This week, a show called Styl’d was on. It’s about people who dream about being stylists, did you honestly expect it to be spelled right?
Do you see what I have to deal with/ First,male pattern baldness and now this!
I have immediate hope for the deliciousness of this show when the opening song blares:
“Well you’re a
Oh no really,
Let me guess. Sondheim. Well, you can’t accuse them of not being self aware.
Once upon a time, in a land far far agay…
We open with a lovely shot of LA, where you can see the air and it ain’t pretty. Visitors often wonder why Angelinos are all raspy voiced and crinkly skinned. Yes, cigarettes and sun have something to do with it, but you’d get clearer lungs inhaling from an exhaust pipe on a bus than this crap air. I think the poison air is why people here are so…what’s the word I’m looking for? Flaky? Ridiculous? Sociopathic? None of those really cover what I’m trying to say, so I’ll let this picture say it for me.
Whatever this is.
Jen Rade starts us off with a very clinical autobiography, absent even the hint of a smile. She pronounces her name Reyaade, which is obnoxious. I’m thankful, however, that she hasn’t resorted to hyphens or accented letters. Thank you, Jen Reyaade. Jen is a Senior Stylist at the Margaret Maldonado Agency. She’s also the Director of the Junior Assistant program at MMA. So, like…Human Resources? Got it.
You’re SO getting written up for that.
Jen explains to us the importance of her agency. You see the MMA people everywhere. Red carpets, live performances, bail hearings, etc. The primary job of a stylist is to take an average looking talented person and turn them into a walking cartoon joke and then force that ridiculous look upon an unsuspecting public, who takes that look as their own and spreads it like a virus to other unsuspecting Americans, thereby turning the entire country into a cartoon joke. Evidence:
MMA is the CAA of the styling biz. SFW you ask? Well, they’re responsible for the looks of Beyonce, Gwen, J-Lo… Don’t care? Well here’s the big one. They made Seth Rogan take a bath.
And boom. I’m now taking you seriously.
Two hundred kids apply every year apply to the Junior Assistant Program. Wow. That’s a lot of “please let me get you coffee” dreams. Let’s all take a moment, close our eyes, and softly sing “America the Beautiful.” Done? Didn’t remember the words? Me neither. Moving on.
Out of all those people, just four are chosen each year. These are this year’s four.
Tara: Chosen because she worked at Besty Johnson. Without a face mask or a can of Febreeze. That’s called strength.
Gary: Chosen because he interned at Men’s Vogue and has a degree from Parsons. Also because he’s quite possibly the gayest person ever born and how can that not be fascinating?
Brett: Chosen because he looks like he’ll have a nervous breakdown any minute. This guy’s look screams a lot of adjectives. Dirty, slimy, greasy, desperate, poseurish, slimy, dirty…Stable isn’t one of them.
Brett showed up looking like a homeless person and asking for change in a tank top and faux gold necklace. LA is the only place that these qualities work in a job interview. To seal the deal, he showed off his bvds, cuz apparently the kids are still doing that in 2009.
Janna: Chosen because she’s in the accelerated program at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. She looks really white and big toothed and boring, so I’ve got nothing. Hopefully she will be the breakout nervous breakdown of the year. Until then, zzzzzz.
Jen says that if they can last through this intense program, it will be a miracle. Not the Biblical kind, of course. If one of these kids could turn water into wine they wouldn’t need Jen or MTV at all. They would just need a really big glass. At the end of the season, one of them will be handed a contract with the Margaret Maldonado Agency. What kind of contract? Who knows? Jen, wisely, won’t specify. I have my fingers crossed that one of them will have a contract put on their head. Then season two can just be about chasing this guy through the woods and seeing if Jen can get a good shot in.
It turns out that Brett is, in fact, not homeless at all. That’s just a look he cultivates so people will not try to hug him and he’ll never be short of change when it comes time to park at a meter, which are now two dollars an hour in Hollywood. Before Brett even opens his mouth, we know a lot about him.
