Styl’d: Precious! Come Make Mommy Feel Goooood!

This week on Styl’d, Jen almost beats the shit out of Tara. I said almost. As in, almost Emmy worthy. Come on, Styl’d!! MAKE AN EFFORT!!

When Male Pattern Baldness Attacks

Ok there are eight episodes of this show. This is number six, and there have already been two time changes. How are the ten of us who love this shit supposed to know when it’s on? It’s interesting, cuz I had no idea about the most recent time change, but Saturday night I was waiting tables and I heard a faint “squeeeeeeal!” The busboy insisted that he didn’t hear it, but I knew better. I logged onto Directv.com and lo and behold, Styl’d was on!! I don’t know what happened to the customers that night, but I hope someone thought to feed them, cuz my ass went home and sat in front of the TV.

Brett and Cody are teaming up today to work with Julie. Brett’s freaked out to work with her because he hasn’t had to deal with her since he stole all those clothes under her name. He doesn’t see any point in still being here because there’s no way he’s gonna win a contract at an agency if one of the stylists hates him. Buddy, you’re looking at this the wrong way. You’re still in, so take this time to steal her car and all of her credit cards. Duh. It’s called A SECOND CHANCE.

Gary, Janna and Tara are going to be working with Eric I Don’t Carry Luggage Archibald. This will be the first time that all of the assistants will be pulling on their own, and the only person’s pulls I’m interested in seeing are Tara’s.

Jen warns them against bringing any of there “fucking drama” to work this week. Um, hi. You’re on TV and all you guys do is shop all damn day. Please. Please bring your drama. Tara tells us that she wants to kill Gary, and Gary tells us that Tara’s psycho. They’re both right, and that’s why they need their own show. But one involves a gig more stressful than shopping. Is watching paint dry a career? Cuz it should be.

Jen calls Julie, who’s stressed out because her current gig is with PETA and those people are f ing nutjobs. No fur, no leather, I mean Jesus, did you guys know that cotton is STILL LIVING after it’s made into a shirt? How CRUEL IS THAT?!?!? Next time someone tries to guilt you into eating healthier, tell them you refuse to eat veggies cuz they are living beings. It works every time. Jen adds to Julie’s funness by informing her that she’ll be working with Brett. Julie’s pissed, what with the identity theft and general lack of grooming skills, but she has no choice. Jen laughs at her misery and snacks on a baby arm as she drives, which is kinda dangerous.

Gary, Janna and Tara arrive at Eric’s place to get instructions on their job for the day: dressing a tiny Asian toddler from the Transformers movie for her big red carpet! For some reason (my thirties), my biological clock is ticking, and this really makes me want to fulfill my dream of being the father of an Asian (already potty trained) toddler.

Cute!! If I saw this kid in a catalogue I would purchase her right now.

Eric says that Asian Toddler is a Disney Kid and they want to give her some “edge”. In other words, slip her some coke and sell pictures of her passed out in her car to the bloids. It worked for Lindsay! She’s on top of the world right now!

Linds, you’re gonna be late for your shift at Chili’s. You can find your pillow later.

Eric gets a lot of lines today, which is like a personal gift to me because I am obsessed with his Ethipigaysiafrican accent and his stuttering lisp. It’s hot. No one seems to understand what he said, and I can’t help them there.

Whaaaa?

Julie’s Place – Brett is skerd of Julie. She starts by saying she’s skeptical about working with him and especially because he will be without supervision today. She doesn’t end there. She keeps on hounding him about being untrustworthy and smelling like peepee and stealing and blahblahblah.

Who’s Brett? My name is Julie. I’ve the credit card to prove it. Lunch is on meeeee!!!

Julie threatens to tattle tale on him if he f’s with her. Brett says he’s here to prove himself, so Julie moves on to Cody and says just to clear things up, he has never and will never get near her vaj. Then Cody really gayly denies starting any rumors. “I like, OMG NEVER! Eeew! Like, boobies huh?” Their job today is Sean Kingston, which should kill any boners involved. Poor kid looks like Eric and Randy Jackson made a baby and then fitted it with a robot voice.

That reminds me, I need to see Precious.

Somehow, Precious is involved with PETA. That’s bunk, cuz you know he’s eaten his share of cows. Just so we all understand what PETA is, Julie shows us a video of dogs chained up. That’s it?? Come on! That dog has a house! Besides, PETA killed 21,000 pets between 1998 and 2008, so they’re basically showing a video starring dogs on chains asking us to give them money to euthanize the little fuckers.

I’m sorry I complained! I’m very happy here! JUST PLEASE KEEP PETA AWWAAAAAAYYYYY.

