The City: “Smooths” and Moves

Up next on The Shitty: Adam and Allie are psycho and want Jay to move out so they can live together and keep being psycho; Erin and Duncan sort of break-up; Whitney insults Olivia to her face and it is awesome; Olivia wants Nevan to move out; and Jay has a serious (kind of) question for Whitney. Also, it’s New Year’s Eve on The Shitty, and I resolve to continue hating Nevan.

What a day to get your face blown off.

Ugh, just watching the recaps of Olivia’s wretchedness from last week is making me mad. Anyway, Whit tells Erin that Jay and Adam are at it because Allie is still living with them, which is sort of news to me, because I assumed that they were all living together according to a mutual agreement. Like on Three’s Company, with Adam pretending to be gay to Mr. Roper, and then all of them heading down to the Regal Beagle to talk about their various shenanigans.

The Nevan of Three’s Company.

But no, I guess Allie moved in with Adam because they’re going out and she can’t afford her own place or something. Ugh, why do we care? Allie is SO two episodes ago. Whit and Erin both agree that living alone is awesome and they can’t imagine living with anyone. Wow, hope THAT comment doesn’t bite anyone on the ass later on. Oh, hey, they’re going to a party tonight. That’s quite a change from what they do . . . every . . . single . . . night. There must be this huge pressure to like, do stuff, on a reality show. Most nights I’m on the couch in my pj’s by 8:30, watching Will & Grace reruns with a half-empty bottle of chardonnay. Booorrr-ing!

Some dude named “Smooth,” which everyone in America should feel free to make fun of, is hosting the party. Also, he has a permanent stripper pole in his apartment. As well as, I’m guessing, a permanent case of crabs. I have honestly never heard of someone more douche-y than this “Smooth” character, and I refuse to type his name without the quotes. Credits. Horrible Pussycat Dolls song.

“Unexpected Roommates” is the title of the episode. How unexpected, exaclty? Like Kelly Cutrone and Nevan? Because THAT would be unexpected. And hiLARious! Anything else, though, I would have to say I expect. Some horrible Xmas techno/hip-hop song is playing. Did the PCD put out a Christmas album? God, I really, really hope not, or else my faith in humanity will be dead. Oh, DVF is having an office holiday party! Call me crazy, but I’m a huge fan of office holiday parties. I don’t know why. Probably the free food and the excuse to drink at work for once, you know, in front of everyone and out of an actual glass instead of hiding it in a coffee mug. Olivia tries to show up everyone by knowing the names of editors and stuff and being all, I can sit you down if you want to practice and stuff. Everyone is annoyed, and Whitney totally interrupts and talks over her, and it’s awesome. Diane Von Furstenberg is on the mic, getting everyone’s attention for the white elephant gift exchange! Just kidding, they don’t do that, but it would be awesome wouldn’t it?

B…twelve. B-twelve!

I’d love to see Diane Von Furstenberg ending up with a six pack of Shasta or something. What happens next is awesome, and it’s probably due to some editing, but it’s still rad as hell: Olivia asks Whit what she’s doing that evening, and Whit tells her about the holiday party with Erin, and Sam, etc. Olivia’s all, “Oh, your friends!” And Whit’s all, “Yeah, except you,” but she totally doesn’t mean it. Then Olivia’s all, “Just don’t get, like overly drunk, and fall on your ass.” And Whit FINALLY gets catty and goes, “Good tip, Olivia. I learn something new from you every day.” And then she laughs. Olivia not happy. But it’s so fawesome!

Why does this eventually happen with every friend I make? I’m a good person!

Over at — swear to god — Once Upon a Tart, Allie and Adam are having coffee or something. “Once Upon a Tart?” Are you freaking kidding me? That’s not even clever, it’s just dumb as hell. They’re talking about playing Scrabble last night. That’s right — two models playing Scrabble. I can’t make this shit up, people.

