…and now I know what real soul-destroying pain is like: It wears super-short and tight dresses, says “like” every other word, cries a lot over nothing, is insufferably conceited, it’s hair never looks clean, it’s as dumb as pudding, and it has it’s own MTV show… Demon, Thy name is Erica and Victoria Mondreon and this is the finale of A Double Shot At Love! I’m begging you, ‘Gasmii, please don’t abandon me after the jump… I’m scared and I’m going to need a hug (and possibly CPR) when this is all over…Uh-oh, the show starts out tonight playing the “serious drama music”! Rikki and Vikki lounge on a bed under a hideous pink furry blanket, it’s just after they sent Chub-In-Training home (Thank You Jesus!) and Vikki’s asking Rikki “So… do you think the produce–… uh, I mean we made the right choice?” and Rikki replies with a somber “Yeah.” Wow, I had no idea that choosing which dumbfuck to send packing was such a solemn and sobering situation, but it occurs to me, they could be discussing the Israeli-Palestinian-Gaza conflict and it would still be impossible to take them seriously because they are plopped in the middle of a tacky porn-movie set…

…”I’m really concerned about all the bickering on Capital Hill between the President and the Senate over this economic-stimulus bill.”…

Nope, they’re still ridiculous. Anyhow, Vikki’s still hurt, angry and upset over Gnarly Trevor’s cryptic comment during elimination about how he had “said something to Rikki that he hadn’t said in a really long time.” Whatever could he have meant by that? Rikki interviews that she doesn’t really want Vikki to know about Gnarly’s declaration of “love” for her, and tries to lie and say that Trev told her he was falling in love with both of them. Vikki recalls he pretty much just said he had a lot of fun with her (which is manspeak for “You’re easy.”) Burrowing deeper beneath the itchy-looking blanket Vix laments, “Whatever, it doesn’t matter, he’s here now, I’ll make the best of it, if he feels that way about you and he doesn’t feel that way about me then… there’s nothing I can do about it anyways.” Wah wah wah, go wash your hair.

Cue the flashbacks of all of this season’s wacky antics by these fine and upstanding youths who are our brightest and best hope for the future… all the drunken partying, silly competitions, sloppy kissing and fake tears have led us to where we are today… tonight’s “exciting” finale. Who will they choose?

I bet the IkkMansion feels like a house with all the children gone (actually, the house is probably breathing a sigh of relief that most of these filthy skanky famewhores have left, and I’m sure there’s a lot less random vomit to clean out of the carpeting) and we see Barfly ‘Bekah and Gnarly Trevor laying all alone (like slugs) in the giant bed and marvelling at how “crazy” it is that they are the Final Two. Have the Ikkis chosen their possible love-mates well? You be the judge…

…hawtness personified…

Ahhh, here come Rix’N'Vix jiggling their way around the corner wearing bikinis to invite Barfly and Gnarls to a day at the beach! Yay for Beach Blanket Barfness! Barfly is writing “Rebekah ♥ 愚笨的白肤金发的两性的孪生” in the sand (well, that’s what it looked like, anyhow, the camera was purposefully too far away to tell what name she really wrote… use Babelfish if you’d like to know what I think it said), and Gnarly is showing off his surfing skills (“I hope you get eaten by a shaaaark!” yells Barfly). Of course, the Ikkis wouldn’t be human if they couldn’t have a chance to “play” frisbee and jump up and down while wearing bikinis. I’m sure plenty of dirty old men on the beach had unexpected fodder for their masturbatory mind-movies that day!

But let’s get serious for a moment as Vikki takes Gnarly Trevor over to a tent on the beach for some “alone time”. She thinks he stuck his foot in his mouth when he told her about his strong feelings for Rikki, and wants to play mindgames with him until he picks her over her sister open up to him and figure out which one of them he likes more. They both lay in the tent and mumble to each other what great boyfriends/girlfriends they would make for each other. I lay on my couch and mumble to myself that reruns of Tabatha’s Salon Takeover (or 90210, or Mary Tyler Moore, or even Sesame Street) are better than watching this dreck. Then they make out and I start in on another box of Little Debbies…

…I’ll take the redhead over dirty-blondes any damn day…

Over on another part of the beach, Barfly and Rikki are hanging out, and ‘Bekah’s grilling Rix about whether or not she really understands the fact that Barfly has a kid, that it’s a family, and is she really ready for that? The Rikkster insists she loves kids and says her major in college was child-psychology (I guess so she could learn better how to fuck with Vikki’s head) but that Cayden’s not going to be around 24/7 because he’ll be in “school” and the two of them will get to have their “alone-time”.

