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The time has come, we must bid a farewell to the 4 teen moms we have grown to love and hate. They have made us laugh, cry, and feel even more strongly about our pro-choice stance on abortion. But, before we say our “see you later’s” we must take a closer look at this weeks emotional season finale:
The time has come for Catelynn and Tyler to meet Carly. They try to mentally and emotionally prepare before the 8 hour car ride to West Virginia. Tyler is “blank” and doesn’t know quite what to feel. They stop by Tyler’s mom’s house before hitting the road. Tyler’s mom expresses her own mixed emotions about the reunion. Never before has a woman with an a undeniable, yet unintentional resemblance to a clown been so eloquent.
Tyler’s mom can give great advice and juggle at the same time!
Farrah doesn’t like her apartment. Jesus Christ, will this bitch ever stop complaining about her apartment? Move already! Things are going well between her and her mother, Debra, and Debra has agreed to let her move in to the rental house 2 weeks early. Debra has also offered to set Farrah up with her hair stylist Tino’s son, Julian. He’s handsome and super smart, having just graduated from Paul Mitchell. Oh, and he’s totally in not into dick or anything. Debra calls Tino to hook Farrah up with a “cut and dye” from Julian. It would have been so much funnier if she had requested an anal bleaching.
Things are moving fast for Amber and baby rapist boyfriend Chris. Since he just got off of work release and has no money, Amber is, naturally, letting him live with her. After all, she need’s help with Leah and who better to help than a convicted sex offender! Before he moves in, Amber has him over to meet Leah. Poor Leah, she knows a perv when she sees one and is stand offish. NO LEAH, DON’T PLAY HARD TO GET! THEY LIKE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT!!!! Let’s just hope, for Leah’s sake, that Amber has left some knives or poison out and within Leah’s reach.
Hey buddy, hands where I can see them!
Gary hits the batting cages with Jordan, formerly toxic fat friend, who will now be referred to as “surprisingly supportive, but still fat friend #1″ (the numbers are necessary when you get a glimpse of Chris, Gary’s other friend). “Surprisingly supportive, but still fat friends” inquire about Amber’s new beau. “Surprisingly support, but still fat friend #2″ ridicules the fact Amber met him at Walmart. They tell Gary that he’s better off with out her.
Maci is sad about breaking up donkey face, but she’s focusing on Bentley. She drops him off with Ryan and Ryan asks if she’s received any mail in regards to custody. Ryan reveals that he wants Bentley more and Maci isn’t liking what she hears.
Debra and Farrah head to the Salon. Farrah tells Julian about her dream of opening a restaurant. Julian pretends to be impressed and mentions that his brother works at a restaurant. Farrah knows the restaurant and says that she been wanting to go. She then slyly suggests that they go together. Farrah’s working it. Julian, out of contractual obligation to MTV, agrees.
On their way to West Virginia, Catelynn gets a call from April who wasn’t around when they left. April demands that Catelynn not forget about her. Don’t worry April, no matter how hard she tries, Catelynn will never be able to forget you! Catelynn realizes that April just feels left out. Tyler reflects on the situation, still not quite grasping what’s about to go down.
I just want to take this time to remind everyone how bat shit crazy Amber went when Gary mentioned having roommates. Remember? Good. This bitch is crazy. Since Chris doesn’t have any money to help out with rent, he wants to pull his weight, of course he’s willing to babysit. He starts to tell Amber how he wants to be with her forever and wants to marry her. Amber eats it up and then Chris asks to borrow the car. Awesome.
Maci is going to stay in Chattanooga until the whole custody thing is settled. At dinner her parents ask about Kyle and Maci reveals that she broke up with him. That’s funny, that’s not quite how I remember things, but whatever. Maci’s mom skips the “I told you so” and goes straight for the “so you are moving back, right?” When Maci answers “no” her parents are visibly pissed. Don’t worry Maci’s parents, it won’t be long until she returns!
Catelynn and Tyler arrive in West Virginia. They call Theresa and plan to meet at noon, the next day, for a picnic.
Maci finally receives the letter from the mediation people in regards to the custody meeting happening the next day. She meets up with a friend. She doesn’t want to give up any time with Bentley. If only those coke bottles she’s wearing as glasses would allow her to see into the future.
Jesus Christ, Four Eyes, haven’t you ever heard of contacts?
