Legally Blonde The Musical: Triple Threatened

Last week on Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search for Elle Woods, we learned that it takes a little more than blonde hair to be a Broadway star in this show of shows. You also have to be a moderately talented singer and under 20 years old.

And so Natalie, with her newly honey-colored hair and quarter-life crisis, was sent home, while squeaky-voiced Rhiannon, baby-faced Lauren and trash-talkin’ Bailey stayed in the game. Oh, and almost-30 Autumn made it through to the next round, but she’s getting so furious with the injustice of this competition that her head is about to explode.

This week, it’s time to find out if any of them are real triple threats. Can any of them sing, act, and dance? How hard can it be, right?At the Pink House, Autumn and Lauren dine on take out from Chipotle and toast their semi-victory in not being sent to the casting office this week.

HERE’S TO GUACAMOLE! CLINK CLINK.

They speculate that it will be Rhiannon who’s sent home this week because, let’s be honest, she has started to suck at everything lately.

But then who should walk in the door but Rhiannon and Bailey!

WE WENT TO THE CASTING OFFICE AND ALL WE GOT WERE THESE LOUSY PEA COATS.

I’ve noticed that whenever the near-losers return home, they never pay enough attention to the faces of the girls waiting for them in the house. Maybe they are in denial, but there is always a look of “Oh…you’re here” that goes unmentioned.

See, here’s Lauren’s face when she saw Rhiannon waltz through the front door.

SAY WHAT?

But you don’t hear Rhiannon in her interview saying, “I could tell by the look on Lauren’s little face that she didn’t expect me to turn up. Well she can kiss my ass. And now for the rest of the episode we are going to get in a big dramatic fight that will entertain the viewers at home.”

No, instead Rhiannon says something to take the attention away from her own shortcomings. “I’m not in the mood to be around Autumn and Lauren because they were given second or third chances and Natalie was just sent straight home. It makes me almost angry that Autumn and Lauren weren’t sent home.”

Oh, whatever Rhiannon. If you’d been sent home instead of Natalie you’d be calling her a talentless hack right now.

Meanwhile, Autumn is pissing her pants excited to see Bailey and Rhiannon have finally gone to the casting office for the first time. She says “Oh boo hoo. I’m soooo sorry you got sent to the casting office and were told that maybe, just maybe, you didn’t have what it takes….you’re 19!”

AND THAT’S HOW YOU DO AN INTERVIEW, PEOPLE

Lauren’s equally perplexed about why, at this point, the multi-talented Natalie and Emma have been sent home, when people like Rhiannon, who the judges have so far called a not-so-great singer and a not-so-great dancer, lingers like a two day tequila hangover.

The judges say it’s because she has star quality, folks. Star Quality.

SPECIAL

The girls’ call sheet for the day directs them to some kind of combo dance/gymnastics studio where they will spend the day learning a new routine.

Today’s goal is to test their “triple-threatedness” (a word I did not make up). So with the help of two members of Legally Blonde‘s dance team, Rusty and Michelle, and with no help from Duff, the girls are going to practice singing, acting and dancing at the same time.

IT’S HARDER THAN IT LOOKS. TRUST ME. I’M A BROADWAY STAR, REMEMBER?

All of this triple threat stuff has the girls on edge. Because apparently while they feel they deserve to be instantly made into Broadway stars when they’re 2 months outta high school, none of them feel confident that they can sing and dance at the same time.

It’s time to put these girls to the test with some grueling activities guaranteed to determine that they are in fact the cream of the crop.

First up: Saying a line, being lifted onto Rusty’s shoulders, then saying another line

Brutal.

IF YOU COULD FEEL HIS BONEY SHOULDERS, YOU’D UNDERSTAND OUR CONCERN

Next: Dancing with pom poms while singing. Oh well, now we know they are at least good enough to be JV cheerleaders.

U-G-L-Y YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI! YOU UGLY!

And then finally: Tap dancing.

