My Big Friggin’ Wedding: Commence the Countdown to Divorce

Well, Gasmii, we made it. The season finale. They knocked out all the boring couples early and now we’re just left with the biggest trainwrecks of all: Tammie/Danny and Alyssa/Tyler. Alyssa and Tyler aren’t so bad themselves, but Alyssa’s mom makes up for it. I’m just shocked everyone made it down the aisle so far. I really figured at least one couple would break up and call off the wedding. Well, we still have two more to go…

Previously: Alyssa’s mom is a drunk and her wedding planner is a big douche and Tammie is already contemplating divorce.

Alyssa/Tyler:

The wedding is in a few days, so Alyssa’s grandparents are visiting to help her out. Alyssa says they are a huge help when she’s stressed because they babysit the kid and clean. All I’ve seen them do so far is sit on the porch and chain smoke.

All of a sudden, Tyler gets 51 text messages from Douchebag Wedding Planner (DWP) saying that he quits. First of all, why is he texting Tyler and not Alyssa? Second, why in the hell did he send FIFTY ONE texts? Did they all say the same thing? Third, does a wedding planner still get paid anything if they quit two days before the wedding? So many questions.

Alyssa wants answers too, dammit!

Tyler is trying to tell her that everything will be okay and they can figure it out themselves, but Alyssa is freaking out on the porch. I don’t know why. The guy (DWP) was an ass. I don’t think he did anything constructive. They probably can do it better themselves anyway. Alyssa doesn’t think so and goes into full-on drama mode and starts gagging over the toilet and crying on the floor.

DWP calls Tyler while Alyssa is still crying in the bathroom and Tyler hands the phone off to her anyways. DWP asks Alyssa if she expects a fucking miracle from him. What kind of professional wedding planner talks to his clients like this anyway? I think she found this guy in a McDonald’s or something.

These pictures are amusing me.

Alyssa tells him that she’ll do everything he asks if he will please finish the job. She could probably find a bum hanging out on the street corner that would be more of a help than this guy. Alyssa says that she is paying this guy and he needs to do his damn job. I agree. So far, all he’s done is tell her that all her ideas are stupid or ugly and then bark orders. He gives her a list of things to do and his last piece of advice is for her to not drink tomorrow. HA.

Bright and early the next owning, Alyssa shows up at DWP’s house. He gives her a bunch of shit to do and I’m pretty sure he’s running this whole “wedding planner” operation out if his garage.

See?

Alyssa now has the tedious task of breaking up hot pink rock candy and putting it into tiny bags. Is she really giving out rock candy at her wedding? I find that either odd or really freaking awesome. I don’t know which yet. But I kind of feel like she’s preparing for a kid’s birthday party instead of a wedding. Alyssa does like five bags and gets bored and wants someone to help her but Tyler is busy and her bridesmaids are MIA. She ends up going to get a mani/pedi alone.

Poor girl. You know it’s bad when the bridesmaids don’t even show up for this part.

Alyssa is practicing walking down the aisle with her granddad at her rehearsal. I don’t really understand why you need a rehearsal to walk down an aisle and repeat a few sentences. I didn’t have a rehearsal and I didn’t find it too challenging.

DWP again tells Alyssa to not drink tonight and to get a good night’s sleep. She nods her head, but then tells us that there is no way she is not going out and drinking. She’s in Atlantic City! Tyler and her friends are pre-gaming in the room before they all head to the clubs. Unfortunately, that means we have to watch Alyssa and Tyler grind all over each other and make out in public.

The next morning, Alyssa is hungover. Of course she is. Alyssa is still in bed when the makeup artist shows up. Alyssa says that she doesn’t know if she has enough energy to sit in a chair and get her hair and makeup done. Someone please explain to me the energy level involved in sitting in a chair. I wasn’t aware it was so high.

I love how her dress is so huge, it’s oozing out of the closet.

Meanwhile, Tyler and his friends are in a bar downing shots already. It is entirely possible that they never left the bars from the night before. Tyler figures he can get dressed and ready in half an hour, so he has all day to party.

Alyssa is all dressed up and she’s starting to get nervous. She says that she is all emotional and just needs some time to zone out. Why do all these people get so nervous? Especially these people who have a child together and have been living together for years. I mean, how is it really going to be any different for them?