Kiss ass Cody actually tries to cry as he watches the video, and it’s hilarious.

LOL

They not only have to find giant clothes, they have to find giant clothes not made out of giant cows. Julie gives her credit card to Cody and restates that she absolutely, a thousand million gazillion percent doesn’t trust Brett. HA.

Janna and Gary get to the store to shop for Asian toddler, and Gary is amazed at Janna’s talent for picking the most boring pieces out of the most fabulous stores. Gary pulls a lot of ugly too, but his ugly isn’t boring.

They’re gonna strain Asian Toddler through this and make yogurt cheese.

Brett and Cody try to shop for Precious, but unfortunately they are in LA and no one carries fat clothes. It’s a world of no, and it’s depressing. I am not Precious big, but I plan to be one day and it’s a shame to see my Wal-Mart sweats future so clearly. Finally, they find a store with tent shirts, and they do what they can. Cody picks horizontal stripes. For a fat person. LOL. Why do they even SELL THOSE?!?! So. Wrong.

That shirt makes you look fat, and you’re not even wearing it.

They’ve got a lot of giant plain clothes, and now it’s time to find some “vegan accessories.” LOL. What does that even mean? When it’s time to pay for all those sides of ranch dressing, Cody realizes he’s lost Julie’s credit card! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. He goes with his first line of defense, trying to blame Brett. “Are you sure she didn’t give it to you?” I really love this show. Brett starts nagging him about where he could have left it, and Cody runs around in circles freaking out and turning red. Like the time Aiken was sent the video of himself jerking off on webcam.

Tara, Janna and Gary arrive at the W to show Eric their pulls. For some reason, this all takes place at the pool. To cheap to get a damn room? Poor Asian Toddler has to try shit on in a tent. I’m waiting for the W security team to rush out there and make them leave. Gary wants to use one of Tara’s pulls and is shocked when she won’t let him. Hello the whole thing is about your own pulls dumbshit. Eric loves all three out of three of Tara’s pulls. But he loves all three of Gary’s too. Janna? Gets three nos. He says that when Janna “opens her moat, I yawn.” HA. Keep your moat closed, J! The army can’t get into the castle! Janna asks herself the same question we at home have been asking for six weeks. “Why am I even here?” Well, for one, you’re helping the kids who watch this show rethink dropping out of school. So thanks!

Jaws music plays as Julie drives up to her job. Cody admits to losing her card and the receipt. Julie is more upset that this happened almost an hour ago and he didn’t have the common sense to call her and tell her so she could report it stolen. Well, yeah. Cody looks at her like “call who?” They go inside to get their pulls prepared, and some PETA flake comes over and tells them what a crucial service they are giving to abused animals. By finding giant polo shirts with horizontal stripes on them. Forget the team of five hundred orphans it took to sew that shit together. At least they’re chained up indoors. Thanks for all you do, PETA!

Julie’s pissed, but honestly it looks no different on her than any of her other emotional states. She stands behind the guys while they work barking to work harder! Work faster! Work harder! Work faster! Precious comes in, dressed like he’s on his way to audition for Boat Trip.

This is a fashion show, Precious! You’re not supposed to try to offend gay people.

Brett pitches his pulls first, and Precious likes all three. Cody only has one good outfit. Wait, scratch that. Julie pulled the jacket, which leaves Cody with one good shirt, and it’s a plain red polo. Ouch. BUT nothing Brett pulled fits, and Cody is thrilled. Why did Precious give them the wrong sizes? Even when you’re a quadruple X you try to fudge that shit. I’ll bet he’s the type to order a salad on a date, like, “it’s totally my thyroid. Or my colon. Or something.” His assistant likes the jacket, and when he says “that’s tight!” he immediately adds “not in the bad way.” HAHAH. Poor Precious Assistant! He’s probably got a little rubber band on his wrist that he snaps every time he’s about to call something “phat” in his boss’ presence. Precious has a costar for the photoshoot, and he didn’t need a stylist. He does, however, need protection.

Someone bring me a side of ketchup.

The dog keeps trying to jump off the couch, and I have to say I’m impressed that the PETA people didn’t chain its ass to it. Asian Toddler arrives at the W to check out her clothes. She likes two of Gary’s pulls and two of Tara’s, but her publicist nixes Tara’s silver ho dress because it makes the toddler look like a Vegas cocktail waitress. Hee. The dress doesn’t fit, either. The next dress is one of Gary’s, so Tara springs into action. She goes into the tent that toddler’s trying stuff on in and tells her that she’s seen bigger stars wear the dress better and “I’m just trying to save you from embarrassment.” BWAHAHAHAH. Tara has balls of steel. LOVE IT. Toddler comes out of the tent wearing the dress and says that she could have sworn she just saw someone else wear it. Janna tries to help her with her shoes and FALLS INTO THE POOL. Eric is mortified. I am delighted. Janna’s like Charlie Brown, but without the sex appeal.

