This week on The Shitty: Everyone heads to Miami for some fashion week thingamajig. Olivia doesn’t really do her job, but Erin sort of gets blamed for it. Roxy and some random guy leave Whit at some club, and they fight about it at work the next day, which makes Kelly not-so happy. Which makes the last 3 minutes of this show totally awesome. Maybe even worth seeing the rest of the episode! Except not really.
We’re at People’s Revolution, where Kelly says, “Why are you all so happy?” Then she asks if people have been reading the paper, and I know that every single person in that room is thinking, “Does In Touch count as a newspaper?” Kelly says the headline is something about the economy and about how people are just buying basics, and that’s the “kiss of death” for fashion.
No, I’m pretty sure this was. And pretty much everything else Lady Gaga wears.
Roxy mouths to Whit for a pen, and this is a BIG no-no for Kelly. She goes off on Roxy and pretty much everyone, like, This is a recession! People are getting laid off! But People’s Revolution is growing! So you need to step it up! Which means bringing a pen to meetings! “You guys deliver the press, you service the clients, you keep your jobs. You don’t do that, we say ‘buh-bye.’” Some chick says that they’re going to Miami for a swim wear show and names some girls that they’ll be bringing. Kelly says that they should bring Whitney because she’s creating her own line and should see swimsuits, and because this week’s script says she has to go. The other chick is way thrilled about this, except not at all. And Kelly says that Whit’s “partner in crime” (Roxy) should go too. The other chick is even less thrilled about this. And then Kelly says that if the girls think that they can eat out in fancy restaurants on the company’s bill, then they can forget about it – they need to eat like they do in NYC (so, vodka and Puffs Plus?) and keep the receipts.
“As for me, I’ll stick to eating souls as usual. Maybe some first-borns on the side.”
After the credits and 20 minutes of MTV online commercials, we’re treated a montage of houses of fashion with some song about fashion playing in the background. Um, fashion, yeah, we get it. Olivia heads to work, so it must be 11am. Zee tells her she’s going to Miami to be Elle’s sole accessories person, and Erin will be there planning some party too, and Zee says that the whole blog thing that happened last week was a learning experience and asks if he can count on Olivia. She says he can count on her. To suck! I added that last part.
Down in Miami, people play on the beach with their dogs and junk. Whit and Roxy arrive at their hotel, the W Hotel. What the hell? So, there’s a recession and People’s Revolution is making their employees eat at Burger King, but they can spring for a suite at the W Hotel? I wonder if MTV bought this for Roxy and Whit and the rest of the People’s Revolution staff are in one room at the Super 8 out by the airport. Roxy wants to lay out by the pool! Roxy wants to order room service! But sensible Whit says they have to get ready for an event and that they should get something to eat so they don’t have to put it on the room charge. But Whiiiiiiitttt, Roxy waaaannnnnnttts!
“Whiiiitttt! Fine. I’ll just call Daddy and he’ll wire me some sweet Thirtysomething residual money.”
Back in New York, at La Guardia, the people involved with this show thought it would be important not only to show us Erin and Olivia at the airport, but also flying to Miami together. In first class, of course. Well, maybe business class. I don’t know. But that means we get to see a lot of this:
They are literally sitting as far apart from each other as they possibly can.
Olivia says that Whit will be in Miami, Erin asks if they’ll hang out, and Olivia says that they might catch up, but she doesn’t know what Whit’s schedule is like. Yeah, something tells me even if Whit’s schedule is wide open, she’s not gonna have time to “catch up” with Olivia.
Over at the Mara Hoffman casting hour (Mara Hoffman’s the swimsuit designer), models audition for the runway. Which means we get to see a lot of this:
Girls’ asses — You know, because this show’s demographic is 18-35 year-old women and gay men. Makes sense to me!
Kelly and Mara judge 17 year-old girls on their bodies and faces right in front of their, well, bodies and faces. Ah, many, many eating disorders will begin today, thanks to these ladies. Isn’t it sweet? Roxy and Whit are there. Roxy wanna party! Roxy wanna party! Whit’s like, I sort of want to, you know, do my job and THEN maybe we can go out.
“Jobs? Those are for people whose parents weren’t in a hit 80s dramedy, bitch.”
