Double Shot At Love: The Afterbirth

Are you there, God? It’s me, J-Mo. Normally I don’t bother You too much, because most of the time I’m just down here on this little planet of ours, living my life, trying to be kind to others (when not recapping), working my job, loving my BF and having a fabulous night of dancing for drag queens here and there (as well as doing my best to avoid getting the living shit knocked out of me by some of Your more zealous followers). Anyhow, I just wanted to ask You for a small favor. Can you please make it so that there is never again another season of this show? Ever? Under any circumstances? Pretty please?…

…and BTW, have I thanked You enough yet for this image?…

…how sad that Vikki shoving Rikki off a chair was the highlight of this season. I know that You have a lot on Your plate right now, what with the Global Economy in shambles and wars in the Middle East and Kanye West in such desperate need to receive awards and all (he’s in dire need of Your help with his hair, that’s for sure… that shit on the Grammys last night was a Cry For Divine Styling Interventionâ„¢ if I’ve ever seen one, I’m afraid if You don’t step in at some point he’s going to wind up trotting the Jhericurl out again) but please know that I am not asking this just for myself… I’m asking it for the good of humanity that no one be subjected to A Double Shot At Love ever again. Except for this last placental half-hour wrap-up that was aptly subtitled “One Shot Too Many”. I’m sure You’ll understand what I mean after the jump… love, J-Mo Well, here we are again, and this time I promise it’s for the last time under these less-than-favorable circumstances. When we left our riveting Ikki-drama at the end of the Finale, there appeared to be some lingering trouble in Vikki’s mind regarding Gnarly Trevor saying the L-word to her sister, and then turning around and choosing to be with her. Rikki made sure to get her last digs in after being so cruelly rejected by swooping back out and spitting “I hope that you can be a little bit more real with her than you were with me!” in Trevor’s face before stomping off to fake-cry some more. Although Vikki already claimed to know that Gnarls had dropped the L-bomb in Vegas, she wanted him to tell her again, and he made some fumbling explanations and then it appeared the Vix was cool with it and they swapped another gallon of each other’s germ-laden spit. The end.

Or was it? I’m not sure the exact reason for this extra half hour of “One Shot Too Many”, but I fear they’re setting us up for yet another season of this crap show. If so, then it’s clear that God is too busy with Kanye to listen to little ol’ me. I have further evidence of this when I see the Master Of The Knee-Slapper (and King Of The Canned Laugh-Track) Ryan Stout is once again cursing gracing us with his presence as host…

…”Please come see me at my upcoming shows in Kirkland, Wa., New Brunswick, NJ. and Kansas City, KS… please?”…

Ryan starts out attempting to feed the lameness drama by saying he wasn’t sure Gnarly Trevor was going to “pull it off” and that the Finale left him with “more questions than answers”. Tonight, Rikki and Vikki will soak up more attention and tell us what they really thought about the way “things went down”, they’ll have to face Barfly for the first time since they dumped her ass, and we’ll get to see more footage of what really happened shortly after Gnarly Trev made his choice.

All this usage of the phrase “what really happened” implies that what we saw on the show was heavily edited and/or scripted. I’d expect that, this is, after all, a “reality” show, and we all know that means it’s as fake as the Twinsies nosies. OH, and if you’re not already changing the channel, apparently later on Gnarls drops “a bombshell” and we’re given a teaser of Vikki crying and saying “If that’s the case then you completely picked wrong!”. Zzzzzzzz.

Thankfully we are spared having to hear the full-on intro of that shitty song “Ooh Uh Huh” by “The Millionaires” (now there’s a music group name that’s about as fitting as me doing hip-hop under the moniker “Slender Straight Dude”) and RyRy says in order to “best understand how it all happened”, we need to talk with the ladies who became the “first pair of twins ever to look for love as a team.” Who wrote this shit? They’re not the first twins ever to do anything remotely original! Anywhore, here come Rix’N'Vix, and they don’t look much different than before except for once they’re not wearing identical clothing… (but they’ve both added identical brunette extensions under their same dirty-blonde weaves)…

…to less than stellar results, I might add…

I’ve never been much of a fan of fudge-marble-swirl hair-coloring, and you’ll understand why in a few minutes. Stouty starts off saying how inseparable the two of them are (the Twinz even live together, I bet no other Twins in the world do that!) and wants to know what made them decide to go on TV and look for “love” together (other than because MTV paid them to do so).