Okay, A.) Rikki went to college? And 2.) even with “school” how does Rikki think they’re going to get any “alone-time” with a 5-year-old in the house? To this day I am convinced that my parents perfected the art of quickie-sex in the laundry room because for 20 years they never knew when a kid would come tearing through at all hours of the day or night, and it’s the only way I can explain my little brother and sister’s existences. Oh, and third) Rikki is a giant moron…

…with a great ass…

Barfly thinks this was a great conversation, and that it somehow proves that Rikki is all about her, and Cayden, and having a family, and “real love”. Rikki, on the other hand, says that while she finds it “cute” that Barfly’s already had a kid, the reality of actually caring for one is “starting to scare” her a little bit. I wish I could be there to see her face the first time one of her own kids pukes on her.

As the four of them rejoin and sit down to a sand-filled lunch, Vikki tells them that today instead of a stupid and meaningless “challenge”, they will simply be meeting the Ikki’s family when they get back to the house! Oh my, this should be stunning. I can’t wait to see what kind of parents have spawned these two geniuses (plus, it’s always fun to see the uggo-sibs get dragged into the limelight). Bring on the dysfunction!

The Twinz are super-excited that they’re going to get to spend time with their family, and in honor of the occasion they’ve broken out their Psychotic Bee Dresses (ver. 2.0)…

…now I need a Double Shot Of Epinephrine…

Vikki’s saying how they really “need their parents’ comfort” and tearily adds “My dad gives really great hugs!” Awww, that’s so sweet! Although… when you put that in context with an interview the Twins gave to Import Tuner Magazine back in 2005 where they talk about their dad’s penchant for porn it seems a tad creepy:

ITM: Does dad know that you might be playmates?

R: My dad would love it if we were playmates. He is addicted to “Playboy.” He has every issue. When my dad found out, he was really excited for us.

V: When we got home he’d show us the cyber girl of the week.

R: One time he showed us a picture of this girl he was excited about, and a week later we met her.

I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but if my dad was showing me cyber porn and telling me how “excited” it made him, I’d be in talks with Lifetime to make a Movie Of The Week about it. Then again, I don’t think my dad would be too happy if I told him I was going to have a spread in PlayGirl (the “Chub Love” issue, natch!) so I guess theirs is just a different kind of family dynamic than I’m used to.

Anyhow, here is Clan Mondreon knocking at the door now, and we are introduced to Daddy Steve, Mama Becky, Sister Kelly and Brother Steven. Squeals and tears abound as the Twins are reunited with their folks and Vikki’s craving for a DaddyHug is satisfied. And now it’s time to bring them into the backyard to meet up with Gnarly Trevor and Barfly ‘Bekah… and enjoy a delightful cross-examination dinner!…

s

… Awk. Ward. …

Mama Becky wants to know from Gnarly Trev if this whole experience was what he expected it to be, and if it was hard to get a date with the girls. Obviously Mama Becky doesn’t know what kind of losers this house was crawling with just a few short weeks ago. Trevor just says he’s had a fine time getting dates to know the girls and has developed “intense emotions” for them, which makes Mama Becky go “Awww.”

