My Big Friggin’ Wedding: Tammie Keeps it Classy

I hope everyone had a safe and happy new years! I know I’m excited about several shows coming back in January: V, Jersey Shore, and Big Love! Plus a new set of trainwrecks on Teen Mom. Anyways, It’s about time for this friggin’ wedding trainwreck to be over. One more episode…

Previously: Megin went to a male strip club at her bachelorette party, Alyssa has an asshole wedding planner who makes fun of her dress, and Danny is a complete douchebag.

Danny/Tammie

This week we start out with Tammie. She’s getting ready for her bachelorette party and she’s still pissed at Danny. She already thinks that there might be a divorce in her future. Well, that’s an uplifting way to think a week before your wedding. Danny says that Tammie is being a bitch and he doesn’t even want to talk to her.  I’d just skip the marriage part so she doesn’t have to deal with the divorce.

This is actually the prettiest I think I’ve seen her look.

After kissing that damn dog, Tammie and the girls all gather in a limo to head out on the town. Apparently Tammie’s mom is at this bachelorette party. Oh great. Another BFF mom. At the club, Tammie hoochie dances all over while chugging beers. She even does her White Girl Bootie Pop, much to the displeasure of my eyeballs.

“We’re going to be wild, but classy. Because you know I keep it classy.” -Actual quote by Tammie

Tammy gets really trashed and decides to leave the club. She goes outside and starts yelling shit – it’s pretty funny. She blabs about Danny and then starts crying because her feet are too wide. She ends up crying in a payphone booth with her shoes in a dumpster. She tries to call Danny, but she accidentally dials the wrong number and ends up pouring her heart out to the poor stranger who answers the phone.

I don’t even think that’s a dumpster. I guess this club just throws their trash out on the curb.

The girls are heading home in the limo when Danny finally calls Tammie back. Her mom is pulling a Mama Marilyn and puking all over. Tammie wants Danny to help her mom in from the limo when they get back home. Danny says he’ll wait up for her and hangs up. By the way, that limo is disgusting. Girls are puking in plastic cups and flopped over passed out. Someone is going to regret signing those wavers to appear on TV.

Really.

I want to make sure those of you that don’t actually watch the show get the full experience.

Tammie finally makes it home, and Danny is asleep. Tammie charges in the bedroom like a bull and demands that he go help her mother out of the car. Danny refuses, so Tammie resorts to throwing baby powder all over him and calling him names. Both of them would benefit from lessons in communication. Neither one has any respect for each other or listens to what the other says. There is no way this doesn’t end in divorce.

Now Tammie is outside on the patio bitching to her friends about Danny. She tells them about when she found him looking up escorts on Craigslist. Tammie has shitty friends who don’t even believe her. They tell her to stay with Danny unless he makes a really fucked up mistake. This lady seriously needs better friends. I don’t care how long she’s been with this guy, this is in no way, shape, or form a healthy relationship.

Tammie says that she isn’t going to call off the wedding, she’d rather just wait and get divorced on down the line. Her friend agrees with me that that is a stupid idea and asks Tammie why she’s bothering marrying him at all if it’s not meant to be. Good question, lady. Tammie says, and I quote, “I love that man to death. He disrespects me, yes, but I can’t walk away.” What. The. Fuck. This is a terrible, terrible relationship. I can’t even say that enough.

Tammie goes to talk to Danny, but he’s sleeping and doesn’t want to talk to her. She starts practically molesting him and asks if he wants to have sex and make a baby. NO, TAMMIE, NO! Can someone take this girl down to Planned Parenthood for some birth control, stat?

Why are they both fully dressed in bed? She’s wearing a party dress and he’s in a polo shirt.

The next day, Tammie and her wedding party and getting facials and body wraps. I’m totally jealous. I’m a sucker for spa treatments. Why do they have to be so damn expensive? The spa lady scrubs Tammie down in some sort of white, scrubby goo to get rid of dead skin before her body wrap.

Sigh. I want to be in a spa right now.

During her facial, Tammie tells the esthetician that Danny loves facials, but he gets them from the “Chinese ladies”. Hahahahaha. The esthetician asks if they give happy endings and Tammie says that she never thought about that. Then we hear something that I desperately want to un-hear. Tammie says that Danny doesn’t like “his pee-pee sucked”. AHHHH! Really? Was that necessary, Tammie?

Fuck you, Tammie. My ears hate you.

Tammie then tells the spa lady about Danny going to the strip club, but she thinks that Danny doesn’t know that she knows he was there. I’m also pretty sure that he doesn’t give a damn if she knows or not. Then she tells us that she probably won’t cancel the wedding because her dress is so beautiful and she can always get an annulment. Can someone please punch this woman in the face? Or just lock her up far away from society?

Tammie and Danny are having a romantic dinner together and Tammie brings up the up the strip club. Danny admits that he lied because he didn’t want Tammie flipping out. Danny mentions that a stripper might have touched him (UNDERSTATEMENT – that stripper was bouncing his head off her ass last time I checked) and Tammie says that if she ever sees a stripper touch him she will literally kill. I don’t think she understands the word “literally”, because I highly doubt she’d kill anyone. She can’t even leave her asshole fiance, how’s she going to kill anyone?

Tammie says that he can’t ever go to a strip club again because he “ruined it” for her. I don’t get it. What did he ruin for her? He asks her if he can go if one if his friends gets married and she says no. Tammie tells him she wants their marriage to last forever and she asks Danny if he would ever leave her. He tells her no, where else would he go at 42 years old? Hahaha. He pretty much tells her that if he were younger he wouldn’t be with her. Tammie is an idiot.

Tyler/Alyssa

Alyssa is meeting with Douchebag Wedding Planner (DWP). He tells her she is going to wear rooster feathers in her hair. DWP calls them “cockfeathers” and they all predictably giggle like they’re in Jr. High. While Alyssa and one of her friends are talking to DWP, Tyler walks in the house and goes straight upstairs, even when Alyssa yells for him. He says that he doesn’t know why he has to sit there when he doesn’t even say anything. He kind of has a point. The women want to make all the wedding decisions, but want the guy to sit and watch them do it for some reason.

I’m sure that’s a wedding related list he’s typing out there.

DWP asks Alyssa where her maid of honor is because he’s never met her. I wasn’t aware that the wedding planner had to be formally introduced to the entire wedding party. DWP explains that when you accept the role of maid of honor, you’re accepting a job. Oh dear Lord, it’s just a stupid wedding. People take these things WAY to seriously. If people put as much time and effort into the marriage as they do the wedding, the divorce rate would plummet.

Alyssa decides to fire her maid of honor and replace her with the girl sitting next to her. I don’t care enough to figure out her name. The girl isn’t really thrilled by this idea.  Mostly because she is scared of the former maid of honor killing her in her sleep. Girls take this shit seriously. Alyssa decides to just keep her current maid of honor to avoid any bloodshed.

Tyler is having his bachelor party in Atlantic City. Tyler compares his upcoming wedding to heading towards the executioner’s chair. Tyler, come on. You’re usually the most likable guy here. Don’t become a douchebag on me now. Meanwhile, Alyssa is back home having her own party, complete with male strippers.

I wonder if these guys get paid extra to do this on TV.

Now, it’s only a couple of days before Alyssa and Tyler’s wedding, and they have yet to get a marriage license. You need to get them 72 hours before the wedding in their state and right now, it’s 75 hours before the wedding. Heh. Lucky for me, Vegas has no waiting period, because I didn’t know that either. Alyssa goes down to the courthouse and they closed at 4:30 and tell her to come back in the morning. Alyssa gets all bitchy to the lady, but it’s completely her fault. Shouldn’t have DWP told her all this anyways? Is she paying him to just bitch about everything?

So, the lady tells Alyssa that they open back up at 8:30 tomorrow morning, but Alyssa has class. She begs the lady to please do it for her now, but the lady refuses since they are closed. The lady tells her it takes fifteen minutes to do the license and she’s already late for an appointment. Alyssa is pissed and wants to know how that lady knows how long it takes. Um…maybe because it’s her JOB? And why can’t she just skip class? I know I’ve skipped class for dumber reasons – like I was hungry and wanted Taco Bell.

Later, Alyssa is trying to go over wedding plans with Tyler. He doesn’t give a shit and says that Alyssa is going way over budget. One of their grandparents gave them $20,000 for the reception and they’re putting the rest up on credit cards. Ok, I really want to know what happened since the first episode when Alyssa was bragging about how rich they were.  Tyler says they are 10-15 thousand dollars in the red. Oh my God. They’ve spent over THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS ON A WEDDING WHICH LASTS ONE DAY??? What the fuck is wrong with these people? That could fund their kid’s college education!

Alyssa doesn’t think she is is that far over budget, then Tyler reminds her about how she bought two wedding dresses (!?!) and spent way too much on the photographer. Alyssa calls him a “cheap motherfucker”. My husband is cheap too, but I figure that’s much better than the opposite. At least I know I’ll be comfortable when we’re old. Women in my family live to be like 95, so I’d rather not be in some cheap ass nursing home if I don’t have to.

Megin/Johnny

Megin is picking out jewelry for her bridesmaids….which, WTF? Who is that anal that they have to pick out their bridesmaid’s jewelry? Turns out, it was all a ruse to get Megin to a surprise bridal shower. They could have came up with something better than that as an excuse to get her over there.

What the hell is a hot n’ cold basket?

Mama Joyce is there and she is still completely against this marriage. She is drinking what looks to be mimosas and I think had a few too many. She asks one of the guests what garage sale she found Megin’s present at and makes fun of the fact that Megin didn’t send out formal invitations. Megin is getting sick of her wisecracks and they argue back in forth in front of their guests, which is just awkward. No wonder Megin didn’t want a wedding shower.

Today is Johnny and Megin’s wedding. I still kind of like this couple. Johnny’s kind of an idiot, but likable and I love Megin’s sense of humor. Anyways, Megin heads out to get her hair done for the ceremony. At the salon, Megin gets her Jersey poof in her hair and heads to the wedding venue.

Dunkin’ Donuts is a great way to start your wedding day.

Johnny and the guys arrive in a limo, while Megin gets her makeup done in the back of the venue . Mama Joyce is there and she needs a glass of wine. Megin figures she can’t get too drunk on one glass of wine, so they get her one. Uh oh. This isn’t going to be good.

That might be the ugliest couch ever.

The boys are all set up for the wedding ceremony, and while they are waiting, Megin’s oldest son decides to do the moonwalk down the aisle. Have I mentioned how much I love this kid?? He cracks me up. I can tell he got some of his wit from his mother.

So adorable. He’s even wearing one glove.

We finally start the wedding. Johnny and Megin both decided to write their own vows and for once I’m not bored to tears during a wedding. Johnny’s vows actually RHYME. He’s such a lovable idiot. Mama Joyce looks ready to cry, but not from boredom.

“Megin is marrying a douchebag, and I’m paying for it.” -Actual quote from Mama Joyce.

At the reception, Mama Joyce is busy getting trashed and trash talking her daughter and Johnny. Meanwhile, Johnny and Megin are wheeled out a cart with their roast suckling pig on it. For some reason, the pig is dressed like a rapper with gold chains, a grill, and a top hat.

Wow. There are no words for how weird this is.

I guess they literally decided to go with the circus theme, because next they have clowns coming in. Oh well, they both seem to be having a good time. Mama Joyce, however, is not. She is pissed. She says the whole thing is stupid.

This seriously might be the most bizarre wedding I’ve ever seen. First the pig, then the clowns, then all of a sudden some random dude comes out and starts singing Frank Sinatra songs. Everyone stops dancing and Megin doesn’t even know who this guy is.

I guess Megin’s parents paid this guy five hundred dollars to sing at the wedding, because Megin tells them she’ll pay them back if she asks him to stop singing. So after his song, they kick the guy off the stage and start playing club music again. Well, the old guy gets whiny and bitches to Megin’s parents. Dude, you’re still getting paid. You just got off work early. What’s he pissed about?

This sets Mama Joyce on the warpath. She says she is going to “kick Megin’s ass”. She bring some random guy over to Megin and tells her that he wants to hear fake Sinatra sing another song. Megin doesn’t want anymore slow music, so her and her mom threaten to kill each other. Seriously. They starts screaming at each other and Moma Joyce wants to know why she wasn’t involved in the reception planning. Megin ends up telling her mom to shove her money up her ass.

Another reason why I got married in Vegas. This looks stressful.

Megin runs through the reception hall screaming, “Fuck her!” over and over. Johnny tells Megin to calm down and don’t let this ruin her wedding. So everyone starts dancing again and Mama Joyce gets comfy at the bar. Then Johnny comes out and starts singing some meatball song he wrote. This wedding cannot get anymore bizarre.

“When I get Johnny’s meatballs, I get terrible stomach pains and diarrhea.” -More pearls of wisdom from Mama Joyce

All in all, they both enjoyed their wedding, even though Johnny’s favorite part was his meatball song. Of course it was.

Next time on the season finale: Alyssa’s DWP quits two days before her wedding and Tammie flips the fuck out at her wedding.

What did you guys think? Are you ready to get this season done with? See you next week for the finale!