At The Florida Room in South Beach, Whit’s friend Nick sit-dances on his chair like a total tool, and then he meets Roxy and Whit. They do shots and then Nick asks where Roxy went to college. She says Harvard, and he’s like, Me too. Now, I tried to google Roxy to find out if this is true/has been confirmed. But I haven’t found out if it is or not. I suppose it’s possible, but I choose not to believe it until I have to. Unless Harvard offers a double B.A. in Being a Horrible Friend, and Shirking Responsibility to Get Drunk and Go Out to Clubs Every Night. I think you can get money for that program — it’s called The Hilton Grant. Nick then says that Whit was always the one who didn’t want to go out because she had to study. Whit’s like, Nuh-uh! And Roxy’s like Uh-huh, that’s totally true! The three of them go out to dance, and Whit says she’ll be right back and leaves to go to the bathroom or get another drink or check in with the producers on what her next scene will be. And THEN, Roxy’s like, Hey Nick let’s go somewhere else! Roxy wanna go! Roxy wanna bang-bang! Bang-bang!! So they leave. They’re such good friends. Whit comes back out and does that horrible thing you do when you look for your friends at a party and then realize they’re not there and they left you and then you have to walk out the door with as much dignity and nonchalance as you can muster. Not that I know how that feels. Or how much it sucks. Or anything.
Ohmigod it’s time for the Mara Hoffman runway show! I haven’t been this excited for something since my last prostate exam. Kelly asks where Roxy is, and Whit doesn’t know. This is not good, Kelly says. Olivia’s in the audience, and Adam DiVello shoves Whitney over there to talk to her. Whitney takes Olivia behind the stage to introduce her to Mara (Olivia already knows her, allegedly — I swear, this girl could be introduced to Jesus and say, “It’s nice to see you again, we met at Ariana Huffington’s party.”) and show her some swim-wear accessories. Swim-wear accessories? Like, what? Floaties? Nose plugs? Whatever. Olivia asks Mara what her inspiration was, and she says it was “Vision quest.” Oh my god, the 80s movie where Matthew Modine is a high school wrestler who falls in love with a fine-ass cougar and Madonna sang that song “Crazy For You” for the soundtrack?! Oh. I see, it’s — Oh. Okay. No, she meant the Native American rite of passage where you go out to the desert and starve yourself. Hence, swim-wear.
Olivia goes back out to sit next to Erin, who can barely contain her disdain for her co-worker. Back stage, things are chaotic, and Roxy finally shows up. Whit and Roxy argue loudly about what happened last night — Roxy says she couldn’t find Whitney and so they just left (bullshit), and I guess Roxy lost her cell phone previously, and they just go back and forth, and Kelly hears it and now I’m getting nervous because Kelly’s going to yell at them! Well, she does, but she doesn’t say anything that I wouldn’t say if I were the boss and two of my employees were being unprofessional and not doing their jobs, like Whit and Roxy (mostly Roxy, but still). Kelly says that there’s a lot of bleeping work to be done and if they have a bleeping personal problem they should bleeping take it outside because this isn’t bleeping group therapy, and she doesn’t want to bleeping see this bleep any more. Poor Whitney looks really defeated by all this. I hope she yells at Roxy later. But of course, she won’t. Whitney’s more passive than a 1950s Mennonite housewife.
And now, the fashion show.
Wow. A bikini and a headband. Revolutionary. The world of swim wear will never be the same.
Basically, it’s like any fashion show you’ve seen on TV, with people in headsets giving instructions to each other. Kelly tells Whit that someday she’ll be the designer walking on the runway at the end. Yeah. In front of Sears . . . by the closeout bin.
It’s time for the Elle after party at the W Hotel. Oh, for the love of . . . they’re actually making models sit on pedestals in the middle of the pool and do modeling poses, like it’s some ANTM challenge or something.
Smeyes, dammit! SMEYES!!!!
Erin’s sitting with Judi Sanders, the Executive Fashion Director of Elle, who could NOT look more bored.
“I remember the days when MTV played videos instead of this vapid crap.”
Olivia talks to Red Carter, a designer who looks like Fred Armisen and Elton John made sweet sweet love to each other and had a baby who became a fashion designer who grew up to be Red Carter. Erin says she hopes Olivia is getting some accessory scoop, while Judi ignores her. Oh, Judi feigns interest long enough to ask Erin about Olivia. Erin says she didn’t see her taking notes at the show or anything, but she could possibly pull something out — she just hopes Olivia went to the trade shows. She then goes up to ask Olivia, who says she thinks she has everything she needs for the report. Did she go to the trade shows? No, she did not. Erin says she’s “honestly excited to see what Olivia brings back to Zee,” which neither I nor Olivia are buying. Erin tells Judi that Zee is going to FREAK OUT!