Adam talks to Allie about how Jay is on his case asking if Allie is moving out soon, and Allie’s hormones are clearly out-of-whack, because she acts as if Adam is Kelly Cutrone and he asked her if she was okay ten billion times. Ohmigod, she goes on for like 2 minutes, about space or something, and how she moved in and it was a temporary thing or something, and how they should maybe take a break. She’s acting like it was her place to begin with. Okay, I know I probably shouldn’t say this because a.) I’m a guy, and b.) all the women who post here may hate me, but I have to ask: Is she PMS-ing or something? Or does she just need a meatball sub? Both? Or is she just kuh-RAZEE! Discuss. Because chica? Es muy loco. Adam wants her to shut up, so he says, “I love you.” Ah yes, Adam, we’re all familiar with your little “I love you” game that makes everything magically better again.

Star. Ving. He. Lp. M. E.

Oh, hey, a deejay is playing Britney’s “Womanizer.” Womanizer, woman, womanizer, you’re a womanizer. I kind of really love this song. And have you heard the Benny Benassi remix of it? It is sick! So awesome. Oh, man, we’re over at “Smooth’s” loft. What do you guys think — skinny white dude wearing a fedora of some sort? Cuz that’s my bet of what “Smooth” looks like. Wait, wait, wait. Is “Smooth’s Loft” an actual club? No, I don’t think so, although I’m confused because no one I’ve ever met in my entire life has thrown a party like this (and honestly, thank god), and Duncan’s all, “It feels like a club in here.” JR ends up at the party (of course), and he and Duncan meet, and it’s at this point that I realize that Erin really, totally, does NOT have a type. At all. Because these two? Night and day. Black and white. Showered and unshowered. Totally straight and definitely questioning.

Here’s the thing, though, Erin told them both about each other, which not a lot of people would do. Duncan pulls Erin aside to talk to her, and I’m really distracted because not one, but TWO Beyonce songs play while they discuss things: “Single Ladies,” and “Get Me Bodied (Extended Mix).” How do I know it’s the extended mix of Get Me Bodied? Because I’m gay. And it’s my job to know things like that. Let me rewind a bit so yous alls can know what Erin and Duncan were talkin’ ’bout. Basically Erin tells Duncan that she’s with him now, but Duncan says it’s hard for him to trust her just being friends with JR, and Erin’s all, the “18 year-old in me still loves him.” Apparently, JR is just like frosted mini-wheats: The 24 year-old Erin loves the heathy wheat side, but the 18 year-old in her loves the sweet frosted side. Oh, weepy emo music as Erin tells Duncan she loves him and JR drinks alone. Happy holidays, JR! Dammit, where is “Smooth?”

Do we have to? It’s a double Beyonce!

Oh, boo, we’re at Olivia’s boring and creepily adult-y apartment where she argues with Nevan about living in her apartment and him being hungover, and again, I am SOOO sick of Olivia trying to act like a grown-up. Or, rather, how she thinks a grown-up should act. Even when she’s being bitchy to Nevan I still kind of hate it. Nevan says he’s looking for a “job” today. I think we all know what kind of “job” you’ll be looking for, Nevan. Thank you, I’m here all night! Olivia gives a “toodles” as she leaves. Barf.

Over at Il Bastardo, where Adam bartends or something, Adam talks about planning a party(?) How many jobs does he have? I mean, I know male modeling pays shit (and I DO know, because I once modeled a chambray shirt for my college’s alumni magazine), but still . . . But then Adam brings up the real reason he asked Jay over: A threeway with him and Allie. Kidding! He talks about how he and Allie want to live together, which pisses Jay off, and damn rightfully so. He brings up the fact that he and Adam lived together, then Allie moved in for “2 weeks,” then stayed for “4 months,” and now it’s all, we want to live together, and they’re pushing Jay out. Yeah, Adam and Allie suck, dude. And Adam’s all, it has nothing to do with her wanting to live together, it’s me asking her. Oh, puh-leez! Those two just feed off each others’ insecurities like . . . things that . . . feed a lot. Look, I can’t be funny all the time. Jay leaves pissed off, and honestly, totally rightfully so.

