The City: I Kinda Like You Sorta Maybe For Sure Not Really A Lot

The City this week: Whitney goes out to lunch with some non-gay dude from DVF, which causes Jay to reach a milestone or benchmark or whatever in their relationship; Erin says bye to Duncan; and Olivia pouts.

Straight guys? Boring.

We open at DVF, where Olivia gives Whitney the skinny on who’s coming to some fashion-y thing: Socials, celebs, socials, designers, and who else? Oh yeah, socials. Seriously – girl says “socials” like 13 times. If this were a drinking game, we’d all be passed out by now. Which, actually, might be a good thing. What are “socials?” Whitney asks. It’s short for “socialite,” Olivia explains. Didn’t we already cover this in episode 1? And 2 and 3?

DVF herself asks to see Whitney. Olivia pouts. Drink whenever Olivia pouts! I guess DVF is picking out which outfits to show or something? Honestly, I think the producers made her do a little cameo, because her heart’s just not in it. There is a funny part where Whitney says, “You look pretty,” and DVF, in true diva/fashionista style, slurs in her accent, “No, I don’t” while smiling. Olivia pouts. And lies about being happy for Whitney. Pussycat Dolls! People posing like asshats! Why is Adam in the opening credits? We’ve seen him for a total of, like, 2 minutes.

Call me ven iz time for Project Ruway.

During the online commercial, I’m going to pause to say that, yes, the rumors are true. You can easily google to find out, but Nevan did proposition an undercover police officer in Florida (a female. Yeah, I thought so, too.), offering OxyContin in exchange for a b.j. So, with his plea bargain, he was ordered to perform 75 hours of community service, which he didn’t do, so now there’s a warrant for his arrest. Also, he’s a douche.

“Good Things Come in Threes.” That’s what The City is going to prove to us this week. Whitney and Erin are at a cafe, rehashing what Whitney and Jay talked about over dinner last week. Erin’s all, be selfish, and do what you want. Seriously! You just moved to The City, Whit! Be crazy for a couple months, then maybe settle down with the Bossy Aussie.

Back at DVF, they’re talking about the Wonder Woman event they’re hosting. Ah, so that’s what it is. Is there something going on with Wonder Woman that I don’t know about? I know that Keri Russell is voicing her in a new animated DVD movie, only because I’m slightly obsessed with Keri Russell. Oh! What if she’s in this episode? I would die, I would just die. Whitney’s in charge of doing the window dressing, which is kind of exciting. I mean, it’s not Macy’s or Marshall Field’s (R.I.P.) but it’ll do.

And….pout.

Alixe talks a bit about what Whitney’s responsibilities are for the event. Okay, you know what’s weird about Whitney? Sometimes she acts like she kind of doesn’t know what to do. I mean, she’s always just, “Okay. Okay,” and I’m thinking, “Really? You don’t need to like, elaborate, or ask questions, Whitney? You get what’s going on? All right, whatev.” And then, she not only does exactly what she’s asked, but she totally exceeds expectations! Maybe it’s editing, I don’t know, but it’s very interesting and slightly endearing. What is Olivia in charge of? Helping Whitney. Hee.

At Erin’s apartment, Erin thanks Duncan for making the bed, while he’s on the computer, “shooting emails back and forth” cuz “there’s a lot to do.” *Cough* Facebook *Cough* Oh, Erin, sweetie, that necklace would look tacky on a circus clown. Off! Erin really doesn’t want Duncan to stay, and is all, it’s been two weeks, and I’m really going to dig this long distance thing. Because she “loves” you, Duncan, or at least she said so last week. Poor Duncan. He looks a little sad. And a little bisexual. What?! I’m sorry, he does! He would totally make out with another dude. I’m just saying.

And he would be polite enough to offer him cash instead of oxy, because he’s classy.