Tyler is getting dressed between more beers and shots. How in the hell are these guys still sober at this point? The wedding is at 5pm, and they’ve been drinking non-stop since the night before.

DWP rounds up Tyler and tells him to get rid of his beer and go to the front of the church. He finds Alyssa and gets the ball rolling for the ceremony to start.

They look like they’re going to a club, not a wedding. Maybe they didn’t go home last night either.

Alyssa walks down the aisle and her poor dad can barely walk next to her without her giant dress swallowing him. Tyler says that she has a really gorgeous face and she’s mixing it with sexy. Whatever that means. We go through the ceremony, blah blah. They’re married. Now let’s get to Mama Marilyn making a fool of herself at the reception. She’d better not disappoint me.

That dress is going to swallow everyone.

We’re at there reception and Alyssa looks like a cupcake trying to dance. That dress is ridiculous. Also, Mama Marilyn and her boyfriend/ex-husband/whatever are making out and grinding all over the place. Alyssa wants to check out the ice luge and Tyler is having a few more beers. I don’t know how he’s not in a coma by now.

Ew.

I guess Alyssa failed at the seating chart thing, because half of the guests have no place cards. I’m just going to say again how stupid and pointless I think this whole idea of telling everyone where to sit is. Even in Kindergarten we got to choose where we sat in the cafeteria at lunch, so I’m sure a bunch of grown adults can figure it out without too much trouble.

Of course Alyssa blames the place card fiasco on DWP, even though she admits that she told him she’d print them herself. Obviously she didn’t, so he probably had to use an old chart that wasn’t completed or something. I’m not trying to defend the asshole, but I don’t really think this is entirely his fault. Not to mention, WHO CARES? Make it open seating!

DWP is sitting in some back room and overhears Alyssa bitching about him. He’s not happy. Alyssa goes in to talk to him and he says it wasn’t his fault and he threatens to leave. He starts taking all all of his lights out of the reception, since they are his, and leave. Ha. He’s a jerk, but it’s kind of funny.

Alyssa and one of her bridesmaids go talk to DWP. I don’t know why she bothers. Just go back and enjoy your reception. She’s spent her entire wedding either bitching at or about her wedding planner. DWP tells her to fuck off and I’m still wondering if this is how you run a business in Jersey.

After battling with DWP, Alyssa goes upstairs to change into her second dress. It’s also very fluffy.

Fly away, little birdie!

Everyone is downstairs dancing and having fun, Tyler is still drinking beer, and all of a sudden we see Mama Marilyn and Larry start fighting. They are yelling and Larry keeps flipping Mama Marilyn off. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see or hear what they’re arguing about. Alyssa tells them to get over it because it’s her wedding day.

Then Alyssa and Tyler go to cut the cake and smear it all over each others faces.

Tammie/Danny:

The wedding is tomorrow, and Danny is dropping Tammie off at her mom’s house.  Danny says that he’s been hearing about the stupid wedding for the past eight months and he wants a quiet night tonight. I really wish his kids had all gotten together and harassed Tammie until she gave up and left – you know, like in that old JTT movie, Man of the House (minus the obligatory Disney happy ending). Mmm…JTT. What happened to that guy anyways?

Tammie says that she feels like it’s Christmas Eve. She can’t wait to be a princess. Oh geez. Princess of a Jersey trailer park, maybe. At last count, she had 210 guests coming and she thinks that the wedding should have made the news. She really is deluded, isn’t she?

Tammie’s wedding day is finally here. She thinks that she needs to look really good because people have such high expectations since she always looks really good. Oh Lord. She also has possibly the worst hair I’ve ever seen. Of course, she thinks it looks amazing.

She could totally give Snooki a run for he money with that poof.

While Danny is in another room getting dressed, he is delivered a card from Tammie. She wrote a freaking book about how she loves him and blah blah. I was about to slap him if he started making fun of her, but he says that it is pretty sweet. And then we are treated to this:

If I had to see it, so do you.

Tammie needs help getting dressed and everyone left her. She gets some girls in there to help, plus a creepy photographer taking pictures of her getting dressed for some reason. Then Tammie starts getting all pissy. Her veil gets caught in her dress and she starts crying and yelling at people. I’d throw the dress at her and run. Let her walk down the aisle naked for all I care. No, wait. I do care. I don’t want to see that again.

Tammie is still crying and being  a bitch to everyone, so her makeup lady tries to fix her smeared eye makeup and tells her to calm the fuck down. But in nicer terms than I would use. Tammie says that everyone should be focused on the bride and not themselves. Then she tells us she took pictures of herself lying on the bed in just her underwear, holding her boobs. THAT’S why the photographer was there. That poor man. Oh well, I guess he’s getting paid to see boobs, so I guess he’s okay, At least he doesn’t have to be married to the bitch the rest of his life. Or the next two months, which is my guess as to the duration of this relationship.

Tammie is taking pictures with her mom, who is wearing this purple, ruffly monstrosity, when someone tells her that the wedding programs aren’t even at the church yet. The wedding planner left a half hour ago, but came back to wherever Tammie is because she got lost. Tammie flips out and says she isn’t paying the wedding planner for today. Good luck with that one.

Seriously, what the hell?

So, apparently wedding planners in Jersey are just ruthless bitches . I actually like this lady though. She says that if Tammie continues to step on her toes, she will walk the fuck out of there and go back to Brooklyn. Hahaha. Love her.

While the wedding planner is trying to get directions to the church, Tammie is inside crying and screaming again. Poor Grimace the Purple Wonder just wants to finish the damn pictures, but Tammie pushes her away and screams some more. I am seriously over this bitch.

Tammie and her parents get to the church in their vintage Rolls Royce (does anyone else think this is a waste of money?). I’m guessing she got there late, because as soon as she gets out of the car, she starts walking down the aisle. However, a few steps in, the music stops. Hahaha. The music starts up again and she finishes her walk  down the aisle with her dad, but you can tell she’s pissed.

That church looks awfully empty for her supposed 210 guests.

Tammie  says the only thing missing was someone holding a mirror so she could watch herself walking down the aisle. Sigh. I don’t even know what to say anymore.

They go through the ceremony, blah blah. Afterwards, Tammie says it was the worst wedding ceremony she’s ever been to. She says that the preacher rushed it because it didn’t even take an hour. Dear Lord. Who wants to sit in an hour long wedding? My Vegas wedding was only eleven minutes long. And that was about eight minutes longer than I wished it was.

Is it just me, or does she Tammie look pregnant?

Tammie the Delusional makes her grand entrance into the reception and then starts talking about how this was almost “too much” and she knows how famous people feel when they are being followed by the paparazzi. She wishes she had paparazzi on her ass.

Tammie decided to make a montage to show during their dinner. It’s hilarious because it is all pictures of her. However, they decided to play Latin music during it, which pisses her off for some reason, so she sits and pouts. Then she goes up and screams at the DJ in the middle of the montage. Danny tells her to shut up because she’s embarrassing.

This was the opening picture for the montage.

Apparently the DJ doesn’t deal with many bridezillas, so he pulls Tammie out into the hallway to yell at her for yelling at him. He threatens to leave and take all of his equipment with him. Hm, where have we seen that before? Oh right. Alyssa’s wedding.

Why would you put yourself through this on the supposed “best day of your life”?

Tammie goes outside and starts telling Danny about how much of her “hard-working money” has went into the DJ. HA. More like Danny’s money. I doubt the bitch paid for the wedding on a hairdresser’s salary. Finally, she calms down and goes back inside to continue dancing like a loon.

At the end of the night, Tammie realizes she has to share her limo with her new step-children. She throws a fit and says that his kids should not come before her because she’s his wife. HAHAHAHA. Danny tells her that his kids come first because they will always be his kids, while she can pack up and leave tomorrow. This is the part of Danny that I love.

So, who wants to make bets on how long Tammie and Danny last? I’m being optimistic and giving them two months. I’m also kind of disappointed that Mama Marilyn didn’t get drunk and cause a bigger scene. What did you guys think??

I want to thank everyone who has been reading my recaps. You’ve made me feel loved and welcome as a new recapper and I appreciate you all!