My Antonio: Baloney and His Bimbos

****This show wasn’t assigned, but then we watched it and had to have our say. Please welcome back Twunty McSlore with My Antonio!!

Since Megan got canceled I am moving on to bigger and better things- a whole lot of chicks with a whole lot of issues, and all of them are dying to get into this guy’s pants:

Antonio Sabato Jr. was a Calvin Klein model, played Jagger on General Hospital, was on Melrose Place and banged a few Hollywood broads. He has a couple of kids here and there so he has mouths to feed, maybe even alimony to pay and those residual checks from shows in the 90s not named Friends or Seinfeld don’t put food on the table like they used to, so here we are, trollin’ for hoes.

And here they are, kids. Try not to faint from all the beauty.

Christi was a Playmate and one of Hef’s many, many girlfriends. That explains why she looks 48 while claiming to be 28. She bears a striking resemblence to Danny Bonaduce’s ex-wife so I’m calling her Gretchen.

Miranda is a 30 year old make-up artist from New York City and thinks that she’s there to fuck Jagger from General Hospital. Instead of calling her delusional, which she is, we’ll call her Mirandacure because of her unhealthy obsession with grooming and manicures. I can’t think of anything better right now because she’s so boring so let’s move on.

Nathalie is a Frenchy who first saw our Tony at a Janet Jackson shoot. Her bio said that she’s 28 so she’s cerifiably insane. If that’s true then this is some Benjamin Button’s shit that I simply do not understand. So yeah, she’s a lyin’ ho.

Courtney, or Big Blonde, and there’s always a big blonde on these shows, is 38. This is more like it. She’s less mendacious so we’ll only add ten years onto that and call it a day at 48. She spent all of the money she made doing her interior design work on plastic surgery for this show. She should have saved herself the trouble, even Antonio knows that he could have her type of gal any day of the week just by walking down Sunset and being loose with five dollar bills. Sad.

Jessica is a 21 year old dancer. She’s pretty and all but why would she want a guy who probably has fillings older than her? And what kind of “dancer” is she? Questions, questions…

Sarah. Good God, Sarah. She’s the Lost Girl. She’s a 28 year old Jersey girl with no job, no prospects and she hasn’t gotten laid in forever so Tonio has himself a go-to girl for those late night BJs. I hope that he pays for her therapy after this show is over.

Anju looks familiar to me. Was she on another show? Let me go Google her. Nope, nothing. She’s a party planner, is a bit of a wild child and is super loud. Nothing wrong with that except for the fact that Italian men will mess around with girls like her but they don’t marry them. Not if they fear their mothers, which this guy does.

Monique is a video game producer and says that Tony Baloney is her shot at happiness. Pathetic, much? Nerdy, needy and blah. She seems like a doormat so I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up dating some douche from Tool Academy.

Brooke is a 30 year old nurse. Once again, she looks 40. Are we seeing the fallout of too much time spent in tanning beds? Is that why all these girls look so old? Or am I being too harsh? Anyway, this one’s a southern girl with a ticking clock in her uterus. She wants Baloney Babies and she wants them now! She’s the girl who pokes holes in her diaphram and then, when she gets knocked up, claims that it was a “miracle” and “meant to be.” Best to get that vascectomy right now, Tony Baloney.

Autumn has that Bambi thing going on, all doe eyed and purdy, so that’s what we’ll call her. She’s smart or something, having been edumacated and all, and now she’s a Nasa researcher. But will she be dull? Only time will tell. I just know that she can’t be that smart if she’s on a show like this, so maybe they misunderstood her, what she really said was Tassle Researcher. That would make more sense.

This piece of work is the one to hate. Her name is Julann, how original, and she’s in Real Estate. Her lips and brows freak me out and she’s a cross between Phoebe Price and that chick from The City, Olivia Palermo. She’s a Stepford retard with the phoniest delivery that I have ever seen. I will be calling her Wetnap, which describes her personality to a tee.

Tania is an amazon/model. She’s 27 and appears to have a moustache under her did she/didn’t she nose job. I have no read on her after this episode. I’ll have to get back to her at a later date. Or maybe she’ll stay boring and I won’t, don’t care either way.