It’s morning at Erin’s, and she’s making coffee for she and Duncan. They’re talking about JR, and Duncan wanted to hit him. Oh, Dunc, look — love you, love your beard, but there’s no way you could have won that fight, sweetie. Erin talks about how it’s hard to do the long-distance thing, and Duncan says that they have to deal with it, and has to know that he can trust Erin when he’s away. Erin says, “You can trust me,” and Duncan’s all, “Can I?” And then Erin’s all, “WullUH *sigh* . . . ” Duncan says she needs to think about things, and then he puts on like 4 layers of clothing and leaves, asking her to tell him when she figures it out — no hug, no kiss. I’m calling this one, kids – ep. 9, the end of Duncan and Erin. Stick a fork in ‘em.

It’s alright. He should get back to co-starring on Lost anyway.

It’s another morning in Perfect Oliviaville, and she has a folder full of apartment listings for Nevan to go through because she is at her Nevan limit. Just like America.

Erin is over at Whit’s (Whit’s hair? Amazing), and they’re all excited about going out for New Year’s Eve, because Erin’s been single for 5 seconds. She tells Whit to stop her if she tries to drunk dial Duncan, and Whit asks if she wants to delete his number, but she doesn’t, which is sweet. Then Erin says, “The best way to get over a guy is to get under another one.” Ha! I heart Erin!

At the party, people are dancing and Allie is already drunk. Did the invitation ask for all the guys to wear crappy flashy vests and cummerbunds and ties and stuff? Like the kind you’d buy for your 8th-grade graduation dance from Mr. Tux at the Topeka mall? They’re not even ironic funny. This party, though, looks much more low-key than “Smooth’s” and therefore more fun, I have to say. Jay asks about Duncan and seems pretty cool and there for Erin, as much as he can be, and toasts to friends with her (not Friends the TV show, just plain ole friends, like what I hope to have someday). Adam and Allie pout in a corner, because that’s what they do best. Jay tells Whit about the Adam/Allie/Jay sitch, and then segues into kinda/sorta asking Whit if he can stay with her. Now, at this point, I think he’s just asking to move in with her until he finds something else, but we’ll see. Whit looks unsure. Oh, how’s this for coincidence — this little conversation? Ended 30 seconds before midnight. Oh, bullshit, DiVello! Bullshit! Whatev. Dude, Allie’s drunk. It’s officially 2009 on The City, and Whit and Jay kiss, Adam and Allie make out shit-faced style, and Erin stands in the kitchen with her phone. Aw! Erin cries because “he” didn’t call, and I’m assuming she means Duncan.

Jay says to give it ten minutes and he’ll call, and Whit’s all, maybe you don’t have service here. Ugh, stop, you guys! Why are you giving her false hope or whatever? Just say you’re sorry and leave it at that. Adam pouts in a corner. Whit tells Jay that if he needs a place to stay she’ll be there for him, cuz he’s been there for her. Uh, has he? Methinks you’ve been there for him WAY more than he’s been there for you, Whit, but whatever. It’s your life. Meanwhile, Duncan still hasn’t called Erin. How did Olivia spend New Year’s Eve? I’m guessing name-dropping and subtly insulting her acquaintances while trying to act like an adult, but we’ll never know. How did Nevan spend his New Year’s Eve? I’m guessing frantically calling everyone he knows trying to score some kick-ass blow, not succeeding, and passing out at a subway stop where he proceeds to wet his pants, but we’ll never know.

One!

It’s morning at Whit’s, and we get a passing glance at topless Jay while he puts his shirt on. Not bad, but I’ll need another look. Jay’s resolutions include drinking less and spending more time with the band. And those will all be shot to shit by the next episode, I’m guessing. Jay says something about his short stay at Whit’s, so I do think it’s just until he finds a new place. Whit looks really uncomfortable, but oddly, not hungover. Jay on the other hand, looks hungover. Just like he always does. Radiohead-esque song plays as we end the show wondering what’s in store for Whit and Jay.

Next time: Allie has some hot shoot with a hot model dude, who asks her out, which causes friction with Adam; The gang goes to Miami where Jay meets some Aussie girl he hooked up with in NYC, which causes friction with Whitney.