Sensing that she needs to insert herself into all this Gnarly-lovin’, Barfly pipes up that she came here to let her guard down and “find a family” (interesting that she fails to mention how her getting drunk and naked and shaking her ass on tv was a part of this Focus-On-The-Family-Questâ„¢ of hers). Mama Becky goes right for her weak spot by asking in rapid-fire succession, “So you have a son?”, “How old is he?”, “What’s his name?”, “Why aren’t you at home taking care of him?” Okay, she didn’t say that last one, but I’m pretty sure she was thinking it… and as the camera pans around the table at the rest of the non-porn Ikkis the real reason for Rikki and Vikki’s success has become very clear to me in four little words…

… Rhi. No. Plas. Ty. …

After the awkward dinner, Barfly is up first to be grilled by have some private conversation with Mama Becky and Daddy Steve. ‘Bekah thinks she’s ready for any question that might get hurled at her. Mama Becky isn’t playing around, either, because the first thing she says out the box is that she’s had a lot of girl friends who have been with women until the “right guy” comes along and then they’re suddenly straight. (*cough*AnneHeche*cough*)

Barfly counters this by insisting that there’s really only ever been one guy she was in love with, and that was Cayden’s father. Besides that, she’s always been carpet munching. Mama Becky interviews that ‘Bekah is a “package deal” because her son comes with her, and she’s not sure that Rikki and Vikki are ready to be moms yet because “they’re both awfully young.” I hate to say it, but it looks like youth didn’t stop Barfly from becoming one. Besides, I think what’s really Mama Becky’s really saying is…

…”I’m not ready to be a grandma.”…

Meanwhile, Gnarly Trev is off with the Ikki siblings, and Sister Kelly has the exact same annoying speech patterns as the Twins as she demands of Trevor, “If, like, you were chosen, or whatever, like, would you move out to California to live with them?” He mumbles “I dunno.” Kelly persists with her harpy-like interrogation, “Would you be ready to marry one of my sisters, and, like, start a family?” Gnarls looks irritated and replies that he thinks it’s a little too early to talk about marriage just yet. Brother Steven just looks uncomfortable and embarrassed to be there. Sister Kel just looks like the Wicked Bitch of the West (all she needs is a hairy face-mole and a broom).

After that fun little chat, Gnarls is prepared to Meet The Parents. He repeats that he’s developed feelings for both of the girls and mentions how much fun he has with Vikki and how Rikki shares a lot of personality traits with him. Daddy Steve is clearly not impressed as he interviews “Trevor just seemed so hard-pressed to spit out what he thought we wanted to hear. I don’t think he’s the right guy for my girls.”…

…This coming from a guy who’s balding and yet still wears a ponytail….

How very Steven Seagal of him. And kinda dickish. Did he think Trevor was going to tell him something like “Your daughter makes my penis real hard and I’d like to put it in every single bodily orifice that she has.”? (Welllll, Scotty would prolly have said that, so who knows?) Then again, I’m sure with most daddies it’s always a case of “No boy is good enough for my daughter.” right? We’ll see in a moment.

While Daddy Steve and Mama Becky continue to glare at Gnarly Trevor, Barfly’s attempting to charm Brother Stevie and Sister Kels, she’s asking how surprised they were when they found out the Twins were bringing them there to meet a girl that they might be falling in love with. This is incredibly stupid. Does she think this is the first time they’ve ever heard that their sisters are bisexual? Anyhow, Brother Stevie continues his Helen Keller impersonation while Sister Kelly blabbles that she thinks both Barfly and Gnarly are “really cool people” who would be good for her sisters.

The Ikkitestants say goodnight and the Twins go off to spend time with their family and get their impressions of Gnarls and Barfly. Sister Kels says that both Trev and ‘Bekah seem to care a lot for the girls. RIkki wants to know what Brother Steven thinks, which one did he warm up to more? He mutters his only two words this entire episode: “Rebekah. Yeah.”

It’s time for daddy Steve to weigh in, and while he says he thinks the Ikkitestants are both nice kids, “I worry about that you guys are so high-maintenance, though, and that, uh, neither one of them are going to be able to provide for you the way you want to be provided for. I mean, you guys strike me as trophy wives, as dating movie stars… not a boat captain or a bartender.” Ahhhh, I get it now, the real reason he doesn’t like Gnarly or Barfly is…

…he’s an asshole…

Mama Becky agrees with Daddy Steve, so now I kinda hate her a little, too. Personally I suspect that their dislike of lowly boat captains and bartenders has less to do with their supposed concern for the Twins’ happiness than their own financial bottom-line. It’s clear that Daddy feels his girls should be banging A-listers instead of common folk. The girls start to cry and Rikki insists that they’re looking for someone to spend up until next season the rest of their lives with, and “those things” (i.e. money) don’t matter to them.

