This week on Teen Mom:
Maci has settled the custody situation with Ryan so she’s just chilling in Nashville. She discusses marriage with a friend poolside. Maci states that it’s too early, but they both definitely know they won’t be breaking up…excuse me for a moment while I laugh my ass off…Maci does admit that she would say “yes” if he asked her. Not a big surprise, considering Maci’s history with saying “no”.
Nice shirt, douche bag
The DNA test reveals that there is a 99.6% chance that Derek is Sophia’s father. Farrah seems a little too relieved. As a result, Farrah’s lawyer doesn’t suspect that they’ll have any problem getting Sophia her survivor benefits. Resolution is BORING!
Gary’s staying at his brother’s place with Leah. Clearly this is a half brother. Gary states that in 3 weeks he lost his girl, his house, and 30 pounds. I would think he’d lose a good 15 lb. with an average shit. Nevertheless, Gary should try to lose 5 more girls and 5 more houses to avoid dying from diabetes by the age of 30. Amber is really missing Leah and knows she went too far so, to cope, she gets her nails done with cousin Krystal (she undoubtedly broke a nail beating the 30lb. of shit out of Gary). Amber shares that she has a date with some piece of trash she met at Walmart. She’s still upset with Gary threating CPS. She’d never want to put Leah through all “that”, but let’s get back to what’s really important, Amber getting it in. She’s excited for her date because this time around she’s going to try a “nice guy” because Gary was such a bad boy? WTF? This bitch is dumb.
Catelynn and Tyler have been having a shitty time. They couldn’t graduate from high school and April is still Catelynn’s mom. Yeah, it’s pretty shitty. But, they get a call from baby merchant Dawn and meet her for some good news. They get to visit Carly! Later, they discuss whether or not she’ll recognize them. Fuck no, you idiots, she’s a stupid baby. Catelynn is worried that when April finds out, she will react like she did when He-Man tried to defend the secrets of Castle Grayskull.
Life still sucks for Tyler and Catelynn,
but don’t Catelynn’s hands look like they belong to Tyler?
Amber calls Gary to half-assly apologize, but really she just wants him to return Leah. He agrees to bring her over and I’m pretty sure he says “I love you” and she just hangs up. When they arrive, Amber is sitting on her ass. Do you notice that Amber always sitting or lying on that mattress? Trying to figure out how this bitch lost all that weight since she doesn’t appear to ever move. Gary thanks her for apologizing and Amber gets down to it. She only apologized so she could break the news about meeting someone. It’s been 4 days for Christ’s sake! Clearly Amber is looking for any opportunity to keep Gary away. Gary asks if she’s going to introduce him to Leah and Amber’s all “It’s not there yet” . No shit? Amber starts to get irritated and this could have easily escalated to another “pig slaughter” if Gary hadn’t left. He returns to his brother’s apartment all melancholy. He reveals to his brother’s girlfriend that he’s going to apologize to Amber. It’s not Amber’s fault that Gary’s fat get’s in the way of her punching fists.
Catelynn tells April over the phone about the meeting with Carly. April gets super pissed that Catelynn didn’t wait to tell her in person. April storms into the house with serious attitude. Catelynn tries to talk to her, but April’s too busy acting like a child. Catelynn sits in Tyler’s car and cries. They discuss April’s selfishness and Catelynn believes April’s pissed that her daughter is making better decisions.
For some reason Gary thinks that sending flowers to Amber is that right move. He goes to some god awful florist and talks to the cashier about how he’s trying to make things right with his baby mama. In the middle, his phone rings and it’s Amber. She wants him to watch Leah so she can go whore it up with Chris (the Walmart guy). Gary explains that he is in the middle of something and Amber starts to chew him out. Why did she want him to bring Leah back if she was just going to turn around and ask him to watch her? Gary proceeds with his flower order then gets in his van and cries all the way to Amber’s. Poor Chubs!
Gary cries tears of butter
Despite Kyle’s claim that “Him’s not old enough”, Maci proceeds with potty training Bentley. Meanwhile, Kyle’s demanding work schedule means his tired and needs to go to bed early. But, Maci is bored and wants to get it on. She never imagined Kyle would be this unavailable.
A dinner with Kassy, Derek’s sister, gives Farrah further closure. She opens up about her fears of finding love again and Kassy reiterates that she was Derek’s one and only love.
Damn Farrah, you need to stop crying in public
With the Carly meeting just a week away, Catelynn and Tyler need to get busy on the scrapbook. But the whole thing is just too much for Tyler, who also appears to have finally started puberty.
Maci talks to her friends about how things between her and Kyle have changed, no shit?
Amber’s all dolled up for her date when Chris. She goes to pick him up from his work place which appears to be a junkyard. In order to set his best foot forward, he changes into a “nicer” shirt behind a car. Amber’s not quite sure about Chris, but states “This may be just want I need”. Amber, I can guarantee you that Chris is not what you need, unless he is a therapist.
They head to a restaurant called “3 Pigs”. Awwwww…she must be missing Gary! That’s so sweet! Chris reveals that he’s been in trouble and is currently in a work release program. He tells Amber that meeting her was the best day of his life. He also claims to love that she has a baby. And she’s all “Can you handle being a parent?” WTF? Why don’t you first make sure he isn’t a registered sex offender? Amber doesn’t quite buy it, but she goes with it, thinks it sweet! PUH-LEASE! They proceed to make out in the booth. Too bad Walmart doesn’t have a free clinic, or does it?
Sophia’s social security benefits are a go! She will receive $236 a month and Farrah’s excited to tell her parents. However, Farrah must have forgotten that her mother is a raging cunt-face. Not only does she poo poo on the $236 a month, she also starts to get super passive aggressive about Farrah and Sophia being in contact with Derek’s family. When Farrah mentions that they want to get together more (once a month), Debra responds, “There’s not a lot of time right now”. Yeah, Debra’s really busy this month, there are a look of puppies that need shooting.
Amber manages to get her ass of the couch and answer the front door. It’s flowers, but from whom? Amber reads the pathetically heartfelt note and before I could even point out Gary’s atrocious misspelling of “recently”, Amber does. She then proceeds to laugh. It’s sad and all, but really, is a fatty that’s also a bad speller worth loving?
Maci’s dropping Bentley off with Ryan and you can tell she’s excited to get some alone time with Kyle. She wants to go out, but Kyle is “tired”. Man Maci, it must really suck to be so clueless.
Farrah has arranged another therapist meeting with her mom. Good idea! Farrah states that the relationship has improved. Debra reveals that Farrah has matured. She still remembers how Farrah wanted to get an abortion (a pretty reasonable option) and how Debra talked her out of it. Of course, she did, why should Farrah be allowed to makes these choices for herself? The therapist brings up Derek’s passing and Debra’s says that people “romanticize” things. She remembers the bad things the “baby daddy” (her words, not mine) did to Farrah. And since they were broken up during the time of his death, how could it possibly affect Farrah? Damn, I think Debra may be the worst parent on Teen Mom. In short, the therapist tells her that that’s stupid and Debra apologizes. Let’s hope they can work this shit out, for Sophia’s sake.
Catelynn packs for her trip and April comes in with a dress for Carly. Catelynn tells April that she hopes she can forgive her for selling Carly. April isn’t over it, especially since Catelynn said she was going to name Carly after her. I don’t really like “Carly”, but it’s definitely better than “Skeletor”. During their tender mother-daughter talk, April tells Catelynn, “Don’t tell me how to be a mom when you couldn’t be one…” and storms out. Ironically, April’s shirt has peace signs all over it. Swastikas would be more appropriate. Catelynn, just like Gary, apologizes to her abuser and all is well, for now.
Kyle’s coming over to talk. This can’t be good. When Maci asks if this was all too much too soon, Kyle doesn’t hesitate to answer “kinda”. He adds, “too much weight on my shoulders, kinda a headache”. What a charmer! When Maci asks if they are going to work this out, he states “We haven’t yet”. Maci explains that if they break up, it’s for good. She asks, “What now?” Kyle responds “I guess we tried” and leaves. Nice. Take about “hit it and quit it”. I guess fire crotch isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maci remains composed.
I guess the carpet matches the drapes and Kyle’s ready for a remodel!
Gary is going over to Amber’s to talk about the flowers, etc. Gary acts like he is at fault for all their problems and Amber lets him take the blame! Amber tells him she’s dating and Gary leaves upset.
Maci’s friends come over and she tells them that the person she wants to marry just walked out the door. Seriously? Do you ever learn? She says she more upset for Bentley. I’m guessing Bentley liked being the smartest male around. Sorry Bentley, but that’s what you get when your mom treats every guy like husband-material. Despite this Kyle fiasco, Maci has decided to remain in Nashville. She thinks it will help her grow, but we all know she just doesn’t want to hear the “I told you so’s” from EVERYBODY.
Farrah takes Sophia to the park and tells her about her dad. She attempts to go her pictures, but Sophia isn’t interested because she’s a fucking baby.