Brett is from Kansas City, and it’s really thick in his voice. “If ya wanna be an actor, ya come to LeyAy to eyact. If ya wanna be a model, ya go ta NY ta mahdel. If ya wanna be a stylist, ya come to work at the Mahrgaret Mahldanahdoe Eegency.” He tells his roommate, who’s been paying the bills while he follows his dream of being a dirty white sunglasses wearing douche bag, that today he’s going to be working for Julie. Julie is a Senior Stylist at the agency who hates him cuz he came to his job interview all greasy and sleeveless. I am already on Julie’s side. Today he’s making up for it by brushing his teeth, showering, and wearing…wait for it…a fauxhawk. Anyone think Julie’s gonna be on his side by the end of this episode?
Shot of a house: some woman voice overs about working with Jen today. Cut to inside the house. The woman’s voice is coming from Gary.
Woah, girl. Google “testosterone injections.”
Gary tells us that “fashion is my life.” Woah. I wonder if he’ll accuse someone of “throwing him under the bus” before the season’s out. Gary flits around the room, telling his bored roommate how important this all is and omg what should I wear? One thing Gary has going for him is an adorable little butt. If he’s working under a top, he’s got this thing in the bag.
Turns out Gary’s the butch one in his family. When his roommate squeals “you’ll be fiiiiiiine!”, all I can wonder is if they sound like Betty and Wilma when they giggle together.
Julie Weiss, Senior Stylist, confirms Brett’s fears. She tells us that she’s not looking forward to today cuz she got stuck working with Brett and she thinks he’s slimy and gross. When he shows up at her door, though, she’s pleasantly surprised and gives him props for degreasing a little and not showing his arms. LOL. You have to look your best to pack boxes into a car and then unpack them later. Julie was so scared of working with him that she brought on her “key assistant” for the day. Hey I need one of those. I’ve had five copies made six months ago and I’ve only got one left.
Turns out a key assistant is an assistant who’s been stuck in that thankless role for years and is trusted to not ever be talented enough to escape to a bigger job. Today’s key assistant is Vera. I’m sorry. Vjera. Good lord. Really? At the end of the day your name is just Vera in sounds anyway. Do you really need to douche it all up with the j? Her sister is probably Vgina or some shit. Anyway, Julie tells Brett he’s to listen to Vera (sorry but I refuse to play along with your delusion) today and do what she says because it’s a very important job! They will be styling a band no one’s heard of in as many plastic jackets as possible.
Gary is worried he might be three minutes late to meet Jen, so he calls her. This cast needs to watch out. California is broke and giving tickets for every little thing, and I wouldn’t put it past the cops to show up at his house after they watch this to give him tickets for his car behavior. There’s a reason Gary is in a giant truck. He most likely hits people and things a lot, and this car ensures his safety. Also, he’s probably got a tiny penis cuz guys with huge trucks usually do. He arrives right on time and then runs over a trash can.
You owe the city of Los Angles $9,000,000.
Janna meets Gary at the job and tells us about herself. She is currently in school, but plans to work in high fashion. Every character in a show, reality or not, has an arc. I think her lesson will be to not dress like a ten year old if she wants to work in high fashion.
Gary thinks Janna seems chill, and he warns us that he’s not at all. Then he gets to Jen’s buzzer and says “top of the mornin’ to you!” in a wacky cockney accent. EW. Bottoming for the entire male chorus in the road production of My Fair Lady does NOT make you British. It just makes you really really gay.
Jen opens the door for them and immediately compliments Gary’s jacket. Is anyone on this show ever going to just open a conversation with “hello” ? Jen gives us more of her own background. She became a stylist at 21 and “literally started doing” Ice Cube, Snoop Dog, Dr. Dre…I’m sure she isn’t bragging that she literally did these guys, right? Cuz ew. She tells Gary and Janna that today’s job is to style Kim Kardashian. Janna doesn’t look like a hick at all when she hears this news.
OMG I HAVE E! IN MY CABLE PACKAGE!
