My Fair Brady: Knock Knock Knockin’ On Snatch’s Door

I dreamt that I checked the TVgasm website and someone else had started recapping My Fair Brady. I was mangled that someone else had just taken over without informing me. And naturally I hadn’t stopped recapping, so then I had to grieve for the ten to fifteen hours of life I could never get back from this week’s recap. Well, let’s just say when I awoke, I was quite disturbed to find out that my subconscious actually gives a hot damn about writing about these two. Quite. But, there you go, guys. They’ve taken over my brain. May they exploit their private lives forever. Maybe it’s because we’re watching this show in the first place, but I get the sneaking suspicion Vh1 underestimates our intelligence. Or at least our short term memory. Yet again we are watching the same clip over and over. There’s really only about five minutes of new material each week. But whatever. You’ve already branded my amygdala with your dysfunctional programming, now have your way with me. So here we are again reliving the fight. Chris’s (new!) confessional yields another point of the ACLT tally though! He says that they can’t go down the street without her pointing out some girl and saying, “I’d like to f-ck her.” So, the points are rollin’ in now and I just realized I don’t know at what point she’s officially declared a lesbian or not. Uhhh. 8? 30? 100? The season is still in diapers. (Ha! Baby joke! I live for themed humor.)

So Chris leaves Adrienne mid-fight as we all know from previews, recaps and the actual episode from last week. After he gets the hell outta dodge, Adrienne calls his cell and it’s turned off. Oh, no he did not. That is seriously the most annoying thing someone can do in a fight. Readers: Keep your cell phones on during all times of pointless quarreling! Because you know what: the person is not gonna go away! You’re going to have to turn on your phone again at some point. An intentional turn-off of the cell in those dire moments in so not cool, Chrissy. Be a man and just talk to crazy. You’re only going to bring down bigger wrath the more you prolong it. I wouldn’t think he’d be making such amateurish moves at this stage of the game.

“Hey sweetcheeks, it’s me. I just hooked up with Deal-or-No-Deal Kelly. Next I’m going to burn your Brady scrapbook. That’ll learn ya.”

So while his phone was resting, Chris checks into another hotel room (I become very preoccupied in knowing if this is by the hour.) and calls their shrink, the butter-voiced Dr. Pine. Chris decided it’s high time he tell her that he gets creeped out by Adrienne’s lesbian proclivities, because apparently this subject has NEVER EVER come up before in any of their thrice-weekly sessions. Which is funny because it comes up EVERY MINUTE of this freaking show.

“I just didn’t want to hear that Sean Kingston ringtone she put on my phone.”

But I really have nothing bad to say about this Dr. Pine lady. She is calm, rational and marginally insightful. She explains to Chris that if he’d noticed Adrienne’s patterns, she runs to her women when she needs help, so her experiences with women are about comfort and safety. That doesn’t quite explain how that got warped into her wanting to boff chicks all the time, but I’ll let that slide since Chris and Adrienne are the numbskulls that never mentioned this to her before. And she doesn’t seem to flinch when Chris brings this up for the alleged first time. The Pine is unflappable.

So back at Brady Cabin, Adrienne is calling her friends, while she shakes and rocks herself back and forth. Yep, I totally called it on the rocking business. I know all the standard reactions to emotional fall outs. Adrienne is taking this pretty hard. I am sometimes surprised when I see this girl care. I always assume that this is relationship and show is all for the benefit of their fame whore-iness, so I’m pleasantly surprised when I see her all mangled. Not because I want to see her hurt, but I like it when they show genuine emotion. Bleed for me, reality bitches!!

Rock-a-bye Brady. You heard it here first.

So at last Chris returns that night and apologizes for running out. Uh, too bad about that hotel room you just rented. What a waste of money!

Don’t worry about Vh1′s budget or anything. They love picking up the tab for pity parties.

So these two attempt to have a conversation about discovering yourself and knowing who you are. I love when reality stars parrot psych 101. It makes me feel like we’re really growing together on this journey of self-exploration and understanding.

So Adrienne admits that she’s bisexual, which I’m not sure merits conclusive evidence for the ACLT experiment because she says a lot of things we can’t take seriously and besides that, I like to count things. She says it doesn’t matter about being bisexual, because she’s found her man, to which Chris rightfully replies that she should just drop the whole lezzy schtick then. He tells her it’s not impressive, it doesn’t turn him on, it creeps him out, and it’s disrespectful. Oh, come now, Chrissy pants, tell us how you really feel!

But AC gets the last word as always, sobbing and shaking, she manages to whimper that he should stop telling her he’ll leave her and stop telling her she’s not good enough for him. Oh, man. This girl just slam dunks it in the victim department. Lame ol’ Chrissy just hates two hot girls hooking up!

And now finally they are going back to LA. Adrienne announces that she’s driving today, which I didn’t think needed to be announced, because doesn’t she always drive? Now Adrienne gets my compassion when she’s all teary and vulnerable but when she morphs into super bitch, which is upwards of 80% of the time, I feel bad for Chris. For all her Chris-is-awful-to-me talk, Chris never says go to hell, fuck you, asshole or the myriad of other juvenile names she throws down. Name-calling is really not cool in adult relationships, Curie. Maybe that’s why he says you’re not good enough.

Chris prefers, “I love you but I just don’t like you right now.”

