Here we are at the end of Styl’d's season, and it’s entire run. Can you believe it? Me neither. It’s cheesy, nonsensical, and unintentionally hilarious. I thought that would mean a hit, but apparently young idiots with dreams of being cheezy LA trash don’t make shows that people wanna watch.
Scratch that. Poor young idiots with dreams of being cheezy LA trash.
We open tonight where we left off last week: with Janna about to beat Cody’s ass at the gay bar because he’s ignoring her and making out with Gary’s Ho Cousin. Ho Cousin is pretty, and I don’t know what she’s doing making out with this idiot. Well of course I do. She’s on TV. Someone probably told her those cameras were from The Hills.
I taste like penis? I have no idea why. Just breathe out of your mouth and let’s do this.
She stole my queen! WAAAHHHHH!!!
OK I know I already showed Aiken making out with the Ho Cousin, but this shot deserves to be here, too.
Janna is pretty buzzed by now, and she’s shouting at Brett about Aiken’s nastiness. Brett doesn’t have much to say to her, which is lucky cuz his breath probably would have knocked her out cold. She ditches him and teams with Tara to charge the booth that Ho Cousin and Aiken are in kissing like orangutans. Janna stutters out a few “like like like”s and “mean! Gross! EW! Like!”s. Her motor skills aren’t really functioning, so Tara jumps in for her and tells Cody he’s disgusting and suggests Ho Cousin go get a tetanus shot as soon as possible. Cody, as gayly as possible, whines “whaaaat?” Gary comes over and waves his finger in his face, telling him he hurt Janna’s feelings and he just needs to stop. Cody’s all
And Ho Cousin’s all
OMG I am so lucky to be on The Hills.
Janna and Tara leave, talking about what trash Cody is. Brett would be with them too, but he’s waiting right outside the bathroom waiting for the attendant to go on break so he can sneak in and steal all his tip change.
It’s time to get rankings from the last episode. Brett joins Gary and Tara in front of MMA, saying that Cody’s evil and blah. Cody arrives and hears Brett call him a Keebler Elf. He turns red and snaps that he’s happy with the way he’s dressed today. Tara laughs that she doesn’t know how he can be happy when it burns when he pees. Aw, Cooties. That game is fun as an adult, too. Except now we call it Syphilis. Cody doesn’t understand why everyone’s being mean to him, which starts an argument between Tara and him. “You’re a whore.” “But like…I like what? I was doing my thing!” “What is your thing?” “It’s like….like…what am I supposed to do?” This reminds me of the recent fires in LA. I stood on my roof watching the hills burn and thought “Man, it’s like the world’s ending. And it’s about damn time.”
Janna approaches, and Brett gives her a biiiiig hug, like because Cody’s a jerk that means Janna didn’t tempt him to steal Julie’s identity and try to get him fired and he never crashed her car. She thanks Cody for the lovely memories last night and he defensively starts shouting about her going apeshit on him. His voice is super high pitched and he cracks a couple times. Screech fight! She shouts that he has no respect for women and he shouts that he’s only thirteen and she shouts that she was treated like trash and he shouts that he should have won American Idol but that fat bastard Ruben Studdard won and every time he closes his eyes he sees his fat sweaty face.
All this screaming and yelling have attracted the English police to the scene, and Cody and Janna are hauled away and thrown in jail until they can pass a simple spelling test. The End.
No, not The End. It’s not the English police at all. It’s Jen. She was in her office bathroom trying to clean the clumps of hair out of her shower drain when she heard all the screaming and yelling. She can’t believe that people who are competing for a job would be this unprofessional. She also can’t believe that she has Mr. Smithers’ hairline when she’s only like 22. I feel ya, girl.
Janna tells Jen that she and Cody hooked up and then the next night he hooked up with someone else. It’s TMI. TttttttMI. She shudders and then leads the assistants into her office, opening “Jesus Christ you’re making me crazy.” As you remember, last week, Brett was given props for picking Carnie Wilson’s shoulder chain out. The props are repeated here. Tara is told that she had the most to prove and she did it on the werwolf job. Now, if only they could figure out how every job could have something to do with styling dead people, Tara might have a chance at a win. Cody may have dressed the werewolf, but it was with everything that Tara pulled. Brett is ranked number one, and Gary is second. Tara ties for second. And she’s thrilled. I’m thrilledish for her, but tying for second after coming in second to last so many times, she’s kinda f’ed. Cody is third.