They will go to two PR firms and pick some clothes, then Jen will meet them to see what they’ve chosen. The goal for the day? Make Kim happy and “make me not wanna kill you.” LOL. I think I like Jen. Gary asks where they’re supposed to meet when they’re done and Jen yells at him for being such an idiot and making her repeat herself when she just told them she was going to meet them at the firms. He squeals like a woman with a bee in her mouth and turns to her earnestly to explain that she will most likely have to repeat everything she says to him a couple times but he’ll eventually get it. She yells about girls being smarter cuz Janna remembers everything she said without being told twice. Then Janna chimes in “I’ll remember!” Bitch.
Gary tells us that he has ADD but he refuses to take any medication because it makes him “wah wah” and he doesn’t want to suppress any of that sparkling personality. When did ADD become the most rampant disease in our country? That’s everyone’s excuse for everything. Swine flu gets all the press, but how many people has ADD killed due to traffic accidents and leaving the stove on and stuff? Jen doesn’t give a crap what he’s got. She’s not hiring an assistant that can’t remember dick. Well, I’m sure he remembers dick, but…you know what I mean.
You know what hurts more than ADD? My stiletto in your cornhole. FOCUS!
Over at the V Factory job, Brett is basically listening to Julie nag and berate him while he tries to rush his difficult job of unpacking the car. In a stunning take on English, he says that she “doesn’t have much a humorous act to her” and he can’t tell if she’s funny or just a bitch. Giggle Giggle. She’s being a bitch. You’re welcome. I think she is back to full on hate mode with him because right after complimenting him on showing up today wearing sleeves, he whipped off his sweater and is now in a tank top.
The arm resentment that could be heard around the world.
Enter the VD Factory. We get to hear a sample of their music and wow. Breathtaking. It’s brand new and not like any other boy band from the nineties at all. Kidding! They sound like five Enyas imitating JT against an Apple Loop. But the job of a stylist isn’t to judge the talent. It’s their job to find a look cheesy enough to match the cheese the talent gives off, so they make one cohesive cheesy picture. Yum cheese.
Do you need a more detailed view of what this job entails? Me too. From what I can tell, the stylist sets up a ton of clothes on racks, like a portable store. Then, the talent comes in and shops for what they like. Then the stylist constructs a short paragraph to explain why the outfit is brilliant, they label the outfit, and then call it a day. In this case, one of the VD members chose jeans and a hoodie off the rack. Brett wrote his logline: “I’m trying to keep it in the greyscale type of monotone…” and Julie pipes in nodding her head. “Blacks, whites, greys…” Sold! Label that sucker and bill the band for ten thousand dollars. For a hoodie and jeans.
Yes you could have bought this at Target for around fifty bucks. But it wouldn’t have a logline. And would Target go to the trouble of combing your hair like a hurricane is blowing right behind you at all times?
Gary and Janna arrive at the first PR firm for the Kardashian job, and Gary lets Janna go in without him while he skips off to find quarters for the meters. Dumb move letting that goody two shoes show up on time and you show up all sweaty and late. And I love that he’s trying to avoid getting a ticket while committing two additional ticket-able offenses.
Jaywalking and flood pants.
Janna walks into the office and interrupts the secretary, who’s in a conversation with someone. Ooooh. That’s a bad move. The secretary looks like an extra from that roller derby movie Drew Barrymore just made.
The low rent version of nepotism: Camryn Manheim’s niece gets the role of secretary.
Secretary Manheim walks her into the showroom and tells her they have twenty five clients from all over the world providing them with last season, this season, and next season. Janna nods nervously. Gary enters the office as goofy clown music plays. He sees Janna and starts walking toward the showroom. Secretary, who’s on the phone now, snaps “excuse me, who are you?” He timidly tiptoes over to her and extends his hand and his full name. LOL. She nods, annoyed, and tells him not just to walk into the showroom. Then she gets back on the horn and he wanders towards the showroom. LOL. I am gonna love this guy. What a dumbshit.
She shouts that she just told him to not walk into the showroom. He tries to turn to her earnestly and spiel on about his ADD plight, but she’s back on the phone. He tells us that “that secretary…is a little intiiiiiimidating??” The only thing missing from this scene is a Dodgeball hitting him in the head.