Vikki claims that in the past they’ve had problems because their various boyfriends/girlfriends don’t always get along with their lover’s twin, so they wanted to make sure everyone was compatible… and Vix admits that they were “too compatible” with Trevor, perhaps…. aaaaand it’s time for the first flashback sequence (which the majority of this refried ep is gonna be, so it should go quickly)…

Over several shots of the Ikkis being slutty and trampy and skanky, Vikki voiceovers that normally she and Rikki don’t share or date the same people at the same time (well, not unless there is a large cash sum and Hef involved), and Rikki says that all of the deliberations were really haaaard for her because she felt like she was always the one making the decisions and having to convince Vikki to go along with her. Interesting concept, I think that right there is a perfect example of “Manipulative Victimhood”, as in “It really sucks when I have to browbeat you into doing things my way.” Obviously, this tactic ended up backfiring on her at one point…

…and don’t you just love how Vikki’s ass is hanging out of that skankdress?…

Fast forward the rest of the show to the fateful Gnarly Showdown, and both Twins are insisting that while they’re usually there for each other, this time they’re going to be completely selfish and go for what they want… and what they both wanted, apparently, was a slack-jawed mumbler with dirty hair.

I’m sure Rikki is loving having to watch herself lose on the studio monitors all over again as Trevor picks Vikki and she makes her petulant declaration “I’m happy for you guys!” Vix interviews, “Whatever… I ended up with him, I’m happy, you can say whatever you want, but I know the truth… I won fair and square!” As they head back to the studio, it’s clear that Rikki’s none too happy hearing Vikki say that…

…careful, Vix! I think someone’s contemplating shoving someone off a couch!…

If they really decide to throw down on each other, I hope Ryan gets blinded by a stray piece of flying hair-weave. Anyways, Stouty wants to know why Vikki thought she won fairly, does she think Rikki doesn’t play fairly? Then the Twins get in a big old catfight about that time in Vegas when they had Trevor on their private date and Rikki “unfairly” began making out with him when Vikki got up to pout over by the window, and raaaarr and waahhh and pppffflllblffft!

“Tell me about that moment with The Shove.” asks Ryan. What’s to tell? She pushed the bitch off a fabulous chair made to look like one of the Jolly Green Giant Drag Queen’s fave pair of leopard-skin pumps! After rehashing that scene to death, Rikki makes a stupid stunning admission: “I honestly, naively as this sounds, I thought that everybody was falling in love with me… and that sounds stupid now because obviously I think Rebekah would have picked Vikki given the opportunity… and Trevor obviously picked her as well.” I can’t argue or refute that, nor would I want to.

Speaking of Barfly, it’s time to bring out the Ikkitestant that Ryan sensitively describes as having had “her heart broken twice in one night!” and out comes ‘Bekah, and she actually looks quite stunning since she ditched the awful blonde-streaking and went all soft-reddish-brunette… she almost looks like, well, a lady…

…a lady in a too-short dress, but still, she comes closer to classy than either of the Ikkis…

Mildly interesting, she comes out and gives Rikki a hug, and then the camera cuts away to the audience, I guess to give the impression that she didn’t give Vikki one? We can’t know, I’m betting she did and those tricksy producers just want us to think that there’s still animosity and bitchiness going on.

The Stoutmeister wants to relive how Barfly got to this point, so they flash back to her slutting it up with Rikki, telling Vikki she just wants to be “besties”, then her son Cayden being entranced by Vikki’s boobs, followed by Mommy Barfly getting to feel up said boobs in all their soft fleshy glory in Las Vegas, and then we see ‘Bekah’s subsequent rejection by Rikki, her eager running to Vikki’s side, only to be double-dissed within two minutes by the woman that she thought she loved, ending with her tears and sobs…