Now it’s time that Jen tells Janna off for sucking so hard yet again. Janna says that she’s sick of being treated like crap, and Jen says that she is treated like crap cuz she’s immature and not stepping up. Janna gives a speech to save herself. “LIke, I wanna like I dunno maybe like kinda do this waaaaaahhhhh!” She wants to prove it to herself that she can do this, and Jen is like “but you can’t and Erica hates you and wants you to die slowly so YOU’RE FIRED.” Ouch. Well, there’s always….I’m trying to come up with a job for Janna to apply for, but can’t think of one.
I was like about to like kinda I dunno get the fries outta the fryer but then I like I dunno like they were MEEEAN TO MEEEEEEEEE!
McDonald’s Fries: Sorry, but that bitch is crazy.
Janna cries and gets up and leaves, and Jen acts like that’s the rudest thing ever. Jen’s a sociopath, and I hope that I get to ask her to lunch one day. Brett will be working alone with Eric, and the other three will be with Jen. Gary sucks down some helium and tells us that he wants this job and no one’s gonna stand in his way. When they are excused, Janna is waiting outside for them to waaaaah. Tara tells her that Jen’s word isn’t the word of God and it’s no biggie that she just got fired. On national TV. For not being able to unpack clothes from a car. Janna argues that it is, in fact, a big deal, and the only one who tries to argue with her is Cody. He says that she’s super talented and she’ll survive. She stops crying and says that she doesn’t want him to talk to her. LOL.
Brett is kinda sweet in a condescending way to Janna as he walks her to her car that he got into a wreck. He must be feeling pretty good about himself right now. He’s made it through an episode and a half without making a stupid decision. Oh wait. His phone rings and it’s Desperate Fag Hag Roomie. Brett hasn’t paid the cable bill and it was turned off. Now for those of you who don’t have Desperate Fag Hags of your own, let me explain. With a sweet, giving hag, you can talk about yourself all the time and never ask about her, you could make her always be the designated driver and never take a turn yourself, you can borrow her sweaters without asking and bring them back stained, you can live for free on her couch, you can expect her to throw you birthday parties even if you don’t know when her birthday is, you can leave her at a bar cuz you found someone to make out with and you know she’d try to talk you out of it, you can always pick the movie that you see together….I could go on but I’ll spare you. Point is, Desperate Fag Hags can take a lot of abuse, but fuck with their Tyra time and your ass is DEAD.
Brett whines that he didn’t pay the bill cuz she never gave him money to pay it. LOL. How dare she expect him to pay his own way!!! This is going against all the hag/fag rules!! Looks like she’s getting some confidence, otherwise known as A BOYFRIEND. DFH is going crazy on the other end of the line, and Brett gives her attitude and tells her he’s busy and has to think about his job. Which right now entails trying to convince Janna that she’s not a complete loser. She doesn’t believe him, and neither do any of us, so he gives up and heads home. When he gets there, No Longer Desperate Fag No Longer Hag is waiting for him at the front door. “I’m sorry, kitten. I love you to death but I can’t do this any more.” Ouch. That’s hag code for the f word, the c word, and the other f word (FAT). Brett is stunned. He whines that he can’t pay the bills without money and she’s like “uh yeah. That’s kinda the point.” Our entitled little dirty person can’t believe that he wouldn’t just have squatters rights with no paying job.
You can’t support me and somehow that’s my fault?
No Longer Desperate Fag No Longer Hag kicks him out. He says that he’ll his shit and go, and she says he can do it later. He says he doesn’t wanna be where he’s not wanted. He grabs Hefty bags that he didn’t pay for and fills them with his clothes. Of course he has some dramatic speech about not being wanted and he can’t believe this is happening after the horrors he’s already come through in his life. Brett doesn’t need this shit! He’s a survivor and will take care of himself!! And by take care of himself I mean he’ll call Gary and assume that he’ll have free room and board there. Gary’s all awkward about it and says no because Cody and Ho Cousin are currently using him and there’s no room at the Inn. Couch? No, sorry it’s not Scotch Guarded and you smell like old pee. Floor? Sorry but Rosalita won’t be happy having to disinfect the hardwood every morning and you don’t piss off Rosalita. Back yard? Sorry. That’s reserved for dog poop and grass. What part of NO don’t you hear, yo? Sad music plays as poor Brett looks off into the distance, deciding to live in his car. Until it gets repossessed.
