My Fair Brady: Confused In Every Reality

Virtual Adrienne captures savvy of actual Adrienne.

Last Sunday when I found out there was no My Fair Brady, I emailed Flipit and wrote “GOD LOVES US!!!” An unexpected vacation from these two, and I gleefully ran into the streets, flashed the neighbors and ran over some children in my SUV, Adrienne Curie style. But towards the end of the week, I found myself inexplicably looking forward to Sunday again. Did I miss them? Did I miss making fun of them? I’m not sure what it was, but we’re back and just as stumped by life as ever.We’re back on the scene with our lovebirds and Adrienne is going to an autograph signing for Nvidia, which everyone knows as the industry leader of absolutely nothing. She sure is dressed for the occasion too. Ripped jeans and a slogan shirt! Oh, girl, you shouldn’t have. It looks like she’s has been rendered into a video game, but I don’t think she’s anything more than someone’s CGI doll. But it’s all part of Adrienne’s sudden career explosion. I had the last guy I dated give me some Photoshop plastic surgery on one of my modeling pictures and I totally felt like a digitial icon, too. I had an autograph signing in my backyard and my mom and her friends showed up. It was awesome.

Adrienne is huge among Best Buy employees.

Chris likes this digital Adrienne, because it looks and walks like Adrienne, but doesn’t say a damn thing. Amen, sister.

Some young Asian boy asks when they’re going to have children, because that’s what all adolescent fans ask their dream girls. Nothing gets horny teens hotter than knowing when their fantasy girl is going to pop a few out. Adrienne says like ten years, just to keep the dream alive for men everywhere and Chrissy sits in the corner, bites his knuckles and cries. It’s hard to live in the shadow of a D-list celebrity.

Not pictured: Chris’s tears.

Adrienne regales us with lines about how she works “all the time”, which I guess is true since she is continually on a reality show. But now, she wants to be considered for “big roles” so she’s going full speed ahead towards the boob job. Because once she gets bigger melons, then she’ll get the bigger role she’s always wanted. Like a reality movie? (In the future, reality shows will eventually become feature length films, but will not be called “documentaries”, being their own masturbatory genre, and produced solely by Vh1.)

Next up, Chris is going to have lunch with Neighborhood Don, where we get our next installment in the lecture series. ND is of course super jacked that these two are “considering” a kid. I also take things into consideration when people point guns at my head. It’s an effective motivational tool. Chris points out that this relationship is aging him quickly and he isn’t getting any younger. Adrienne of course insists she actually keeps him young. I disagree. Just because you keep Chrissy up to date on the latest in slogan tees doesn’t mean you’re keepin’ him young. Chris tells Adrienne that one day she will want to start going to bed at 8 or 9, too. “When I’m dying,” she responds. By that logic, I started dying at 23. Death is a slow process.

Drink up. You’ll be right where I want you.

He arrives at Don’s for lunch and today’s lecture is about Experiencing The Fruit of Your Loins, Part 200. Chris laments that now that he’s come around to having kids (i.e. beaten into submission by ND), Adrienne isn’t. He and Don go and sit down to talk privately (Chrissy has to sit down when it comes to kids. Agreed, get your rest now, says Nanny Sensation) and Don points out repeatedly to Chris that he is old as dirt. Don lectures that he has to get the timing right with Adrienne. Don admits that he was all yeah, whatever, too, on the kid front, but then he had this little gremlin and what stone-hearted jerk wouldn’t have his heart bursting with unparalleled joy when he looked into these eyes?

Soul sucker.

Back at the condo, Adrienne is talking about the boob job again. She wants to know what their plans are tomorrow because Flava of Love is on. But, alas, no Flava of Love for Ads, because Chris has a surprise for her! And I am shocked that these two don’t have a DVR of some sort. However, I am not surprised they are shilling for other Vh1 celebreality shows.

So after a few words from our sponsors, we get the requisite Bed Scene of the week. Ads spends a lot of time in bed for someone with a HUGE career.

And now for my favorite scene of this whole season: Financial planning with Tammy. Smarty pants hotness Tammy is coming over for estate planning. When she gets there she asks Adrienne is she’s happy with the pre-nup, to which Adrienne replies that she doesn’t care about the pre-nup because she’s not getting a divorce. And if Chris tries to leave her, she’ll kill him anyway. Guys LOVE it when you give them death threats.

Tammy asks if they’re having kids (If everyone jumped off a cliff, Tammy would to.) and we get in a hypothetical debate about what would happen to their children if they both died in a fiery crash (or something). Most people have this discussion after they have children, not while they’re still deciding whether or not to have children at all, but this isn’t reality, this is celebreality! All common sense was thrown out the window a long ass time ago. The best part is that Ads is floored–FLOORED–to learn that godparent status will not hold up in a court of law. The state decides who the children go to if no one has been appointed. Ads DEMANDS to know: What’s the point of godparents then??

You married a retard.

I married a retard.

What?

For the record, I also make this face every time I see one of her damn slogan shirts. So basically my face is frozen into this expression the entire show. Anyway, Adrienne is so not into this discussion. She tells us that she just kept thinking about the new bras she’s going to get and that she had to pee.