I’m so telling her off in my diary tonight.
When she’s off the phone, Gary pronounces her name wrong and introduces himself in as high a pitch as he’s got. She nods sympathetically and leads him to the showroom. He calls her outfit cute and compliments her gun holsters. LOLLLLLL.
That’s probably the first time anyone has said either of those things to her.
Janna, wearing a stressed look on her face as she goes through the rack, tells us “I don’t really have a vision right now? I only know what she wears….and I know she’s trying to get away from all that?” Wearing things? I don’t know what the fuck this nitwit just said, but I approve of every word of it. She just pulls as many whore outfits as she can and figures something will work.
Gary has only pulled one thing so far, but he has a goal (and a logline): Simple, clean palette. You win! When Jen shows up at the office, Secretary huffs “THANK GOD!” Oh yeah your life has been really fucking stressful today, Manheim. You had to stop talking and get up from your chair TWICE. And now for Janna’s pitch.
“It’s piiink? It’s beeeeaded? Like? I think her of her in this? It’s blaaaack? It’s beeeeaded?” Jenn’s not impressed with her selling skills. She snaps up the black? beaded? tunic and asks “would you wear this? Or would you feel like you’re being swallowed up by shapelessness?” Janna only knows a few sentences, and none of them would work as a decent answer to that question, so she just repeats the word “shapeless.”
Gary learns from that and pitches very smoothly. Jen likes the first dress, but isn’t impressed with the second. So for his third, he takes one of the dresses Janna pulled and pitches that. HAHAHAHA. Janna stays quiet, but tells us if that was intentional she’s gonna be super pissed. It was, and don’t bother. Jen says she wasn’t impressed with either of their pulls.
That is SO my stolen mediocre idea!
Secretary stops Jen on her way out of the office to tattle tale on Gary for walking past her twice while she was on the phone. Oh come off it, Manheim. I am sure Jen’s gonna spend all day feeling horrible that the secretary felt disrespected.
Over at the VD Factory job, a music exec pulls the lead singer off the set to change his look cuz he’s not “popping enough”. Dramatic music plays and Julie fires off a round of “yeah. Right. Of course. You’re right. Yeah. Yes.” es. Thanks for your input, Julie. The execs change him into a colored shirt so that he’s the only one not in grey. Phew. Crisis averted. The dramatic music still plays as Brett looks nervously off into the distance, worrying how Julie’s gonna rake him over the coals for this one.
Wait. Crisis not averted. When we come back from break, they’re still in the middle of it. They decide that the lead of VD is going to need a new jacket, and Brett has just the one. Uh oh. He just made Julie’s client happy and did it loudly enough for others to notice so she can’t take the credit. That’s so not how it works! In her defense, when the singer loves the jacket, she gives Brett all the credit and then looks at the floor. He’s dead.
The guys commence with their photo shoot, which involves a lot of jumping around and looking super white and adorable. It’s so comforting in these grim times to know that there are still people at the top who know how to profit immensely from mediocrity. It should give us all hope.
The lead singer likes the jacket so much that he pulls Brett over to the side after the shoot and asks for a little “private time” to prepare him for his Fame opening. I’m sure the producers had nothing to do with that at all. Brett falls for the bait and says that yeah, but please don’t say anything to Julie cuz he wants to gently explain it to her first. LOL. Your secret’s safe with him. And the camera crew. And the lighting guys. And the interns. And the intern’s assistants who are probably on their own reality shows being filmed by their own camera crew as we speak.
Manufactured or not, it’s a dilemma. Not the should he take the job part, cuz he already did. The how do I tell my boss part. He says that money is important right now, “expecially for food.” He seriously just said expecially. I imagine he’s gonna have a long life of struggling for food. Money aside, Fame guy is hot. He’ll find a way.
Karsdashian Job – Second Firm: Gary tells us how important and gorgeous this firm is. With his face and with his eyebrows.