Seeing all this again causes the Twins to start to make cry-ey face again… I’d hate to see those two sit through a movie on Lifetime. Anyhow, noticing all the crocodiling going on, Ryan affects his “sensitive voice” and says “I see you guys are a little, uhhh, a little shaken by that.” Funny, but ‘Bekah herself is completely dry-eyed and looking fiercely fabulous…

…”Screw these two.”…

Softly she says “It was crazy to see that. To lose both of them in one night was a lot, and I’m still a little bit… I don’t want to say ‘bitter‘ but that’s the only word I can think of right now, I’m still a little bit bitter.” Girl, I think you’ve got a bitter pass for the rest of the show, especially when we see the silly pouty face that Vikki’s making while Barfly is talking…

…”Is oo weawwy mad at mee? I stiww wuvs oo. Vikki feew vewy bad ‘n’ soww-wyyyy.”…

Can it, bitch! You tossed her aside like a used condom, I think she should have the right to take a few free shots of hate at your head. Anyhow, ‘Bekah’s saying that she honestly thought in the end she’d be in Gnarly Trevor’s position of having to choose between the Twins, and that Vikki’s not picking her was a nasty surprise. She recounts how excited she was when Rikki said no, and she ran over to Vikki, but in the middle of Vikki’s lame speech “all of a sudden I just get this sick feeling in my stomach… and I just knew.” Ouch.

In response, Vikki tries to play the victim, talking about how haaaard it was for her to dooooo that (and like a real bitch says she “almost” changed her mind, which I’m sure ‘Bekah appreciates hearing) but in the end she had to “go with her heart” and pick Trevor. I’m hating her even more, and you want to know why? Not once does she look at Barfly and just simply say “I’m sorry I hurt you.” it’s just the same old egocentric narcissistic self-centered wah wah wah. You’ve got a real winner there, Trev…

…wouldn’t it be awesome if there was a great big booger hanging out of her nose and that was what they were looking at?…

RyRy asks Barfly if she has any questions for the Ikkis, and she mentions the interview she saw where they said maybe they should send her home because they didn’t want to take Cayden away from his family, and she wants to know if that was a factor in Vikki dumping her. Vikki insists that while it was a concern of hers, it wasn’t what decided her. I think the real reason that they’re not stating is that they sent ‘Bekah home because they’re not really bisexual, and they didn’t want to deal with a little snotnosed kid expecting to be, you know, cared for. You’re well shut of these two assholes, Barfly, go get you a local girl who’s not such a child herself, K? Mwah.

Now it’s time to bring out Gnarly Trevor, who makes a beeline for Vikki so they can suck each other’s lips into new and interesting shapes. “Are you guys done? You need the couch or anything?” says Ryan. Ha ha. That’s obviously his version of “blue humor”. “How weird is this moment right now?” he asks. Vix says it’s “bittersweet” because while she’s so happy to see Gnarls again, on the other hand she’s got Rikki who’s “like, crying and stuff, and, like, heartbroken?” and then she giggles and says she was over Rikki in, like, a day. There’s that deep twin-sister-love for you. I got what I want, so fuck you, go cry somewhere else. It’s only then that I notice Rikki is not on stage with them, otherwise I think she might have bitchslapped her sister for being so flippant (much as I wish I could bitchslap both of them for being so annoying).

Anyhow, I need a nap, so let’s watch Trevor’s “journey” to Ikki-victory, shall we? From their first kisses, to his being unable to tell the Twins apart (even though by then they were each wearing a helpful “V” and “R” pendant), to his hard-won private dates, to his telling Rikki in Vegas how he loved her. Could I see that footage for a 184th time, please? I haven’t yet memorized all the inflections in his voice. This all culminates in his picking Vikki. Yawn.

Stoutmeister asks Gnarly Trev what went through his mind when both of these smokin’-hot twins told him they were in love with him, and he replies that it was the biggest decision he’s ever had to make… and then thinks about what he just said and amends it, “Well, not the biggest, but top three, top five decisions that I’ve ever had to make in my life.” I’m hoping that choosing an Ikki came after such weighty quandaries as “paper or plastic”, “regular fries or curly” and “boxers or briefs”.

