My Fair Brady: Big Girls Do Cry. And It’s Awesome.

Just for you, Lady S.

Oh, gang. The day has finally arrived. It’s the last episode of this season’s My Fair Brady and I have to say, Adrienne Curry has finally made me happy. For those of you that followed my Oscar Blog a few weeks ago, y’all know that I LOVE me some tears. And Ads sends us off with quite the spectacle, so thanks girl! After seven episodes of transcribing your pointless fights, I finally get some love. I’ll almost miss ya.

Yeah. Almost.

So, to send us off in style, we’re going to Hawaii! But Chriss isn’t going to make it pleasant for us. He’s blaring “HAWAIIII” like Ads was blaring “PAAARTYYY” the night they went to the Surreal Life house and Jesus H, if it’s not one, it’s the other.

You’re missing those slogan shirts now, aren’t ya, you meany pants recapper?

Chrissy is excited to go as a last ditch effort to warm her up to the baby idea in the tropics, but Ads is excited to go because she loves hotels and room service. Amen to that, sister. I’ve wound up in Motel 6′s in Bakersfield just to live the dream.

But unfortunately for our second honeymooners, it’s cold and windy on the island of Kauai. But the natives are trying their darnedest to not let that get in the way for these two. They arrive at the hotel, receive the standard flower leis, (and thank god we don’t have to suffer through any “getting lei’d” jokes. They’re so that type.) and two nubile young things do a traditional dance for the them. Adrienne comments that they’re quick with their wrists, so Chris should bring ‘em to the room. Not to be out done in the joke department Chris says it was a fertility dance.

No, it’s actually to ward off reality stank.

The room is beautiful and you can see whales breaching from the window, but Ads is more into shaking her titties in the mirror.

But do those whales have a rack like this?

So it’s stormy, but they both go outside and throw their pasty asses in the hot tub anyway. Genius. OMG, like is this a bad omen?? asks Chrissy. Better question: Is this at all safe? But he’s too busy to think about practical matters, because he’s got important arithmetic to do! He starts lamenting that he’ll be sixty when his hypothetical children are eightenn. What kind of math is that?? He’s forty-nine as of press time. And we’ve already been over this before because Neighborhood Don already told him that his kids would be eleven when he’s sixty. Who knew I would be missing the ND or that he was a voice of reason?

Always possible they could have the smartest ten year olds of all time, but not likely.

That night they head to a luau and as they head over to the location with their guide, Chrissy says it’s like Fantasy Island. Ads laughs because she doesn’t realize he’s talking about the TV show, not the strip club. Apparently it’s the “Smith Family Luau”, which sounds as credible as if my family decided to slap our last name on a Chinese New Year celebration. Make up a name for chrissakes.

So before they see how the Smiths throw down, they meet a Hawaiian holy man who has been set up by Vh1 for these two to “renew their vows”. It’s not much more than a chance for them to get in a few seconds of schmaltzy romantic talk about loving and respecting one another. Ads says that she can tell this man has “a really good soul in him”, but can barely hold her laughter in the whole ceremony because talking in Hawaiian is hilarious! Ads says that it sounds like “Mekka Lekka Hi-Mekka Hiney Ho” from Pee Wee Herman and, well, it actually does.

I see that Pee Wee many times. So funny!

Chris tries to get some of the Hawaiian phrases down to coo into her ear when they get home and are stumbling home drunk from their neighborhood bars. Much to no ones surprise, he can’t get the phrase. If you add eighteen to forty-nine and get sixty, then I highly doubt your ability to master another language.

And then we get to meet the Smiths. And they sure do look Hawaiian for that WASP-y name.

Obviously that’s just our stage name, so you white people don’t say our name sounds like that damn Pee Wee Herman phrase.

They pimp their daughter out in order to get some of the ol’ baby talk going. And sure enough, hook, line and sinker, for these easy targets. They fall head over heels for the little girl, and this raises the question for Ads, If we have kids, would you prefer girl or boy? Ads confesses that she really wants a girl, so Chris says if they have a boy the first time around, they can try for a girl second. Ads gives him death eyes, but this doesn’t stop her from still laughing about how Hawaiian sounds like Jambi from Pee Wee Herman.

Next time, I renew your vows!!

OMFG. I LMAO every time!!!

The little girl comes up and ask Ads if she wants to hula. Only if I can get a hug, Ads demands. She gets her hug and then learns in exchange for hugging a beloved Smith child she has to go embarrass herself onstage. She’s a little surprised, but don’t worry! Chrissy goes too and embarrasses himself even worse.

When these people laugh at you, you know it’s time to get off the stage.

Now that’s the kinda hula I expect from the surname Smith.

On the ride back to the hotel, Ads says she wants a girl that looks just like that girl. Ads doesn’t want a prissy little girl, wants a girl that rolls in the mud, digs up worms and goes fishing! Good luck with that, silicon tits. Speaking of, put your boobs away.

Feast your eyes on the rack of a tomboy.

Back from the luau, Ads is ready for action! And what an asshat Chrissy is. Ads wants to get freaky, but Chrissy wants to get serious. Applying his math skills, to emotional intelligence, he reads her cries of, “Let me see your penis!” as “Let’s have a conversation about babies.” Ads reads him the riot act. Seriously, Captain Buzzkill. I will cut off you balls and dip them in chocolate and feed them to you, she says. I talk a lot of smack about her, but girl can make a threat.