Privately Rikki thinks it’s nuts that her dad said this, and seems surprised that he wants them to be “trophy wives”, because they’ve never been that way. Vikki says talking with their familiy wasn’t has helpful as she thought it would be. Aaaaaand with that rather uncomfortable segue, the evening is over and the Twinz see their folks to the door and we head to commercial…

…I’m curious if Daddy Steve would be cool with Seth Rogen making a porno with his daughters…

Off-topic, if you haven’t seen Zack And Miri Make A Porno, put it on your Netflix, I promise you won’t be disappointed… you get to see Seth’s chubby naked ass, Jay (minus Silent Bob) in full frontal nudity, and someone gets pooped on. What more could you want? [/plug]

It’s a brand new day and there’s a “Message In A Bottle” for Barfly and Gnarly, outlining the night’s activities (‘Bekah will have dinner with Vikki, while Trev will eat with Rikki, and they’ll all switch up for dessert). Last date before the big showdown! Barfly runs off to douche while Gnarly just looks sleepy.

‘Bekah’s date with Vikki is being staged in a set piece decorated to look like a “beautiful wine cellar” with Italian food in a romantical setting. I bet Olive Garden catered it. As they sit and pretend to eat all that heavy, fatteningly delicious food, Vikki’s telling Barfly how beautiful and amazing she is, and Barfly’s telling Vikki how beautiful and amazing she is, and I’m teling Ben & Jerry how beautiful and amazing they (and their Coffee Heath Bar Crunchâ„¢) are, and it seems like the whole world is in love tonight…

…♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥…

Gnarly Trevor and Rikki’s date is set in a small cabin with “a vineyard” right behind them. Wow, when did a vineyard suddenly appear on this property? Anyhow, as they sit down to dinner, instead of just gushing stupidly at one another, Trevor actually wants to talk about what happened in Vegas. Ruh-roh. “It’s not like, I’m not falling in love with you, and, like, it’s not like you don’t have a part of my heart, it’s just… I dunno, it’s not, like, something, like, I’m a thousand percent committed to, and I’ve stressed to you before how much the word means to me. I dunno, I think I said it a little bit too early and I would like to kinda, just try to step back a little bit, and maybe take it a little bit slower.” Ouch. I think this is the kind of thing that maybe should have stayed in Vegas.

Now Rikki looks kinda pissed, and insists that her feelings for him have not changed, in fact, they’ve grown stronger. Privately she interviews that she knows she’s in love with him and is afraid he might be falling for Vikki, too, so she takes the plunge (sorta) and tells him that she’s “falling in love” with him. Then they make out as their food gets cold.

Back over at the Whine Cellar, Vikki and Barfly are also making out, and the cameraman doesn’t even try to pretend anymore that this isn’t soft-core as he slowly pans down their writhing bodies…

…Barfly should have used some concealer on that distracting knee-zit…

Barfly says she needs a cold shower right now. Have one later Barfly, and take Vikki with you, her hair still looks dirty. It’s time for them to switch it up. Gnarly joins Vikki and tells her how great the experience has been because he’s fallen in love. “You’ve fallen in love?” repeats a starry-eyed Vix hopefully. Trev nervously laughs and says “Um. I can’t completely say that cuz there’s someone else that I do have feelings for, too. I still have feelings for your sister.” *record scratch*

Upon hearing this, Vikki does the passive-agressive thing and goes totally ice-queen on him. I guess he didn’t see in the Book Of Ikki-mandments where it is written “Thou Shalt Not Speak Of My Sister In My Presence”. He smooths it over by telling Vix how much she’s on his mind and that he thinks of her as “a girlfriend” which causes them to make out.

