Legally Blonde The Musical: A Wolf In Pink Clothing

Last week, we learned there just isn’t enough room for two Cassies on Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search for Elle Woods. And so Cassie O. was sent packing.

Henceforth Cassie S. will be known simply as Cassie. But can she also be known as Elle Woods? She certainly thinks so, but none of the other girls do. Commence catty drama.
At the beginning of this week’s episode, we see the rest of the contestants react when they find out who will be rejoining them at the Pink House.

WE COULDN’T CARE LESS. YAY!

And after nearly being sent home, Lindsey has resolved to give it her all from here on out. She even has a positive spin on being in the bottom 3. “I feel like I have a little bit of an advantage in the competition because it gave me a swift kick in the ass. It gave me the determination that I’m going to go out there and do this.” Oh pa-lease.

ONCE, MY CAR GOT STOLEN AND I THOUGHT, “HEY THIS PUTS ME AT AN ADVANTAGE BECAUSE NOW I CAN WALK EVERYWHERE AND BURN CALORIES.”

Bailey, our southern fried Jesus freak, turns nasty when she learns that Cassie wasn’t sent home at the end of the audition. “Shocker. Cassie S. made it. I don’t think she possesses any qualities of Elle Woods, but that’s all I’m gonna say.”

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT ELLE WOODS IS BLONDE. AND GOD LOVES BLONDES JUST A TEENCY BIT MORE.

But it’s not just Bailey who’s in the We Hate Cassie Club, and Cassie’s taken notice of this. “Lindsey definitely got hugged a lot more than I did.” Aw, sad. It’s just like your childhood, Cass.

BUT IT WAS THAT LACK OF ATTENTION THAT MADE ME AN ACTOR IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Before moving on to their next stupid competition, the girls take a moment to mourn the loss of Cassie O.

Natalie, or Lil’ HilSwank, gathers the others and says, “Aw, we’ll miss her.” And then, sincerely, they all begin snapping their fingers in remembrance. It’s a 21 snap salute, I guess.

I’M JUST SO SAD. I’VE NEVER HAD A FRIEND BEFORE AND NOW SHE’S GONE.

The next morning the girls get ready for their next task. But Natalie, it seems, is still all worked up about Cassie O’s absence. She points out Casio’s empty bed. Oh, sigh.

EVEN THE BED LOOKS SOMEHOW LOSER-ISH NOW

Their call sheet arrives and Celina reads it aloud. They are supposed to meet at some place called Club H. “Sounds like a spa!” says Celina. Yeah. That’s it. That’s exactly right. You’ve worked so hard for two days, and now the judges want to waste some more of their time by sending your sorry asses to the spa for a day.

SHHHYEAH. AND MONKEYS MIGHT FLY OUTTA MY BUTT.

Silly Celina, you’re just going to the gym!

WAH-WAH

They’re greeted by faaaaabulous vocal coach Seth Rudetsky and piece of crap mentor Haylie Duff. I’m so sick of Duff flaking out on these girls and showing up for a total of 2 minutes per episode.

And so, Duff, I’m not going to give you any face time on my recap. Take that.

The girls are here at this gym to practice singing while they work out. This is meant to test their stamina because a real Broadway gal has to sing and dance til she’s blue in the face 8 times a week.

YOU’RE ALSO AT THE GYM BECAUSE YOUR ASSES ARE THIS BIG

Everyone was a little anxious about having to prove their voices worthy of stardom, while panting away on the bikes and waving their arms around like idiots.

LIKE BEAUTIFUL SONGBIRDS. CA-CAW CA-CAW.

Rhiannon’s a bit worried about getting through the day. Now I just wanted to point out something I’ve noticed about this girl. Not only is she ALWAYS smiling when she talks, but she always has her fingers spread really far apart. It’s unsettling.

See?

See?

As they peddled away, Seth called on each of the girls to sing individually. They each did pretty well, all things considered. And Emma, aka Tough Tina, was especially pleased with herself for really belting it out, even though her lungs were weak from years of smoking. After she finished the last note she let out the triumphant cry, “Yeah! And I’m a quit…smoker…or whatever you call it!”
“Ex-smoker,” Seth corrects her.

QUIT SMOKING IS FOR WINNERS!

But even though Tough Tina did a great job, Seth says the winner of today’s contest is Lauren because she was the loudest.

TEE-HEE

And the reactions are not great. In their interviews later, Emma, Bailey, and Lindsey all concur that Emma was the real stand out.

But no one cares what they think, right?

So Lauren’s prize is to get mani/pedis with Orfeh, who plays Paulette in the musical. And she gets to pick one other girl to come along. Very sweetly, Lauren pick Cassie, feeling like she probably needed a little treat after being so close to elimination last week.

FAKE HUGS! XOXO!

To this kind gesture, Cassie remarks, “I didn’t want to go on, oh, a charity pick.”

And so the two girls go off together, leaving a big ol’ pool of venom behind. And everyone’s swimming.

Besides resenting Lauren for winning, now she’s gone and picked everyone’s least favorite person, Cassie.

So while the other gals are at the Pink House being pissy, the winner and her pity date go get their nails done with Orfeh, the latest Legally Blonde cast member to get dragged into a lame time sucker with the contestants.

