Jersey Shore: I Nevuh Cheated!

It’s time to head back to the Jersey Shore to check in on the trashiest group of jerks on TV! Reading through all of your comments this last week made me giggle really hard and think about a bunch of stuff. I also have to say that the league of Italian American thus-and-such – whichever group that is screaming so loud about how demeaning this show is – has mostly accomplished getting a whole lot of people to watch it who may not have even known about it otherwise. Seriously, everybody knows about MTV programming. It’s best not to take it so seriously. It’s not a personal affront – unless you’re in the cast.So here we are the morning after our last venture out into the New Jersey nightlife and J-Skunk emerges from her bedroom wanting to know what happened last night, ’cause she knows she didn’t kiss Pauly D. Yes she did.

To us she says that this is terrible news because of her irresistible boyfriend who’s waiting for her at home, but to her roommates she giggles. She’s going to gather all her facts before letting her boyfriend in on this. Pauly D says she knows darn well what she did with him, she just doesn’t want to feel like a “trash bag” for cheating on her boyfriend – ’cause then Jolie might try to use her as a suitcase.

On shift today at the t-shirt store are Sammi, Ronnie and Mike… oh this should be good. Mike tells us he doesn’t care one bit that Sammi and Ronnie hooked up because Sammi wanted him, not the other way around, and besides, he has his pick of any girl here. Oh puh-lease! Is that why you had your little pity party last night? Pleading with Sammi to reconsider her choices? He is so full of crap! And just to hammer home the fact that he doesn’t care at all, Mike pulls Sammi aside to CONTINUE pestering her about this. He tells us he’s going to draw her in, then just when she’s ready to go he’ll toss her aside. She’d have to care first Mike, and so far it’s not looking good.

Back home Snooki and her muffin top are having a pickle – apparently she does this daily, for which I can not blame her. I too love pickles. Pauly D wants to know who she’s hooking up with and she keeps whining about needing to find a man to bring home. She’s very determined to round up a guy from the clubs and bring him back to the house. What is it about the house? She can’t be alone there. It’s pretty much a dump. I don’t get why the goal is to get out of the club and back to the house with a guy as quickly as possible. (Sidenote: for those of you who think Snooki resembles trashy Xtina? Word. I kept thinking that with a blonde muppet wig she’d be Ms. Aguilera’s twin.) Back to this pickle thing. Snooki says that she has a specific way to eat a pickle, which is to suck the juice out of it – in other words, give it a blow job, so of course Pauly D and Vinny sit there on the next couch with binoculars and giggle while she sucks on it, calling them perverts (giggle, giggle).

At work Sammi and Ronnie are all googly-eyed and Mike continues his I-don’t-care pout fest. When they get home Ronnie confides to J-Skunk that he is really into Sammi and that Mike keeps trying to rain on his parade.

Later J-Skunk perches in front of the house waiting for this notorious boyfriend to arrive for a visit. She frets about telling him what happened between her and Pauly D. Then the boyfriend – Tom – pulls up in an SUV and hands J-Skunk an enormous bouquet of roses.

Well now what? Holding her giant floral arrangement she can’t possibly break his heart with news of her infidelity. Tommy is pretty much interchangeable with all of our house guidos with his orange skin and sweat pants. Snooki is enamored with the flowers, but Pauly D thinks Tom is a huge sucker – you know, a cuckold. Which, he is. He just doesn’t know yet because J-Skunk needs to examine the facts before she tells him.

Someone else in the house is hosting visitors and that someone is Jolie, who welcomes her guidette friends Elena and Alana – oh boy, are they twins?

One of them just got dumped and is excited to hit the clubs and nurse her wounded ego. Jolie gives her loving boyfriend a quick call to see what he’s up to and as usual he is not too happy to hear from her. Surprisingly, though, he agrees to come out tonight and meet up with the gang at Headliners. Hmm, maybe we’ll get to see why his panties are always in such a bunch. And out come the blow dryers. Vinny puts on a purple tie, saying he’s looking to have more of a classy night tonight. Good luck with that.

Headliners does look super classy. I mean, just kidding, not at all. Wonder of wonders, Jolie’s boyfriend has actually made an appearance, though he seems quite careful to always have his face hidden behind her head.