Our Humorless Host goes on to ask what it was that decided Trev on Vikki. He claims that in the last couple of days they just “connected on so many levels” and I am flat-out sick to death of hearing that phrase from dating-competition contestants. If you asked them to describe the “levels” they wouldn’t have a clue, because if I’m being honest, the only level any of these people ever “connected” on is the one known as “superficial”.

RyRy wants to know what’s next for these two, and sounding rather dubious, Gnarls says he’s moving out to California so they’ll be close to one another. Vikki brightly observes that this will make their relationship “not long-distance”. I observe that Trevor doesn’t really look all that thrilled with having to uproot himself…

…has he had botox already? cuz he always looks like that…

Well, they’ll be thrilled to know that Ryan wishes them all the best. Thanks Ryan. Have fun in Kansas City, KANSAS next April. Oh, but wait, we still have one bit of unfinished business to attend to… when we come back “things take a turn for the worst!” intones Stouteroo. Jesus, that can only mean one thing. A second season. Fuuuuuuuuck!

After the break, Rikki is brought back onstage and she does not give Trevor a hug, barely even allowing him to put a hand on her back as she sits down on the couch with him and Vix…

…”Don’t touch me, you fucker!”…

Reminiscing about That Night, Rix says that she got sad because she thought that her sister Vikki was going to be the one to wind up “heartbroken”. Now they cue the “unseen footage” of what really happened after Trev made his devastating choice. It would have been cool if Rikki was on the phone with Barfly telling her to come back, but that would have been too imaginative.

No, instead, Vikki tells Gnarls to wait while she goes to comfort her sister. In the 80′s Porn Bedroom, Rikki’s sobbing and saying “If someone tells you that they love you, and then they take it back… obviously they don’t!” They replay The Footage, but this time they show how Rikki reacted to Trev’s L-word by squinting and making a great big I-Need-Beano-Face, which is not exactly a ringing affirmative when you say to someone that you love them. She’s been glossing over this part and focusing solely on the fact of his saying the word.

Mistress of the obvious, Vikki consoles her, “If he said it and he took it back, that sucks.” At this point Gnarly Trevor made his appearance in the room, causing Rikki to say “Fucking-A! I can’t talk to him right now!” Trev forges ahead anyhow, mumbling that she is still going to be a part of their lives and the last thing he wants is for her to hate him. She goes off! “If it was an accident that you said it, like, it happens! It happens all the time! Like, men say that to women when they wanna have sex!”…

…Wow, that’s far more self-awareness than I would have given either of them credit for!…

She’s continuing! “But then, you just told her that you loved her, and you just told me yesterday that it’s too early to say that?” Trevor buries his face in his hands. Vikki interviews that if this had been the other way around and Gnarls had picked Rikki, she would just accept it, and feels like Rikki’s raining on her parade. Oh, come off it, Vix! You know you’d be doing the exact same thing your sister is doing right now if he’d dumped your (barely covered) ass!

“But, I mean, you’ll prove yourself,” Rikki says, her voice dripping with sarcasm, “You’re always really honest with your feelings!” Gnarls tries the “Manipulative Victim” route, asking if she thought he wanted to have to choose between them, and she calls him “cowardly” and apologizes to Vikki for being mean to her “boyfriend” as she starts the waterworks again. Rix interviews that she’s really quite happy for Vikki, but admits she’s mad at Trevor, and doesn’t know how long it’s going to take before she’s not mad at him any more. I don’t know how long it’s going to take before my fingers don’t involuntarily cramp up when I know I have a recap due.

Back in the studio, Ryan Stout whips out his bitchclaws, “Who takes back ‘I love you.’?” Ooooh, my answer would have been “Any girl who dates you, Ryan!” Seriously, what a tool. Isn’t there a vacancy for this asshat over at the Academy, PopPrincess? Trevor’s response is almost as cool, as he just says “Apparently I do.” LOLz, Gnarls!

Forging ahead, Trev brings up Rikki’s hesitation and silence when he initially said it to her, and says that 20 seconds of silence felt like 10 minutes and he wanted to turn around and throw up. I know exactly how you feel, Trev, watching this hour-long show seems to take days, and I’m constantly nauseous…

…Dude, she totally harshed his mellow!…

Rikki jumps in to say she wishes he would have shared that with her so they could have talked about it (conveniently forgetting that he asked her immediately why she made a face when he said it, and she didn’t really answer him). She attacks him again with the whole You-said-it-was-too-soon-and-then-you-said-it-to-Vikki-thing and he realizes that trying to explain it is futile, so he gives up and states very matter-of-factly, “I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have said it.” You know, it occurs to me that her being such a fucking shrew to him is only making him happier with his choice.

