My Big Friggin’ Wedding: Jersey Shore for Marrieds

****You’ve been writing in asking for recaps of My Big Friggin’ Wedding, so here they are! We are gonna begin with a season catch up with our newest recapper, LadyStardust. Welcome to the fold, lady!

Hey Gasmii! I’m your newest recapper and I’m going to catch you up to speed on the glorious piece of trash that VH1 calls, My Big Friggin’ Wedding. This quickie recap will cover the first three episodes, then I’ll be doing weekly recaps starting next week.

EPISODE ONE

Our first couple is Alyssa and Tyler.

Who is that lady in the background?

They met at a keg party if that tells you anything. They’re going to have a South Jersey style wedding as opposed to just a Jersey style wedding…I don’t know much about Jersey that’s not on Jersey Shore, but is there a difference?

Alyssa got pregnant at 19, after a year of dating Tyler. Alyssa says people want to judge her for being a young mom, but she’s “rockin” (she says that a lot) a Juicy Couture stroller, has a Louis Vuitton bag, drives a “Benz” and had a “big-ass” house. So…what exactly do these people do that they have all that at 22 years old? I’m thinking they have an underground drug operation going on. Or Alyssa has a rich daddy.

Seriously…where do they get this money from?

Because they have their own house, they have a lot of parties. Alyssa is a LOUD drunk. She talks a lot about Tyler’s ball hair for some reason. She’s a classy lady. Also, Alyssa and her mom are BFFs, which means they get drunk together and scream obscenities to each other a lot. Ugh. I hate BFF moms. It makes me think of Dina Lohan and we all know how her children turned out.

She is rarely seen without a drink in her hand.

Next couple: Joey and Sandra.

Yes, he answered his phone during his interview.

Here we have a very Italian couple from New York.  Joey and Sandra drink and party a lot too. I’m beginning to see a pattern here. They also met at a party (surprise) and Joey only talked to her because she was dressed like a slut. Notice Joey’s asshole tendencies. They come out more later on.

Sandra and Joey go tuxedo shopping and can’t agree on anything. Joey wants a black vest and Sandra wants him to wear a white one. It’s really boring and I’m really distracted by the guy who works there.

Why would anyone want to buy a tux off this guy?

Tammie and Danny:

This marriage is totally going to last. Look how into it he is.

Tammie’s family hates Danny because he is Haitian. It might also have to do with the fact that he looks to be about 10 years older than her and has 3 grown children. They met while Danny was still married to his former wife, but his children still blame Tammie for breaking up their parent’s marriage. And she’s fucking annoying.

Surprise! Tammie drinks and parties a lot too! I think all these women only want a wedding for the party and booze. Tammie says she is going to be a classy bride right before she tells us that she had her dress custom made so she can do the “booty pop” in it. Why do these trashy Jersey girls always throw around the word “classy”?

The “white girl booty pop”. I can’t imagine why her future step-children hate her.

Oh, and Tammie’s sister had the audacity to get pregnant before the wedding. This means that Tammie gets some of her attention taken away because her sister has to have a baby shower. I can’t believe she wouldn’t plan her pregnancy around Tammie’s wedding! What a total bitch!

The thing I hate worse than anything about Tammie? Her dog. I HATE little dogs. They just jump and bark and… ugghhhhh. I hate them. And I hate it when people drag them around in outfits and refer to them as their children. It’s really weird and creepy. Tammie wants the stupid dog to be their flower girl.

Yuck.

Tammie (who is only 27 years old) also decides that she needs Botox for her wedding. She’s not going to tell Danny, because it doesn’t fit in their budget. I cannot fathom what would make people get needles jabbed into their head. I’d rather have wrinkles.

There is NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Megin and Johnny:

I hate how she spells her name. I keep typing it wrong.

Megin and Johnny met while Johnny was married and Megin was engaged. They both broke off their relationships to be with each other and now Megin is pregnant. She has to pop this baby out so she can drink at her wedding. No, I did not make that up.

Johnny wants to have a club wedding. His first wedding was all boring and traditional and shit, so he wants this one to just be a huge, guido party. Megin wants a traditional wedding with traditional invitations. Johnny wants a club flyer invitation. I have a feeling she’s going to regret breaking it off with her last fiance after all this.

Johnny’s inspiration

Johnny is currently unemployed. He is working on his “Johnny Meatballs” franchise. He spends all day having “business meetings” which involve his friends and beer. Very pregnant Megin gets up and goes to work every day. When she asks him what he does all day, he actually tells her that he spent all day on the computer doing some “cutting and pasting”. Megin wants him to get a real job.

Amanda and Matt:

The boring couple.

Amanda and Matt have been together for seven years and engaged for three. They met through Amanda’s ex-boyfriend. They hooked up while the ex was in jail. Again, not making this up. Even though this couple looks relatively sane compared to the other couples, they still do stupid shit. Like get matching tattoos of their wedding date. That is never a good idea, especially considering the current divorce rate.

Matt is such a great fiancé that he leaves Amanda during her tattoo to get some beers. She is understandably pissed. I bet she is so glad that the memory of this guy is going to be etched into her skin for the rest of her life.

EPISODE TWO: (I am using the episode highlight clips for this from VH1’s website since their full episode isn’t available for some reason.)

Alyssa and Tyler:

Alyssa’s BFF mom is getting divorced, which is causing strain in her and Alyssa’s relationship. Alyssa has a good relationship with her step-dad and is pretty upset that her mom cheated on him. See? BFF moms never work out well. And this lady is just a trainwreck from beginning to end.

As for the wedding, they decided that they want an ice luge at the reception. Yes, they want their ice sculpture to pour vodka into people’s mouths. AT THEIR WEDDING. Oh, Alyssa explains that she thinks there was one at the keg party that she met Tyler at. Well, that makes it better.

Megin and Johnny:

Johnny has another “business meeting”. He comes home drunk and Megin tries to go over their wedding budget. I am just appalled at the wedding budget. Do people really spend $500 on flowers?? For a few hours then they die?? I got married in Las Vegas, so I have no clue how this stuff works.

Tammie and Danny:

Danny tells Tammie that he will not marry her unless she signs a pre-nup. He says that his ex-wife took him for everything in their divorce and he won’t do that again. He’s especially mad because she took his snowblower. For real. He brings it up several times.

She moved to Georgia. He’s pissed off because she doesn’t even need it there.

Tammie goes to the florist. Every time the florist shows her an arrangement he made, Tammie calls herself a genius. I have no idea why she thinks this makes her a genius. That guy made it, not her. She’s not a genius because she picked out the colors. She also brings her stupid dog. She says if the dog doesn’t like it, she won’t buy it. I’m still trying to figure out exactly how she knows if that dog likes something or not.

Joey and Sandra:

Sandra hates her job. She wants to talk to Joey about it and tells her to hold out until after the wedding. Then she tells him that she already put in her resignation. Joey goes into asshole mode again. I think he has ‘roid rage. The always looks like he’s ready for a fight.

He definitely has crazy eyes.

Amanda and Matt weren’t even featured in the clips on the website. They are so boring that VH1 already forgot about them.

EPISODE THREE:

Tammie/Danny:

Tammie’s sister is again using her pregnancy to ruin Tammie’s life. Every year, Tammie’s boss has this huge party and Tammie’s sister decides to go into labor on the same night. Tammie thinks since she is being induced, that she won’t be missing anything so she’ll go to the party and if something happens, she’ll just go to the hospital drunk.

While getting ready for the party, Tammie overhears that Danny is going to give his daughter $300 for a cell phone and she flips the fuck out. She’s more immature than the kids. She tells Danny that they need the money for the wedding, when it’s pretty obvious that Danny has a good bit of money. Plus, how much does Botox cost? So, it’s not like she’s suffering for money because Danny is giving it all to his kids or anything.

She looks like a teenager fighting with her dad.

Tammie, Danny, and the kids show up at her boss’s party and Tammie immediately goes for the alcohol. After we watch Tammy drunk dance for a while, she interviews that she thinks she may be pregnant, but isn’t sure. Oh my God. She might want to find out before her second bottle of vodka.

Tammie decides to tell her friends about her possibly pregnancy while she has a drink in her hand. She then goes on to tell them in excruciating detail how she and Danny don’t use protection when they have sex. She also thinks that it’s okay to drink while pregnant until you know for sure that you really are. As long as you don’t know, you’re okay. This lady is an idiot.

This kid is going to come out with two heads.

Alyssa/Tyler:

Alyssa and Tyler have pretty much done zero planning so far. They hire a wedding planner because Alyssa doesn’t want to do any of the planning herself. Seriously, get married in Vegas. They do EVERYTHING for you. I didn’t plan a thing and the wedding was over in nine minutes.

Alyssa’s friends throw her a bridal shower. Alyssa’s mom gets totally trashed. She’s a pretty amusing drunk, but I’d be so embarrassed if she was my mom. She actually lifts up the pregnant girls dress (who isn’t wearing underwear, btw) in the middle of the party. From there on out, the party goes to all to hell. It starts storming, then the electricity goes out, and everyone is just drunk and screaming at everyone else.

I’ll spare you the actual pixelated vagina picture.

Alyssa ends up fleeing the party and her mother follows her home. I have no idea how or why her mom drive when she was that trashed. She apparently got lost and threw up all over herself and her car on the way.  Tyler is worried that Alyssa’s mom is going to do this at their wedding. Well, they wanted a big frat party wedding.

Good luck even finding the puke in this thing.

Amanda/Matt

The boring couple is still with us, despite their absence in the online clips for the show. Today, they are looking at cars and limos to rent for the wedding. They only have one car available on their wedding date for the bride car and Amanda hates it. Blah, blah…boring.

Megin/Johnny:

Johnny tries to sell his meatballs in a local grocery store. Is he really using canned tomato sauce for his meatballs? However, his meatballs actually sell out at the grocery store and the manager decides to make a deal with Johnny to sell the meatballs in the deli.

Really, Johnny? Your special recipe?

Sandra/Joey:

Sandra is looking for a new job and Joey’s still an asshole. They decide to use feathers instead of flowers for their wedding….and they don’t do much else this episode.  This show is definitely going to mostly feature Alyssa/Tyler and Tammie/Danny. They have all the drama.

So that’s a  quick recap of the first three episodes. Next week, we get bachelor parties, pregnancy tests, therapy, and Joey being an asshole.

So, would you guys prefer this format, where each couple gets a section or would you rather I do it like the show where they constantly switch back and forth between couples? Let me know which you’d rather read. And thanks for reading!