Shots of Brett brushing his teeth outside by a tree, peeing behind a bush, and cutting his nails on a playground slide in his underwear. And….arrested. The next day, Tara, Gary and Brett meet at Jen’s house for their assignment. She takes Tara inside alone first to have a little pep/warning talk. Tara says that she is horrified by her past behavior and she’s sorry that she acted like that. Jen says she believes in Tara and she wants her to succeed. And also please don’t pee on my toothbrush or stick my mouth guard in your ass cheeks when I’m not looking.
Jen brings the other two in and tells them all the today’s jobs are with Jess and Lisa from The Veronicas. It’s a photo shoot for their new album.
And I’m saving it to put in your contact case later if you piss me off.
Cody needs to prove that he can dress women, and Tara is excited to get to prove herself. Gary is calm, collected, and extremely well moisturized.
Gary thinks he’s in first and will remain in first for this one. Brett arrives at Eric’s late. Dude, you don’t have a house. How can you be late? Who oversleeps in their CAR? Eric announces that they will be working with Ashley Tisdale today. If you don’t know who she is, stick coffee cup full of change in your dryer and let it go. Your head will hurt and you will want to beat the car with a bat. Congrats! You’ve listened to Ashley! Eric wants Brett to drive him around, but Brett has his unwashed clothes filling the car, so that might be a problem. Eric tells him he doesn’t care and Brett needs to find a way to make this shit work, cuz “everyone knowss Ayrich Archibathd dothen’t drivezthzs.” They get to Brett’s car, and it’s way too full to fit anything onto. Brett promises he can do it and crumples up Tisdale clothes and shoves them in the trunk. LOL. Eric is horrified, but he does nothing to stop this. If everything wasn’t gonna be skin tight on the little teenage hooker of the day, wrinkles might be a problem, but this is Tisdale.
When they get to the job, Brett starts throwing all his personal items into the trash and tells Eric he’s doing it for the love of the WORK!! Eric is impressed, but still, the car is smelly and greasy and dirty and “Ewik Awchiboldth duthn’t dwive awound Beverwlyth click click Heelsth in a doody caw!” I’m sure that everyone with a MexicanAfricanJamaicanEnglishGermanDragicanGay accent is glad this show is ending so they won’t be shown in such poor light anymore on national TV.
Jen arrives at the first store to shop for the Veronicas. She does a lot of pulls by herself, just in case the kids come in and bone it like usual. At a different store, Tara tells us that the competition here is Gary. People think Cody is cute, but no one has ever accused him of being talented. Tara is very inspired by Japanese street fashion. She sounds like Gwen Stefani. Four years ago. Hey it’s not about modernity, it’s about….I don’t know what it’s about still and I’ve been watching this show for two months. Cody finds some see through knickers that aren’t fug. Gary squeals and Tara goes “aww!” LOL.
Back at the Eric job, Eric says that Brett is supposed to be getting his shit together and proving himself and that’s not happening. He tells Brett something in Ethiopigaynish and then snaps “I’m watching you.” Brett laughs, going for a charm disarm. “I know, I can feel you breathing behind my neck!” Or down my deck, but it’s Brett. And it’s America in 2009. By the next decade, we won’t have words at all. Just grunts, points, and butt sniffs.
Brett picks a bunch of what looks like loose fitting stuff. Um hello, she’s gonna hate that shit. You need skin tight and vagina molding. Back at the other job, Tara tells us that she’s totes jeal of Gary’s fabulous pulls, but she has secret weapons that she’s ready to whip out at the gig. Yaaaay! That means she’s gonna pee on something! Oh darn. No peeing. She figures since she’s dressing a couple of goth chicks, she should go to the only place that she knows she can find clothes that border on funeral clown outfits: Her own closet. Holler!