I have to give Gnarls some cool points, because now he actually apologizes to Rikki (which, if you recall, neither Twin did for Barfly) and says he didn’t ever mean to hurt her like that. Stoutman wants to know if it was her bad reaction that led him to change his mind, and Trevor is quite forthright, “The face that she kinda made when I said ‘I love you’ was like, exactly the face that you don’t wanna get when you say that to someone…”

…kiiiinda like the one she’s making now…

…”and it kinda made me question, like, maybe she’s not feeling the same way that I am?” Rikki’s been making Poo Face during this whole speech, and now bitchily jumps in with “Oh, so you’re saying that if I had said it back then it would have been different?” Trevor fires right back, “You don’t think it might have been different?…” which draws “Oooooooooohhhhh, no he DI-ent!”s from the studio audience and makes Vikki suddenly look all insecure and teary-eyed. HA!

“…Cuz I think it would have probably been a little bit different!” finishes Trevor. Noticing Vix’s teary eyes, Ryan asks what she thinks about all of this. With her best dramatic flair, Vikki stutters, “Can I… walk… off the set?” What?!? What’s all this bullshit? “Do you want to walk off the set?” says Ry, “Why would you want to walk off?” Struggling with all her faux-emotions, Vikki stammers, “Now I’m thinking, like, for me, I can’t tell someone I love them if I’m not in a monogamous relationship with them, and that’s probably why Rikki didn’t say it back to him!” Oh puh-leeze, the writing on “The Hills” is more believable than this drivel!…

…I’m sure she cries on cue by imagining she’s Heidi Montag-Pratt…

“…and she’d probably, given the chance, if they were gonna be, like, in a monogamous relationship, woulda said it!” (huh?… okay, nobody can accuse me of not recapping in English here, I’m only telling you exactly what she said, K?) “So, if that’s the case, then you completely picked wrong and you should be with her!” Trevor realizes that he’s in a no-win situation here and says “Like, I fell in love with two girls, and that’s the bottom line.” Vikki seems to not want to hear it and I’m getting a very bad feeling about all of this…

Suddenly, Rikki comes to Trev’s defense, saying “Look, he fell in love with two girls and he chose the one that he thought would be better for him… and that’s you!”, which earns her a collective “awwwwwwwww!” from the audience and a dry-heave from me. Wow, I guess she just now got over it, huh? “Thank you.” says Gnarly.

Stout Ryan jumps back in, “All right, so how do you feel now, Vikki?” and she makes my heart pound when she says that it’s a really awkward situation the three of them are living right now, and if she says they’re breaking up I’m going to pull a Scotty and throw this keyboard across the room… but instead she says that her and Trevor’s “thing” is to say “I still love you.” to each other all the time, so she’d like to end the conversation with “I still love you.” Trevor grins and says “Well, good, because I still love you, too.” and they make out while the audience goes “awwwwwww!” again…

…meanwhile, I still feel like barfing…

And with that, Ryan wishes them a happy and long-lasting relationship, and we are finally done! Excuse me just a second…

What did you think of this (admittedly unnecessary) episode? Could they have milked this crap any further? Do you believe any of it? Are you certain (like I am) that there will probably be another season of this shit? Or a horrible spin-off with Club Kid or Chubbsy?

I just want to say thanks to Flipit for giving me the chance to take on one of the youngster’s shows, and now I’d like to return to adult television, please. For sure I will be back on when the second season of Salon Takeover WIth Tabatha premieres, and you may see me here and there in between time. Thanks also to my BF for not complaining too much when I monopolize the computer for the average of 8+ hours it takes to knock one of these fuckers out. I wuv oo hunnee! *mwah* Thanks also to all of the ‘Gasmii who have stopped by, read and left their commentary, I truly do love all the support and the discussions…

love, J-Mo