This is my girl. Her name is Jennifer and she’s 26, athletic, deep voiced and kinda dykey. She’s here to pick up the girls when they’re down and maybe turn them lesbionic for a bit. Why not? It’s better than listening to Wetnap all damn day. I hope that she wins and then tells Baloney that he convinced her that she’s gay. That’s what I would do, if I didn’t like dick so much, that is.

I’m not sure about his package yet, though. Maybe she has more going on down there than he does. Plus, don’t underestimate strap-ons these days. They are a size queen’s delight.

Enough of my yapping, on with the show! Yawn.

Here they all are, waiting for their prince to come, full of anticipation, calming their nerves with Champagne and happy that they bought Spanx before hopping the plane to beautiful Hawaii. They’re huddled together like some bizarre dried up cougar penguin tribe.

If they have any left.

He’s way out to sea on his fabulous rented yacht, where he strips down to his skivvies and hurls himself overboard. If you’re like me, you thought that he caught a good look of the mangy bitches he has to choose from and decided to end it all right then and there. Wrong. He’s showing off. He’s going to swim all the way to shore in the hopes that the exhaustion will induce delirium and he won’t even notice them with their panties down around their ankles.

Here he is coming out of the ocean, dripping and rippling, dimples aglow and penis ashriveled. He looks damn good for a guy who is 37, but I am going to be honest here. He does nothing for me. Maybe I’ll change my mind but right now that might as well be Wilford Brimley coming out of the water for all that he’s doing for me. I miss Punisher.

Seriously, I hope he does. Who knows what tantalizing stripperific moments we all got cheated out of because of his murdering ways? Makes a grown woman cry, I tell you! Oh, and R.I.P. Mrs. Bacon, of course, ahem.

I actually prefer the guy back on shore who was holding the tray of glasses for the ladies. He was a strapping native guy who is Baloney’s manservant so it’s not shocking that I’m hot for him. It’s one of our favorite little games around the McSlore household, Shtupping the Hired Help or Ramming the Handyman.
I’ll try and get a screen grab when I’m not so far behind so I can show you what your missing. You’ll be purring too, I promise.

Baloney washes ashore to tell the “girls,” cough, cough, that this isn’t a game, dammit, he wants real love. The kind you find in the movies. Perfect! Actors go on vacation, fuck their costars and then move on to the next costar. I think that he set his bar a little low, no?

He has standards about one thing, though, and that’s feet. You could be a hairy faced hag and he’ll keep you on but if you have ingrown toenails it’s buhbye time. I don’t know which is worse, frankly…

He sends Nathalie home straight off the bat and I spared you the picture of her walking away. When you are shaped like a barrel it isn’t terribly wise to wear a see-through sheath. No amount of Spanx is going to help you with that one. Oh well, she should look on the bright side. She doesn’t have to participate in the next charade.

Baloney climbs up a hill, looking down on all the girls and then makes them climb up to him, which is not at all humiliating, seeing as they are all in skirts and thongs. At least he gives them tennis shoes.

Big Hawaiian hunk blows on a conch to get them started and Twunty has a conch that he can blow on, only mine’s a little smaller and where were we? Oh yeah, Dykey comes up first with Anju Pear bringing up the rear.

I’m sorry, but what a dick. I hate him already. He can take those dimples and shove them up his smug cornhole. I know that some of you might argue that they signed up for this gig so they should be prepared to suck up whatever he dishes out but the only thing that would have gotten me up that hill would have been Hot Hawaiian Guy’s phone number. Not this douche.

There’s a suite waiting for them at the Hilton and it’s decorated in hot pink and red with lots of 50s style Pacific pin-up posters everywhere. Well, at least Dykey has something to masturbate to at night.

They put on bikinis and high heeled shoes in preparation for the pool party that they are attending and Wetnap has her first incident.
Her spermy eyebrows touch her hairline as she explains to her roommates that nobody better mess with her stuff (please, please, mess with her stuff!!) because she’s hanging it up and what the hell is she talking about? Lock it up in the Goddamn hotel safe, you freaking nutcase! Or better yet, lock yourself in the closet with your shitty outfits and don’t come out until they start airing Megan again. So yeah, die with your precious Chico seperates in your arms and spare me your insanity.