Farrah receives a text from Julian. They meet up at the restaurant which is in a strip mall, as is with everything else in Council Bluffs. Farrah’s a little nervous about telling Julian about Sophia. I’m sure he never put 2 and 2 together when he signed that release to appear on a MTV show called “Teen Mom”. He asks her what she does for fun, etc. Not only does she tell him she has a kid, she also replies to something with “True dat”, double deal breaker! They order peanut butter and bacon toast and proceed with their awkward date.
The time has come. Tyler and Catelynn meet up with Carly et. al. Catelynn gives Carly a stuffed animal. Sweetness ensues.
Father, why have you forsaken me?
Gary and Leah are over at Gary’s mom’s house. Of course she has a Pepsi machine in the front yard. When you are on a strict diet of 10,000 calories/day you need constant access to high fructose corn syrup. Amber and Gary need to work out a custody agreement. So while Chris cleans the apartment and Amber takes a break from sucking dick she gives Gary a call. Gary immediately starts to question Amber about Leah’s scratches and dirty clothes. Amber’s get all defensive and they argue. For some reason Chris gets on the phone to mediate. So out of line. This pisses Gary off even more, Amber thinks it’s funny. She wants to know where Gary is because they need to talk, he won’t tell her so she calls him a fat ass and hangs up. She then tells Chris that she will be right back. He tries to stop her, but she leaves anyways. She drives over to Gary’s mom’s house and Gary looks all surprised that she finds him. Think about it Gary, after ruling out the KFC and Hardee’s there aren’t too many more places you’d be. When he see’s Amber, Gary “runs” to his car and drives off. Amber doesn’t even stop to acknowledge Leah and drives off.
While Carly enjoys the swing, Catelynn and Theresa have a heart to heart. Theresa asks about April, and Catelynn expresses her frustrations. If only Theresa could adopt Catelynn.
Farrah hasn’t heard from Julian since their date, but that’s ok because she’s busy moving. In an attempt to keep her mother away, Farrah drafted a contract. In response, Debra drafted a tenant application complete with fee. Farrah does not respond well to Debra’s total “fuck you” albeit clever. Farrah also isn’t happy to hear that Debra expects her to pay prorated rent for the reminder of the month. Farrah starts to complain about the condition of the place and an argument ensues.
Maci and Ryan meet at the mediator’s office. After some back and forth, Maci agrees to giving Ryan another night. She admits that she needs to do what’s best for Bentley, not her. She cries in the office and Ryan is pleased with the outcome.
Amber returns to her apartment and tells Chris what happened. Chris talks her down, after all he has a vested interest in Leah. Gary talks with “surprisingly supportive, but still fat friend #1″. He tells Gary that’s he’s got to be fair and talk to Amber. Gary misses the fat Amber, she did seem nicer.
After the picnic, Tyler and Catelynn return to the hotel to finish Carly’s scrapbook. April calls to check in and is disappointed to discover that the meeting didn’t completely destroy Catelynn. But, April remains hopeful that Catelynn will be torn apart when they leave. Catelynn and Tyler reflect upon the day, they make cute kids, but please don’t make anymore anytime soon. They wonder what it will be like leaving and point out that it won’t be a “goodbye”, but rather a “see you later”.
Maci shares with a friend what went down at mediation. She knows Bentley will benefit from seeing Ryan as much of possible. How else is he going to learn how to “get it in” while avoiding any and all of the consequences?
Farrah’ s been in the rental house for 2 days and Asian friend Kristina comes by to check it out. Farrah gives her the tour and they remark on the insufficient bathroom. Don’t worry Kristina, that tub’s plenty deep enough for Sophia to drown herself when Farrah leaves her unsupervised. Farrah bitches about her mom and Kristina is all “you can always move out”. True, and, yes, Debra’s a major bitch, but Farrah needs to stick this shit out because we all know that she’s too stupid to live without an adult nearby. Plus, she doesn’t have the money! Come one Kristina, you are Asian, do the math! During their conversation, Julian calls. When he asks what’s going on, Farrah actually starts to tell him about the shit going on with her mom. TMI, Farrah! Don’t be telling everyone how fucked up your life is. Let them wait and be surprised when they see it on MTV.