I think Johnny Depp wore this as Willy Wonka. Perfect!
Tara goes a little far here. The Veronicas might be goth, but they’re fairly wealthy goth, meaning they probably don’t want to be wearing used socks in a shoot. Ew, Tara!
I have the perfect matching thong in the hamper.
She’s confident she’s gonna win. I’m confident the Veronicas are gonna get crabs. Back at the other gig, Gary tries to talk himself into being very quiet so Jen doesn’t give him shit about his settiquitte. Jen gives him, Tara and Cody a pep talk about doing something that won’t make her forget they ever existed by tomorrow morning. Tara whips out her pulls and Cody is pissed that he doesn’t have any womens clothes to get from home. Who’s fault is that?
Eric and Brett get to the Tisdale job and she is sweet as pie. She pretends to remember Eric from another job and even compliments Brett’s psoriasis tattoo. Tisdale won’t wear leather in summer, she hates sequins…she wants to look feminine, but unfortch there are a lot of leather vests and shit. She’s not pleased. Eric isn’t doing any better than Brett. Seriously did he steal this piece off Shirley McClaine?
She hates the leather and sequins, and she’s also unhappy that everything’s loose fitting instead of skin tight. Told ya! I know my skinny teen whores. Luckily, they brought a couple pairs of short shorts. She likes the shorts and that’s it. She likes Brett’s graphic tee, and she tries it on. After almost suffocating on the smell of ten day old milk, she says that she wants them to go out and find her some graphic tees. This job was a massive, massive suck.
Now let’s go check out the Veronicas. Cody’s all excited cuz they’re hot twins. Ugh he’s so disgusting. I’m sure he totally has a chance. What goth doesn’t like a ginger dressed like a Newsies extra? The girls choose one of Gary’s choices for their first look, but Tara’s convinced that she’ll pull ahead….later. Cody knows he doesn’t have a chance from hell in winning based on his clothing taste, so he’ll try to add some accessories. And smile a lot and kiss their asses.
Brett and Eric are back to the drawing board, shopping for Tisdale. They’re in a t-shirt shop, and they’re picking lots of oversized shirts again. Hulleow? Cut to the other gig. While Tara and Gary, you know, WORK, Cody is spending his time up the Veronica’s butts at krafts services. He’s smiling big and saying things like “I like your accent. It’s…fun.” UGHGHGHG. Since the girls are “goth”, I had actually hoped that they would kick him in the nuts and get him kicked off set for being such a tool. Instead, they just giggle and pray silently that he’ll just go away. Jen notices that Cody’s missing, and she’s pissed. When she comes to find Cody, he’s asking the blonde “so do you, like, have a boyfriend?” She’s way too polite to respond “no. Do you?” But you know she’s thinking it. It cannot be stressed enough. This guy. Is a FUCKING. TOOL.
Please save me, dead little fish.
Jen approaches them to ask blonde Vero about a shirt, and Cody sits and watches her work as he eats BVero’s food. LOL. Jen’s pissed, but she doesn’t pop his eyes out of their sockets at the scene.
Brett and Eric Archibald Doesn’t Do Dick see Tisdale’s manager, but Eric is afraid to approach him so he makes Brett do it. They all meet up with Tis and she hates everything they pulled. What part of HATE OVERSIZED CLOTHES don’t you fools get? Finally, they whip out a tiny, black, skintight short shorts number that looks like it belongs on a two year old, but hey a win’s a win, eh? Tis finally goes onstage, and even though they made it, Eric is “fustrated”. LOL.
Over at the Veronicas job, Tara pitches her pulls to the girls. They love everything she brought and decide to use a lot of her stuff. The photoshoot is all about teens in the 80′s getting wasted and trying to be Madonna while throwing up in an alley, so Tara was kinda the perfect choice.
Any less Aqua Net and she’d have to hold your hair back.
At the end of it all, Tara and Gary each get one outfit in, and Cody just embarrassed himself and both gay and straight people everywhere. Now the only thing to do is get judged! Quick question, how come it’s always a full moon on every damn MTV show ever filmed?