Of course Snooki is looking for guys to bring back to the house. As luck would have it, she runs into a guido named Mike (not the situation) with whom she has hooked up in the past, so she tells us she’s going to bring him home and “get her fix.” Ah young love. Elsewhere, Jolie’s boyfriend has apparently had enough of her attitude, tells her that he’s done and storms away. She calls after him, “I’ve been done for the past couple of weeks!” Sure you have – that’s why you were calling him every five minutes begging him to pay attention to you. Snooki confers with Elena and Alana, who tell her that Jolie’s boyfriend is going through a divorce, so there’s a lot going on. Okay, excuse me? He’s MARRIED? No wonder he never wanted to talk on the phone! Or be on camera! And here is Jolie parading around like she’s so wanted and she better not cheat and come to find out her boyfriend is freaking married. Good grief!

She storms back to the house and the phone wars begin. Her boyfriend keeps calling and calling – on the duck phone, on Elena/Alana’s cell phone, everything. I could have sworn that the last thing he told Jolie was not to call him. She actually surprises me by refusing to talk to him on the phone, but honestly, I could care less about this little drama. It seemed pretty clear all along that this relationship was doomed. The only interesting part is that he’s married – and that’s even wearing off now.

Elsewhere in the house, J-Skunk and Tommy are cuddling up for a nice romantic chat in which he warns her that if she does anything with another guy it’s over.

Yeah, my boyfriend gives me that warning all the time. Are these people insane? I mean, you really have to have that conversation? On the other hand, yes you do with J-Skunk because she already HAS done something with Pauly D. J-Skunk implores him to realize that he has an amazing girl who loves him (and cheats on him, I will add). That’s another thing I’m always telling my boyfriend – how amazing I am. He might forget if I don’t remind him. The next morning J-Skunk sees Tommy off and chickens out on telling him anything. Now that he might leave her over this, she’s decided to keep her filmed infidelity under wraps for the moment.

The others are having breakfast and discussing Jolie’s “married boyfriend” situation. Jolie is actually scheduled to work a shift with Vinny today, but when it comes time to head to the t-shirt shop, she’s not interested. In fact, suddenly there’s the darndest tickle in her throat that just won’t go away. It’s no pink eye, but it’s debilitating nonetheless. Debilitating enough to be quarantined at the shore house. Well for a little while at least. Then she decides to walk the block to the store to tell the manager on duty that she’s not going to work today. She says “like” a lot. “Like honestly, I’m sick like. When you’re like sick…” She doesn’t have the number of the store to call in sick. Her roommates are on the phone. She had a problem last night with like, her boyfriend and stuff. “Are you getting it? You’re not getting it, like,” she says. The manager just wants to know why she didn’t get her shift covered and she tells us that it was common courtesy for her to walk over there and give him the scoop – she didn’t even have to do that. (She’s a bartender and does great things.) She gives up trying to explain herself and goes home.

Danny gets wind of Jolie’s antics and rides his bike over to the house to find out what’s going on. I guess Jolie doesn’t want this on camera because she goes in the tiny bathroom where the camera man won’t fit and just talks to Danny from in there. Or listens to him talk to her.

He tells her that she’s fired so she has to leave the house. I guess the trash bags will be repacked. She just keeps saying that she doesn’t care and she’s over it. Kind of like her boyfriend is over her. Booya!

Honestly the other roomies don’t seem too broken up about this. And you know, neither am I. Jolie is lame and she seems like a huge front. All she did was scream about how hot she is, try to keep other people from getting any, and get hung up on by her boyfriend. Before going she has to rip on Mike a little more, telling him he has a gray hair. I DID see on the after-show that Jolie and Mike hooked up sometime in the past before this series. That doesn’t surprise me and I can’t believe they even remember. But Mike cops his little bitch attitude again where he claims to not care, but then ACTS like he cares more than anything in the world. He sums her up thus: “Angelina was like a half-assed firecracker. It just fizzled out real quick and it made a loud noise.” And he’s quite pleased with his simile. Anyway Jolie is gone. NEXT!

Well what’s next is J-Skunk calling her boyfriend all depressed. When he asks what’s wrong she says she doesn’t want to talk about it. Is this how she comes clean? Act all out-of-sorts until he guesses? Yes it is, in fact. After he figures it out she says she doesn’t want to break up and that she loves him. He hangs up. She announces to the roomies that if she doesn’t hear from him in 24 hours, then she’s single and it’s bad news because she’s just SO dangerous single and everyone better watch out, etc. She talks like this is his fault for not wanting to work things out with her. Like since he has a no-cheating policy she’s now going to go crazy and act as horrible as possible and he could have prevented it all by forgiving her. I tremble, J-Skunk, I tremble.

