Big Friggin’ Wedding: Arrival of Baby Meatballs

Previously on My Big Friggin’ Wedding: Matt and Amanda had a fight over boring shit so Matt went to a club and had a girl bounce her ass off his chest, Alyssa doesn’t have a clue as to what she wants at her wedding and is way behind schedule, Johnny Meatballs and Megin went to therapy and Danny wants Tammie to sign a pre-nup.

Remember this?

Johnny/Megin:

This week we start with Johnny Meatballs and Megin. Megin is going in for a C-section tomorrow and Johnny is more freaked out than she is. He tells her to think about “little baby meatballs coming out of the oven”. Ew. I just got a really bad visual of meatballs coming out of a vagina. Moving on.

Megin decides to help him overcome his nervousness by making him watch Youtube videos of C-sections. You can watch that on Youtube?? Thank God, Vh1 blurs out the video for us. I’m still scarred from that video we had to watch in 8th grade science class of the very…ahem…hairy…lady giving birth. I always wondered how on earth they got that lady to sign a consent form that allowed her FACE (not to mention everything else) to be shown to a bunch of high schoolers. I guess she figured no one was looking at her face.

Who puts this shit on Youtube?!?

It’s time for Megin’s C-section and she is caking on the makeup and doing her hair. Um…have you EVER seen a woman give birth and NOT look like hell? You might as well do it without mascara running down your face. She also sprays perfume on her crotch so it smells good. Ew. Megin tells us that she doesn’t feel sexy pregnant, so she wants this kid out right now. Does anyone else notice that Megin has the exact same accent as Sammi from Jersey Shore? It really distracts me.

He actually makes Megin drive herself to her C-section.

They drive to the hospital and Johnny is still really nervous. Poor kid. Good think she’s not having a vaginal birth. He’d totally pass out within 5 seconds.  Finally, the baby (who Johnny affectionately calls “Baby Meatballs”) is born. It’s a boy, who they name Christian Dean. Johnny is so excited and I almost had hope that a baby might mature him a little bit until he makes the baby do a Jersey Shore style fist pump. Sigh.

Baby Meatballs

Johnny is all impressed that in the last six months he has gotten engaged, gotten Megin pregnant, and had a kid. Um…that timeline doesn’t really work there, buddy. Anyways, now they are moving to a new house and are trying to pack all their shit up with a new baby and some random kid at their house. Did one of them have another kid? Because I’ve never seen this kid before.

Oh my God. He’s the Jersey Billy Bob Thornton.

Johnny is like a 5-year-old and keeps stalling and wanting to keep random crap. This is exactly what I go through everytime Mr. Stardust and I move. He wants to keep the most useless shit. He has this plastic container full of random mismatched silverware that he moved from house to house for YEARS until I finally threw it out.  Megin wants to throw out some random picture of Jesus and Johnny freaks out. This is one of my  favorite arguments of the season so far. Johnny says that you can’t throw away Jesus and tells Megin that she’s going to hell. Megin figures she’s already going there since she had two kids out of wedlock. So I guess Random Kid is hers.

They’re going through cookbooks in the kitchen and Johnny tells Megin that one day he will have a Johnny Meatballs cookbook. Megin says exactly what I’m thinking when she tells him there will only be one page in it. She also tells him that it’s probably not the best idea to give away your “famous” (and only) recipe for free.

This leads them into an argument about how Johnny needs to get a job. Megin then starts second guessing their decision to get married. Johnny says he doesn’t really care since he’s already been divorced and married and that he’s being “nice” by agreeing to get married again. He’s really bad at this whole arguing thing. Megin tells him that she didn’t have to get pregnant and give him a kid and his big comeback is “let’s get real, nobody has one kid”. I’ll let you folks try and decipher that one out on your own.

