My Big Friggin’ Wedding: Joey vs. Joey

Previously on My Big Friggin Wedding:  Megin goes to a bar without her ring, Sandra had the bright idea to work for asshole Joey, and Alyssa has possibly the worst bachelorette party ever.

Alyssa/Tyler:

We begin this week with the continuation of Alyssa’s mom dying in a bush. Mama Marilyn gets loaded into an ambulance while the girls are all crowd around Alyssa as she debates whether or not to go to the hospital or the club. Granted, Mama Marilyn is an idiot for getting that drunk, especially at her age, but NONE of these girls seems to give a shit that she was just LOADED INTO AN AMBULANCE. Not even her own daughter.

The girls all gather back on the “party” bus. I use the term party loosely here, because this bus no longer look any fun amidst all the tears, screaming, and puking going on. Alyssa is clearly very intoxicated as she calls her mom’s new boyfriend to tell him to pick Mama Marilyn up at the hospital. The phone call is a prime example of why no one should possess a cell phone while drunk. She calls him a “fucking home fucking wrecker” who stole her mom from a family. Which, you know, she voluntarily left her family – so he didn’t really steal anything and it’s just as much her fault as it is his. It’s a shitty situation, but you can’t really blame just him.

Wooooo!!! Partyyyy!!!

On the basis that she doesn’t want her bachelorette party to end in a parking lot, Alyssa and her friends head to another club to try and end the night on a better note. They go to a place called Casbah and we are treated to drunk dancing at its finest.

I guess everyone made it home okay, because next time we see Alyssa she is in bed recovering while Tyler cleans up downstairs. Alyssa’s maid of honor stops by before Alyssa gets out of bed, and Tyler asks her what the hell happened last night. Tyler gets the short version of the story: Mama Marilyn is crazy and left in an ambulance.

And this was all the alcohol they had BEFORE the party bus and the first club.

Alyssa wakes up and has no idea what happened to her mom. She lost her phone in the chaos last night and hasn’t heard from her. Mama Marilyn texts Tyler and says that she is fine and her boyfriend picked her up from the hospital last night. Alyssa doesn’t really care – she just hopes that he mom doesn’t drink at her wedding and cause a scene. There is no way that’s happening. I predict a huge drama-fest with lots of crying at Alyssa’s wedding.

Hangovers aren’t pretty.

Alyssa finally calls her mom and Mama Marilyn is still insane. She accuses Alyssa of stealing her money and leaving her in a dumpster. Dear Lord. I’m just impressed that she remembers ANYTHING that happened last night. Tyler comes home and Alyssa tells him that her mom is still mad at her. Alyssa says that she hates talking to Tyler about family issues because he comes from a perfect family. I know what that’s like. Mr. Stardust comes from like a 50′s sitcom family. He told me once that he’s never even heard his parents argue. I didn’t think people like that existed.

Alyssa decides that her mom is a crazy bitch and asks her grandpa to walk her down the aisle instead of her mom. Her mom would more likely be stumbling down the aisle with a bottle of vodka in her hand. I’d go with grandpa too.

Later on, Mama Marilyn shows up uninvited at Alyssa and Tyler’s house. They go out on the porch to talk and Mama Marilyn apparently regressed back to four years old. She tells Alyssa that she’s never talking to her again and she’s pissed that Alyssa let them take her to the hospital at all. Then she tells Alyssa that she’s not going to her wedding if her ex-husband (Alyssa’s step-dad) is going to be there. Alyssa tells her that she cheated on her husband with a “stone cold alcoholic fucking loser”. Sounds like a match made in heaven to me.

Dear lord, someone clean that kids room.

Alyssa is still mad that her mom won’t admit that she cheated on her husband. They argue about how they aren’t best friends anymore and Mama Marilyn gets pissed and calls Alyssa a bitch. This is why you aren’t BFFs with your mom. Especially if she acts like she’s twelve.

Matt/Amanda:

Matt and Amanda are waking up on the day of their wedding. Seemingly nice Amanda wastes no time in turning into a wedding day bitch. She tries to call her mom and she isn’t answering her phone. Apparently her mom is supposed to pick up her grandma and bring her to the wedding. I guess it’s Opposite Day, because Matt is actually the voice of reason here while Amanda flips the fuck out. He calls Amanda’s sister and gets her mom on the phone in ten seconds. Amanda is not happy because her mom is still sleeping when she should be picking up grandma, and then picking up her. I don’t know why Amanda doesn’t just drive herself there.

Amanda finally makes it to the hotel to get ready for the wedding. She’s already over an hour late getting there and some of the wedding party still haven’t shown up, including Matt’s mom. She needs to be there to get her makeup done but she says she won’t get there for another hour. Amanda is pretty snippy with at this point and as we’ve seen with Matt’s mom, she’s not the type to get snippy with. She tells Amanda that she doesn’t really give a shit at this point and hangs up.

So Amanda calls Matt to complain about his mother. Matt calls his mom and complains about Amanda complaining about her. Ughhh….I’m so glad they’re finally having their wedding. These people have the most pointless arguments ever. Let Matt’s mom do her own damn makeup. Who cares?

Matt’s mom finally shows up and is reiterating her argument that she had on the phone with Matt. Amanda doesn’t really care and I don’t really blame her after the woman told her she didn’t give a shit about her wedding anymore.

Amanda’s feelings toward Matt’s mom right now.

Matt is across town getting a haircut and cleaning out his car. He picks up his dad, whose name is Joey. Is there some sort of rule in Italian families that you must name one of your sons Joe or Joey? Anyways, Matt and Joe get stuck behind a parade on their way to the wedding.

I’d be okay if I were stuck next to a Dunkin’ Donuts.

The parade finally ends and they only have eight minutes to get to the hotel, which is 40 minutes away. Matt is doing eighty miles an hour on the highway and I figure he’s going to get pulled over and make him really late, but he doesn’t and gets there in 25 minutes.

So Amanda is finally calming down since she is almost ready. She’s only been getting ready for over three hours. Matt is almost ready after fifteen minutes. He says something about putting powder on “the munchkins” but he doesn’t want to get powder on his pants. Is he talking about his balls? If so, that’s both weird and gross.

It’s finally time to go the actual wedding, which I guess is not at the hotel since they have to drive there. Amanda and Matt are riding there together in a Rolls Royce. So I guess they found a car. I probably would have waited until I got to the church or wherever they’re getting married to put on my dress though. Those things are a bitch to sit in if they’re corseted up, plus won’t it get all wrinkly in the back?

So much for not seeing the bride before the wedding.

Back at the hotel, the wedding party is waiting for the cars to get back so they can be taken to the venue. Matt’s mom is STILL bitching. She calls the whole thing a “clusterfuck” and is yelling on the phone to someone about how badly everything is planned. She says that she just wants the whole ceremony to be done with so she can go home with her dog and a bottle of vodka. Her and Mama Marilyn should hang out.

She’s probably just pissed that her arm seems to be dissolving.

Before the wedding, Amanda has a heart to heart with her bridesmaids. People cry, blah blah. Finally, they friggin’ get married. It’s about time. Everyone cries and Matt cracks a joke and cackles while giving his vows. The dude has a very distinctive laugh. It’s a very nice wedding, but weddings are SO boring, especially if you don’t even know the people. So let’s move on please.

Now they can go have beautiful little dimpled children.

Nope, now we have to see their reception. Matt actually did hire the Lady Gaga impersonator, and conveniently didn’t tell Amanda. Probably because she’d freak out. She’s still not that happy about it, but it’s too late now. She thinks that people are probably going to laugh at them for having a fake Lady Gaga at their wedding. She’s probably right.

I got married in Las Vegas and didn’t even have a celebrity impersonator.

Outside in the entryway, Matt’s mom is having a breakdown. She is talking to some lady about how she’s losing her son and all she has now is a cat and a dog. That is kind of sad. Maybe that’s why she was a bitch all day. She decides to drown her sorrows at the bar.

We also get to watch the bouquet toss and the disgusting garter belt thing. Can I just say how much I hate that part of weddings? I cannot imaging having a guy reach his hand up my dress while everyone howls in front of my dad, my grandparents, my brother, and all those other people. I just think the whole thing is really weird.

By the end of the night, Matt’s mom is trashed, but much less so than Mama Marilyn on a regular night. She tells everyone how much she hates Matt and Amanda’s wedding cake. She seems much happier than she was earlier though, so good for her.

Notice that she’s in the van and not puking behind it.

Johnny/Megin

Megin is talking to her mom about the wedding and tells her that the bridesmaids have picked up their dresses already. They got black dresses because Megin wants black and silver and Johnny wants black and gold, so I guess they just compromised on black. Her mom makes fun of Johnny wanting Rocky colors and a stuffed pig at the wedding. At least she didn’t hear about the club flyer invitations he wanted.

Megin’s mom is hilarious. She’s one of those old people that just says whatever they’re thinking. She just straight out says that she doesn’t want Megin and Johnny to get married. She also says something about trying to find shoes that have suction cups on the bottom so she can hang off of the ceiling. I have no idea what that means. She’s full of weird sayings.

“Pass the bread, the bologna’s flying” – actual quote by Megin’s mom

Megin decides that she needs to talk to her pastor to see if he will marry them. I figure this is something that should have been done before now. Megin doesn’t want to talk to the pastor because last time she saw him she was engaged to a different guy and had a kid out of wedlock and now she is getting married to another guy and has another kid out of wedlock. Eh, I figure pastors aren’t really that shocked by that stuff anymore. It reminds me of the time my ex-boyfriend and I went to church with his grandparents and he though he was going to burst into flames for being there. Granted, he probably should have, if for no other reason than to make my life better.

Tonight is Johnny’s bachelor party. He says that at his last bachelor party, someone ended up with an IV in them, so he needs to make it better this time around. Just don’t invite Mama Marilyn then. Megin’s rules are: No strippers, home by 2 am, and no shots. Johnny doesn’t really care and is probably going to do what he wants.

Johnny and his one friend go to a club called Dragonfly. I guess people were supposed to meet them there, but no one has showed up. So Johnny’s one friend calls some of his friends, who don’t even know Johnny, to come to the bachelor party. Johnny says that he doesn’t care because guys get along with anyone. Except for their wives apparently.

So, Dragonfly has “bikini cowgirls” and a mechanical bull. I find the name Dragonfly kind of misleading for a cowboy bar. Dragonfly sounds like one of those douchy clubs that the Jersey Shore kids would go to. One of the cowgirls gets Johnny up on the bull with her. Well, I guess she’s not technically a stripper.

I hope these girls get paid a lot.

Next, they head to an “upscale restaurant and cabaret” called The Harem. Your guess is as good as mine on that one.

Apparently, that’s an upscale way of saying “strip club”

Johnny says that he’s already had a few shots, so what the hell – he might as well break a few more rules. This is possibly the weirdest strip club I’ve ever seen. But please note that my strip club experience is limited to television shows and movies. I’m going to try and explain what happens next to the best of my ability. A girl is on all fours in some sort of an open shower looking thing while guys squirt orange paint at her ass.

Seriously. What the hell is going on?

Now it’s 4 am and Johnny is still at the strip club. Someone asks him if he wants a lap dance, so he’s not going anywhere.

Joey/Sandra:

Joey and Sandra (who were MIA last week) only have 19 days until their wedding.  I’m more interested in the fact that they appear to have a water bed. People still have those? I can’t imagine sleeping in one with another person. Every time someone moves you’d sway back and forth. That would drive me nuts.

If anyone would like to point me to where that bedspread is from, I’d love you forever. I love it.

Joey and Sandra are having a joint bachelor/bachelorette party with their friends and some relatives. Sandra’s brother Joey calls her and says he is coming over to pre-game. Who the hell pre-games for a bachelor party? Isn’t that kind of overkill? Joey agrees with me. Sandra’s Joey. Sandra’s fiance Joey. Lord, I’m already getting the Joeys confused.

They also rented a party bus. Why have I never heard of these before? Sandra is already getting wasted about five minutes down the road. Someone decided to give her a penis headband and a penis wand that she is poking everyone with. Apparently party buses are no good. Do they always end in embarrassment and  alcohol poisoning?

She can probably fit a whole bottle of champagne in her pimp cup.

Crazy Eyes Joey tells her to slow down on the alcohol consumption and Brother Joey tells him to lay off. Except they both say this in a much less nice way and with way more f-bombs. Crazy Eyes goes apeshit and threatens to hurt everyone on the bus and tells Sandra she needs to figure out which side she wants to be on – his or Brother Joey’s.

Craaaaaaaaaazy eyes.

They make it to the club, but don’t make it out of the parking lot. Crazy Eyes is screaming at everyone and Sandra is taking her brother’s side, which pisses Crazy Eyes off even more. Sandra is crying because everyone is upset and Joey yells that “this is what he’s got for the rest of his life”. Really? What a jackass.

After making a huge scene, Joey decides to just go home. He makes it halfway to the bus before he turns around and runs after Brother Joey and says he’s going to “take him out” for “ruining his time”. We end with Sandra threatening to break a cameraman’s jaw. I guess we’ll see what happens next week.

I guess they’re clubbing at a grocery store?

Next week: Megin’s bachelorette party, Alyssa and Tyler have a fight, and Tammie and Danny are back!!

What did you guys think? Do you miss Tammie and Danny’s craziness? What the hell was going on in that strip club with the orange paint? Will Mama Marilyn drink at the wedding? (If you answer no, you’re lying). Does Joey need to calm the fuck down or what? Talk to me!