Toddler calls for someone to get a towel and Eric goes “more important, could someone dry off the shoes?” HAHAHAHAH. He’s going to hell, and I can’t wait to meet him there. Over at the PETA job, the director asks for a new look that’s younger and more glamorous. Well, how bout another polo?? Cuz that’s kinda all they have. Actually, this time it’s about plain t-shirts with plaid button downs over them. Precious chooses Brett’s look. After the shoot, Precious tries to teach Cody and Brett, otherwise known as some of the whitest people ever invented, some Jamaican slang. It’s embarrassing to white people, Jamaican people, and Asian people too cuz Cody sounds like he’s making fun of a sushi waitress as he tries to repeat the slang.

For some unknown reason, Asian toddler doesn’t pick Gary’s dress. Tara’s like so sad! HAHAH. In the end, though, she chooses one of Gary’s other pulls. Man, evil didn’t conquer. What gives? This isn’t working. It’s supposed to be a reality show. Follow the rules! As an apology for pushing Janna in the pool, Asian toddler offers to buy everyone dinner. Aw! She asks if they all hang out together, and Gary says “ish.” Then Tara and Gary give each other dirty looks across the table and make everything awkward. Poor Asian Toddler. She just wanted to be nice, and now she’s stuck listening to a bunch of junior assistant drama. Eric is mortified. Again.

Asian Toddler gets all psychotherapy on Tara and starts trying to smooth things over. These people are just so fucking wrong. How could they get a job anywhere? Asian Toddler works that Disney magic, and Gary and Tara hug. Gary is glad they worked it out, cuz tension makes him “whackadacks.” I hope you learned your lesson, Asian Toddler. Don’t be nice to the help. That bill was steep and no one even asked her what show she’s on. And you know they over ordered and took shit home in doggie bags.

I’d like leprosy tattooed on my arm, please. My Desperate Fag Hag Roommate will pay for it later.

The assistants arrive at MMA, and Gary can barely stop himself from telling everyone about Janna falling in the pool. Jen comes out and says “Wow. So Janna is last in every challenge and she’s falling in pools. She’s drowning literally and figuratively.” HAHAHHAAH. Time for rankings!! Brett has redeemed himself with Julie, and Cody takes crap for losing the credit card. Then Jen reminds us that so far Janna has vomited, been attacked “by a dingo” and almost drowned. I am in love with Jen HARD. Eric also hated her pulls and Jen doesn’t know how to help her. Public humiliation won’t help, but it’s fun so stick with that. She’s in last place. Gary takes his first win, Brett takes second, Cody is third, and Tara is fourth. She’s pissed because she was ranked below the dude who lost a credit card, and says flat out that she feels Jen is being misogynistic by awarding only the boys. Jen tells her she’s the worst kind of girl and she’s delusional. Oh shit! This is good!

Tara argues that they just don’t like the girls “cuz we’re not fabulous or something.” Jen says that them not being fabulous is a perfectly reasonable reason not to like them, what with them trying to get a job as stylists and all. Brett lols and so do I. She asks if the girls are possibly always in last cuz they suck the most and then she adds that they bring nothing to the table. Her attitude is that it’s all a little game and Tara’s just a label whore who doesn’t get it. Tara mouths off to her, and Jen says that she doesn’t have the time to give her the therapy she so obviously needs. Tara is dismissed, but not fired. What the hell? What does it take to lose your job at that place?

In the halllway, Brett kisses Tara’s ass and says that she is super talented and she’s like Jen was ten years ago. Tara says “god forbid!” and continues shouting about how Jen needs an exorcism. Jen hears this and comes out into the hallway and threatens to kick Tara’s ass and send her back to retailing for Betsey Johnson. OK Jen needs to be the judge on every reality show on TV. She says she can throw down and Tara needs to think twice before fucking with her. Dang! Bald women are in a class amongst themselves. Tara is surely thinking of peeing on Jen’s car seat or some shit, but you know Jen will have that shit rigged to electrocute her vag if she tries. Cuz Jen’s no Julie. She’s a warrior people! And she’s seen all this bs before. So I would like to announce that this is Jen day. If you have an employee, threaten to beat them. If you don’t, just maybe flick your cigarettes at homeless people and remind them their worthless. Happy Day!

Next week, this happens. AGAIN.

YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY