My Antonio: Conch Guy and Other Stuff That Happened

What a bunch of whack jobs. We lose two girls this week but I want to start out on a high note- here’s that picture of the conch blowing hunk that I was promising you:

It’s probably no accident that they hardly ever show the guy, he is waaay hotter than Antonio. I wonder if some female producer found him, is banging him and got him this gig to keep him in her bed. If so, I would like to thank her. But please, give him more airtime! It will help balance out the bullshit.

We open this episode with the Tully drama. She and Baloney got together when he was only 18, she’s 7 or 8 years older than him, their marriage only lasted a few months and Tully blames their break-up on their youth and Melting Mama’s meddling. I choose to blame it on Tully’s lack of a nutsack.Mama can’t take the heat, so she gets up and leaves the table.

Sexay.
None of the girls are happy about this turn of events so they get right down to some bitchy bickering over why Tully is there. The details are a bit hazy on why they actually broke up and Tully just stands there like a sullen linebacker with a tension headache. She has really got some seriously huge shoulders.

I don’t think that Dykey is ready to play catch with Sullen just yet, not until she gets to the bottom of things! Why is she really there? Is she Baloney’s sister? Did he bring her on to the show to spy on them? Or more importantly..

They go back to the suite, Sullen in tow, and she tells them how romantic their relationship was. How Baloney got on one knee on the set of General Hospital and proposed to her, East German weight lifter shoulders and all, in front of the cast and crew. Awwwww. That’s so romantic! Until he found out that she’s a girl. Then he dumped her.

At least that’s what J-Mo says so we’ll split the difference and say that he’s bi, at least when cameras aren’t rolling. It would go a long way in explaining why he seems to have zero passion for any of these chicks so far. He’s so unnatural around them. It’s like he’d rather be doing anything else. Like munching on peen, perhaps?

Enough of him, he’s not why I watch as I’ve made abundantly clear. It’s gurl duh-rama time! Starring my girl, Dykey!

When you drink a lot and smoke the good Hawaiian shit, you get the munchies. Dykey isn’t immune, so she gets out the frozen waffles and spreads cream cheese on them and heats them up. NASTY. Who eats waffles that way? Butter and syrup-yum. Blueberries and strawberries and powdered sugar- deeeelicious, but cream cheese? Never heard of it. Is this lesbionic code for cootchie snarffling? Help a straight girl out, cuz no one eats that crap, right?

She asks Lost Girl if she wants some and I’m surprised. I thought that she would have offered some to Gretchen, she seemed to be way more into her, the way she was holding her hand at dinner. Lost Girl doesn’t want any, of course and she thinks that Dykey is messing with her for even asking.

They fight because Dykey is drunk and thinks that she is being nice by offering up some snatch snacks while Lost Girl is sick and tired of being fucked with and why won’t everyone leave her alone? Well, let’s think about that a moment, shell we? She’s vulnerable, she’s confused and she’s in a house full of scary, desperate bitches. It’s no different than watching my cat play with a mouse. They do it because they can and it’s instinctive, Lord of the Flies with bitches instead of pre-teen boys.

I’m not saying that Dykey is to blame. I honestly believe that she was trying to be nice and inclusive, but I do believe that the rest of the girls have been giving her shit. Why? Two things. 1- Some of them are all up in her face after the waffle melee, to the point where Lost Girl has to start screaming for them to leave her alone, and 2, who does she turn to for support?

Wetnap.

Is Lost Girl bipolar? Is she still coming down off of the meth? Why on earth would she turn to a fellow looney tune for advice? Maybe she has a death wish or she needs someone to blame when she slits her wrists again. Whatever the case may be, she gets just the kind of advice you would expect.

I wouldn’t call it advice, really, it’s more like judgement. Instead of asking her what’s wrong, Wetnap tells her that she’s an unhappy person. Really? What convinced you? Was it the tears or the baying at the moon every time someone tries to touch her?
This is all it takes to set off Lost Girl. She’s not unhappy! She’s normally a very happy person!

Lost Girl calls Wetnap a cussin’ runt, I mean a Russian cunt. What? Wetnap is a Russki? Did I miss the part where she reminisces about growing up in Smolensk and wearing babushkas in the potato fields with Fyodor and Sonia? Oh, I get it! She’s Lina from Miami Social’s slightly saner cousin, aha!

Lost Girl runs out of the room and out of the suite and out of our lives forever. Boooo! Damn you, Wetnap! You scared away the most entertaining person on the show. I now officially hate your guts.

Okay, it was a culmination of events that sent her packing,but instead of calming her down, Wetnap made things worse. It’s a gift, I tell you. To be fair, Lost Girl is nuts. Or is she? Maybe reality tv shows are nuts and she is really the sane one. Either way, it is a good thing that she is gone. Girl needs about ten years of therapy. Good luck, kiddo. I could use a few myself, after years of watching these crap shows.

The next morning, Baloney joins the trolls in their bikinis on the terrace and what’s the first thing that he notices? His missing Lost Girl. Wetnap recounts the previous night’s activities like the good little self-centered bitch that she is, and she’s positively SHOCKED that Baloney is more concerned about Lost Girl’s well being than hers.

What’s not to love about selfish, sweaty girls with amoeba-brows and spastic facial expressions, I ask you? She complains to the other girls after he leaves and once again, they care about it as much as you or I do. Go cuddle with your Chadwick’s catalog in your creepy closet, nutjob.

It’s Sullen’s turn to have a heart to no-heart with Baloney. She cries, says that she was desperate to see what he is like after all those sad years apart, cries some more and asks for a second chance. She should have gotten up and left right then and there. What should have been her first clue that he really could care less about her? Other than catching him with peen in his mouth, that is? He shakes his head ‘no’ and tells her to have fun surfing and working on her tan.

She refuses to take no for an answer and says that she deserves a chance just like the other hoes and he lets her. So sad. She looks pretty darn wrinkley and old up close and since she’s not a proffessional actor, I’m going to believe that she’s been pining after this Ken doll for a couple of decades. Wow, girl. Move on.

Also, he says that she broke his heart and that’s why he left. Sounds like cheating, no? That’s my bet. Sullen wasn’t getting enough attention/cootchie-poundings so she went looking for friendlier dick elsewhere and he’s never let her forget it. Oh, and he says “Good luck with my mom.” ASSHOLE. Once again, what kind of a pussy dickwad lets his mom do his dirty work? Sooo unattractive. You just know that he’s the kind of guy that gets away with shitty behaviour because it’s “What his Mama wants.” Blech.

He gathers the rest of the girls to see if anyone would like to air any complaints (Hello. Desperate girls on a dating show? You do the math) and they all want more time with him and complain that he’s aloof and doesn’t make eye contact. Bummer. Maybe he’d get interested if they all got dressed in man drag. Wait, no, Sullen would put on her shoulder pads and football uniform and win and they’d be right back where they started, ugh.

Wetnap wants to talk with him alone and blathers on about how he should be there for the healthy girls and not the mentally ill ones, going on and on because he ignored her in favor of Lost Girl. He tells her that it was because she can handle herself (debatable) and Lost Girl obviously needed help.

She agrees but says that she’s leaving anyway, throwing out words like unacceptable, interject and rewind. Whatever, I tuned her out until she said that the girls she leaves behind have their emotional health at stake here. Ha Ha! What a dipshit know-it-all. Talk about presumptious, and insulting to every other girl on this show.

I say good riddance. She uses eyeliner as lipliner and she’s totally the type to go Lorena Bobbitt on a guy. Let her go back to warping her kids minds by interjecting at their unacceptable behaviour and forcing them to go on a Therapist’s couch and rewind back in time when they first realized that their mom didn’t care about them, only about selling reposessed houses so she could fuel her Coldwater Creek habit.

Somehow, for whatever reason, he talks her into staying by fueling her need for attention. She wanted to feel like she’s better than everybody else and he did just that by listening to her for almost an hour.

Nah, he just tuned her out and stared at the poolboy’s nice tight hamstrings out of his peripherals.

She goes back and tells all the girls in her haughty manner that she’s decided to stay on for a day, ONLY A DAY, mind you, to see how things go. I am soooo hoping that he pulls a Megan/Pervy move on her and keeps her just to see her face when he sends her home. Spoiler: He does.

Later that night, a fight breaks out in the bathroom! Over what? Antonio? Cream cheese waffles? Nope, periods! (Sullen still gets one, apparently) Toiletry space! It involves her and Mirandacure, of course. How much you wanna bet that that girl brought half of Duane Reade with her? So yeah, they bitch and argue but the only thing I really notice are those curlers in Sullen’s hair. I haven’t seen shit like that since the eighties!

Hey, guess what. There are other girls in the house. And they’re complaining. Shocking again, I know. Boring Babbling Brooke is boo-hooing her lack of Baloney time by saying that she understands because there are so many bimbos to choose from. Yawn, stretch, repeat.