It’s the night of the Wonder Woman event. Um, we don’t get to see Whitney working on the windows? Well, that’s curious. And interesting. Don’t you think? Why did we see her doing more work on The Hills than her own show? Whatever. People arrive at the event, and OHMIGOD did I just see Debra Messing?! You guys, I paused it, and it’s totally her! I love her. So. Much. She is my straight woman crush. Well, her and Gwyneth Paltrow. And Beyonce. I don’t so much want to do them as much as I just kind of want to go shopping with them, and then get a milkshake after. Also, did Olivia actually wave to Debra Messing? Honey, no. You sooo don’t know her.

Hey, Samantha from the Manolo shoe thing showed up. Anyone who loathes Olivia is a friend of mine. There’s a nice moment where Whitney’s all, “Did you see Olivia?” And Samantha’s all, “Yeah,” and they both make these faces and have nothing else to say about it because it’s Olivia. I’ve seen tofu that’s more interesting than Ms. Palermo.

See?

Sam asks about Jay, and we’re treated (again!) to the story about the dinner. Uh, yeah. We know, Whitney. Anysnooch, this girl comes up and says that Becky, like, totally spilled something on her, like, dress, and like totally needs a new one, so she’s going to take care of that. Well, better a spill than leaving the dress on a hot curling iron. *Cough* Lauren Conrad *Cough* This dude Chris comes up to Sam and Whitney, and he works at DVF in finance. According to Whitney and Chris, he’s one of the few men working for DVF. And, he’s straight. Wha?! I don’t know, you guys. I think Whitney is in desperate need of a gay best friend, one who tells it like it is, gives it to her straight (hee). Maybe she should talk to Debra Messing about that.

Meanwhile, Olivia pretends to care about people as they arrive, mentally telling herself, while she hugs them, to burn her clothes when she gets home. And she actually says, “Toodles.” I hope she regrets that. Oh. Shit. You guys. Nevan comes up to Whitney and Sam and actually says, “I was in Florida for 5 days. [Eye roll]. Excellent!” And then Whitney and Sam laugh. Also, the producers totally set that part up. Totally. Someone’s phone rings and someone, maybe Olivia, says, “It’s my cleaning lady.” What was the point of that? Chris comes up and asks Whitney out for lunch. Everyone’s like, that took balls. Oh, I don’t know . . . I mean, if he asked her to dinner, maybe, but lunch is kind of the safety zone of meals. It’s kind of date, but not really, because everyone always says, “It was just lunch. It didn’t mean anything. It’s not like it was dinner.”

I’ve got an advil. Anyone horny?

Taxis! People! Empire State Building! DVF. Whitney’s phone rings, and Olivia, for some reason, answers it. And of course, it’s Jay. I call producer shenanigans on this one. However, Olivia’s all, “All I know is she’s out to lunch,” when Jay asks when she’ll be back. And she doesn’t even sound bitchy. Ten bucks says later she complains to her little OxyCon cousin about it later on, all, “Whitney’s making me do her dirty work for her!” Or something.

At The Diner (in The City), Chris and Whitney are out to lunch. Chris lives around Wall Street, and you know what I like about Chris? He doesn’t look like a model or a rock star. He looks like a regular, nice, not-bad-looking guy from Ohio or something. Whit asks about friends and stuff and then they get the check.

Maybe next time we can get a bagel before work so we don’t make this too entertaining for anyone. Lunch is just so dirty.

Back at DVF, Elizabeth (the other co-worker in the same office) asks Olivia where she eats where she lives. Olivia says she orders (shocker) Japanese from Nobu and some other place, and that’s pretty much it. I like Elizabeth because I feel like every time she asks Olivia something, and hears her reply, she can’t wait to get on her cell phone and call her friends and be like, “Listen. To what. Olivia said. Today.” And then she and her friend have a hearty laugh. Whitney and Chris walk in and hug goodbye. Whitney says that Chris is a nice guy, but she wasn’t feeling the spark. Why, because he’s not some dirty/pretty Australian rocker who tells you that he probably won’t want anything serious and therefore won’t cause much drama on the show? Yup. Pretty much, I think.