Down at the pool, the girls are hanging out here and there and then the stud arrives. He grabs a drink and says that he’s shy. Sure you are. You’re so shy that you posed in your underwear for a living, then turned to acting because you hated the cameras so much. Okay then, by the same token, I must be shy as well! I, too posed in my underwear for a living, only I never went on a reality show or a soap opera so I must be positively cringing with the ‘people ‘fraids’ every time I go out in public. Puh-lease!

This guy is a complete and utter exhibitionist who only says that he’s shy to get people to do things for him. It’s like a girl playing dumb or helpless. I’ve done it, I admit it, but every time I pretend to be shy I end up laughing my ass off. How does he keep a straight face?

Moving on or I’ll never get done with this, he talks to the Southern time bomb, Boring Brooke and he tells her that he loves her overbite. He said smile, I say overbite.

Anju is busy being loud and he ignores her, opting to talk to Big Blonde instead. Bad idea, she scares him off with her plastic desperation and overeagerness to “do it.”

He finally goes over to Anju Pear and her friends, only to tell her that her aggression scares him as well. I would make fun of him for this, only I’m a little afraid of her too.

She tells him that he should hang out with her group of hags because they’re the “fun” ones.

Wow, is he getting drunk fast. He heads back over to the bar where he runs into Lost Girl with her ridiculous vulnerability and her sad saggy Tori Spelling titties. They bond over her lack of shame in not having a job and maybe being bankrolled by a guy so…….. she’s a prostitute? Lives at home?

She cries which is bizarre. It is painful to watch. I have a feeling that this girl should not be here. Is she fresh out of rehab? Was she molested? Whatever the answer, she is a complete trainwreck and should be in therapy, not fodder for a viewing audience.

For VH1 anyway.
He rejoins the rest of the AARP when a mystery woman comes walking down the stairs. Oh my God, how did they get Sophia Loren to do this show?!

It’s Baloney’s mama and she’s here to judge them help her son find true love. She scares me more than Pear does. She immediately starts ragging on the girls in Italian, especially Big Blonde and Gretchen the Playmate.

Mama tells him to get rid of Big Blonde immediately and he does. She’s cool about it and saves her tears for later.
There’s nothing like getting kicked off by a chick with more surgery than you have.

Just wait until you get a really good look at her. The woman is mesozoic, if the rings around her neck are any indication.

Wetnap is back and up in her room peeling the paint off the walls with her harpy-like behaviour. This banshee, or a few like her, was the reason that I quit Girlscouts. The incessant bitching and moaning, paranoia about other girls and petty jealousy. Well, that and they made me clean the latrines. Camping and Twunty don’t really go together, not without a case of wine, anyway.

Poor Lost Girl is sitting on the floor, listening to Wetnap go on and on about her damn precious matchy-matchy Casual Corner clearance sale items and it’s all she can do not to lose what’s left of her damn mind.

She’s just not into having people disrespect her clothing. What is she talking about? No one has touched her crap. She has a closet all to herself. She says that she is not comfortable in this environment, that it’s not good for her children. The fuck? Is she talking about?

Lost Girl reminds her that her children aren’t even there and if she was so damn worried about them, why did she come at all. Uh oh. Best not to confront the loony tune.

Gasmii, this woman is beyond cuckoo bananas. No exaggeration needed. She can be immediately cast in bronze and take her rightful place in the Pantheon of reality weirdos, right next to Gary Busey and that big girl that took a shit on the stairs on Flavor of Love. Batshit crazy, I tell you.

The next morning, Baloney shows up with a basket full of goodies for the girls to get their toes and fingers up to snuff, emphasis on the toes because dude has a serious foot fetish. Mirandacure digs right in, Anju asks when he’s spending the night (whore!) and he goes off to find Lost Girl.

She must be sporting some solid gold tootsies because he chases her all over the suite. He finally gets her to sit her ass down and she acts like she’s unworthy of his love. I wonder why he can’t resist her blind kitten-like love for him. Strange, very strange. She starts crying AGAIN and then asks if she has any carrot in her teeth. Where did they find this girl? A Newark homeless shelter? Gack!

I kinda love her, though. She’s crazy in a sweet way, not a Wetnap-sleep with a knife under your bed way. Baloney bucks up her confidence by reminding her that she’s the one that has spent the most time with him so far and when he walks away she remarks that it’s just going to give the other girls more reason to hate her.

Pear already does, she’s jealous and fed up and she says something really stupid. Baloney asks the girls if they have ever cheated and she cops to being part of a love triangle with her boyfriend and another girl, and she didn’t mind sharing him. This girl has no filter, no tact, plus she’s a whore? Please let her be a finalist, please!

The Hot Hawaiian Conch Blowing Guy is back, calling all the hags to din-din with Mama Baloney. Here’s the far away view where she looks a bit like Adrien Arpel, the ancient chick that sells anti-ageing skin care on the Home Shopping Network.

Then we get a close-up and there’s no denying it.

Stay out of the sun, people. That’s all I’m going to say. My mother is allergic and she’s 70 with the skin of a woman half her age. I did not listen to her and am now covered in freckles.

Mama Baloney tears right into Gretchen the Playmate first. What is wrong with being naked in a magazine, I ask you? Everything, as far as Melting Mama is concerned, made even worse by the fact that Gretchen has a five year old son. What will poor Ricky or Mikey think when he gets older and sees mommy’s hoo-ho flashed in the pages of Playboy? Hopefully, he won’t give a crap. I am so sick of people and their hang-ups about nudity. Get over it.

I feel bad for Gretchen, though. She laughed nervously but she looked like she wanted to cry. Lucky for her, she’s sitting next to Dykey so she has a nice muscular shoulder to cry on. I love Dykey. If I were gay she’d totally be my type.

Mama turns her attention to Wetnap who starts spewing some transparent pre-rehearsed bullshit about how she loves Baloney’s soul, which shows through his dimples or the crack of his ass, who knows and the whole time Lost Girl is laughing behind her napkin.

Baloney asks her if she’s laughing or crying and when she says both Wetnap gives her the look of death, complete with a smile that would send Huns running for the hills. Geez, she scares me. Did they properly vet this one? I hope that Lost Girl brought some pepper spray with her, she might need it.

Mama’s harsh spotlight gets focused in on Lost Girl now and it ain’t pretty. She admits to not working but says that she’s done “some stuff” in the past. That’s not good enough and Mama asks her how old she is and what she wants to do when she grows up. It’s the freaking Spanish Inquisition that Mama no doubt knows about first hand, and Baloney tells her to lay off a bit.

She doesn’t because she need to know these thing in order to help her son, not because she’s a giant cunt or anything, Lost Girl shouts out that she’s messed up because she doesn’t have a Mommy and excuses herself from the table by fleeing like the hounds of hell are nipping at her heels.

For all I know, they are. That woman is a bitch. And he is letting her do his dirty work for him. How manly.

He chases after Lost Girl and gets her to come back by spouting some psychobabble about remaining positive through adversity. Yeah, right. I think I snorted when I heard that line of crap.

She sits back down and covered dishes are placed in front of all the women. If there’s a lei under the lid, they get to stay. If not, they are in the bottom.

Mirandacure and Pear are the only two without leis, poor things, and he takes them aside, in front of everybody, to talk to them. Basically, he’s barely spoken to Mirandacure but she’s not a slut like Pear, so she gets a second chance. Pear gets a one way ticket back to her sad life of party planning and acting all free spirited and whatnot, on a boat called, “Ciao Bella.” Stoopid.

One more thing. Before Mama can humiliate anyone else, his ex wife walks up and says that she wants a second chance with him. Sure she does.

Her name is Tully and she is my age and she was a model just like Baloney. That must be how they met. I dated a fellow model once. I didn’t marry him. I’m not retarded. Our kids would have been, though, more than likely.
Anyhoo, this is some dumb ploy to bring the drama so she better not disappoint. I want screaming, fainting, clawing and rage. Bring it, bitches! Or I’ll just rewind and watch the parts with the Conch Blowing Hawaiian Hunk over and over again. Good enough for me…

By the way, bear with me, Gasmii. I am way behind since Megan got cancelled and I got reassigned. I’m frantic, I tell you, frantic!

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore