This week on The Shitty: Who’s ready for a heapin’ helpin’ of the same old crap?! You are! Erin and Olivia fight. About work. Specifically, pulling clothes for something. Just like the last episode. And the one before that. And the one before that. And the one before that. And the one before that. Sensing a pattern? Whit has a multi-thousand dollar photo shoot for her “collection.” Don’t worry – MTV paid for everything. Thank god! And Roxy almost effs it all up and then pouts about it, because that’s pretty much the only reliable thing that she can do.
Crap. I forgot that I left my rodeo clown makeup kit in the pockets.
Okay, peeps. So, I don’t want to be Bitter Boy throughout this entire recap, so let me get this out of the way now: Who the hell airs a new episode of a series TWO DAYS before Thanksgiving?! What the crap, man?! Also, there are so many more things I’d rather be doing the NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING than recapping this (I’m just going to be honest) lackluster show. Drinking wine by the gas phony-fire, for instance. Watching the new DVD of the 1st season of Parks and Recreation I just bought, for example. Stripping down to my boxer briefs and rolling in fiberglass, perhaps. (Yes, I wear boxer briefs — wonder no more, people!) But duty calls, and I am here for you, and I will do my best not to complain any more. Will it work? I’m going to say no, and if we all lived in the same town I would take you all out for drinks to make up for the fact that this recap will be hasty and most likely one of my worst. But we don’t and I can’t, so let’s just get started, okay?
Over at People’s Revolution of Fashion Conformity, Whit’s laid out all her clothes from her collection. Kelly’s there, and today’s she’s put on her Supportive Slacks instead of her Pissy Pants and tells Whit that it may be time for a shooting for a “look book.” Kelly then lists off the thousands of things that are needed for a look book, and I’m wondering who the hell has to pay for all the hair, makeup, photographers, models and crap like that. I’m sure MTV will pay for it all. You know, if I were a regular non-MTV-Adam-DiVello-reality-show-ramen-eating-every-night-on-the-verge-of-eviction person trying to start up my own fashion line, stuff like what I’m seeing right now? Would send me into a Hulk-like state of rage that not even Tim Gunn himself could pull me out out of. Whit says Roxy could do the casting, and Kelly says Roxy has never done one before, and that could be a mistake. Oh, I don’t know, Roxy really loves to work hard, and has totally proven herself worthy in the past. And if you think I’m not being sarcastic, you may want to stop reading. Credits.
Mediocrity is totally in this year.
Well, after I restarted the stupid MTV online player because it got into a freaking commercial loop and played the same one 6 times, and after I sat through three more commercials before getting to where I left off, here’s what happens next. Back at People’s Revolution, it’s casting time for Whit’s look book. Roxy’s there, with her blank-stare whenever somebody gives her an order. You know, because she has no idea what to do. Luckily, Kelly’s there too. The first model doesn’t have a book, so Kelly tells her to leave. Yeowza, harsh. Also, Kelly needs her own reality show. I think she’d do much better on some kind of competition show, but I’d take it if it were a regular reality show. And Flipit? If you’re reading this, I get first dibs on that mofo. Roxy’s not really doing anything except walking and saying, “Here’s the next model,” so Kelly looks at all of them and keeps about 3, and tells the rest to go home. So sad. These girls will probably be so devastated that they’ll splurge on a traveler’s pack of Kleenex on the subway ride home. Kelly tells Roxy that the theme is “fairy tale tea party” (um, seriously?) and not some gothic crap, so Roxy needs to step it up and get some good models. Kelly bitches about something else.
“Your recaps suck. Happy Thanksgiving, douche.”
Kelly! That was just mean! I do not work for you and therefore you may not publicly demean me. Meanwhile, over at Elle, Joe and Olivia and some really, really nervous Rachel Dratch-looking girl are looking at racks of clothes. Erin walks in and tells Joe that Joe’s A to Zee thing has 6 minutes on The Today Show (didn’t they already do that? I swear they did). Joe says that Olivia should help Erin out. What’s this?! Erin doesn’t think so! ? Wow, that dismissal came right out of nowhere! That’s right — THIS again. Joe says that he wants Erin and Olivia to work together well. Oh my god, you guys, it’s not the Bitter Thanksgiving Boy talking, but I am so sick of hearing this same conversation every week. Let’s just move on to something more interesting. Monkey scat, perhaps.
Or, back to Whit’s collection. Meh, six and half dozen. Roxy brings in two blonde-haired girls. Kelly and Whit talk about one of them lovingly, like totally in front of the other one. She’s short, but she looks “angelic” or something, so she’s in. Whit and Kelly high-five Roxy on a job well done. Yeah. Way to pick out exactly and specifically what Kelly wanted. Above and beyond? More like there and here, Roxy, so don’t look so smug.
Annnnd, we’re back at Elle. Erin tells Olivia that it’s time for the Today Show segment — Olivia: “Another one, that’s great!” Ah, okay. Thanks, Olivia. This time, Joe’s going to be on the air, Erin says. It’s something like, what girls think guys want to see them in vs. what guys ACTUALLY to see them in. So, a nice cocktail dress vs. naked? Olivia is in charge of “A Night Out” and “Meet the Parents,” and then gives the age and size of the girls. One of them is a size 12, which I don’t think is actually really normal (I’m a dude, so forgive me, ladies), but I will say good for Elle on that one. And then Erin tells Olivia what the outfits are. Olivia is writing this stuff down, and saying that she would have picked that outfit too, and then Erin either thinks Olivia is an idiot, or she’s having a slight stroke.
“I smell burning toast. Anyone else smell burning toast?”
Olivia is like, “Are you stressed? You look a little stressed,” and then Erin yells, “You need to be stressed too, Olivia!” Olivia is all, “I . . . I’ll be fine, it’ll be fine.” Erin says that’s what happened last time, and I think she’s insinuating that last time went badly. Which it did not. Not really. Man, at this point, I’m not really a big fan of defending either of them.
Time for Whit’s look book shoot. Again, I’m annoyed by all the help Whit is getting, and it’s making not want to buy her stuff and instead buy clothes from a designer that started from nothing and worked her way up all by herself. Roxy suggests that one of the models “funk it up” and “eat a cupcake” or something, which is completely asinine. It is not a photo shoot for a spread, dumbass — it’s a look book. And some dude takes pictures of models, and Roxy is like, “Whit, why doesn’t one of the models scream or something?” Hey, Roxy, why don’t you shut up or something? Kelly pulls Roxy aside and says that this is Whit’s shoot, and she just needs to help Whit do what Whit wants, and make everything “criss-cross applesauce.” What? I don’t think she’s using that term correctly. But does Roxy listen? Hell no. “Let’s do a shot where they’re popping champagne!” she says, while SHAKING a bottle of champagne. Kelly is pretty adamant about Roxy not opening that bottle. But for some reason, the girls listen to Roxy, and one of them pops the cork, which goes all over the table and all over a dress. Whit is not impressed.
“I swear to god, if I wasn’t being paid to be your friend it would SO be over.”
Kelly ends things, and then Roxy gets all pissed off because Whit is mad at her. Oh, but you guys, Whit’s not mad at Roxy. Which actually makes ME mad. And Roxy throws cake at Whitney, and I don’t know why, but then they start a food fight, which I’m not even enjoying because I keep thinking about how infuriating it is that Whitney isn’t mad and is participating and that they aren’t even concerned about getting cake and crap all over the photography equipment. Whitney? I like you. I think you’re great, I think you’re honest, I think you’re nice, but sweetie — I don’t know how you’re able to walk without that spine. I’m sorry, sweetie, but I think Roxy’s only your friend because she’s knows she can walk all over you and you’ll still defend her. Britney Spears would call her toxic. Bel Biv Devoe would call her poison. I just call her an undeserving skank.
Olivia meets Brynn at Mango to get outfits. Brynn is the accessories intern at Elle, meaning that she’s just like Olivia except without the paycheck. And the other paycheck from MTV. And the trust fund. And the cousin who got incarcerated by trying to lure an undercover hooker with illegally obtained Oxycontin. They look for clothes. Brynn says she doesn’t want Erin to blow up like she did last time when they didn’t have enough options. To her credit, Olivia doesn’t say anything, although that could totally be editing. Olivia buys some outfits, but Brynn’s still concerned that they don’t have enough. You know what I’m concerned about? The MTV online video player effing up again.
Which it totally did. The next day at Elle, models are wearing Olivia’s choices, and of course Erin has to come in, drop her pants, and drop a deuce all over everything Olivia has chosen. Erin says a dress is too tight, Olivia disagrees, and Brynn wishes she was anywhere but there.
“I could have had that sweet internship at Cat Fancy, but noooooo.”
They don’t have the right size jeans for one of the models, and they only have one pair of sandals for her as well. I’m on Erin’s side as she tells Olivia that they should have gone to more than two stores (Olivia says they were out of “everything” in the model’s shoe size. Whatevs.). Erin dismisses the models. And then Erin says they’re taking some dress back, Olivia disagrees, and then tells Erin that she basically wouldn’t talk to Joe the way she’s talking to her now, and that Erin should talk to all colleagues with respect. Well, yeah. Agreed. Then Erin asks Brynn to leave, and Brynn practically leaves skidmarks on her way out of there. Oh yeah, here we go! Elle Accessory Smackdown! Except, you guys, totally not. The “fight” is lame. It’s Erin saying the same shit: You’re not doing your job, and it’s forcing me to have to do it. I agree with Erin — Olivia’s not doing her job. But Erin’s not exactly being the most constructive and helpful. Like the MTV online video player.
Back at People’s, Roxy says she got shoes back to models and the champagne dress dry-cleaned, and then Kelly comes in and tells Whit that the look book is ready. Roxy wanna see! Roxy wanna go see look book! Roxy want! Roxy want! But Kelly tells her that she’ll just take Whit and then Roxy can look at it later. Roxy gets back to work at her computer.
And by “work,” I obviously mean this.
Kelly and Whit have a looky look at the look book, which looks good. Fine, I’ll admit that some of Whit’s outfits look tasteful and professional. Don’t make me say anything else. Kelly then segues into Roxy and how no matter what Whit tells her to do, Roxy’ll just do whatever Roxy wants. Word. Whit’s all, “I don’t think that’s true.” Whitney! Stop. Defending. Her. You know, I really think Whitney might have some deep issues left over from junior high or high school. I bet she was one of those girls who was only in with the popular crowd because they could run all over her and get her to do whatever they wanted. And the queen of those bitches? Roxy. Whitney, for the love of god, it’s not high school anymore. Freeze that ho out.
Back at Elle, Erin talks to Brynn, who I feel sorry for. Because Erin just unleashes her frustration of Olivia out on Brynn. She repeats what she said to Olivia to Brynn, but she does say that Brynn’s been cooperative and that if it wasn’t for her, then they would have even less than they had at the fitting. Then Erin says this about Olivia: “She just doesn’t deserve to be here [Elle].” You know what? As much grief as I’ve given Erin for her treatment of Olivia, I totes agree.
By the way, there’s a new commercial running this week:
Somewhere, Freddie Fackelmeyer is making some awkward phone calls.
Happy Thanksgiving, Gasmii!
Next Week: Season finale! What?! Already?! Oh yeah. It’s the A to Zee thingy, and Olivia tells Joe that none of the looks are hers and Erin? Not so happy about that. And Joe sits them down, and Erin says, “It’s either her or me.” Shut up! Bergdorf Goodman may want to buy Whit’s collection. Seriously. And Whit tells Roxy that Kelly told her that it might not be a good idea if Roxy comes along. And then Roxy pouts.