Tyler/Alyssa:

Alyssa apparently decided to keep that asshole wedding planner who kept telling her to show more boob in her wedding dress fitting. He’s a really bad wedding planner too. He acts all pissy when Alyssa doesn’t have stuff planned…isn’t that HIS job? Alyssa does show up with her guest list written on a piece of notebook paper!  Wedding planner Tony is not amused. He thinks she should have started this stuff a year ago. I don’t really get the whole planning your wedding for a year or more thing. It just seems stressful and a waste of time. Of course I was only engaged for five weeks before my wedding, so what do I know?

Why does Alyssa look eight months pregnant?

Alyssa and Tyler still haven’t gotten all their RSVPs back yet either. See? I told you that no one ever gets all those back. You might as well just expect that. They can’t figure out how many people are coming to the wedding because Tony the Ass took the rest of them. No one knows why. Alyssa doesn’t even have a clue how many invitations were sent out. Uhhh…might want to at least know that.

It’s also Alyssa and Tyler’s fifth anniversary. Alyssa and her daughter (who we barely see, so I don’t remember her name) are wrapping Tyler’s present and Alyssa says that if he doesn’t get her a present, then she is going to make him take her out to get one and make him spent way more money. That’s kind of a good idea. Anyways, Tyler does pretty good and brings home a pair of earrings from Tiffany’s. I’m impressed. I had to drag Mr. Stardust into Tiffany’s last year and picked out my own present while he just kind of looked uncomfortable to be anywhere in the vicinity of a jewelry store.

Ehh…I could have found these at Target though.

Oh, and Tyler got a couple of t-shirts. Ha. He better get used to that. Women always get more expensive presents. Men are so hard to buy gifts for. Any expensive toys they want, they just go out and buy for themselves because they’re too impatient to wait until a holiday.

So the couple ends up at some seedy Mexican restaurant to celebrate their anniversary. Alyssa wants Tyler to help her with the wedding planning and he asks her what she has going on right now.  She tells him that she is planning a wedding, taking care of her daughter, and running a household. Tyler seems to think that means she sits on her ass and eats Pringles on the couch. No, that’s what you do when you DON’T have kids. Not that I would know or anything.

Matt/Amanda:

Amanda is at a hair salon getting something called a “hair trial”. I guess that is where the salons trick you into paying them to do your hair twice for one event? She should have went to Tammie’s salon so Tammie could give her and Matt tips on how to be less boring. Step number one: fake a pregnancy.

She actually looks really pretty though.

Amanda also has her wedding shower scheduled for today. Matt has his panties in a bunch because Amanda is still at the salon and is going to be late for the shower. So, Matt is going? Do men go to wedding showers? I always got mad when my mom made me go to them with her because my brother never had to go. I hated those stupid clothes pin games.

Matt is such a gentleman that he honks his horn in the salon parking lot while he bitches about being late. They get in another stupid fight about her being late and it’s SO BORING. Matt decides to take out his frustration on other Jersey drivers and honks his horn and screams. Geez, it’s not that big of a deal. People probably won’t even notice. I figure most people just go for the food.

They finally make to the shower and Amanda decides that the wind is blowing her hair to hard for her to walk inside. Matt is getting even more pissed and even tries to hold his coat over her head, but he says it still took them fifteen minutes to make it inside. Matt immediately heads for the bar and orders two drinks at once. And remember: this is a LUNCHTIME wedding shower. While Matt is buying rounds for the whole two other men who didn’t realize that wedding showers are for women only, Amanda is opening her gifts alone.

He’s going to make a fine husband and father one day.

Tonight is Matt’s bachelor party. I think that Amanda should go since he somehow got invited to her wedding shower and acted like a dick the whole time. Amanda just assumes there will be strippers. Matt and his friends get picked up in a limo like it’s their senior prom or something and head to the strip club.

Matt tells us that there is “nothing better in the world than a nice filet mignon, medium rare, an ice cold drink, and big breasts right in his face”. The strip bar is also a restaurant I guess, so the girls come in while they are eating and one of them sits on Matt’s lap and asks him if he wants to go somewhere private. Oh, this is going to turn out well. Does he not know this is on camera??

Yep…it’s a “classy” strip club.

Amanda is back at home having wine with one of her friends.  She says that she isn’t quite as worried since they went to a “classy establishment”. Is there a such thing as a classy strip club? So by the time they leave, Matt is totally trashed. It’s 5 am and jumps into bed with Amanda and asks to see her tits. She tells him to leave, but he invited all his friends into the bedroom to annoy the shit out of her.

Danny/Tammie:

Danny somehow got the job of doing the seating chart for the wedding reception. I can’t believe that Tammie let him do that on his own. I’ve always kind of liked Danny (mostly for not really giving a shit about Tammie’s drama), but he is really amusing me here. He is using the black thumbtacks to mark “his black people” that are coming to the wedding. For some reason, Tammie’s family is white and…green?

Maybe the pink is the kid’s table?

I guess he decided to take it upon himself to do this, because Tammie shows up and is not happy that he started the seating chart without her. The poor guy. He is so proud of himself and Tammie is just bitching at him. Then he tries to explain his color-coding system to her. He also says that he put his Haitian people by the door in case a racial fight breaks out so they can escape. Hahahahahahaha. He’s totally serious too. Tammie, with all her tactfulness, asks Danny if he’s sure “his people” will understand this whole thing. She asks if they even know numbers. She probably thinks they lost them all in the earthquake.

Tammie decides that she needs a “wedding headquarters” so she can think about all this. Oh Lord. Why can’t people sit wherever the hell they want at a wedding? So Tammie and Danny start bickering about the seating chart and it is fucking hilarious. Danny keeps referring to his family as “his people” and when Tammie pulls one of his pins out of the chart, he freaks out and tells her that she “just pulled Colleen”.  I love this guy.

Poor Colleen.

Danny’s daughter, Stephanie, comes in to help with the seating and Tammie asks them who “Henick Valous”  (that’s the best spelling I can come up with) is. Tammie says that that name isn’t Italian, so she doesn’t know who it is. Does Tammie only have Italian friends? Danny or Stephanie don’t have a clue who it is either, so they decide to skip him. Tammie thinks that no one else is taking this seriously, so she leaves. I mean, it’s a seating chart. Does it really matter? People can move – or hell, you can just LEAVE if you don’t like who is at your table. Knowing Tammie’s friends, they’ll probably all be at the bar the whole time anyways.

Now we are back onto the pre-nup issue. Tammie tries to seduce Danny into not making her sign one. Danny ignores her and goes to sleep and tells her she has to sign it by Friday. Heh. Did I mention that I like this guy?

Joey/Sandra

Joey and Sandra are going over their reception menus today. Ten bucks says they have hummus. Yuck. The only thing I can pronounce on their menu is the prime rib. That actually sounds pretty good, even if the rest of the menu sounds like shit. They also do a walk through of the reception hall and outside where the wedding will be. It’s actually a really gorgeous place.

Do you think she’ll trip at the wedding?

Back at home, Sandra is still trying to learn how to cook. She is really, really bad. She can’t even touch raw meat without squealing. Of course Joey just makes fun of her and doesn’t, you know, try and help or anything. Is he allergic to the kitchen? Finally after she tries to use a meat tenderizer on frozen chicken and pours about half a bottle of garlic powder on it, he decides to order pizza.

That is seriously the biggest fucking meat tenderizer I have ever seen.

Then we meet Joey’s brother, Frank. Great, there’s two of them. Him and Joey act like assholes and eat pizza at one end of the table while poor Sandra tries to serve the dinner she made. It probably does taste terrible, but at least she tried and he could be a little bit nicer to her. Maybe I just sympathize since I’m a terrible cook as well. At least I know where my talents lie (hamburgers and tacos) and I don’t venture much beyond my skill level.

Next week: Alyssa has her bachelorette party (and her mom makes another drunk and puking appearance), Megin regrets leaving her ex, and Tammie throws another fit over the pre-nup.

So what do you guys think? Do you think Johnny and Megin will even make it to the wedding? Is Danny not hilarious? Are you excited to see Alyssa’s mom again?