And now for more fun car time with Chris and Adrienne! Once again, no singing along to Top 40 radio for these two. Adrienne is too busy doing everything possible to bait him into an argument AGAIN. Chris tries to ignore her as much as possible, but trying to ignore pissy Adrienne is like trying to ignore Mount Vesuvius in Pompeii, 79 AD. Basically, you’re fucked.

But finally we’re back home and thank god we’re back. But even as they walk into the condo, she still has to talk about the GD photo shoot! Her intentions were good. She wanted to make him happy, blah blah blah. In fact, to save us all some time and sanity, let me summarize every conversation these two have ever had and ever will have:

blah blah blah blah blah blah &*#@$#@% blah blah blah blah blah blah @#($*&%#! blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah *@#&$#@$blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah #@$*&@#(*$& blah blah blah blah blah @#(*$&#@&$%*^ blah blah blah blah blah blah@#($*&#@*(% blah blah lah blah blah @#(*&$(%^@#$ blah blah blah blah. Okay, let’s go f*ck now!!

So there you have it. Let’s shut it down and go home. Kidding! This is all too much fun to stop now. I’ve learned this week in Celebrity Rehab that quitting is a big no-no and I’m now applying it to even the most extreme and unhealthy situations. Like this!

So back to the fight. Chris pleads that they we take a break from the photo shoot talk. AMEN. This prompts Adrienne to call Chris Captain Douchebag. I prefer calling my men Douche Wonder when it comes to my Douchebag needs, but whatevs. I’m open.

But apparently they’re not taking a break from anything. Now we’re in the office and we’re getting into the bigger issues here and believe me, these two have some doozies. Chris says that he’s working on his baggage and she’s not working on hers. In fact, her baggage is “slappin’ him” all over the place! Sounds kinky! The trash talking is killing Chris, but Adrienne comes up with the dig that Chris has already done twenty years of therapy. Look how far he’s gotten! Adrienne says she wants to get help and she’s genuinely tired of slinging shit. About time. They both might see therapists independently of couples counseling. They are both so broken and beaten down by life. And now more than anything they need to support each other now and be released from their pain. At the end of the day, these two codependents need each other. So now they hold each other and rock each other and…suddenly I’m genuinely moved. Eff me and my tender heartstrings any time someone starts rocking. And now Adrienne says she has a Great Idea: they should “do it”.

Wasn’t it better when I just “blah blah blah” paraphrased it?

And now for the requisite bed scene. Now with Adrienne’s ass!

Slightly less nauseating than Dragon Breath.

Next on the agenda: time for the boobies fight. (I really do just have this ongoing visual in my head of the producers holding up various, large cue cards behind the cameras reminding them of things they are required to fight about. Seriously, these two could find a way to argue about whether or not unicorns are awesome and I think the world is pretty much clear on that one.)

Not debatable.

Adrienne talks about how she’s a model and that she is basically impressed with herself that she’s gone this long without altering her fun bags. Uh, girl. Models have no fun bags. And can someone clarify, didn’t she already have some sort of surgery done to make her breasts equal? I feel like I remember an US weekly article from about two years ago saying she had to even them out because one was an A cup and one was a C cup. Is this girl just never satisfied??

Anyway, Adrienne has a doctor’s appointment that afternoon, and Chris tells her not to go because he would rather go to a cooking class with her, because they should really do something together. Yeah, that sounds like the best idea ever. I was just thinking how all their problems would be solved if they just started spending more time together. Well, Adrienne doesn’t give a flying flip about learning how to make apple tartin, because she’s got big breast decisions to make. Literally and figuratively!

Adrienne goes to the booby doctor, or as she describes him, THE booby doctor, Dr. Ryan.

I’m so much better than Gob Bluth.

And now here comes the conversation we’ve seen in upteenth previews, THE BD tells her that if she wants to have a kid in the next few years, she should wait to have the breast surgery done. Well, Adrienne then informs us that she and Chris decided they would wait to have children for about eight or nine years. Great news! This means there will be nothing to fight about, Adrienne will get her boobs done, and they won’t terrorize the world with their offspring for almost a decade. Oh, if only everything were that simple, people!

Adrienne comes back with the news and Chris gets mad confused about the connection between children and breasts. Seriously, it’s like he groks Adrienne’s mental capabilities for a moment. He doesn’t get that new implants and engorged, nursing bosoms and suckling babies might not be the best combination.

Does titration mean the rationing of tits?

So they appear to be arguing at this point and yet they are saying the same thing. Neither of them wants to have children for a while. Yay! Adrienne says that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones inspire her, but these two are more Whitney and Bobby than Mikey and CZJ. Although credit where credit is due, later Adrienne says possibly the awesomest thing she has ever said. She warns him not to tell her she can get the surgery and then have him “KNOCKING ON HER VAGINAL DOOR” to have babies in a few months. I love it so much, I’m going to tell that to every guy I date from now on and see how that works out. My original image idea was NSFW or people with weak stomachs, but I’m still happy with this compromise. Let’s have at it again.

Alright, so these two seem to be on the same page for right now, and I think we were allowed to end in a détente because Vh1 knows we’re as broken down as these two. Let’s all hold each other and rock back and forth. We need to support each other and work on our issues together. Namely the issue that keeps us coming back for more. IS out.