Back in New York, Zee has a staff meeting and asks Erin how things in Miami went. She says her main reason was the Lycra party, and says the party was great publicity-wise, and she and Judi went to trade shows and met with publicists and crap and it was great great great! Zee then asks Olivia about fashion and she says futuristic is what’s in now, and some guy with lots of gel in his hair concurs. Zee then asks what Olivia saw at the trade shows, and she says she didn’t go, and Zee is like, “Why didn’t you go to the trade shows?” She says that she didn’t know she had to, and Erin’s like, “I asked you on the plane if you were going to the trade shows” (she did) and Olivia’s like, “I told you I was just doing what was on my list” (she did). Zee asks everyone else to leave so he can talk to Olivia and Erin in private. Oh, dip.
Zee tells Olivia that as an “editor,” she needs to edit, which means going to as much stuff as possible, then breaking it up and summarizing it — editing, if you will — to get a good story. And I agree. You know, for someone who professes to care and know a lot about fashion, I would think Olivia would like to soak up as much as possible, but she’s just not doing it. Olivia says that maybe if Erin had offered to go with her, then she could have learned about something, and Erin says she has her own job to do. Then Zee is like, Erin, I told you from day one that you’re supposed to be showing Olivia the ropes. “You should have told her to go to the trade shows.” Okay, honestly, even if Erin did tell Olivia that, Olivia would be like, “Don’t boss me around!” and probably wouldn’t have gone anyway. Erin says she can only do so much and that she’s tried to reach out to Olivia, and Zee is all, “Don’t be defensive about anything! I don’t want any bickering . . . [or] any personality conflicts . . . I want you guys to work together.” Oh, Erin is PISSED.
Ohmigod, look out, she’s gonna blow!
Olivia’s like, “I would very much like that.” Now, y’all know I’m about as big a fan of Olivia as I am of cantaloupe (Oh, yeah — I hate cantaloupe. It’s the most disgusting food in all of food-dom.), but Zee is kind of right. I think Erin needs to help Olivia out a tad more, because that’s her job. And then, when Olivia fucks up again, Erin can be all, “Look, I helped her out as much as possible, and I showed her how to do this and this,” and then she’ll be avenged. Erin’s just waiting for Olivia to screw up, when it would really be to her advantage to boss Olivia around and THEN let her screw up. Because, chance are, she’s going to screw up and/or be lazy no matter what.
Back at People’s Revolution . . . of fashion conformity . . . Whit and Roxy are “working” and Whit says that Kelly should be in soon, and oddly enough, Kelly comes in. She says that the office was finally painted and the colors look nice, which segues into a little chat about Miami. Kelly says that their fighting backstage was “beyond a huge embarrassment” for her, and says that she doesn’t work with friends for that reason, and they need to evaluate if working with friends is something that will be beneficial or a complete pile of poo for their careers. Roxy says to Whit, “She didn’t say one nice thing.” And holy crap KELLY HEARS HER SAY IT! And here is her (priceless) reaction: “Ooohhh, well, you know what? Call me, like, a controlling bitch for wanting us to be professional and deal with the media instead of having whatever, I don’t even know what you guys were fighting about. If it happens again, you guys can go find another job. I have better things to do.” Whitney and Roxy are, like, totally shitting their pants, and then, THEN, from Kelly’s office, Kelly yells this: “Were you guys in room 605?” Whitney: “Yeeesss.” Kelly: “What is this bill for $200?” She then says she gives each person $50 a day per diem, that’s $100 for both of them. “You owe me a hundred bucks, I’m taking it out of your pay, go to Taco Bell next time.” Ha! Ahahahahaha! Kelly, again: “What planet are you living on?” Roxy’s like, “Someone’s PMSing.” Wow, way to take responsibility and be professional, Roxy.
And now, I leave you with some little screengrabs from the awesome altercation that just happened:
Oh, the interns are LOVING this.
“Ooohhhhh, shit. Shit shit shit. Shit shit.”
“Maybe if I concentrate hard enough on those Post-Its, I won’t poop myself.”
“Dear Jesus, I’m sorry I woke It, please just banish It back to Hell already.”
Next Week: Whit goes on a blind date; Roxy’s man of the week (or day, probably) brings 6 girls with him on a date. Hey, maybe he’s Mormon, Roxy! Erin complains to some mystery man about Olivia, and then complains to Zee about Olivia. And I’LL complain to YOU about this show!