Jessica, the big tittied dancer, wants to jump his bones, but doesn’t want to come off as ‘pushy.’ She looks like a Real Doll and this time when I say that, I mean it as a compliment. Good, even features, big lips, bedroom eyes, giant bazongas, she’s the perfect fantasy fuck. Yes, I still mean that as a compliment.
She also has a deep throaty Joan Jett voice with inflections of Jersey AND Long Island. Hot and dirty. Methinks that she’ll end up with a producer after Baloney discards her, so she’ll be fine no matter what.

The whole time that this conversation is going on, Wetnap whips her head around to whomever is speaking in Dynasty bad acting style. What a self important phony. I hope that she gives herself whiplash. And then fashions a noose out of her very expensive, important Anne Taylor Loft stockings.

Here comes some bad Hallmark three hankie, Lifetime Movie of the Week music. I instinctfully move to change the channel but stop just in time to find that we have a hokey looking dude in the house. His name is Dr. (?!?!?!) Scott and he’s there to hypnotize the bitches. Good Lord, give them some valium instead. Same thing.

Wetnap calls it witchcraft, she would know, and refuses to participate. That is probably wise, we don’t want something in her to snap and the real Wetnap to emerge in all her glory. There have been enough deaths associated with this channel and besides, Halloween is still two months away.

Dykey won’t fall asleep, so she’s off to sit with Wetnap. Babbling Brooke and Jessica snap out of it so they join them as well. Does anyone else hate this stuff as much as I do? Maybe it works, I don’t know and I don’t care. The only way that I would subject myself to it is if they could erase going to see Transformers II from my mind.

Dr. Hypnoguy gets Sullen and Mirandacure to compliment each other and they even share a lingering kiss. Dykey’s all jealous, wishing that she could have faked it and gotten in on some of the action, you know she is.

And what the hell happened to Monique’s chest?

Weird. He is able to make Bambi speak fake Italian which is sort of funny but Tania does the same thing using only words for Italian dishes, like Tiramisu and Mannicotti and then she rubs up on him like a cat in heat. Not buying it. She is acting, not hypnotized, so blow me, Fake-O.

Baloney’s reaction to this sexy dance is very telling. Tania may be acting but he’s not even trying to look interested. It doesn’t take a body language expert to figure this one out. This is how all straight guys would act.

They brought one of these charlatans to my high school for a stupid assembly once. Assembly time was gossip time or throw paper airplanes at the cheerleaders time so I almost didn’t notice until the last minute that I didn’t recognise a single student volunteer on that stage. I think that they schlepped the same generic looking kids to each big generic midwestern school in the hopes that no one would notice. I did notice and I went around asking everyone, including teachers, if they knew any of the kids on that stage.

Guess what. They didn’t. Color me jaded, once again.

After that waste of time is over, we head off to dinner with Mama where we get the one and only appearance of Conch Guy. Dayum, emphasis on the yum. Here he is again, for your viewing pleasure.

It doesn’t take Mama long to sit back in her throne of judgement and start in on one of the girls. The good news is that it’s Wetnap who gets to enjoy her simplistic observations. It seems as though Ms. Wetnap has shown a bit too much personality and that is all wrong for Mama Baloney. She wants her son’s future wife to be nice and manipulatable.

They all say that they loved being hypnotised, who doesn’t love a free nap, and then we get another one of Baloney’s stupid random questions. Are you ready for it? You sure?
He asks, “Who here has had to fight for their man?”

Did somebody write that down on a piece of paper for you, numbnuts? Or are you simply a natural born genius? It is obviously intended as a stab at Sullen, and she remarks that relationships are a two way street that both people need to fight for. Mama looks at her with palpable disdain because Baloney can do no wrong. Or did she? Her face is so weird. Her expressions only go from contempt to boredom to dismissal and back again.

It’s leis under serving platters time and Wetnap doesn’t get one. Ha ha! Neither does Jessica Jett, though, and that’s just sad. Sullen cries when she sees hers and that’s even sadder. She got one because in the words of Baloney, at least she’s trying.

Jess argues that she never really got a chance with him, while Wetnap had ample time to get him to like her. So, she should stay, they should hang out together, just Baloney, Jess and her funbags, and Wetnap should get the boot. No argument here.

Wetnap rehashes the Lost Girl incident and the sane vs. crazy people argument. He looks like he’s over her crap, so she tells him that he just doesn’t get it and finally stares off into the distance like she’s Joan of Freakin’ Arc. Martyr, you ain’t, and even Baloney has figured that out.

So, he sends her back to her dusty, sweaty life of Speigel catalogs and foreclosed housing, and decides to keep the Real Doll around for another day. Oh well, at least Wetnap can leave knowing that she was “Healthy, of sounded mind.”
And all is right in the world.

Until next week, when Sullen receives the wrath of the bimbos.

Joy!

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore