This week on The Shitty: In what is the most boring episode of this show I’ve ever seen, which for this show, is saying A LOT — Whit meets the WASPiest guy of the entire WASP history; and Olivia and Erin go to a party and Erin yells at Olivia for possibly no reason. That’s it. Seriously.
What’re you doin’?
Nothin. What are you doin’?
Glad we talked.
Usually I’d go right into the recap, but . . . Okay, so maybe it was the Tylenol PM I foolishly took before bed, but I totally had a dream about Olivia last night. We went out to lunch in a shopping mall, and then afterward she said she needed to get cash to pay for some cheerleading stuff (I know — but it’s a dream, so it’s bound to be effed up). For some reason, the ATMs wouldn’t take her card, so I was like, “How much cash do you need?” And she was like, “$9.” So I opened my wallet (and I don’t carry a wallet in real life, so that was weird) and was all, “Oh! I have exactly $9 in ones!” So I gave them to her. She was really thankful and nice about it, all, “I’ll pay you back, thanks so much, hypno! I had such a good time!” And I remember in my dream I was thinking, “Gosh, she was really, really nice and down-to-earth. Man, now I’m going to have to tell everyone that I was wrong about her. That sucks.”
And then I ended up in a business conference room. On the table was one of those conference phone speaker things, and sitting at the table with me were some dude I went to undergrad with and Cameron Diaz (there is always at least 1 random celebrity in my dreams. I don’t know why). The guy was like, “You guys need to call this number to get connected,” and Cameron and I looked at each other like, “What?!” And that’s all I remember. Weird, huh? Also, Olivia? Down-to-earth? Yeah, that HAD to have been a dream. But enough – let’s get on with it, shall we?
In more random news, Stephano DiMera is dying in the hospital for the nine hundred and sixty third time.
Interesting. The editors spend 30 seconds recapping Olivia’s story arc and 11 seconds recapping Whitney’s. Anyone else think this is the last season for The City? Or at least The City with Whitney? Whit and Sam are going shoe shopping, and Sam says that there’s some party tonight for . . . lifeguards. That were photographed by some dude. Seriously? Whatever. Whit’s like, “Should I invite Roxy?” And Sam’s laughs and says, ” . . . No.” Oh, Whitney. Always so nice. Always trying to include your friends. Or, in this case, a person who claims to be your friend but would totally shove you in front of the “A” train for a promotion/anything with a penis.
They do a kind of cute thing where they take shoes and compare them to guys, like, “This shoe is for a lower east side” date with a guy. Then Whitney gives Sam a penny to throw in the fountain, to wish for hot guys. But Sam totally misses the fountain. Even though it’s directly in front of her.
And….ugly poor husband.
It’s a sunny day in Manhattan, and over at Elle magazine headquarters, Erin brings in a paper for Joe to see — a page six entry about some party. Really, it’s not that important who’s hosting it or what it’s about — actually, now that I think about it, that’s what you should always tell yourself when you get invited to a party. Just ask this question: “Is it an open bar?” If the answer is “Yes,” then you’re totally going. Okay? Okay. Joe says Olivia should come, because it would be important for her to be there. Plus, since the party was created by MTV solely for the purpose of this show, then she should probably go.
Joe gets on the horn and is all, “Hey Olivia could yew come to my office for a minute? Thank yeeewww.” Apparently his phone voice is an octave higher. Oh, I guess some big-wig lady from Elle is throwing the party at her apartment. Joe’s like, Erin, this’ll give you a chance to see Olivia outside of work. Erin’s face is like, Um, why the hell would I want to do that? Olivia fakes the eff out and is like, “Both of you, thank you for including me.” Sincerity? Not her strong point. But since DiVello shoved the script under her door this morning, and she knew what was already going to happen this week, it’s probably hard to come across as convincing. You know what? I’m done with this scene. Next.
Can we make her the pinata? We can all beat her and beat her and stay thin cuz when she breaks nothing will come out.
At Bergdorf Goodman, it’s time for the lifeguard party. Whit tells Sam that Adam and Allie (from last year) are having a bbq at their place and invites Sam to go with her. Adam is Jay’s roommate (Whit dated Jay last year), but Jay is out of town. And, that’s it for that scene. You know what? That doesn’t even warrant a new paragraph, so we’ll just keep going. Roxy’s out on a date with Zac, who makes the mistake of changing the subject to Roxy’s favorite thing to talk about: Roxy. While she wears a shirt that totally shows her bra in the back . . . Look, I’m not in fashion, I don’t even care about fashion, but I know a mistake when I see one, and wearing a regular full-on bra with a shirt that will show exactly one full side of your back is a big mistake. Big. Huge.
Anyway, Roxy blahs about work and how “no one likes Kelly” which is a big fat lie. Unless she’s completely different on the show, I know that I for one wouldn’t dislike her, and I don’t think Whitney does either. She may be a bitch sometimes, but she seems like the kind of boss who’d give you a fair shake, if you, you know, do your job. She goes on to say that Kelly walks all over everybody but she doesn’t let her. Uh, no. She talks some more about how Whit’s out with Sam at some party but she wasn’t invited and doesn’t know why. She might as well just come right out and say, “So, I settled for a date with you. You know, after DiVello called me and told me to.”
Back at the lifeguard party, Whit spies two guys who she thinks are hot. They’re not. Like, at all. They look like those guys at house parties who always do kegstands and end up giving crabs to your best friend. Turns out Sam knows the brother of one of them ( and that brother’s name? Freddy Fackelmayer. I shit you not. “from the Hamptons.” Of course.) and invites him and Freddy to come to the bbq with her and Whitney. So, not the other guy? That’s awkward.
The one time someone wishes they were a Fackelmayer.
At People’s Revolution, while most likely updating their Facebook statuses, Whit tells Roxy all about what happened last night. Roxy’s like, “Put yourself out there! You need to meet cute boys!” But you can totally see the seething jealousy underneath. She’s barely hiding it. Kelly needs someone to stay tonight and help, and Roxy volunteers to stay, letting Kelly know about the bbq. When Kelly finds out that it’s at Jay’s house, she’s like, “Well make sure the new boy pees in the bathroom to mark his territory.” Well . . . you tried to be funny, Kelly. That’s all that matters.
Wow, this episode is so completely boring. It’s time for the Elle party, where the only brown things in the entire room are people’s noses. Olivia schmoozes and introduces herself to people that she should be introducing herself to, and Erin glares at her. Now, I’m not one to usually stick up for Olivia, but she’s not doing anything wrong or particularly annoying. Oh my god! I had to stick up for Olivia! My dream came true! Sort of. Erin is still pissed at Olivia — mostly because, I think, she just doesn’t think she should be there. So Erin leaves. Drama . . . less . . . ness.
At the bbq, Adam hugs and kisses Allie a heckuva lot to prove to America that they’re still together and he’s not an asshole. The Fackelmayers show up, and they just ooze copious amounts of pretentiousness from the trust funds and yachts and nannies and houses in the Hamptons that they grew up with. Whit and Sam think that Freddy’s the hot Fackelmayer. And he is, in a very American Psycho kind of way — so if you like serial killers, Whit, then go for it. To prove my point, he asks Whit flat-out, “What do you want to do later?” and stares at her really, really intensely, as if to say, “If you want, I can chase you naked down a stairwell with a butcher knife. You know, after the bbq.”
Back at People’s Revolution, Whit tells Roxy about Freddy Fackelmayer who, “is from Greenwich, Connecticut, he’s really tan, he likes to play tennis, he surfs on the weekends.” Wow, has there ever been a more accurate description of WASP? No. No there has not. They both think he’s picture perfect. I think he’s the type of guy who’s going to get married and cheat on his pregnant wife, but whatev. Whit says she thinks Harry (the younger bro, I guess) is cuter, which is weird because I thought she said that Freddy was cuter. I could be wrong, but this episode is so not interesting that I really don’t feel like rewinding. Whit also says she thinks Sam has a thing for Freddy. Roxy says she should go out with him, because Sam hasn’t said anything about wanting to date Freddy. And we all know how awesome Roxy’s advice is.
Sleep with him, don’t wear a condom, and then cry a lot for no reason. That’s totally love.
Back at Elle, Erin asks Olivia about the party, and about designers for a project(?). This is where I get a little confused, because they hadn’t talked about Olivia working on a project, and I was just under the impression that the party was just a party. Olivia looks really tired. Then Erin talks about how the parties are fun, but they’re not just about “air-kissing and a glass of champagne,” and then she sort of goes off out of the blue about how she’s been there for four years and can help Olivia out, so she doesn’t need this attitude from Olivia.
Olivia doesn’t say anything and just walks out of her cubicle, I’m guessing to go talk to Joe. Now, again, I don’t like Olivia. I think she should just stick to being a socialite because that’s actually the only thing she’s good at. And she had major attitude in the first couple episodes. But this thing from Erin just came out of freaking nowhere, right? I mean, what the hell, man? I’m all about the drama, but it has to happen organically (so I should probably be watching a different reality show, right?). Erin was acting like a producer came up to her a minute before today’s filming started and was all:
PRODUCER: Um, Erin? Can I talk to you?
ERIN: I kind of have some work to do –
PRODUCER: Great, thanks. Um, this week is ending up really, really boring.
ERIN: Wow. More than usual?
PRODUCER: Yeah. I know, pretty mind-blowing, eh? We had this thing with Whitney meeting a new guy, but that turned out as interesting as Wonder bread . . . you know how Whitney is . . . So, we need you to step it up.
PRODUCER: Don’t be difficult, E-Dawg. Just start a fight with Olivia.
ERIN: But she didn’t really do anything, and there’s nothing to fight ab –
PRODUCER: Just make it about her attitude or something, god! We’re not paying you $12,000 an episode just to sit around and be productive, for chrissakes! Now get out there and put that bitch in her place!
ERIN: But –
PRODUCER (as she shoves Erin out into the hallway): THANKS!
Whip that half frown out and work some magic, k?
Whit’s on her date with Waspy Fackelwasp, who tells her that his job deals with commercial real estate in New York. Of course it does. But perhaps he realizes himself that this is the most pretentiously predictable thing someone who looks like him can say, so he changes the subject quickly and asks where Whit went to school. She went to USC. Um, is it just me or is Waspy Fackelwasp already kind of drunk? Or maybe coked out a little bit? Coke does seem like the drug of choice for his kind. I could be nice and give him the benefit of the doubt and just say that maybe he’s a bit intense. But that’s boring, so I’m gonna stick with coked out. Ew, he’s creeping me out!
Whit asks if he’s sure there’s not something between him and Sam, and he’s like, “I’m here with you, aren’t I?” Which is sort of movie-romantic. Until he invites you home and stabs you while listening to Huey Lewis and the News. They get out of the bar and walk away as that stupid Black Eyed Peas song about a “good good night” and “l’chaim” plays in the background. I’m just gonna say it: Every song by the Black Eyed Peas is ridiculously non-sensical and sucks. Like a lot. Like, more than this episode, which is thankfully over.
Holy white teeth, Bateman!
Next week: Plots collide as People’s Revolution and Elle collaborate on a project (or something); Waspy Fackelwasp brings his dad on a date with Whitney (um, EW); and Jay comes back to contractually obligate a meeting/fight with Whitney. And I pray to God that it’s more interesting than this week.