Rock The Cradle: The One With Two Losers

AND NEXT WEEK, WE’RE SENDING YOU ALL HOME

Say what you want about MTV, but there’s no denying it is a network that listens to its audience. I lamented that 90 minutes was far too long of a running time for this over-produced open mike night, and MTV shortened it to a 60 minute program. I complained that I hated having to wait until the end of the show to find out who was being sent home, and this week MTV did the dirty deed in the middle of the show (ok, still not the beginning, but baby steps.) And finally, I whined that I didn’t want this show sucking up any more of my life, and MTV mercifully decided to vote off two contestants this week to bring us even closer to the grand finale.

So thank you, MTV, for your improvements on Rock the Cradle.

And now that I’ve said my piece, let’s get this over with.It’s become tradition that each show kicks off with a little glimpse of the backstage drama from the previous week’s after party. And last week, our pal Jesse Blaze was, once again, annoying the crap out of everyone.

IT’S NOT THAT YOU’RE BAD, IT’S JUST THAT I’M JESSE BLAZE!

This time, he was talking smack about A’Keiba, Hammer’s daughter, who was just sent home. “She didn’t have the best performance every show.” But then Chloe interrupts with, “There’s honesty and then there’s just plain rudeness.” And Lucy Walsh chimes in with, “Don’t give your opinions unless we ask for them.” This is good advice, but does anyone think he’s going to follow it?

No, of course not. And I’m not going to follow it either.

In a misguided attempt to defend his actions, Jesse offers up, “I’m just trying to help her not be bad.”

FINE. DON’T LISTEN. JUST GO AHEAD AND SUCK, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO.

Even Lil’ B. Sure is taking the piss outta Jesse.

NO, BUT AT LEAST YOU COULD HAVE TRIED.

Before pressing on with the show, host Paulie Pinkberry clarifies that, no, judge Jamie King hasn’t waxed his skull, this is actually a substitute judge named Brian. But the resemblance is uncanny, no?

And now it’s time for the part of the show where we line everyone up and the host, Scooby Hotplate, calls them forward one by one and does his little “Will they stay or will they go?” dance.

Up first is Lara Johnston, aka Lil’ Doobie.

Survey says: Stay!

This week, the contestants get to pick a song that they feel really represents them and their personal style. Lara’s selected “Lady Marmalade.” And as Lara’s mom points out, “But, that’s a song about being a prostitute.”

“Ok, I can’t relate to the theme of the song,” Lara giggles. So did you get the point of this week’s song choice, or…

I ALMOST WORE MY KITTEN SWEATER, BUT I THOUGHT THIS ONE WAS NEAT TOO

The thing about Lara is that when she performs, she dresses like a cougar on vacation in Atlantic City, but when she’s just kicking around during her interviews, she looks like the unpopular girl at summer camp.

Stylist/judge June Ambrose didn’t like either of Lara’s two styles, and so before this week’s episode she consulted with the teen queen to tell her how to dress young and hip.

And the result of this massive fashion overhaul: Short Shorts.

I SHAVED ABOVE MY KNEES FOR THIS

Is it just me, or do you think Lara’s legs are a little kid-like? And by kid, I’m of course referring to a baby goat.

GITCHA GITCHA YA YA DA DA-A-A-A

Before Lara even opened her mouth to start belting out this song, I knew things were going to go wrong because she started off her performance on the stairs. And as I stated last week, stairs = bad scores. I don’t know why, but it’s true.

I PUT MY HAND ON MY HIP. JUST LIKE A REAL HOOKER!

And the stairs theory held up again this week, with Lara’s scores raging from 5-7.5, and all of the judges agreeing that she had a nice voice, but no stage presence.

Up next is Crosby Loggins.

Survey says: Stay!

AND THEY SAY NICE GUYS FINISH LAST. CHUMPS!

Before I go on about Crosby, I have to share a story with you. During the week, I was on my lunch hour, sitting outside at a Greek restaurant, when who should walk right by my table but CROSBY LOGGINS. “Oh my God, it’s Crosby Loggins,” I whisper-yelled to my dining companion. Crosby froze in place, clearly having heard his name. And so because I’m so cool, I immediately stared down at my plate and drew lines in my hummus with my fork until he walked away. The end.

So anyway, this week we get to learn a little about perpetual nice guy Crosby. Apparently he volunteers for Peace Through Music, bringing music to kids in public schools who don’t have a music education program.

NO NO, MR. LOGGINS WAS MY FATHER’S NAME. JUST CALL ME CROZ.

This week, Crosby decides to break out one of them new-fangled electric guitars to sing the Foo Fighters “Long Road To Ruin.”

NOTE DRUMMER IN BACKGROUND DOING FANCY TRICKS

So he rocks out, I guess. Ok, I’m going to be honest with you. I love Crosby because he is modest and sweet, but I don’t really care for his singing, per se.

But obviously what I think doesn’t matter, because this time the judges gave him the highest score of the entire season: 38.5, putting him very securely in this week’s untouchable chair. (By the way, the title “untouchable chair” sounds like some kind of punishment, don’t you think? Like a time out, or standing in the corner.)

June, who has always been insanely obsessed with Crosby, one ups herself and her comment from last week, “I simply lust after you.” This week she says, “Not only do I love you, I love you dipped in chocolate. You look so delicious.” Oh man.

And then she adds the nonsensical, “You are going to take this competition all the way to the altar.” The altar? What effing altar? Someone’s looking for a husband…

WHAT THE HELL, JUNE?