And then she starts hitting on Tammy, who is actually very smokin’ hot. Ads loves her handbag, loves her outfit, wonders if she did her own makeup, offers her more champy. I love Tammy, too. Now there’s a girl-on-girl I can get behind. I was pretty underwhelmed with Deal-or-No-Deal Kelly, as we all know.

Tammy like-a da flirt.

Then we start talking about Chris dying and Adrienne dramatically insists on having at least half of Chris’s ashes. She plans on using him to cockblock any man that tries to court her after him. Chris just chuckles, “The discussion of wills is a battle of wills!!” Oh, Chrissy, you are a card. They throw in an over-the-top church organ number for added drama while Adrienne talks about taking Chris with her into the afterlife. They are laughing at you, not with you, sugar tits. Chris does admit afterwards that Tammy did a pretty good job at titillating Ads. Dare I say, the ACLU tally is back! POINT! Ads can’t get over how hot she is and i can’t either. Damn, Tammy! Advise me, too!

In an unfortunate shredder incident, Adrienne mistakes skirt for living will.

So now it’s time for their surprise…she gets blindfolded in her dirty bandana just like she did last time. No loving couple is without a dirty bandana blindfold tradition. So he’s taking her somewhere that was really special to her. And what could be more special to these two than The Surreal Life house? At this point, my television explodes because Vh1 has reached self-referential critical mass. Seriously, it’s gross, Vh1. Have a semblance dignity.

Anyway, I’m not sure what the occasion is to celebrate, but Vh1 sure went all out just to set Chris up with a place to give Adrienne a bra and a baby rattle. (Weeks of previews have already spoiled it.) The crib is all decked out like there’s gonna be a “Bachelor” rose ceremony after they make these two clear out. And sweet reminiscing indeed. They find the room that was Jane’s “dungeon” and the corner where Verne peed.

Oh, showmance, how sweet thy name.

Pun intended: Adrienne says it’s surreal to walk around that house. Aw, Ads. Reality television is magical indeed. (I’m actually serious.) I never saw their televised courtship, as I would never stoop to watch such trash as “The Surreal Life”, but from the get-go she really was telling him she was going to have a reality show where she got him to marry her. From an early age, her parents always remarked that she seemed just destined for an embarrassing career in playing out daddy issues on television.

I take it back. Her career really has gone up.

Next up, Chris tells Adrienne to use her psychic powers to what next reality schlock is coming up next for them to gush about and for Vh1 to cross-reference. Adrienne correctly guessing…their wedding video! Darn, I thought it was going to be an extended montage of the Big Bear fight. Adrienne is so much more psychic than I am.

So we revisit clips of the wedding. “I won” she even says in the video. Chris argues there is no winner, but I think this is only what people who don’t win say. There is some blah blah-ing about how despite all the struggle they really love each other. God, these people are boring when they fight and boring when they don’t fight. We can’t win.

And now time for the “symbolic” pressies! Gifts for both of us? she asks. You can say that, Chris says with a dirty old man har-har. Chris gives her a brand new C-cup bra. Then he gives her a little silver rattle and it looks like the least fun rattle ever. It’s like stainless steel. Adrienne asks if it’s a “pet rattle” (wtf?), also looks middle-aged.

The role of crying, confused Adrienne will be played by Catherine Keener.

Anyway, he gives her a nice speech about how they can have it all. That he doesn’t want it to be about this or that and that he is going to trust the person with the bigger heart. (Yo, Chrissy, bigger tits doesn’t mean bigger heart.) He’s sorry that he gave her the impression that he was not into having children all this time. He wants her to know with absolute certainty that he wants to procreate and they’ll be great parents. Life is short (for you). Adrienne is genuinely surprised by this. Now Ads wishes he hadn’t waited so long because now it’s a really tough decision. (A new life versus fake tits. Not an easy call.) He asks her if she wants to have kids and if she wants to have kids with him. She shakes her head no. Aw, poor Chrissy. Not even the Surreal Life and reliving past MFB seasons could make her want to be the next Scott Baio. (Vh1, cut me a check.) She even cites the anger thing as a reason to wait. At the mention of this yet again, I bang my head on the keyboard for a good five minutes.

Adrienne then does her best to change his mind that she’d be a good mom by getting into the limo afterwards and headbanging and shouting “PAAAARTY!!” seeing that Chris is sad and defeated.

Well played, girl.

Chris tells her that she’s selfish and can’t relate to the space that someone else is in. He just wants her to cuddle with him. But Ads is drunk, so it’s time to get pissy! Right on, we haven’t had a pointless fight in a while.

So Adrienne says she’s going to get her shit done and Chris is just going to have to deal with it. It sounds a lot more impressive than it is. Basically all that she has to “do” is have a doctor insert some saline fun bags, but these two like to make themselves sound busier than they actually are. And next week we get to feast our eyes on the new guys! Can’t wait to see all the wonderful “roles” Adrienne gets once she has engorged ta-tas. Her ticket’s so punched.

Okay, Lady Sensation is out till next time. Don’t forget to say good-bye to these, everyone!