TAPPA TAPPA TAPPA

At last, something that seems like a bit of a challenge. And it’s one that Autumn is tackling with a good attitude, but also with a good deal of self doubt. Tapping, it seems, is not her strong suit. So she approaches the dance steps with a “smile and fake it” technique, hoping no one will catch on.

Little does she know, Bailey is watching her. Like a hawk.

SERIOUSLY?

The southern princess comments, “Tap dancing is definitely a gift. Either you have it or you don’t. And Autumn was having the hardest time learning the tap moves.” OK, that’s an interesting way to view tap dancing. A gift. Like a gift from God, huh Bailey? Then she wraps up her Autumn-bashing with, “She is just not good enough.”

Their singing/dancing/jumping around lesson comes to an end, and Duff returns from the shadows to announce who was the stand out performer, and therefore the winner of the mystery prize of the day.

But Duff’s got some disturbing news. “Unfortunately there was no stand out performer.”

ACTUALLY, YOUR PRIZE WAS A BEDAZZLER BUT I STOLE IT TO MAKE THIS SHIRT

The girls all looked crushed until Duff comes back with, “Because at this point in the competition, you’re all stand outs!” Oh you trickster!

All of the ladies will get a special surprise when they get back to the Pink House.

Feeling very relieved and entitled, the girls go back to their loft to find a lovely dinner waiting for them.

After their three course meal, their waiter comes to their table carrying a tray with four little blue boxes on it. This can only mean one thing: Tiffany jewelry.

WORTH EMBARRASSING MYSELF ON MTV FOR THIS

The ladies positively squeal with delight and they eagerly grab their gifts. As they admire their necklaces, Lauren reads the card aloud, determining that they are a gift from Duff. Aw, how sweet. She’s like the mom that’s too busy to actually raise her kids, yet always manages to send something kickass for their birthdays.

After the excitement dies down, the girls all talk about their hopes and dreams, specifically: when they knew they wanted to be Broadway stars. Bailey begins with, “Since I was in kindergarten.” Rhiannon’s like “Oh I knew when I was in my high school musical (last year?) and I could just feel that this is what I wanted to do.” Lauren’s like “Ever since I was a kid (last year), and I used to sing in the bathtub.”

And sitting there, listening to all of this and scowling, is salty old Autumn. She’s having a hard time dealing with the 10 year age difference between her and her competitors.

BABIES!

In an attempt to make them feel worse, she tells the other girls about her own crushed dreams and how when she first arrived in New York, she was sure everything would just fall into place for her. But instead, she is still struggling. And she realizes that it may never work out for her, just like it never works out for so many people.

WHATEVER. ARE THOSE WRINKLES, AUTUMN?

The following day, the ladies head to rehearsal where they’ll learn all of the intricate dance steps and lyrics and tempo changes of “What You Want.”

First, they focus on getting down the lyrics. And it’s here that we’re reminded Rhiannon has some serious singing issues.

AND SOME SERIOUS PERMANENTLY SPREAD OUT FINGERS

Homegirl sounds about as good as I do when I’m singing karaoke after 6 drinks. She admits “I may not be the best singer in the competition, but…” Stop right there. Shouldn’t you be the best singer in the competition if you win this thing?

Next, they move on to practicing the dance moves. It’s here that Bailey really shines, nailing all of the steps and making all of the girls take notice. And they have nothing but good things to say about Bailey. Autumn says, “Bailey is a very precise dancer, but when it comes to singing and acting, I have nothing to worry about.” Lauren comments, “If she didn’t look how she did, she would have been cut before Selena.”

DADDY DIDN’T LET ME DANCE LIKE THIS IN SOUTH CAROLINA

The following day, it’s time to finally see what the judges have to say. Yes, it’s audition time once again.

On the way there, the girls split up into 2 cabs. Rhiannon and Bailey in one, and Lauren and Autumn in the other. Simple seating arrangements? I think not! This is a demonstration of the two sects that have formed in the Pink House. Rhiannon and Bailey, or Team Rhiannley, feel that they are taking all of this pressure in stride, remembering to stay friends at all times. They think that the energy of Autumn and Lauren, or Team Laurumn, is severely and unduly negative.

THEY’RE BRINGIN’ US DOWN, Y’ALL

The mentality of Team Laurumn, on the other hand, is “Whatever. Eff you. I’m trying to win this thing.” If you ask me, I think it’s a lot more practical of an approach.

THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE BRINGIN’ YOU DOWN

The girls arrive at the audition stage where, for the first time, they are provided matching costumes.

TEAM AMERICA

Rhiannon is the first to tackle the beast that is “What You Want.” At first, she is her usual sparkly self, impressing the pants off the judges, who think she is just darling.

But then, as she nears the end of this marathon piece, she can barely catch her breath. She’s yelling out lyrics between gasps for air. It’s just awful.

NO NO, DON’T MOVE. I JUST NEED TO REST HERE A MINUTE.

When she was all done and it was time to hear what the judges had to say, I was expecting harsh criticism. Instead, because they have a hard on for Rhiannon, they were just like “Well that was wonderful! You were completely out of breath, but that’s ok!”

Bailey was the second to take a stab at it. Everything was going well until it was time for the quick costume change. She puts on her hat, a sort of majorette style thing, and it slides down over her eyes. She pulls it up, it slides down. She takes it off, puts it on, it slides down again. Give it up! It’s clearly too big! She realizes then that she’s been handed Lauren’s hat by mistake.

By the time her 30 seconds of changing time have run out, she is forced to just go on with the wrong hat.

DAMN THAT LAUREN AND HER GINORMOUS HEAD

But of course, because nothing EVER goes wrong for Bailey, the judges think it is just fantastic that she has to keep pushing her hat out of her face.

WHAT?! ARGH!

Lauren is up next and although I think she did even better than the other two girls before her, the judges were not into her at all. For those of you who suspect the competition is rigged, I’ve gotta say, I’m starting to agree.

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?

Last came Autumn. Her dancing was about as blah as usual, but it was nice to at last hear someone who could sing the whole thing without faltering.

And you think the judges would appreciate it, but they didn’t. Because why? Because they’ve got something against Autumn. I mean, they were like “Sometimes you’re in the moment! But then sometimes I’m nervous for you.”

THERE IS JUST NO PLEASING YOU PEOPLE

When they’re all done, the judges deliberate who they’ll string along for another week and who gets the big pink boot. They say absurd things like “Rhiannon was ready for opening night!” and then they pass off their list to Duff.

The ladies line up to see who makes the cut. But guess what. This week’s list ain’t no normal list. This time, it’s blank.

AND FOR REAL THIS TIME. NOT LIKE LAST TIME WHEN I THOUGHT IT WAS BLANK BUT IT WAS JUST BACKWARDS.

And so the final four must all make their way to the casting office to meet their fate. Oh dear.

After going through their usual song and dance about each contestant’s qualities and flaws and “blah blah one of you will star on Broadway,” the judges cut to the chase and announce that it is Lauren who is going home this week. They say it’s because she just seems too young for the part.

I QUOTE ADAM SANDLER IN THE WEDDING SINGER WHEN I SAY “THAT’S SOMETHING THAT COULD HAVE BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION YESTERDAY!”

I mean really, she’s been 18 the entire time. Why’d you put her through this whole thing?

Oh well, Lauren. At least you made a graceful exit. She didn’t cry or pout. She just thanked them and walked away, leaving the other three ladies to breathe a sigh of relief.

Or, at least for about three seconds until Judge Bernie tells them that the show’s director, Jerry Mitchell (who hasn’t shown his face since the first episode) only wants to see two girls at next week’s final audition. And so one more girl will be cut…

But then the show just ends and leaves us with an unbearable cliffhanger!

UGH!

I’m betting Autumn will be the other one to go. Don’t you agree?