Secrets of Aspen: Girl’s gotta make a living, right?

A Hooker? Like, what does that even MEAN?

This week on SECRETS OF ASPEN, the episode is ALL ABOUT how everyone thinks Brooke is a hooker, but especially the gay gay gay cast member, Ben. Star and Poor-y don’t ask Brooke to be in the charity date auction because of this reputation, and instead take the bitch waterskiing. Makes sense, right? Then, Brooke and Fetal Erin meet because Brooke helps out with photographing the dates to be auctioned, and they get along and hang out…which leads to Brooke moving in until Ben calls her hooker, again and again and again….Oh, and Laura’s a bitch.

Last time on Secrets of Aspen, NEWSFLASH: Women are old and bitchy. Even ones who join the show the second episode with their gay best friend. So basically, Laura is crazy, Kat is poor, and MILF Carrie Underwood is living it up by boning prepubescent man meat. Just another day in Aspen….

UNTIL TODAY (Dun dun dun)

When we learn someone’s spreading a rumor that Brooke’s a big fat hooker.

Oh my god that’s, like, SO unfair!

So what’s the deal? A handjob here and there to make ends meet? A couple of late nights in hotel rooms with older men on the Aspen craigslist? We need DETAILS, GIRL! SPILL.

When I have fierce rumors spread about me, I go to the nearest Zombie for advice and consolation.

Hey, there’s one.

Apparently, this vicious rumor has gotten back to old Brookeycakes family and friends, and they’re confused. Is there a menu they can see? A list of themes Brooke specializes in?

Brooke is pissed because her precious reputation as town bitch and NOT FOR PROFIT Hooker is being tarnished. Oh, old wise one, what’s a girl to do?

Seriously, how can I cash in on this?

Of course, Zombie-face says ignore the bullshit and hold your large, extensioned-head high. Well, easier said than done, old brittle one. For real, this is like, worse than when Brooke shoplifted from the Northface store, or when her daddy caught her making a makeshift ladder out the guest house window for smuggling booze and broads in. Oh wait, that was me.

In the poor side of town….

Kat’s roommate Star (yeah, poor people totally have roommates) took her to see Tasha about having a charity event. For yourself? Don’t you need one? So you can stop shopping at Marshalls? Or pick up Bargain bin guys who take you on cheesy hot air balloon rides? I thought only bored rich people had charity events. No? Maybe Poor people get bored too, but keep the money for themselves so they can invest in things like microwaves and screen doors.

Star is really excited about the event, in her own bug-eyed, pageant-y way.

Elbow, elbow, wrist wrist wrist….

Apparently, the charity event is a sexy bachelor/bachelorette auction, put on by Tasha, arguably the unsexiest person to be putting this fete together.

Ech, snow Yenta.

Tasha gives a list to Star of the potential ladies she’d like to see auctioned off, which comes off as majorly creepy, because all I can picture in my head is Snow Yenta drooling and touching herself over headshots of Aspen’s elite bitches.

But, RED FLAG! Brooke’s name is on the list. Wha? Oh, Brooke, who has rumors that she gives her pussy away for money, and not for charity.

Big black line over Ms. Brooke’s name. Hey, girl’s gotta make a living, right?

Star seems SO concerned about Brooke being a hooker, which seems weird. Do people ACTUALLY think this bitch hooks? I mean, I haven’t seen her in one ratty fur coat. I’ve only seen her concerned and fielding insults from Laura the superbitch. A real hooker doesn’t have time for that bullshit, and gets her pimp Rico to deal with this biznazz with his fists. Am I right?

Seriously, Rico will hit a bitch.

So, instead of asking Brooke to be in the date auction, they take her WATERSKIING instead! Yay! Waterskiing with poor people and MILF Carrie Underwood! Sounds like a fantastic day, minus the people and the situation. I can’t even believe Brooke is rubbing noses with a lowly masseuse and her bug-eye friend. MILF Carrie Underwood I can see, but only because MILF Carrie Underwoods make great accessories, as a rule.

Apparently, Prince Harry is also in attendance.

Oh I’m sorry, aside from hobbies like Hooking, Brooke also likes photography. And, she’s GOOD!

Good used loosely

After a fun day of Amateur photography and discreet bikinis, Star awkwardly asks Kat and MILF Carrie Underwood to be in the date auction, with Brooke right there! Wow, after all that mouth dihherea about tact in the auction, and it all goes out the window after a day in the sun and one too many peach martinis. Nice work, Star.

Even MILF Carrie Underwood feels the awkwardness through her large head of hair.

it was awkward, and smelled like my brand of shampoo.

So, Star half-assedly asks Brooke to do photography. Oh, what a consolation prize.

But she takes it. Only because she couldn’t argue, a couple of Johns were waiting in the car.

During the photo shoot, everyone is bringing their A game: awkward smiles, lots of makeup and an embarrassing amount of cleavage.

I’m looking your way, MILF Carrie Underwood.

After Kat, Star and MILF embarrass themselves on film, Fetal Alcohol comes in, all a-curl, and meets Brooke.

LIke Elvis and Nixon’s handshake, but more drug-addled

Fetal and Brooke instantly get along over South Beach skankiness of yesteryear and squatting in Aspen. Nice work! A playdate is even arranged!

Still, there’s one bitch left and that’s Satan. Uh, I mean, Laura. Brooke is all nerves and botox. Oh JOY! A confrontation!

45 minutes of lateness later, the demon lady arrives.

Brimstone gloss?

Instantly, Satan is bitchy because she’s not given direction, and Brooke is annoyed that Satan wants a shit load of direction. Fun!

Her pictures look, um, amazing.

Erg…

I do think it’s fun that Brooke keeps rubbing it in Satan’s face that she’s modeled and she should know what to do. Hah. Satan looks like she’s got a hot dump in her pants.

When Brooke says that they’re done, Laura wants more shots. Brooke says no, and says to get out. NICE! Finally standing up for yourself! Laura is acting like a child and not leaving, for her precious shots, or for a confrontation, or for something. I’m confused: is Laura scary to Brooke? Not Scary? Who knows. All I know is that there’s a lot of botox and extensions flapping around.

Later, in Casa de Gay and Fetal, Brooke pays Fetal a visit.

And five minutes later, Fetal asks Brooke to move in???? I guess that’s how they do it in Aspen: no credit checks, no hooker checks, no NOTHING!

Except for the time-tested “Gay in a Jacuzzi” test.

As soon as Hooker McBrooke leaves, Gay Gay Gay Ben starts flapping his fat-flaps about how Brooke’s a hooker. Fetal?

???

Thankfully, Fetal thinks it’s bullshit. Although, the tiny bitch inside of me is disappointed. Boo. Still, it’s funny watching Gay Gay Gay Ben WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe that Brooke fucks for money.

Drama Drama Drama. You Gays never get exhausted! Cocktail?

Then Fetal asks permission of Gay Gay Gay ben something she already promised Brooke- a room in the house! Hah! Sorry, Fetal. Ben says “no,” which I don’t mean he begrudgingly doesn’t mind or he’s putting his big gay foot down and saying no.

I guess it means no no, because Fetal has a fit at a nice restaurant about not getting her way.

After some convincing….

glug glug glug

Gay gay gay Ben finally gives Fetal the old gay green light. But she’s Erin’s pet and responsibility!

They call Brooke to break the news, but her mouth was full of paid DICK! Oops, just kidding. I mean, not.

Brooke’s friends and Fetal’s friends all get together for some light binge drinking and awkward smartphone photos, and Brooke is totally relieved about how drama free her life is becoming.

Oh Brooke, you FOOL!

Gay Gay Gay Ben gets hammered hammered hammered, and starts talking to MILF Carrie Underwood about how Brooke is a whore. Then, he wants a kiss from Brooke!

and also, a receipt.

Ben says that if he’s hurting Brooke’s feelings, he could call her something else, like “Lady of the Night.” Sure, synonyms work.

But synonyms also make poor Brookie cry.

So that’s it? We end this episode on unnecessary and excessive blubbering? Not even a Gay Gay Gay shot or Laura’s forehead vein? Bummer.

Anyhoo, maybe there’s something better coming next week. Like…

More tits.

Hey, nothing new there. Just more! More more and more in Aspen!