PLEASE PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN, YOU JUST CAME FROM THE GYM AND YOU SMELL REALLY NAST

There were a lot of bad shots of feet in this scene, and there were also a lot of bad questions. For example, when Cassie asks, “What’s your time off like?” You see, Cassie, she has very little time off. And she is spending her precious free time with you.

I SHOULD BE HOME ORGANIZING MY CLOSET

When the ladies return home from the challenge, they find the others lounging around on beds and feeling sorry for themselves.

Lauren tries to tell them how the meeting went, and Tough Tina actually says, “Whatever.”

I didn’t know anyone used that word seriously. But she did.

Her reason? “Meeting Orfeh would be great, but it wouldn’t give me an advantage. Simply because I’ve grown up in the business.”

I’ve said this before, but if you are so in da bizness, then why aren’t any of your famous friends helping you?

PARENTS SOLD ICE CREAM AT INTERMISSION OF CATS

The next morning, the ladies get a call sheet at 8, telling them to be at rehearsal by 9. They all freak the eff out, literally running around the house trying to get ready.

MEEP MEEP

But they make it on time, and learn that their next task for the audition is to sing “Ohmigod You Guys.” And not just Elle’s part, but the chorus part too.

This sounds easy to me, but all of the girls are saying that this is such a big challenge. Ok, fine, I’ll take your word for it. You’re the professionals, after all.

Actually, no you’re not professionals either. Hmmm.

Anyway, Lindsey certainly is having a horrible time learning both parts. She can’t even get one line right, saying “Can’t wear something I got on sale” instead of “Can’t wear something I bought on sale.”

She tries and fails about a dozen times.

SORRY I SUCK!

Bailey, on the other hand, remembers the words, but falters on their pronunciation. Gosh darn that southern accent! She says the word price like pryyyyhze.

LOOK, I SPENT A LYFETYME TEACHING MAHSELF TO TALK LYKE DAISY DUKE. IT’S MAH THING.

Celina’s problem was not with the song itself, but with being asked to sing back up. In her crackling Bobcat Golthwait voice, she’s like “Aaa gaahhh nyyyeah I don’t want to be f–king chorus.” She really swears too. So not Elle Woods.

EH MEH GEH YOU GEHHHS

At long last, rehearsal comes to an end and the girls are all sent home to go practice and continue making the same mistakes over and over again.

They all gather in the living room to go over the number, but when it comes time for Cassie to play Elle, Bailey goes off to the kitchen to get herself some juice.

TURTLENECKS MAKE ME THIRSTY

OH GIANT LIGHT, AT LEAST I CAN COUNT ON YOU

The next morning, the girls all get ready for their next big audition. And while everyone else is having cereal with a side of panic attack, spunky little Cassie is doing crunches and singing at the top of her little lungs.

AND ONE AND TWO AND I HATE YOU

Bailey says this is distracting and obnoxious and rolls her eyes so much they nearly fall out of her face.

And Lindsey says, “If I had to pick one person to go home today, it would be Cassie.”

GOING TO FEEL REALLY DUMB IN A FEW HOURS

The audition begins, and Rhiannon, Autumn, Bailey, Emma and Natalie all make good impressions on the judges.

Then comes Cassie. Who performs just fine, and the judges seem pleased with her improvement from last week.

But before Cassie makes her way off stage, she finds a way to tell them how the other girls did not support her when they were rehearsing at home.

TAKE THAT, BITCHES

Truthfully, it was only Bailey who flaked out, but hey, why not just get everyone in trouble? Cassie, I admire your competitive edge.

Waiting in the wings, Bailey knows exactly who Cassie is referring to when she says “I know who I’d send home, but I don’t want to name names.”

SAY IT. SAY MY NAME. I DARE YOU.

Moving on, Lauren comes out and gives a squeaky-voiced performance. Maybe a little overconfident after winning the challenge earlier?

And then Celina is really weird, as usual. And the judges think she’s really weird, as usual. Yet they always just let it slide. Celina seems like a cool person, but I don’t see how she fits into the role and Elle.

I sort of wanted them to send her home this week because she is having a meltdown about how condescending the judges are. Celina, you’re too good for their crap. Just move on to the next big thing. Please.

BUT THIS IS THE ONLY MUSICAL THAT WOULD LET ME AUDITION

Yeah, that’s a good point.

The judges send the girls to the pit of despair while they deliberate who will go home this time.

Each week the judges select three girls who they have serious concerns about and then they meet with them in their casting office before sending one of them home. This week, they are such a sorry bunch that they are meeting with four girls.

They are:

1. Lauren (for the second week in a row, the challenge winner ends up in the bottom bunch)
2. Lindsey (again!)
3. Emma (whatever, I don’t like her)
4. Celina (it might be for the best, my dear!)

The girls march up to the casting office to meet their fate.

GULP

They let Emma know that her biggest problem is her meanness, her toughness. They don’t like Lauren’s sad puppy face and shaky voice. Lindsey isn’t putting enough effort into her auditions. And Celina has a star quality, but isn’t projecting Elle.

So who’s going home to cry into her pink pillow this week?

Lindsey.

Any last words?

“My whole life people have been saying I’m just another pretty face. But I’m so much more. I’m talented.”

YEAH…