But wait, aren’t we supposed to be eliminating two people this week? Shouldn’t we maybe get to it?

Yes, yes. And that time is now. Lil B. Sure, son of Al B. Sure, who put on a terrible show last week, is called forward.

Survey says: Pack your bags and get the H outta here.

MAYBE I SHOULD’VE SHOWN MORE CHEST.

Wow. It feels so great to send people home. Why am I such a jerk?

No time time to answer that, for it’s time to get on with the show and bring the trash-talking Jesse Blaze to the stage to “put his money where his mouth is,” as the saying goes. Although a more appropriate saying for him would probably be, “Put his leather vest where his shirt should be.”

Before he performs, we get a little glimpse into Jesse’s creepy home life as we witness a fight between June and Jesse’s mom. They argue about costume choices, and Mom settles the matter with a final, “Jesse’s whoever I tell him to be.”

JESSE, SWEETIE, REMEMBER TO GO PEE PEE BEFORE WE GET YOU INTO YOUR LEATHER PANTS

So now we know Momma Snider is responsible for all of Jesse’s terrible outfits. But it is Jesse himself who takes responsibility for his ridiculous song choices. This week, in a move that has Johnny Cash turning in his grave, Jesse will be performing a fake-punk version of “Ring of Fire.”

LOVE IS A FIREY THING. I LOVE YOU, AND MY EYEBROW RING.

The song was obviously an abomination, albeit a well-executed and lively performed one. And Jesse’s outfit was fabulously awful.

It was very David Bowie in Labyrinth.

But with early 90′s Sally Jesse Raphael hair.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, YES, THEY DO STILL MAKE HAIR MOUSSE

The judges were kind, giving him 8′s and 8.5′s, except for Belinda, who gave him a 6 and called him a “one trick pony.” I’m fairly certain no one’s used that expression since Olde Timey Days, but way to make it hip again, B.

To her criticism, Jesse’s dad Dee Snider remarked, “No, he’s a four trick pony.”

THANKS FOR NOTHING, DAD

Up next, we have Lucy Walsh and her push up bra.

ACTUALLY, IT’S DUCT TAPE

Survey says: Stay!

Last week, Lucy gave a lackluster, out of breath rock performance. But she was just following the advice of judge Larry Rudolph, who said he needed to see her rocker side. “Whoops,” says Larry, “Guess that was a bad idea. Just stick with the ballads.” And so this week Lucy gets back to the slow jams with a song by a band I’ve never heard of, “Fall For You” by Secondhand Serenade.

BACKDROP REMINDS ME OF SPACE MOUNTAIN

But it doesn’t really matter if I knew the song, because Lucy did a fantastic job with it, and it was a great choice for her crisp, clean voice. She even played the piano, making her one of only two contestants that can actually play an instrument.

The only bad part about her performance was the audience’s terrible slow-clap. In an attempt to participate, some asshole in the audience decided that the evening’s slowest song would be a great choice to rhythmically clap along to. And then he got the whole audience on board, except I don’t think that any two people in the crowd actually put their hands together at the exact same moment. It was just painful.

STOP IT! YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING!

The judges gave Lucy wonderful scores, but thanks to June’s stupid 8 point score, Lucy didn’t quite have enough to de-throne Crosby Loggins from the untouchable seat. And I’m ok with that.

Now we’re down to the final two, Landon Brown and Chloe Lattanzi. And one of them’s going home.

PSST, CHLOE, THERE’S SOMETHING ON YOUR HEAD.

While it’s true that Chloe is cooky and her song choices are always a little off-putting, last week she earned her highest scores yet. And if any of the voters are like me, then Chloe’s kind of grown on them too.

As for Landon…well, there is no good side. He’s all bad. Even the show’s producers know it, as demonstrated by the segment that aired earlier in the episode, in which they keep a tally of how many excuses he offers up for his pathetic performance that earned him a grand total of like 4 points. My favorite of his excuses: “I had a really full bladder.”

I FORGOT TO BRUSH MY TEETH…I WORE THE WRONG SOCKS….UH…I THOUGHT TODAY WAS WEDNESDAY

Guess who gets sent home.

Survey says: Landon!

And dad Bobby looks pissed.

BOBBY BROWN, YOU’RE A RED SOCKS FAN? “WHAT? NO THIS B STANDS FOR BOBBY. THIS IS A BOBBY HAT.”

At last, it’s time for Chloe. This week, she misses her mom Olivia Newton John, who is busy in China, raising money for her cancer foundation. She does make time, however, to take a call from Chloe, as she’s out in the middle of the Gobi Desert. Btw, I want whatever cell phone service she has, because that is some excellent coverage.

HI DARLING. MUMMY’S LOOKED ALL OVER THIS DAMN DESERT, BUT WE CAN’T FIND THE CURE FOR CANCER ANYWHERE.

MOM, I THINK I HAVE CANCER. WILL YOU COME HOME AND SEE MY SHOW?

THAT’S NOT FUNNY, CHLOE.

This week, Chloe will be singing Korn’s “Freak On A Leash,” but slowed down into some kind of ballad. Gee, how could this possibly go wrong?

I’M NOT GETTING UP AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME

Once again, Chloe decides to roll around on the floor. But this week, she doesn’t even get up the entire time. Aaaand the judges weren’t into this at all. Giving her 4′s and 5′s. Larry, however, perhaps channeling his inner freak, awarded Chloe a 7.5.

YOU LIKE ME. YOU REALLY LIKE ME!

Too bad she’ll probably get sent home next week…