The City: Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

This week on The Shitty: Adam may or may not have cheated on his girlfriend Allie, Nevan moves in with Olivia, and everyone talks about how Adam may or may not have cheated on Allie.

And then Allie scares the crap out of me with her eyes.

Are you guys ready for some excitement?! If so, then you should probably be watching something else. Because as we all know, The City? Not so interesting. Whitney voice-overs about what happened last week. Sometimes when Whitney talks, she sounds like she has allergies and is in desperate need of a Claritin. We start the show off immediately with Adam and Allie walking down the street. Which is kind of weird, isn’t it? I guess they’re meeting Whit and Jay for dinner. Jay explains that Adam and Allie met at Gramercy or something and hit it off. And now Jay, Adam and Allie live together. And, Allie is another model. Allie looks mean. I’m sure she’s nice, but she’s one of those girls who just looks really mean. Jaime Pressly knows what I’m talking about. Allie asks Whit to keep on eye on Adam while she’s gone on model-y stuff. You know what this show needs? Cancellation.

The human Coraline.

“Boys Night Out.” That’s what this ep is about. But right now, it’s girls day out as Olivia and Nevan walk down the street, while Olivia blahs about some auction at Christie’s. I guess Nevan needs a job, a “9 to 5″ thing. I mean, yeah, he’s got some nightclub thing, but that’s just not enough. He gets a text at 1:15pm, and someone asks him for a drink after he’s done. “Who drinks at 2 in the afternoon?” Well, Nevan, it’s 3:55pm and I’m drinking heavily already, because I have to recap this shit. I guess last year he had his rent taken care of and stuff, but this year is different, and Olivia says she’ll get all that back if he gets a job. I’m assuming that means that Nevan’s dad will give him money if he gets a job. And why couldn’t he get a job? I’m sure he has so many useful skills on his resume:

Nevan Donahue

Skills: My dad is an art dealer. But I’m not interested in that. But my dad is totally an art dealer.

Typing: 7 WPM

Other Interests: Travel, reading, prescription drugs, theatre, leaving hotels without paying, cheetah prints, golf, soliciting oral sex from undercover cops, real estate.

You don’t need a job. Just trade oxy for food. It’s called the free market.

Nevan then suggests that he should crash on Olivia’s couch, but she’s hesitant to let him since he trashed her place over a “long weekend.” I’m assuming Olivia opened the door to find bi-sexual porn on the television, Nevan passed out in his own sick, and a hooker face down in a pile of blow. Good times.

Erin and Whit walk through Central Park. It’s fall and really pretty. They blah about how Adam gets wild when Allie’s out of town. Whit says that it’s hard because she’s BFFs with Allie. Yeah, totally, because we’re 5 episodes into this suckfest of a show and this is the first time we’ve seen her. Makes sense.

It’s night now, and Adam, Jay, and the Pretty Boy Posse are headed to Cain, a nightclub in Chelsea. They blah the typical straight guy crap about how they’re going to get so much poon-tang tonight, and Jay’s all, ” . . . girls are always trying to take control of our nuts. Some nights you gotta just take the nuts back in your hand and go ‘okay, it’s my turn.’” It’s Jay’s turn to play with his nuts, ladies. Give him some room. And some lube. The guys do shots while go-go girls dance in costumes deemed too slutty by Madonna for her Girlie Show tour. And y’all, that was one slutty tour. Samantha, Whit’s friend, is also at the club with Catarina, her friend. What a coincidence. The two of them go over to Jay and Adam where Cat flirts shamelessly with Adam while they talk about maybe going somewhere else. Like Adam’s bed, perhaps?

You take mine and I’ll take yours.

The next morning, Whit and Erin meet Sam at a diner, and Erin voice-overs, “God bless greasy diner food!” I heart Erin. They discuss boys’ night out, and Sam says that a bunch of girls went over to Jay and Adam’s place and raged until 8am. The last time I did that I staggered out of my friend Jess’s apartment at sunrise and took the bus in the completely wrong direction. For 45 minutes before I realized what I’d done. Sam says that Cat has a boyfriend, and then one nanosecond later, Sam gets a text from a friend that says that Cat made out with Adam. Erin and Whit are surprised, unlike every person watching this show. All three of us.

In the park, Whit meets Jay, who says he’s hungover (and LOOKS hungover). Whit tells him about what Adam did, and Jay’s all, “I just don’t see him doing that.” Uh, wha? Cuz dude, in the club you were all, oh shit, something’s gonna happen, Adam’s totally going to hook up, shrimp on the barbie, Foster’s, a dingo ate my baby.

Over at Bacaro, Jay meets Adam for a drink or dinner or something. He tells Adam what Whitney told him what Sam told her what Jenna told her about Cat. Adam says he didn’t, but he so obviously did. Jay tells Adam to tell Allie all about what happened (at least Adam’s version) so that she hears straight from the horse’s mouth.

You should have left your nuts in my hands.

Jay picks Allie up from the airport and in the car ride home, Adam tells her that there were a “couple things going on,” and then goes on to say that Jay brought some chicks home (lie) and he was talking to this one girl about nothing (lie) and that some chick told Sam that he kissed her, which is so not true (lie). And then Adam has to pull over to put out the fire in his pants. Allie seems skeptical at first, but then she acts like she wants to kick the girl’s ass (Jenna, I’m guessing), and then she seems skeptical again. It’s pretty effing infuriating to know that the camera crew was probably at Jay/Adam’s place the entire time the after-party was going on, and yet they refuse to give us any evidence of what transpired. But I think deep down Allie knows that Adam probably made out with Cat, just like the two of us watching this show already know (the third person turned off MTV and is now watching reruns of Full House on TVLand).

I wouldn’t mess with this girl. That look hurts me and I’m not even there.

Over at Olivia’s apartment, she reluctantly lets Nevan in and lays down the rules about no people coming over unless she approves, and taking shoes off. She then makes a comment about how Nevan’s shoes looks like he was “in a retirement home.” WTF? Nevan says they’re “super comf.” Hee. Olivia tells him to find a job. Because Olivia is super qualified to give work advice, seeing that she works for 15 minutes a week at her fake position at her fake job.

Weepy alternative music plays as Whit, Erin, and Sam wait for Allie at Cafeteria. They gossip about Allie and Adam until she arrives. Obviously, the conversation quickly turns back to Adam’s “alleged” infidelity, and that it happened at 8 in the morning, and a bunch of girls were at their place, since Adam left out those details last night. Whit says that Allie’s her friend and feels like she needs to know these things especially if she’s invested in the relationship, and that the three girls are there for Allie if they need her. Allie is not really convinced. And with that, lunch is over, and Allie calls Adam to meet her at Cafeteria while the other girls leave. And of course, it’s raining. I bet the producers made them wait until a rainy day to have a fight. Allie brings up the 8am thing and how every time she’s out of town he has to have this wild drunk party with girls he doesn’t know. Adam says that he doesn’t like to see her cry, and she’s right to be mad with him. He says he loves her, and that’s the end of this episode. Allie is holding her phone up to her ear almost this entire time, probably so that DiVello can give her her blocking over the phone. How can a show that has so much drama potential be so boring?

I’m sorry if I’m being over dramatic but I’ve been waiting four hours for it to rain.

Next week: Well, I’m not really sure, because Whitney is all, “This SEASON on The City,” and I’m thinking the trailer is 10 times more interesting than the actual episodes.