He finds a metallinc pleated formal dress and thinks it’s perfect for Kim. Janna is pulling feathers. Jenn shows up to the showroom, where the secretary doesn’t look like Camryn Manheim and complain about being disrespected. Gary starts his pitch immediately, and even puts one of the dresses over the front of his body. LOL. Who can think of Kim Kardashian now?
Jenn say’s it’s unique and pretty. She likes his second dress too, but she’s mortified by Janna’s first dress.
She loves the second one though. It’s the black feathered dress, and it will work. Score! Or not. Cuz then Jen tells us that they were both good but not great. She ends the segment by telling Gary to stop kissing her ass. Love her.
VD Factory – Brett approaches Julie and interrupts her while she’s talking to one of the band members. DUUUUUMB. Her smile freezes and she goes with him, saying “it’s ok. We were only gossiping about celebrities.” That’s like interrupting a surgeon in the middle of taking out a heart. Well, it’s nothing like that. But this is Styl’d. I hope he’s wearing a cup.
She lets it go and seems to be high on something, cuz she’s complimenting him on his great work and saying how pleased she is with him. He tells her that he was asked to style Fame guy for the red carpet. She coughs and pretends that she doesn’t understand what he’s asking. He asks if it would be ok if he took the job and she answers “Do you think it would be ok?” Uh-oh.
She tells us she can’t believe that he’s dumb enough to risk a job for such a stupid request. You can’t believe he’s dumb? You obviously haven’t heard him use the word expecially in a sentence yet. You’ll get there.
She says no and gently explains that it’s a nono to steal a client from your employer. Less gently, she tells us “first of all…NO. Second of all, NO, and third of all you couldn’t even do it.” She’s right. He may have picked a magical jacket today, but he doesn’t have the resources (clothes) to make it happen even if his taste is decent. She is nice to him though, sending him off for the day with a slurred thank you and an offer to work with him again. When she walks off, her head is bobbing. Bitch is drunk!! Love it. Brett, wisely (I can’t believe I typed those words together) listens to her and agrees not to take the job.
Jen shows up at the Kardashian front door with Gary and Janna. She warns them before she knocks that if they have an opinion that they need to keep it to themselves in front of clients. Basically, she just wants them to shut up and do what they tell her. Gary whips out the compliments when Kim opens the door, though. Fail. Complimenting people isn’t dickish, but the way he does it is because he’s so goddamn insincere. Who in their right mind would compliment this outfit besides this ass kissing queen?
Mom jeans and muffin tops are so iiiin right nooow!
Jen starts her pitch with Kim. Kim has the Grammys coming up and Grammy parties and oh, there’s the WeHo awards. LOL. Sure you don’t want something pulled for that big cupcake store opening that’s coming up? Gary brings his pulls in first, and she loves every one of them. Janna’s, not so much. She says that the black dress with the feathers has already been worn by Fergie. Jen shoots Janna daggers. At one of Janna’s pulls, Kim says “that’s the old me” and Jen says “oh no. You’re not old you.” LOLOLOLLL. This show is too fucking much. And what is the new Kim Kardashian? Does she read? No. Does she go to school? No. She does fucking nothing but look like a ho and collect checks. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but don’t front, old Kim!
Gary did pick some very Kim Kardashian clothes. You gotta hand it to him.
He is on his knees figuring out where everything needs to be adjusted but says that he didn’t touch her boobs cuz “I’m being good.” I’m sure she was really worried about you going for her boobs, Butch. He’s scored, so he immediately switches into overbearing gbf mode, snapping pictures of Kim in the clothes, cooing “work it girl” and blurting out an opinion about every move she makes.
Jen’s not having it. She says you can be an assistant for ten years. “You don’t get to just walk into my life and then start taking over with my client.” They are not EQUALS, umkay? Gary doesn’t get it, and continues to talk over her and roll his head. It’s gonna be fun to watch Jen disembowel him later. He starts spitting out compli-lies left and right, and finally Jen can’t take it any more. She walks him into the kitchen and tells him to shut his face. Kim is happy, which saves the day, and she ended up taking five of the dresses. Including the Fergie dress. HAHAH. Jen tells us that Janna needs to find her voice and Gary needs to lose his.