Back over at the Platonic PlayPlaceâ„¢ Rikki and Barfly are reminiscing about all the fun things they’ve done together, and Rikki’s telling her she wishes the best for her and how she’ll always care for her, and might as well tell her right now that she’s not picking her, it’s that obvious.

Hey, it’s another day and Gnarly Trev and Barfly ‘Bekah are checking into a hotel for some reason. They must be fumigating the IkkMansion. Trevor doesn’t look happy about it, either…

…*sigh* “I miss the stripper-pole and doing Ikki-oke…”…

Gnarly Trevor’s getting ready for the Big Reveal and thinking back to how he didn’t believe he even had a chance with Rikki at all when he first met her (that’s because Chubbsy’s tongue was in the way), and how much trouble he had telling the Twins apart for so long. He thinks once he got to know Vikki he was able to see “the differences in their personalities”. Really? Because they still seem identically drama-queeny and bimbo-esque to me, and I’m a lot more perceptive (and sober) than Trev is. Still, he seems to be leaning more towards Rikki.

Meanwhile, over in her anonymous hotel room, Barfly’s also getting ready and thinking about how things started off so rocky with Vikki (when she told her she just wanted to be besties and date/fuck Rikki) and now it seems as though Vikki has “caught” her heart, mostly due to the whole bonding-with-Cayden thing (and partially due to the whole “Vikki-taking-off-her-top-and-rubbing-her-naked-boobs-all-over-’Bekah-in-Vegas thing).

…*sigh* ♪ “Tooo-niiiiiiight, ♪ tooo-niiiiiiight, ♪ won’t beee just aaaany niiiiight.♪..”…

Barfly and Gnarls each get in a separate limo and leave the hotel. Back over at the IkkMansion, the Twinz are back in the 80′s Porn Bedroom and trying their best to look pensive and thoughtful, nobody understands how confused they are, and this is such a haaaaaard decision and people’s lives are going to chaaaaaange, and wah wah, we know you have to drag this shit out for another 20 minutes, shut up about it already. They don’t listen to me, and for the kabillionth time say that if they pick the same person, that person will have to choose between them and someone could get their heart broken. I’m afraid my TV might get broken from me throwing it on the floor if I have to listen to much more of this.

In the limo ride on the way over, Barfly is saying that she knows for sure she loves Vikki, while Gnarly Trevor’s saying he could see either Twin being his girlfriend. The Twins have dressed in their worst outfit ever! Seriously, were those dresses designed by Jeffrey Sebelia? Because they look like leftover rejects from 60′s Star Trek (or even 80′s Buck Rogers In The 25th Century)…

…*sigh* would it have killed them to have worn something nice for a change?…

At least their asses aren’t hanging out for once. Where’s Squircangle when you need her to come up with a new shape? Anyhow, they’re making their way out to the pool, where two bottom-lit platforms have been set up in the middle of the water for them to stand on. Let’s hope there isn’t a small earthquake in the next 15 minutes, it would be tragic if they went into the drink along with an electrical light-fixture or two and there couldn’t be another season of this awesome show because they got flash-fried. On second thought, that wouldn’t matter, because vinyl doesn’t conduct electricity….

…the only things these dollies are askerd of is pins, nails, scissors, knives and cactii…

I will spare you all the blather from these two about how excited they are to start their “new lives” with their new “loves”. The limo pulls up to the IkkMansion, and it’s completely not a surprise that Barfly is the first one out. She says if both the Twins pick her (not gonna happen) it wouldn’t be the ideal situation. Her idea of “perfect” would be for Vikki to pick her, Rikki to pick Gnarly Trevor, and everyone lives happily ever after. She says she’s the happiest girl in the world right now… (and she’s headed for a ravine).