Everyone starts showing up for final rankings, and Gary’s already squealing. Jen comes out to get them and take them into the office where Eric and Julie are waiting for them. Jen explains that the winner won’t be chosen based on this one gig, but all of them together, which kinda blows it for Tara, no? Jen et all will recommend their choice, but Margaret will choose the winner. Jen gets rid of Aiken right away. She says he’s unbalanced with the whole dressing men vs women thing, but she restrains herself from calling him a slimy, shitty, dickish faux breeder stud, which is disappointing.
Can I still hold my breath and diddle your vag later?
Gary pretends that he’s auditioning for a role in Pasadena Playhouse’s version of The Squeakuel and tells us how he wants this more than anyone else. Tara says she eats, drinks, and smokes fashion. HAHAHAH. Brett says that he hopes the judges can see how badly he wants this. I think all they can see is that jacket. Yikes, man. You look like Red Skelton.
No, I won’t pull your finger.
Brett’s jacket is pretty good, but nothing is making me laugh as hard as Tara’s innocent doe eyed face.
I have no idea why your coffee smells like urine.
So guys, why do you deserve this more than your competitors? Gary deserves it because he’s always wanted to be in fashion. Want is not a reason, Squeal! Also, he’s been consistently good. Jen says that’s all fine, but why does he deserve to win over the other two? Well, cuz Brett’s life is a mess and you can’t trust Tara as far as you can throw her. LOL! Snapple: Squeal Flavor. DAMN, GARY!! I didn’t type the part five minutes ago where he told the others that no matter what happens, he hopes they stay friends. Somehow that LIE seems more important now.
Tara is next and says that her biggest problem has been her attitude, but her end results have been great. Then she apologizes to Jen for being evil. Julie says “she has more inside than I thought she did.” She doesn’t mean it, cuz she’s talking about her right in front of her. Eric says that this is the Tara he’s known the whole time. Brett is next at bat and says that Gary goes overboard with his lame personality and complimenting people’s asses crosses the line. Tara’s not prepared to work for such a classy agency and is crazy. Tara has had enough and says that Brett can’t go to jobs pushing a shopping cart. HAHAHAHAHAH. Brett says that being homeless shouldn’t have anything to do with this.
The assistants go outside to give the judges private time and they don’t bitch at each other. Eric wants Tara, Julie wants Gary, and Jen wants Brett. She also says right up front that Tara won’t get this. Julie agrees, but Eric argues for her and says that the girls scared Tara. HA. They say that’s her own problem and they refuse to reward a brat with a contract. He knows he’s not gonna win this battle so he gives up. Very lispily.
Jen doesn’t think she could recommend Gary to Margaret because of his bad setiquitte. Julie says that Brett was mean to Cody by flirting with him so hard that day. Oh puhleeze. Jen knows they won’t agree, but Margaret’s on her way in so they need to hurry. Jen thinks that Brett has a natural personality that people gravitate towards even though he’s a mess. Eric starts shout lisping about Brett being too irresponsible to handle the gig. He and Jen yell at each other for a bit, and a lady with her bra straps showing gets out of a car outside.
Eric brings up Brett stealing Julie’s identity. Finally someone brought that up. How is he still even here? Jen thinks they shouldn’t bring any personal issues into it, even though her problem with Gary is his personality so whatevs. Margaret enters and air kisses everyone. Jen tells her they can’t agree, and she says that she can’t make the decision herself. She asks who they would send on one of their own jobs if they couldn’t make it. Silence. NONE OF THEM. The kids are all brought back in. Jen announces that third place is…TARA! Ouch. Jen says she’s talented but she can’t just leak bodily fluids on people’s things when she disagrees with something. Tara is very graceful as she squats on the floor and lays a tiny pile of poo.
Brett and Gary are both great and blah, but the winner is….
Brett wins!! I think this is the first time in reality show history that a homeless person won something! Congrats to you and all the other hobos out there!
The next Bob Mackie
Guys, while I was searching for the pic above, I came across this one. How nasty is this?
Gary can’t believe it, and neither can I. Well, it just goes to show you. You don’t have to come from wealth, or have talent or a shower. You can always get a job in LA!! HOLLER!! I should have known that Brett was the winner when he showed up to his TVgasm interview with this hair.
This is called blind confidence, people.
Thanks for sticking with me on this one, you guys! Have a fabulous 2010!! LOVE