My Big Friggin’ Wedding: Boring Couples Take Over

Hey, Gasmii! Thanks for being so kind in the comments last week. You guys are awesome. Hopefully everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I spent most of the day buying too much crap online. Mr. Stardust is ready to confiscate my credit cards.

This week we get to focus more on the boring ass couples for some reason. Come on Vh1…I’m disappointed in you. Last week we had a possibly pregnant, but definitely drunk lady and a drunk driving, puking mom. You can’t follow that up with this episode.

Previously on My Big Friggin’ Wedding: The Boring Couple argued over money, Sandra quit her job and wants to work for her asshole fiance, Tammie is drunk and possibly pregnant, and Johnny is still more concerned about his meatballs than his wedding.

Johnny and Megin:

Megin and Johnny head to some place called “Landmark” (I think it’s a hotel?) to see if they want to do their reception there since they haven’t found a venue yet. But they do have wedding colors! Black and gold…not too bad, until Johnny tells us that he picked them because they are the colors of Rocky Balboa’s shorts. How the hell did this guy get two women to agree to marry him? Megin needs to just plan all this shit without him because so far, he wants club flyer invitiations, a meatball ice sculpture, and a roast suckling pig at their table.

Wouldn’t you want this staring at you while you’re trying to eat?

Johnny may be an idiot, but he is occasionally good for something – or at least one thing. He can cook. He makes a nice meal for Megin when she comes home from work, but she brings home some bad news. She is being forced to take her maternity leave early and they are eliminating her position while she’s gone. That is kind of shitty to get rid of her while she’s on maternity leave. But Johnny isn’t concerned because he has positive vibes. Johnny is one of those guys that is so ridiculously stupid that he’s almost likable.

This is how concerned Johnny is about his baby being born to two unemployed parents.

I don’t know if it’s going to do much good at this point, but Johnny and Megin decide to go to couples counseling. Basically, Megin carries all the responsibility in their relationship and Johnny just doesn’t give a shit about anything other than meatballs. I can’t even imagine how they’re going to deal with a baby. Just run, Megin. Was the ex-fiance really any worse than this one?

Of course Johnny thinks the solution to everything is to get the Johnny Meatballs franchise up and running. Instead of, you know, actually working on making and selling meatballs, he is  hard at work coming up with T-shirt designs for a company that doesn’t yet exist. He takes his shirt designs home to show Megin and I expect her to flip out about his wasting time on stupid shit, but surprisingly, she thinks the shirts are cute…must be the pregnancy hormones because I could totally make these things in my apartment.

I think I used to have a Barbie clothing designer game on my computer that printed these out.

Johnny finally starts doing some real work for Johnny Meatballs and meets up with his dad at a ravioli factory to see if he can get them to start making his meatballs. Johnny highly underestimated the actual work it takes to make a product to sell. He has to go through all kinds of rules and regulations and paperwork before he can do anything. He also apparently didn’t realize that it might cost MONEY to start a business. Shocking, I know.

Danny and Tammie:

Tammie works in a hair salon/day spa. I think she does hair, but we usually just see her sitting in the back room on her pink, bedazzled phone bitching to Danny. Tammie still thinks she’s pregnant. Danny doesn’t believe her because she always tells him she’s pregnant to get attention. Since Danny doesn’t care, I guess she needs proof so that he can pay attention to her. She also wants to be sure she knows so that she doesn’t give her baby fetal alcohol syndrome. I figure it’s probably too late for that.

I bet you money she is hoping to get at least one false positive so she can continue her attention whoring.

Anyways, she’s a week late, so she buys like seven home pregnancy tests and brings them to work. Because that’s totally professional. When I was a waitress in college, this girl I worked with thought she was pregnant and took a pregnancy test in the bathroom at work. Is that actually a common occurrence? I’m pretty sure I’d rather be in the comfort of my own bathroom when I find out if I’m pregnant or not. Her boss actually sits in the bathroom with her while she takes the pregnancy tests. Not outside the stall, like she watches her actually piss on the stick. That’s just weird.

Thank God.

Back at home, Tammie is still getting used to having three step-children. It’s a good thing she’s not pregnant. She’s a terrible mother. I’m sure it’s rougher on them then her. God, I’d hate that lady being my step-mother. She refers to them as “Haitian orphans” and says they act like they were affected by the earthquake when they ask for food. So I don’t feel bad for her at all when they tell her to make them meatballs since she’s Italian. They also make fun of her when she has no idea how to make them.

Only classy women make ball jokes.

Matt and Amanda (The Boring Couple):

Matt is a contractor and someone vandalized one of his houses that he was remodeling for work. They ripped the plumbing out of the walls and spray painted graffiti on the walls. Blah, blah…I have no idea why we’re supposed to care. This isn’t This Old House: The Jersey Ghetto.

I can’t believe a nice looking neighborhood like that would get vandalized.

Apparently, he lost a lot of money in this house, therefore he lost about a quarter of his wedding budget. I don’t understand. He said that he lost ten grand in the house…so the wedding budget is $40,000? That’s kind of steep for a guy who works in carpentry, right? Also, is he really personally responsible for paying for the vandalism of the house he is working on? Shouldn’t he have some sort of business insurance to cover that?

When he picks up Amanda to go see their wedding planner, Matt is already in a bad mood. He’s not exactly thrilled when Amanda wants to buy new table linens for the wedding. The venue provides linens, but Amanda wants ones that match their invitations. Seriously? I’m with Matt on this one. Like anyone is going to notice that your invitation and tablecloths match.

Matt and Amanda meet with a lady at the venue. According to them, it’s just a few days before their wedding. I’m still trying to figure out how they’re going to stretch this out if we’re already this close to the wedding in the fourth episode. Maybe they’re trying to get Matt and Amanda phased out of the show since they are boring me to tears. Their menu is even boring. It sounds like that fancy crap that you always hear about, but no one ever actually eats. Hummus in a salt cone? Is that a real thing?

Shouldn’t they have already picked out a cake if it’s only a few days until the wedding?

Matt didn’t eat before the meeting, so all the food talk is making his stomach growl. Eh, none of that food really sounded that good to me, but then again I pretty much have the same taste as a 6-year-old when it comes to food. Seriously. I had a cheeseburger and fries instead of turkey for Thanksgiving dinner.

Later when they get home, they get in some boring fight about pretty much nothing. I honestly can’t figure out what they’re fighting over. Amanda  is tired and doesn’t want to talk and Matt won’t shut up…it’s super boring and really ridiculous because they aren’t even fighting over ANYTHING.

Matt gets all pissy and leaves to go to the bar with his friends. His douche-y friend (who is obviously single) tells him how much more horrible it’s going to get after he gets married and since Matt’s not married yet, he can party it up.
Matt figures since he is already sleeping on the couch that he might as well go all out. Yeah, that’ll totally work.

I’m not even sure what’s going on here.

After getting some girl to bounce her ass all over him (I honestly can’t think of a better way to describe it), Matt goes home to sleep on his couch and realizes that he forgot his house keys. Amanda is awesome (i.e. slightly less boring) and leaves Matt outside to pound on the door. Karma, bitch.

Joey and Sandra:

Apparently, today is wedding planner day. Joey and Sandra are also meeting with their wedding planner, Francesca (who will now be known as “Fran” because I’m already tired of typing her name). Fran asks if everyone has RSVP’d yet. Not everyone has, but I doubt there has ever been a wedding in history where they got every RSVP back. I actually didn’t know for years that you were supposed to return the little card even if you WEREN’T attending. Oops.

Then Fran asks how the couple wants to be introduced at their reception. Sandra wants her first name to be said with Joey’s, while Joey thinks it should just be: Mr. and Mrs. Joey Longitalianname. He tells Sandra that she doesn’t get the privilege of having her first name said. What an ass.

He’s like a bully on the playground.

Apparently a glutton for punishment, Sandra is now working for Joey’s company since she decided to quit her job. She says she loves working for Joey, but there is just no fucking way that is true. He just kind of throws her in the office without any training, then yells at her for not writing appointments down the same way that he does and makes her do it over. Ughhhhh. I can’t stand this douche.

Later on, he throws an even bigger fit when he finds out that Sandra put the wrong phone number in the appointment book. She still has the right phone number in the phone, so it’s not like it’s a huge deal, but ‘Roid Ragin’ Joey can’t pass up a good chance to be an asshole. Unfortunately for him, his momma is there and notices that Sandra actually DIDN’T write the number wrong – Joey actually dialed it wrong. HAHAHA. Asshole. He still can’t even apologize and says that it’s still Sandra’s fault because she writes her numbers weird. Dear Lord. I hope Sandra is ready for a lifetime full of pain and misery.

At least we know where he gets the crazy eyes from.

I know this is totally going to shock you guys, but Joey is also helping Sandra work out so she can fit in her dress. To his credit (his only one) he does say that he doesn’t think she needs to lose any weight and he loves her ass. I think he just likes being her personal trainer so he can scream at her and make more crazy eyes at her.

Tyler and Alyssa:

Tyler and Alyssa are also picking out food for their reception. It also includes shit like hummus too.Tyler wants to have cheeseburger sliders, but Alyssa thinks that is “ghetto”.  If I had actually planned a wedding instead of running off to Vegas, I would totally have had donuts and pizza at my reception. Will someone please do that and invite me?

Honestly, which one would you rather eat?

Alyssa has her first dress fitting and brings along her creepy old man wedding planner. He hates her dress and keeps telling her to show more boob. Seriously? I don’t even know why this guy gets an opinion. He apparently has a lot of opinions because he also hates her veil and her  jewelry. He makes Alyssa cry because he hates everything that she picked out. I don’t understand people who feel like they need to get opinionated about other people’s wedding shit. It’s their wedding…let them pick out whatever gaudy shit they want and shut the fuck up about it.

It kind of does look like a Barbie dress I had in 1991.

Unfortunately, this episode had way too much boring and not enough Alyssa/Tyler and Danny/Tammie drama. In the sneak peak for this episode online, they had an update on Alyssa’s mom and the puke in her car. Why wasn’t that in the episode? It definitely would have been more interesting than following Matt around his job.

Next week: Alyssa and Tyler still have a ton of shit to do for their wedding, Tammie is still bitching about the prenup, Megin gets a C-section, and Matt has a bachelor party.

So, what do you guys think?? Do you think Megin will eventually murder Johnny? Would you buy a Johnny Meatballs shirt? Are cheeseburgers and pizza “ghetto” for a wedding? Is Joey not the biggest asshole you’ve ever seen?