Later, Brett and Janna meet up for coffee. And this is when Brett wears this.
No. No. No. No. No. NO. NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
He tells Janna about his big decision with the Fame guy. Julie told him no but he didn’t tell Fame guy know yet so what should he do? I have to give Janna credit for not laughing while she’s looking at him. She knows that it’s totally inappropriate of him to even consider taking the job, so she tells him to go for it. LOL. She’s smarter than she looks. Or acts. Or talks. Or dresses. What was I saying?
Please get out of my head.
Sure, Julie could get mad, but she could also turn out to be really proud of him!! Janna tells us that she’s a backstabber, and it totally worked. Brett calls Asher and takes the job. He goes into stores on the strip and just starts buying things. With what money? He’s pulling it out under Julie’s name!!! OH NO HE DIDN’T!!!! HAHAHAHAHAH WHAT A FUCKING MORON!!!
He plans on talking Fame Guy into liking them, buying the stuff he does like, and then returning the stuff he doesn’t to the store before Julie can find out. Oh damn. And there are no eliminations on this show, which means they’re stuck with him. Wow. He’s gonna get tied to a stake and burned. Get me a stick and some marshmallows.
Jen brings all the junior assistants into the office to rank their work so far. She starts by asking them how they did. No one speaks, and she says they’re so quiet she wants to shoot herself. Brett takes the first spot, and got very high points from Julie. Janna smiles slyly, knowing that’ll change in a few minutes. It won’t make her work any better, but it won’t get her chained to a truck and dragged around the block, either.
The random girl we haven’t seen yet is in last cuz she didn’t do anything yet. Gary came in second because he did a good job, but his “setiquitte” and general flittiness was lame. Janna is in third, otherwise known as last today, cuz she can’t sell and doesn’t have a natural drive for styling. Now get out.
It’s night now! Now it’s day again! Julie is waiting for late ass Janna to have a coffee meeting. When Janna finally shows (in horizontal stripes, no less), she is briefed on the assignment. Then she gets a pained look on her face, which of course Julie questions her about, and then boom. She spills and tells her what Brett did. Julie is fully prepared to beat him senseless, and when she calls him it’s (thankfully) on speaker.
Score! Ow! My eye!
Julie asks why he would take the job when he said he wouldn’t and how in the world he would think that it’s ok to pull stuff under her name. He tells her that Janna told him to do it. LOL. She says she is pissed and she’s gonna tell on him and he better return that stuff asap. Then she hangs up on him and tells us his ass is done right now. Brett tries to get some sympathy from his roommate, but she can’t get behind his stupid ass on this one. He blames Janna for everything and turns this all into her fault. Not that she’s innocent, but come on. He dug his own grave. She just watched delightedly.
Gary throws a little dinner party for the other assistants and squeals and giggle and snipes compli-lies all over them as they arrive. Brett of course tells the story about what happened today through the “it’s all Janna’s fault” filter, and he uses the term “threw me under the bus.” Someone had to say it. Glad we got that over with. He says that if she was his friend she would have told him that he was doing the wrong thing. She’s not your friend, she’s your competition. And if you don’t know that taking a job from your boss and then walking into a fat store and charging up a fat bill to her isn’t wrong, then you’re fucking hopeless get off my TV.
Doorbell rings. I wonder who it is! Why, it’s Janna! The room is silent when she comes in, but Janna smiles big and talks really loudly anyway. Tara tells us how wonderful all this tension is. Luckily, she dressed for a funeral tonight.
Brett takes Janna to a different room and starts telling her off for betraying him instead of telling him he was doing the wrong thing. Tara listens excitedly at the door. Janna smiles big and says she had good intentions. What does that even mean? He blahs on about how she even helped him pick the outfits! Yeah but she didn’t tell you to use your boss’ name on them. Oh man. His ass is so grass. Come back next week to see him hung by his fauxhawk.