‘Bekah makes her way to the literal fork in the road that leads to IkkVille, and Rix’N'Vix each tell her how gorgeous she is. Rikki calls her forward first, and after blowing smoke up Barfly’s ass about how she’s beautiful on both the outside and the inside (she must have a sparkling colon!) she says she came there looking for love and found it… and it’s not with Barfly! “I’m sorry, but your shot at love with me has ended. I’m in love with Trevor.” Shocker! Barfly’s not upset, she says she’s happy that Rikki’s found love with Trev and they’ll always be BFFs. Then they cry on each other. “You still have a shot at love with my sister.” says Rikki, and sends ‘Bekah on her way to take the other fork…

Vikki blows even more anal-smoke as she says how much fun she’s had getting to know Barfly and thanks her for sharing her hopes and dreams (and letting her son make poopie in her lap) and says she says “I, too, have fallen in love… but unfortunately for you it’s with Trevor.”…

…*ccccccc-cccccrrrrrraaaaaaa-aaaaacccccckkkkk!*…

Rikki immediately bursts into tears. Not for Barfly, no, she could care less about her new BFF… it’s hearing that Vikki’s in love with Trevor that’s making her sad, because now she knows either her or her sister are going to have their heart broken, and that’s pretty much all that matters to her at this point. Vikki, on the other hand, feels sorta bad and is hugging Barfly (but she’s certainly not shedding any tears like ‘Bekah now is).

Taking her Walk Of Shameâ„¢ back to the waiting limo, Barfly says “It sucks to be lied to. I feel really gullible and stupid.” Once safely inside (and in front of the Limo Camâ„¢) she completely breaks down, and I have to say I feel a little bad for her, (even though she’s giving me absolutely nothing to work with) as she resists being bitter, saying VIkki is a “perfect woman” and wishing her happiness no matter what happens. Oh ‘Bekah…

…that bitch does not deserve your tears…

“And now, I just wanna go home to my son…” she sobs as her limo speeds away into the night. Bye Rebekah, I know you’re sad now, but i think you’ve dodged a double-bullet on this one. These girls were never ready to be moms, they’d have dumped you and your kid at the first freeway entrance within a month.

Back over at Casa De Not-Really-Bisexual, Rikki and Vikki are avoiding looking at each other, and Rix cautiously opines, “So I guess it’s gonna be Trevor making the final decision…” Vix says nothing. Here comes the limo bearing our Gnarly Trevor, who’s reminding us (in case we missed the first 63 flashbacks of it) that he told Rikki he loves her, and she told him that she loves him… but Vikki’s still “really important” to him as well. My eyes are telling me that they’re having trouble staying open.

Now’s the time, because he’s arrived at The Fork. After a silly speech by each one of the Twinsies, they tell him they’ve fallen in love with him and both want to take a shot at love with him. As always, Trev’s reaction to this news is hard to gauge…

…I can’t tell if this is Trevor “shocked” and “surprised” or Trevor “happy” and “satisfied”…

Maybe that’s his “Trevor about to hurl” look. Vikki tells him, “Trevor, now it’s up to you.” and the screen goes black! Oooh, did Jesus have mercy on my soul and make my cable go out? No, cuz here’s yet another commercial for The Boring Real World.

Back at the snoozefest exciting drama, Gnarly says “I din’t think I was gonna be here right now.” Really, Trev? Because they’ve only been telegraphing this ending for, oh, the last four episodes or so. He mumbles to Rikki that he thinks she’s an “incredible girl” (I agree, she has no credibility) and they’ve had a connection since the beginning. Then he stops and says he needs a minute. The girls look at each other nervously.

Finally, he looks up and mutters “I have to be true to my heart, and…” he starts walking towards Vix, finishing with “Vikki, I wanna be with you.” and they share their first True Love’s Kiss…

…while R(eject)ikki is forced to watch…

Vikki meanwhile is on cloud nine, sobbing “I’m sorry you had to do that, but I’m really happy you did!” Yes, this was such a Sophie’s Choice kind of situation! Gnarls interviews that the reason he chose Vikki was because they have so much fun, she makes him laugh, and they share a lot of the same interests (like skateboarding… and chicks! Hope that one doesn’t come back to bite him in the ass later on).