I like when she says, “Way to dry up a vagina!” Ads is pulling out all the stops to amuse me now that it’s finale time. Chrissy is relentless though. The only reason to get married is to have children, Chris says. Well, if you’re going there, Ads is too. She points out that it would eff their kids up to see them fight and see daddy say he wants a divorce, pack his bags and then come back two hours later. She has a point, but at least you got those math skills, huh, Chrissy?

She also says that they’re not supposed to not have that heavy of a conversation so they don’t upset with each other. Why are you trying to get deep, she asks. And Chris replies, It’s a deep subject. Blame the subject, Chrissy. Nice. Well, now you’re not going to get any.

Ads concludes that she feels with some 35 year old broad that just realized needs to have a kid.

So if I were a 35 year old woman and my kids were 18, then Adrienne would be… Gah! I’ve never been good at word problems.

Next day they go on an outdoor adventure and they’re over last night’s bitchfest. Chrissy is her best friend and she just wants to hang. And alls better between these two, except they’re going kayaking in the worst weather evs. That looks amazing. Maybe Vh1 can’t get a refund on this adventure, because they go even though she’s not fully healed and it’s freezing rain.

Oh, shit. I think I added that up wrong.

Luckily her implants can’t handle rain, so that gets them out of spending any more time in the inclement outdoors. Once they decide to go back and drink though, they manage to get some fire under their pants, hightailing it back to the hotel.

If only the implants were also a barometer of intelligence.

That night they go to dinner at the Planatation Gardens and he’s playing his cards right this time by starting off saying she looks like Bettie Page. Ads loves that one. High off his good start, he decides they should play a game. “Let’s name,” he begins… “your penis!” Adrienne finishes. Actually he wants to list the five most positive things that have happened to her in past two years, which spares us from hearing whatever godawful nickname she wants to give Chris’s member.

So Adrienne says that her top five events are winning ANTM, going on the Surreal Life, meeting him, marrying him and quitting drugs, which is actually her number one. And now ladies and gentlemen, let the tears begin. And we have to thank Chrissy for this gem. Truly Barbara Walters has got nothing on him. He presses her to go deep into those emotionally charged places, all for our viewing pleasure. And, that said. I am genuinely proud of you. For your sake, I am so so happy that you get to have your own show and aren’t on Celebrity Rehab. Seriously, girl. You’re doing good.

But back to Chrissy’s Baba Wawa interview, where he stirs that shit up. Basically, when she was a teenager, she had multiple suicide attempts and was a major drug addict. She didn’t even have a vision of the future, because she wanted to die. Because of how hard her life was, she has trouble ruminating about her past.

But no trouble with tears!

Chris is upset when she says she has nothing to live for, but she’s gotten a lot better. We learn that she was five years old when the first thing happened. (I seriously hope that this individual has been castrated.) She was abducted, then raped as a teenager. And, understandably, her life went downhill from there, she got into drugs, etc. And even though she quit drugs, she will always have some problems, not everyday, but she will never be able to forget about these things. And if anything happened to her child like happened to her, she doesn’t know what she would do.

Chris says there’s always a chance of bad and shouldn’t stymy the hope of good. It is only through hope that they move forward. It’s the only way we evolve! Barbara Walters, this is how it’s done! Ads says that she changed her life around all by herself and knows she’ll be an amazing mother because of it. She still has a problem with guys, but Chris tells her that she no longer walks alone and has him. Ads says she spent a long time being alone and lost and Chris is the only person that makes her feel safe.

Giving me what the Oscars couldn’t.

Chris’s initial attraction to Ads was that she’s an ultimate survivor. She had an experience that many people wouldn’t have survived. She’s moving into a new experience of life and that’s uncomfortable for her. Ads says give me time, you son of a bitch. Chris says he will and reminds her to let your past support you and not haunt you. The future looks good, says Chris. And just to let us know that her tears have not affected her too much, she burps I love you. Aw.

By the time we’re at the kleenex, even I’m misty.

And now it’s time to wrap this up with a walk on the beach. The storm has passed and the night sky is clear. The future is bright for these two indeed. They’re clear for five more seasons!

So Ads says that they’re whole relationship was based on taking chance. Everything good that’s happened to her was when she said fuck it and went for it. And then in a dramatic gesture, Ads throws birth control in water. Caution has literally been thrown to the wind, people. We even get a water sound effect so we know it’s for realsies! Oh, please. They totally put that sound in in post. We all know she went and picked her birth control up in the sand as soon as they finished kissing. And if it did make it in the water, we all know some PA would have dove in after it.

I want to see that hot girl PA go after it!

Shall we take a chance? Chris asks. Let’s go make chances! And Chris signs off with one of his signature dirty old man chuckles.

And our lovebirds are out! Will they be back this year? Will Ads be preggers? More importantly does anyone care?

Alrighty, Lady S. out for now. Thank you to everyone who stuck with me, even if you gave up on the show after two episodes.

YAY!

Until then, mad love. xoxo.