People! Sidewalks! Taxis! Erin and Duncan walking outside. Erin tells Duncan that if he’s moving to NYC she wants it to be because he wants to, not because of her. Ugh, no one wants to hear that crap. That’s just something you can throw back in someone’s face if you break up, all, “I told you not to move here for me, remember?!” Not cool. Duncan gets in a taxi and heads home. Also, when I paused, I saw a Sex and the City Movie poster ad on a bus stop. What’s up with that? Did they have those out when the DVD was released? But then again, at my bus stop they’ve had an ad telling everyone to recycle their Christmas trees for over a year now. Erin seems sort of sad to see Duncan go. Sort of.

Jay and Whitney meet for dinner. I hate Whitney’s jacket. It takes her all of 4 seconds to say that she had lunch with Chris. And then she’s all, “It’s good to have friends at the office, right?” Dude, she is totally trying to make Jay jealous, and it’s so working. Aw, it’s cute when Whitney’s manipulative! She gives a really cute smile when she’s all, no I’m not trying to make you jealous. But again, Jay totally is. Also, given that Whitney works at DVF, why weren’t the first words out of Jay’s mouth, “Is he gay?” Offensive, perhaps a tad, but again – what’s up with the lack of diversity on these shows? Huh? What’s up with that, DiVello? Jay’s all, “You can do whatever you want. It’s your life.” Jay kind of sucks.

Just do in in less of a clown jacket.

People! Sidewalks! Taxis! We get it, DiVello. NYC has people and taxis and crap. Over at Whitney’s apartment, Erin wears an ugly yellow hat. But I give her props for her non-conformance. Also, Whitney is totally unpacked. Learn from her, Audrina Patridge. She has much to teach you. When Erin asks about Jay, Whitney says that she wants to go out and date and play the field (Erin says that’s a good idea) but when she went out with Chris she didn’t have chemistry and realized she did with Jay. But it sucks that Jay hasn’t realized that, and if he has, why hasn’t he said that? They both agree that Jay needs to “man up.” And then Whitney cutely flops down on her bed.

Meanwhile, over at a place called Il Bastardo – no, not Nevan’s apartment, it’s a restaurant/bar, silly – Adam works the bar while Jay sits and whines about Whitney. Okay, so I think Jay came in before the bar actually opened (or, right when it opened) and Adam gave him some free shots, and . . . well, I think Jay is kind of drunk. I speak from experience people – my roommate is a bartender, and I get set up with all kinds of perks. Most of the time. Also, Adam? A model/bartender? Way to think outside the box, dude. Anyway, basically, Jay (from what I can comprehend) says that he wants Whitney all to himself because “she’s a keeper.”

Adam, true to his personality is all, watch out man, cuz some woman are shady and shit. Oh, Adam, you have issues, stemming from (I believe) when you told your high school sweetheart back in Nebraska that you loved her and then she broke up with you a week later and then later on you found out that she had been cheating on you with the running back and then you vowed to turn your heart into stone (stone!) because then you wouldn’t feel anything and feeling nothing is better than feeling heartbroken. Effing get over it, dude.

Let’s just not talk football.

Back at Whitney’s apartment, Jay comes in with some wine, and I guess they’re going out to dinner because she has to fix her makeup and put on some shoes. He pours them some wine and they clink glasses. Is that what real crystal sounds like? Huh. Jay has something he wants to talk about. He says they’ve been hanging out for 3 months (wha? 4 episodes in three months? Me confused.) and blah blah Aussie blah next level blah Jay asks Whitney to be his girlfriend. They’ve each had three serious relationships before, we find out, and Jay goes, “Good things come in threes.” Uh, what? That doesn’t make sense in relation to the conversation, since this will be the fourth relationship for both of them. I should be happy for them, but mostly I’m just rolling my eyes at the cutesy crap that’s coming out of their mouths. If this is what I sound like when I’m in a happy relationship with someone then I pray to God that there are never cameras around to capture it. And we’re out! Thanks and goodbye, Chris – you furthered the plot and we’ll never see you again.

Next Week: It’s apparently All About Adam, because he goes out and kisses some girl who’s not his girlfriend (Allie), and Olivia says Jay and Adam and Allie all live together, and Adam and Jay talk in a bar, and Allie and Adam argue. Adam!

And Whitney suffers from severe head trauma.