Rock The Cradle: Shirts Optional

We’ve had a whole week to recover from the non-stop excitement of last week’s premiere episode, and now Rock The Cradle is back. And this week, one of these young lovelies will get a serious dose of rejection from someone other than their famous ‘rents.

Who will it be? You don’t find out until the very very end. So get comfortable and make yourselves a stiff drink. It’s gonna be a long ride.Before launching into the performances, we’re given a little peek at what goes on behind the scenes, when the cast is forced to interact.

WHERE AM I?

It’s just what I wanted! Chloe is flipping out, crying about what a meanie judge Larry Rudolph (aka Small Tan Lawyer) was to her. How dare he criticize her flawless and not at all crazy performance.

And then there’s Jesse Snider, who apparently doesn’t play well with others. But I guess he doesn’t have to because he’s a “rock star.” He’s supposed to be “tough” and “incorrigible.”

I TOUCHED THAT BITCH

Here, he’s showing Lucy what he thinks of her untouchable position on the show. Oh, Jesse, you’re going to be the obnoxious one, aren’t you?

All of this magnificent crying and confrontation taking place in just one little after party is proof that the format of this show is all wrong and that it would be far more entertaining to toss these crazy kids into one tiny room and leave them to deal with one another’s neuroses and self esteem issues through a series of drunken shouting matches and make out sessions.

But alas, they sing. And they sing some more. On with the show!

I’M ONLY WEARING TWO LAYERS THIS WEEK

Host Ryan Devlin, or Toodles LaPlum (I’ll try to think of 4 new nicknames for him during this recap), gets the party started by directing our attention to the VIP area, where all of the contestants’ families are supposed to be watching proudly.

TWO DRINK MINIMUM

Except this week, the only rocker ‘rents to show up were: Bobby Brown, Al B. Sure, Dee Snider and Hammer. Hard to believe these guys didn’t have anything better to do, huh?

Then at last, after approximately 45 minutes of banter and clips from last week’s episode, it’s time for elimination. Bring it on!

But this ain’t just any old elimination. In a move that is equally agonizing for the contestants and the viewers, Rock The Cradle has elected to call on one contestant at time, have Scooter Baggins pretend they are about to be sent home, and then reveal that actually they are safe! Haha! Gotcha!

Oh how clever. And by clever, I mean groan-worthy.

The first man up is Jesse Blaze Snider.

I didn’t think he could possibly look more ridiculous than last week, but then I guess I never thought anyone had the gall to bust out the mohawk/vest-without-shirt combo. Well played, Jesse Blaze. Well played.

Before he sings, we are treated to a video in which he and his parents go shopping for an outfit for this week’s performance.

LADIES?

Apparently Mom Snider is dissatisfied with his choice in pants. Not because they are terrible (and they are terrible), but because they don’t sufficiently hug his package. He explains, “Sometimes my mom likes me in fewer clothes than I’m comfortable with…and it makes me uncomfortable.” Yeah, I see what you mean. Now we’re all uncomfortable. I hope you’re happy.

Jesse and his mohawk (or wad of hair gel piled on top of his head) take to the stage to sing “Rebel Yell” by Billy Idol. This week was “Parents’ Choice” and Dee Snider picked this song because he used to play it backstage before going out to perform with his own band, Twisted Sister. Good to know even Dee found his music completely inconsequential.

DUDE, SERIOUSLY, GET YOUR HAND OFF MY SHOULDER

All of the judges were impressed with Jesse and awarded him 8.5′s, 9s, and a 10 from stylist/judge June Ambrose, who yelled out “You were born in leather diapers!”

GOOD JOKE, JUNE

The next contestant to be pretend eliminated with the ol’ one-two punch was Lara Johnston. Last week she sang an Avril Lavigne song and the judges weren’t impressed. But fortunately the voting public was kind and so she gets to hang out with the gang for another week. Lucky her!

ARE THE KIDS STILL DOING HIGH-FIVES THESE DAYS?

In fact, it looks like there are a lot of good things happening for little Lara. Why, just this week she got into NYU, Columbia and Berkley. But, wisely, Lara has decided to put off her college education to pursue her promising music career. There’s no way that decision will blow up in her face.

For his daughter’s performance, Doobie Dad selected “Respect” by Aretha Franklin. Now that’s a challenging song… And I can’t help but wonder if he’s deliberately setting her up for failure here. Could he maybe want her to bomb so she’ll get over this whole singing phase and go to one of the fabulous colleges that have accepted her? Hmm.

WHA YOU WAH, BAY I GAH HIH

Too bad, Dad. Lara did a great job! Ok, not great, but good. You know, better than I thought she would. Looking cute, channeling the style of the B-52′s Kate Pierson, Lara energetically belts out the tune. And despite her slurry delivery of the lyrics, she rocked out and was rewarded with high scores from the judges.

Except, of course, from Jamie. He still wanted a high intensity performance. And a shinier tie.

I DON’T BELIEVE IN ROLLING DOWN MY SLEEVES, OKAY?

Next up we have A’Keiba Burrell- Hammer. Father M.C. Hammer –or, maybe, just Hammer?–selects “Killing Me Softly” for his little girl to sing this week. But first, we sit in on their rehearsal.

HONEY, GO GET DADDY’S DANCING PANTS

While A’Keiba is working on her song, her dad is busting a move. And this is unfortunate for A’Keiba because now I care even less about watching her sing. I am just so enthralled by Hammer’s dancing. Oh, please, Hammer, keep dancing! I’d be so happy if we just cancelled the rest of the kids’ performances and let him have his way with the stage for the rest of the show. After all, Hammer times were simpler times. And it’s nice to reminisce.

Where were we? Oh, right, A’Keiba. She’s just a thrill a minute, eh folks?

I’M WEARING THE EXECUTIVE. BUT I BROUGHT BACK THE BELT.

She blah blah blahs her way through the song, while I spend the time testing myself to see if I can remember the first verse to “Can’t Touch This.” My my my music makes me so hard. Makes me say Oh My Lord. Thank you for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and two–

Oh wait what? Oh it’s over. How’d she do? Ah, pretty well. Nothing spectacular (surprise surprise). And June Ambrose said she dressed like a 40 year old woman.

So last week I made it to about minute 53 of the show before I started to wonder if it was perhaps longer than the one hour I thought I was in for. And indeed it turned out to be a 90 minute program. “Oh but next week,” I said, “Next week it will for sure be only one hour long.”

And so this week I was 40 minutes in, with 5 more contestants to weed though, when I began to doubt my 60 minute theory. Indeed, I was a fool. For this show would once again be 90 minutes long.

Captain Slapster won’t let you down, however. He has ways of keeping you entertained.

See what he’s done here? He brought not one, but TWO contestants forward to trick them into thinking they’ll be sent home. But then both of them stay and sing! Whacky!

The adorable Crosby Loggins is the next to perform.

SON, THE SECRET TO SUCCESS IS TO EAT WHILE STANDING UP

For Crosby’s performance, Dad’s selected overplayed then forgotten about hit/One Tree Hill Theme song “I Don’t Wanna Be” (Anythang otha than whaddibeen tryintahbe lateleh) by Gavin Degraw.

It dawned on me while Crosby was performing that he is the only one on the show who plays an instrument on stage. Just when I thought you couldn’t be a more glorious specimen, Cros. Here, it looks like you have actual talent too. I’m still waiting for you to sing “Danger Zone,” but I suppose there’s time. Plus, you just KNOW there is going to be an episode where the contestants have to sing their parents’ hit songs. (And maybe then we’ll finally learn what the eff the Doobie Brothers sang!)

I ALSO ENJOY SALSA DANCING

Before Landon Brown made it to the stage, I thought about the contestants still up for elimination. Among them was puffy-faced basketcase Chloe, who I thought would certainly be voted off in the first round. And it was beginning to look like my prediction would come true. “But then, what will I have to look forward to!?” I began to panic. I can’t go a whole episode without her lunaticking up the place! If she’s voted off, I will certainly fall asleep before Plaidamere Squatthrust (thats #4! ding ding ding) finishes his opening ramblings.

Now I was just too distracted to focus on Landon Brown, but I persevered. Mostly because I was intrigued by his decision to wear a scarf like that.

I’M JUST HEADING OUT FOR MY MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL

So he starts singing a sort of off key and lousy version of Stevie Wonder’s “Superstition” as he struts down the stairs, then hops over the railing, then sticks his crotch into the waving hands of audience members.

And suddenly, in the blink of an eye, the man is shirtless!

IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT JUST ME?

How did he do that?!

Landon brought in decent scores, but did not to well enough do de-throne Jesse from his “untouchable” position. Which is a shame, because he was enjoying it just a little too much.

LEATHER SLEEVES!

Lil B. Sure was the next contestant to give a crap about Cheeseface and his little “You’re going home…PYSCH!” routine.

I WEAR THIS BACKPACK ALWAYS. IT’S FILLED WITH MY DREAMS.

Father Al B. Sure selected the very pretty, but very difficult to pull off, song “Woman’s Work” by Maxwell.

A DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN

Lil B. put on his best suit and his best falsetto voice, but… I don’t know, his look screamed groomsman and his voice screamed Mr. Bill.

At last, time for my girl Lucy Walsh to take the stage and actually sing something well. Yay! Last week she received the best scores from the judges, so was guaranteed to make it on to the second round. But now she must again sing for her supper. And this time she’ll serenade us with “True Colors” from Cyndi Lauper.

With her father, Joe Walsh, mysteriously uninterested in his girl’s participation in this show, Lucy must rely on her friends for support.

I’VE SEEN YOUR TRUE COLORS. AND I THINK I’VE SEEN ENOUGH.

“It’s good to have friends who will always tell you the truth,” Lucy says. Oh yeah? Then how come none of them told you that your sunglasses are stupid looking?

Again, she gives a great performance, in my opinion. Although I can’t stop thinking that Lucy Walsh is a Kristen Wiig impression of Lucy Walsh.

This time around, the judges are not as wowed as last week. I can’t imagine why not! Lucy, don’t worry, you’re still my homegirl.

AND NOW the moment we’ve all been waiting for!! We’re down to the final two contestants. AND THAT MEANS that one of them is about to be eliminated. AND THAT MEANS that this show is almost over. Finally.

Chloe Latanzi and Jesse Money nervously hold hands, with Jesse thinking to herself, “God I hope her crazy doesn’t rub off on me. Why are her hands so clammy? Sick.” Meanwhile, Chloe’s practically in tears already. Or maybe she just always looks like she’s about to cry. I don’t know, her face doesn’t behave like a normal face.

SEE MOM? I AM TALLER THAN AT LEAST A FEW WOMEN.

I don’t normally like to admit when I’m wrong, but I am so happy to announce that I picked the wrong contestant to go home this time. I guess there are other viewers out there who share my bewilderment and fascination with Ms. Chloe and are just dying to keep her around a little while longer.

Sorry, Jesse. It’s time to go home and cry into your protein shake. And she was eliminated in the worst way possible, too. Junior calls on Chloe, says “America’s voted, and I’m sorry, but based on the public vote, you’re going to sing right now!” Poor Jesse. Just when she gets her hopes up! Ryan Devlin, what is WRONG with you?

I GOT IMPLANTS FOR THIS?

Relieved and astonished, Chloe takes to the stage to sing “I Hate Everything About You” by Three Days Grace. Outfitted in some kind of denim lederhosen, Chloe again delivers the tune with her bizarre, deep, whispery breathy voice. And this time, she throws in a little shimmying motion for good measure before collapsing to the ground and performing the rest of her show from the floor.

I CAN’T GET UP

Ah, Chloe, so glad I got to see you again. I know you’ve got my vote!