It’s Catelynn and Tyler’s last day with Carly. They meet Brandon and Theresa for breakfast. I must say that it seems like they didn’t really get to spend much time together. But, I guess you don’t want the birth parents around too much, in case they get grabby. They present Carly with the scrapbook, chalk fill of all kinds of shit. I’m surprised that they didn’t include the broken condom that resulted in her conception. Oh yeah, I forgot, poor people are allergic to contraceptive. And to think that they are the one’s that need it the most, life’s funny like that.
Catelynn and Tyler continue to reflect the on the extreme sacrifice it would have been to keep Carly at such a young age. They then ask Theresa and Brandon if having a kid is a sacrifice even when you are older than dirt, like them. Theresa and Brandon wouldn’t call it a “sacrifice” because they were “ready” aka not stupid teenagers with shitty families. C&T comment on how much Carly has changed their lives even though they didn’t keep her. Before Carly, they had no goals, but now they do, like finishing high school in under 5 years. But, for real, C&T are proving to be more mature than the majority of adults on this show. They have one more gift for Carly and it’s a book with a recording of their voices. Carly responds immediately to it and everyone cries. Although the book is about god (lame), you’d have to be one mean m-fucker to not get a little weepy watching this. It is time to part ways, Carly doles out hugs and C&T watch as the family they wish they were part of drives off. C&T are left, sitting on the curb.
Farrah knows she needs to work things out with her mom if she wants to mooch off of her for as long as possible so she tries to express herself to Debra. She tells her straight up that she feels like she’s being ripped off by a family member. And, if you all recall, Farrah only likes being ripped off through craigslist. Upon expressing her wants without a tantrum, Debra obliges. Farrah admits that she’s sad and that she let’s things built up and then explodes. Debra ‘s all, “if you don’t tell me how you feel I can’t control your life, I mean help you.” She then goes on to tell Farrah that she’s proud of her and, as if reading from a script, Farrah tells Debra that she’s glad to have her as a mom. Funny how things work out just in time for the season finale.
Farrah goes in for the hug, Take 7
Amber still hasn’t talked to Gary, but she’s glad Chris is around to help…himself. The camera records him changing Leah’s diaper. WTF?!??! This shit is getting really fucked up. I never thought I’d say this, but where’s Chris Hanson when you need him? Gary is coming over to finally talk about custody, but Chris better be gone! Chris leaves and Gary comes over. You know off the bat that Amber is going to be manipulative because her voice goes up an octave. Gary suspects that Chris dressed Leah, and starts to, understandably, get pissed. He firmly states that he is NOT to change her diaper. Amber, who’d rather have a baby rapist change her daughter’s diaper than do it herself, responds with a “he can if he wants! Ok, think about what you just said, Amber, what 20 something year old guy WANTS to change some bitch’s kid’s diaper? The answer: one that likes to rape babies. When Amber admits that Chris changed Leah, Gary is gets real and Amber gets in his face. He gets up and leaves. Amber’s all calling him selfish and fake crying and feeling sorry for herself.
I love how Ryan and Maci had a mediator to solve their custody issue. All Amber and Gary added to the mix was a child molester, nice. Have you also noticed that the only teen mom offspring not in the middle of a custody battle were either sold by their parents or has one dead parent? So, Gary, the solution is simple, either sell Leah (maybe to Chris?) or kill Amber. I vote for the later, but hey, that’s just me. Instead, Gary returns to the apartment and is all apologetic and says that he just wants what’s best for Leah. Amber’s so full of shit, she thanks him for being a man and starts babbling about how they just “wasn’t right together”. Before she can finish, Leah points and says, “Quiet…now”. Amber, surprisingly obliges, and Gary smiles. Maybe there is hope for Leah? Gamber hug and things appear “resolved”.
Amber, even Leah’s sick of hearing you talk
Maci goes to pick up Bentley and Ryan asks about her boyfriend. Maci responds that she doesn’t have a boyfriend and she asks about Kathryn. Ryan reveals that they don’t date anymore. Ryan then asks “do you think we should be together for Bentley?” Maci responds, “Not if we aren’t going to be happy.” And then Ryan’s all “Yeah, me neither.” Maci calls him out and it’s awkward. But, as Maci put it, with them both single, who knows what will happen?
Catelynn and Tyler return to the hotel. As they cuddle on the bed, they discuss the visit and how pleased they are with their choice and one another. A vomit-inducing love fest ensues.
Looks like Carly may be getting a sibling!