Oooh, tonight Snooki has a visitor! And it’s not some guy she’s herded back to the house, it’s her (girl) friend Ryder. She and Ryder get crazy together. They party together. They’re always the center of attention. She can finally be her regular, crazy party self. The locals look highly intrigued:

They dirty dance together here at this pizza place and no one seems to care so they eventually give up and go back to the house to sit in the hot tub. At the house Ronnie and Sammi are getting ready to go out on a very special date to play mini golf. Sammi even generously invites Mike to come along, but since Sammi will probably just dump Ronnie and run off with Mike, Mike opts to do the polite thing and stay at home to hit on Snooki’s friend Ryder. He’s totally not jealous. He has way too much else going on, which he tells Sammi.

For the date Ronnie wears a straw fedora with his gym clothes, you know, to dress it up a bit and show Sammi he’s serious. She wears cut-off booty shorts. Aren’t they sweet playing mini golf and driving around in little go-carts? So precious. They head back to the house and lock themselves into the “guest room” which is I guess the sex room because it has a large bed and a door that locks. Subtle. Mike’s not jealous at all, by the way.

About 50 people have climbed into the hot tub and Snooki and Ryder start making out. OMG, this is even worse than the first night. Snooki is so freaking desperate for some attention! And it’s not even like they’re being sexy or erotic. They are like clawing at each other with their tongues and teeth. It’s all very frantic and forced.

Mike, however, is happy to sit almost on top of them and watch pop-eyed. We finally get to the heart of the matter when Snooki grabs Mike and starts force feeding him her tongue.

Here is what she has to say about Mike: “Mike can be a nice guy. He shows his good side, then he shows off his jerk-off side. That’s what I like – a good guy and a jerk-off. It’s all in the same.” Yeah, sure it’s all in the same! Nice guy, jerk-off, same diff. Well I hope she’s happy – she’s aiming for the stars, this one. Mike doesn’t seem to care either way.

Meanwhile Ronnie and Sammi are snuggling and talking about how unexpected it is that they should get together like this, but they just like each other so much! Sammi apologizes to her mother on camera before diving under the covers. Jersey Shore – representing!

The next night Mike is making his Italian sausage and peppers again and this time he enlists Pauly D to light their propane grill for him. But first they put charcoal in it and poor lighter fluid on it. Of course, this sets the entire grill on fire and I’m just waiting for the propane tank to explode and put everyone out of their misery. No such luck. There is a fire extinguisher way too handy. What retards.

Later J-Skunk is ready to unleash her single self on the world – take cover everyone. No one’s seen what she’s capable of, okay? She dances with all the guido roomies while at the club, but Ronnie and Sammi are busy in the corner whispering sweet nothings to each other. Ronnie thought the shore house was the best thing to ever happen to him, but it turns out that Sammi is even better! Sammi can “kind of” feel something when she kisses Ronnie, so she knows she sort of likes him.

When they finally come up for air Ronnie hits the dance floor and brags to us that he doesn’t even know where he learned to do this (his dance moves). His dance is so spastic it cracks me up, but it’s clear that he thinks he’s doing everyone a huge favor with his amazing moves. Uh oh, what’s this? Ronnie got so busy giving us a break that he didn’t notice Sammi running into her friend who happens to be a guido cop over near the bar. She spots Ronnie busting a move near some blonde chick, so she immediately gives the cop her number. It’s going to be like that, is it? Is it? J-Skunk sees Sammi with the cop and tells Ronnie to “check his girl.” So now each of them thinks they are being played by the other and neither of them are. In fact by now Mike has his tongue down the blonde girl’s throat and the cop is nowhere to be seen.

Much ado about nothing. All’s well that ends well. MacBeth. OR IS IT? Ronnie storms home with J-Skunk at his heels and Sammi interprets that to mean that he’s moved on to J-Skunk. He hasn’t, but that doesn’t stop Sammi from threatening to “knock a bitch up.” So she’s going to get J-Skunk pregnant?

Next week: It’s ON. Ronnie and Sammi continue to misunderstand each other and it looks like the Snooki punch-out is on the menu. I’ve already watched it so many times and showed it to all my coworkers on YouTube. I’m still shocked. It’s that bad.

So are you all still with me? I’m so happy and surprised that this show has kind of emerged as a dark horse favorite! It’s so trashy and yet so addicting. My boyfriend had no idea “people really did that,” meaning almost everything he’s seen on the show, bless his heart. I did – I’ve just never had it all edited together and presented to me on a spray-tanned platter like this. Yes please.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta