My Big Friggin’ Wedding: The End is Nigh

Hey, Gasmii! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas/holiday weekend. Whatever you decided to celebrate, I hope it was a good one! I got to spend way to much time with my entirely insane family. I love them, but can’t take much more than a week at a time.

Previously on My Big Friggin’ Wedding:  Tammie finally signed the damn prenup, Alyssa and her mom are fighting like Jr. High girls, Johnny has a bachelor party, and Joey tries to beat up Sandra’s brother. Oh, and Matt and Amanda got married, so hopefully we’re done with them.

Megin/Johnny:

We are back at The Harem: Upscale Restaurant and Cabaret. Johnny says that Megin has nothing to fear because he’s keeping it very mild and low-key. Then we again see Johnny throwing orange paint at the stripper’s ass while she showers. I still don’t get what the hell this is. Does this turn men on?

Mild. Low-Key. Upscale. Totally what I think of when I see this picture.

It’s now 4 am, and Johnny is finally going home. He figures that Megin will overlook the fact that he went to a strip club (excuse me, UPSCALE CABARET) and is two hours past his curfew because he didn’t hardly spend any money. How the hell do you go to a strip club and not spend money? Do Jersey strippers only accept orange body paint as payment for their services?

By the time he makes it home, it’s after 5 am. Megin is waiting up for him and asks him where they went. He tells her and she’s not really shocked that he went to the strip club. She says it’s disgusting that her fiance was at a strip club all night and thinks it is disrespectful. I kind of have to agree there. Guys: please go to strip clubs and get it out of your system while you’re single. I don’t get the whole idea of doing it before you get married. It’s just going to make her mad.

The next morning, Johnny wakes up and I’m pretty sure he’s still partially drunk. He is staggering all over the kitchen while Megin tells their infant son that “Daddy saw some whores last night” and tells him to cry every time his dad holds him. Heh. I kind of love Megin.

Megin tells him that she said no strippers and apparently Harem is one of the worst strip clubs. Johnny says it’s clean because the girl was taking a shower. Megin is not amused. He tells her about the orange body paint and she gets PISSED. I agree, that is pretty disgusting and kind of weird.

Johnny says that he’s Catholic so he can just do his Hail Marys and be exonerated. Johnny then proceeds to ask Jesus to forgive him for painting a stripper with body paint.

Even Jesus probably laughs at this idiot.

Tonight, it’s Megin’s turn for her Bachelorette party. Now Johnny is all pissy, even though he doesn’t have any place to be after his night at the strip club.  He gives Megin the same rules that he had: no strip clubs and be home by 2 am. For some reason, Johnny seems to know a lot about male strip clubs. Of course, I’m pretty sure he’s making it up. He says that they wear a leather sock with beading and make your put your dollar bills between their balls. Um…wow. Megin says that she is not touching anyone’s balls. Therein lies the difference between men and women. Men would touch absolutely ANYONE’S boobs. ANYONE. You’d have a hard time finding a female who wants to touch a strange man’s balls.

Johnny kindly demonstrates for us.

Megin is heading out with her girls in a limo. They take Megin to Hunk-a-Mania…which is I guess is a rip-off of the Chippendale dancers? They end up pulling Megin up on stage and she gets a lap dance from a guy in army fatigues. Megin says that if she knew that was going to happen, she would have worn pants or at least better underwear. The guy kind of is all up in her business. He ends up on top of her on the floor at one point.

He kind of looks like he’s punching her in the face.

The next day, Megin’s mom is visiting and I hope she gives us some more awesome old lady sayings. Earlier that day, Megin’s wedding dress arrived and everyone wants her to try it on. It’s not very traditional at all, but it’s kind of cute. It’s short and has a little shrug with it. Megin tells Johnny that he better stand up straight and tall while she’s wearing her heels.

It kind of reminds me of those slutty nurse Halloween costumes for some reason. But cuter.

While Megin is changing back into her clothes, Johnny is telling her mom all about his stuffed pig he is getting at the wedding. He tells her that is going to be at his and Megin’s table while Megin is screaming from the other room that he’s lying. He also says they are having a a carnival theme and corndogs. Hahahaha. He totally would too. What happened to the club wedding?

She looks thrilled.

So, Mama Joyce is still totally against this wedding. She sits Megin down to talk (without Johnny) and asks her why she is getting married. Megin says that she really loves him. Mama Joyce is like, “Yeah, so?”. I love this woman.  She pretty much tells Megin to take the baby and run while she can. She says that if Megin fucks it up, she fucks it up. Then she apologizes to the older kid (who has been sitting on the couch between them during this talk for some reason) for saying a bad word.

I’m sure he’s heard worse if he attends public school.

Now it’s time for Words of Wisdom with Mama Joyce re: Megin and Johnny’s marriage:
“It’s not going to work. I have a crystal ball. And I see.”

Sandra/Joey:

I guess we don’t get to see if Joey actually punched Sandra’s brother, since they are now already back home. We flashback to the Battle of the Joeys outside of the club/grocery store. Sandra is crying and Joey tells her to suck it up and get over it. She just wants everyone to get along. Joey comes back with a proposition. For the next week, they are going to try and not argue at all.

This is Sandra’s reaction.

I guess this week we get to see Sandra and Joey’s wedding. They’re really doing these in order of boringness, aren’t they? One of Joey’s groomsmen suggests going rogue and taking their tuxes and flying to Vegas. All the men start drinking immediately, so I figure they’ll be nice and sloshed by the wedding.

Sandra is at her parent’s house getting ready. Luckily, she fits in her dress. She says it tortured her for two months. Dear Lord. I can’t imagine buying my dress a year in advance and just hoping that I fit into it by then. I bought my dress three weeks before my wedding and I thought the people at the bridal store were going to have a stroke. I thought you just went in there, bought a dress, and took it home.

Her poor dad is already crying.

Joey and the groomsmen are still drinking on the way to the wedding. I’ll be impressed if he even remembers the damn thing. We have to watch them take pictures and it’s super boring. They go to the lobby to take pictures and Sandra gets pissy because some guests are arriving early. She says that she worked hard on her body and wants to show off in her dress at the wedding and not before. Then don’t take pictures in the lobby, dumbass. Where are the guests supposed to go? Sneak through the back entrance?

Joey is pretty pissed that Sandra’s being such a baby, but he tells her they’ll take pictures after the ceremony. So, Sandra goes in the back and starts crying. I don’t even know what she’s upset about. She starts babbling about not wanting anyone to see her in her dress and Joey being mad about having to take pictures during cocktail hour instead of getting trashed. Some lady tells her that pictures are over and they’ll finish after the ceremony and then whisk them over to cocktail hour.

No one cares as much as she thinks.

Finally, the wedding starts and it’s predictably boring. It’s a wedding. We’ve all seen at least thirty, so there’s no need to explain it all to you.

Blah blah.

At the reception, Sandra is like a kid in Disney World. She’s all excited and Joey is probably just looking for a bar. According to Sandra, the reception is like old Hollywood glamour meets the Godfather meets the craziest party you’ve ever been to. Well, they haven’t seen anything until they see Megin and Johnny’s Rocky meets a carnival meets a Jersey club wedding.

They have a mermaid cheese sculpture. Not even kidding.

Tammie/Danny

We finally get to catch up with Danny and Tammie, after they went missing from last weeks episode. Apparently, Danny is looking up girls for his bachelor party on the Internet and Tammie is not happy. She starts throwing shit and yelling that Danny is embarrassing her. Turns out, he was looking up escorts, not strippers. Danny says he didn’t know the difference, but come on. HUGE difference.

I don’t know if it’s the language barrier or what, but Danny cracks me up.

Tammie starts crying and says that she doesn’t even want to marry Danny anymore. Blah blah. I can’t even figure out why they’re together. Have we ever seen them NOT arguing with each other? Danny’s an asshole and tells her to call off the wedding because he doesn’t really care. Tammy throws cereal or something all over the floor and leaves. This might be the worst relationship ever.

Seriously, what IS that?

Danny decided to have his bachelor party anyways, even though his wedding might be called off. On the way there in the limo, he receives a text message from Tammie telling him the wedding is off and she’s done. This is everyone’s reaction:

The asshole meter just keeps climbing.

Danny then makes a slightly disturbing remark about how he’s going to become a United States citizen without her. Now I get it! He’s using her for a green card and she’s using him for his money. Thank God Tammie never ended up being pregnant. This is a trainwreck.

Danny and the boys (well, men, since he’s at least pushing 40) are at a steakhouse and still making fun of Tammie. I’m actually starting to feel bad for her. Danny makes another comment about his citizenship and says that he is glad that she stopped calling so he can enjoy his night.

After their steaks, they go to a strip club called Taste of Honey. I love strip club names. Umm, apparently I am out of touch with what goes on in strip clubs because this one is kind of weird too. I was under the assumption that women got naked and danced on poles and that was it. Maybe some lap dances. Last episode we had Johnny squirting a stripper’s ass with orange paint while she showered and tonight we get a stripper wrapping her legs around Danny’s neck and pulling his face back and forth into her ass. I don’t know how else to explain it. It was weird.

Is this normal strip club behavior? Someone please tell me, I’m intrigued now.

Danny arrives back home at 3 am and hopes Tammie is sleeping. She’s not. She tries to shove him out of their bedroom, but he comes in anyways to get pajamas. Then he actually has the balls to climb into bed with Tammie. She says that he smells like baby powder and ass. Yep, they’re totally going to make it.

Alyssa/Tyler

Alyssa and Tyler decide to have a barbecue for their friends and family the weekend before their wedding. Alyssa’s mom shows up with her ex-husband. The one she left after she cheated on him. They’re both giggling like Jr. High kids and tell everyone that they spent last night together. So to clarify, she is now cheating WITH the guy that she cheated ON. Oh dear Lord.

I don’t think he’s quite as thrilled as she is. My guess is that they were both drunk and he doesn’t know how to tell her it was an accident.

The happy couple doesn’t last long when ex-husband Larry asks Mama Marilyn where her rings are. Alyssa tells him that Mama Marilyn gave them to her to sell so she could buy her own wedding bands. Larry is pissed. What happened to Alyssa having all this money and bragging about having a “big ass house” and a Mercedes? She had to hock her mom’s rings for money?

Mama Marilyn freaks out and yells at Alyssa for telling him about the rings. She told Larry that Alyssa just had the rings, not that she sold them. So now he is mad because she lied to him. Alyssa then asks if they are still going to come to her wedding together because she has them seated at different tables. Mama Marilyn tells her to just move them to sit together, but Alyssa says it’s too late to do that. They’ll just have to switch them around once they get there. Why the hell is there assigned seating at weddings anyways? Why can’t people sit where they want?

Oh, and Mama Marilyn invited three of her friends and tells Alyssa to make room for them. It’s FIVE days before the wedding. I can’t wait to see what kind of scene this woman throws at the wedding. You just know it’s going to be epic.

Later, Tyler’s friend Joe is visiting and I guess he’s the one actually marrying Alyssa and Tyler. This is Joe’s first time marrying anyone (who the hell is he anyways? A preacher? A boat captain? A guy who randomly got ordained online?) and they are all going to go over what they’re going to say during the ceremony. Tyler makes the mistake of saying that they wouldn’t be getting married if Alyssa and he didn’t have a kid together. Whoa. He’s going to be in a lot of shit for that one. Alyssa says that Tyler says a lot of mean shit when he drinks that he would never say sober. They start arguing and Tyler calls Alyssa “Marilyn”, which also doesn’t go over too well. And why is he writing his vows while drunk anyways?

Next week: Tammie’s bachelorette party (should be AMAZING), Alyssa wants to fire her Maid of Honor and Megin and Johnny get married.

What do you guys think? Are you glad to be done with Sandra and Joey? Do you think Tammie and Danny deserve each other? I can’t wait to see Tammie’s bachelorette party. I don’t know if it can top Alyssa’s, but it should be pretty good.

I hope everyone has a great New Years! Be safe and have fun!