Ahh, but in the midst of all this stupidity happiness, there is a sad porn queen with a broken heart (sheathed in a tacky sequined dress, which would be reason enough to put me into dismal tears) and Rikki starts walking back into the IkkMansion, eventually running and doing her best to sob convincingly. Her departure causes Vikki to remember she has a Twin Sister, and then to look Upset and Concernedâ„¢…

…she’s prolly wondering why Rix isn’t coming over to congratulate her…

Rikki’s run back to the 80′s Porn Bedroom and is all cry-ey faced, interviewing how hurt she is that Gnarly Trevor didn’t pick her, especially when they flash back to how he told her he loved her! Hold up, wait a minute! Yeah, he said he loved her! That bastard!

Gnarls and Vix are still gazing into each other’s eyes when suddenly Rikki storms back out to the pool-platform. I wake up a little. Is someone going to get shoved into the pool (and a lighting-tree tossed in after them)? Vikki looks like she’s having the same fears. Rikki stalks out to the platform and gives Vikki a hug and a lifeless “Congratulations.” and turning to Gnarly Trevor, takes his hands and says “I hope that you can be a little bit more real with her than you were with me!” He tries to say something, but she has pulled free of him and is flouncing back into the house, refusing to speak further. Drama queen! And what’s this? Is Trevor actually crying?…

…perhaps Rikki farted at him when she walked off as her way of being “real”…

Before she can escape into the IkkMansion, Vikki calls out to her and Rix stops, turns around and says “I’m really happy for you guys!” (in a tone that clearly implies “I hope you both get tenacious urinary infections!”) Then she repeats her scripted heartfelt warning almost verbatim: “I hope that you’re more real with her than you were with me. That’s all!” and she stomps away.

Vikki’s looking troubled and saying “Uhhhhh” a lot. Gnarly looks at her and mutters, “It’s not that I wasn’t being real with her…” and Vix shushes him saying “Uhhhhh, I dunno…” Vikki interviews that she has no idea what is going on when Rikki makes that cryptic and vague statement. Gnarls is telling Vikki he hopes this doesn’t tear apart his relationship with Rikki, he still wants to be friends. “What was she talking about?” asks Vikki. Time to face the floozies, Trev!

Taking a deep breath, he admits “She’s talking about the fact that… I told her at one point… that I did love her… when we were in Vegas. I said it, and it din’t feel right… and I kinda freaked out… and those are words that I reserve for the person who has 100% of my heart, and… she din’t at the time… and, uh, I just kinda panicked, I think… and, uh, I made the decision that I wanna be with you because… I-I mean that I do love you.” Vikki’s just staring at him and looks like she might actually be thinking…

…”Let’s see… do I wanna be with this guy?… or do I want a second season on MTV?”…

“So are you sure about your feelings for me?” she asks. He responds “I’m positive about my feelings for you.” and goes on a long speech about all the reasons why he loves her and I’m falling asleep again. I’m waiting for her to ask him “Are you really-super-duper-ultra-mega-totally-completely-positively-1000%-cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die-swear-on-a-stack-of-bibles-and-your-unspent-sperm sure that you love me?” and then hopefully he’ll grow a pair and push her off the platform himself.

Instead, she finally responds “Okay, so tell me you love me again.” He obliges, “I love you.” and she giggles back “I love you, too!” and they make out some more… and the camera swoops out on them… and then cuts to one last shot of Rikki in the 80′s Porn Bedroom practicing her crying…

…Wah. …

And that’s it! THAT’S IT!!! I’M DONE WITH THIS SHOW!!!!!! Oh, wait, there’s still another half-hour I’ll have to recrap. But, there you have it! Was that the lamest ending or what? Although, I suppose they could have gone even lamer and had Vikki dump Gnarls right then and there, and for sure there’d be another season with these two bitches. I half-expected that was what was going to happen… although this half-hour wrap-up show coming up is called “One Shot Too Many” so we’ll see, I guess.

What did you think of this episode? Did the Twins make the right decision? Did Trevor? Does anybody care? Is there any vodka or rum left in this house? I am ready to get hammered myself. Thanks all of you for taking time out to read about this terrible show, I did my best to try and put some lipstick and glitter on these pigs for you, and I hope you enjoyed it a little at least. I’ll be back in another day with the final FINAL episode recap. Pray for my soul…

love, J-Mo