My Fair Brady: Mommie Dearest

Welcome back! Does it seem different around here? If it does, it’s because everybody at My Fair Brady changed their minds this week. Adrienne is total mother material after all. “Babysitting” for an afternoon while the actual parents stick around and the cameras roll, now qualifies people as excellent parent material.

In all fairness, Adrienne’s future stepmom said she’s really sweet, so this has to count for something. Although no one points out that Denise Richards always seemed really sweet and look how that turned out. So, if you’re not drinking the kool-aid, read on. If you are buying this new maternal song and dance, I recommend you never procreate either.

We open on our hereos in the bedroom and thank god there’s no mention of dragon breath. Vh1 has replaced that with gratuitous ass shots of Adrienne, which seems unnecessary, but I’m pleased they saw my open letter. It’s always nice to feel heard. Adrienne is marveling over the spot where her new huge breastesses will surely be in a matter of time.

Chris, however, is concerned that this whole thing is just going to give her another reason to flash people. That’s like me wondering if writing these recaps is going to give another reason to make shitty photoshop art. Also since Adrienne has never had a surgery before he describes the pending aftermath as an “interesting recovery period”. So now we know that Vh1 has their next season lined up even if she doesn’t end up preggo. Fannntastic.

Ten more years of reality shows with you? Now I know how Katie Holmes feels.

Chris gets up for the day and Adrienne actually says, “Don’t leave mama.” Oh, ew, girl. Shut it. But Chrissy just can’t stay in bed for he’s “got things to do”!!! Now Chris is many things, but “gainfully employed” he is not. Things to do indeed.

His schedule is jam-packed with phantom cooking classes and scrabble dates on Facebook. (Seriously, what does this man do with his time?) The early bird gets the worm, chides Chris. And his worm is outta there! Guess you’re not getting any, Adrienne. But Adrienne doesn’t want the worm ’till it takes a shower. So, there. But, wait. Isn’t Chris the bird in this scenario, geniuses?

So after his morning AIM session with his parents, Chris studies a 16×20 sheet of blank paper carefully and then calls his married-with-children friend, Don, after he finally concedes the staring contest to the paper.

Rats. Skunked again.

Don, “neighborhood friend”, has been hired by Vh1 to brow beat our heroes into procreating. The troops are coming, he exclaims! He’s bringing the rugrats to the beach for one big playdate. Chris and Adrienne are going to do some supervised baby-sitting and Chris gets in a zinger about being so experienced with Adrienne and all. Sometimes the truth is funny, Chris, but in your case it’s just creepy.

So the whole gang tromps out to the beach and we have all four adults hovering over two small children and yet nobody can manage to keep sand from repeatedly finding it’s way into this one’s mouth.

Their stepmoms find them sweet, though.

Adrienne confesses it’s an assload of work having to worry about what your kid is doing, touching, eating 24/7. I know my own mother feels this way. So hopefully this feeling will persist. Chris feels like a natural, but Adrienne points out it’s only been an hour. In the logic contest these days, Adrienne seems to be kicking Chrissy’s ass. And now it’s time for the Neighborhood Don Lecture Series. You are never really ready for kids, he goes on and on about today. If you think about it, you’ll never do it.

“Eff Planned Parenthood,” he cries, raises his fists to the heavens and vows to impregnate Adrienne himself if Chrissy doesn’t prove his manhood. This will perhaps end in a duel. Okay, this doesn’t happen, but when things suck, I like to reimagine them in a way that amuses me. As I become progressively bored with this show, this recap may become entirely made-up.

“Sinner” slogan shirts are all the rage with the new mom set these days. Along with pretending to be blind.

So Adrienne and Chris just get high on their weak beginner’s luck will and decide to have an after party at Don and Cathy’s crib. Adrienne and Cathy go huff rails in the bathroom, while Chris and Don do body shots off the kids. Sigh. No such luck. Actually, Adrienne and Cathy go scrub down the lil tykes, while Chris and Don have more baby talk. Adrienne now understands why parents take bathtub pictures. It’s sooooooo cute!!!!! Contrary to popular belief, it is not to humiliate you a score and a half or so later. Oh, Ads! You are so charming when you fawn over wet babies. You’d be an awesome mom.

Meanwhile, back at the manly pow-wow, Neighborhood Don is going for gusto with his dad speech. Okay, this dude is getting really fucking annoying now and I mean it this time, because I never drop the F-bomb around here. He’s so alarmist and sensationalistic that it veers towards the Lifetime Original. Okay, we can all do the math and realize that if Chris has a kid next year he would be sixty when the kid is only eleven.

Chris, however, is stunned by this mathematical revelation.

Neighborhood Don is on a one-man mission to convince the world that you do not know the true meaning of joy until you have a child. In fact, your life will be meaningless. This is not part of my fictionalized account.

Adrienne is left alone with the children for a minute and she takes the opportunity to pick their brain. Another smart move, because we all know Don and Cath haven’t been delivering the most sage advice to our dynamic duo. She asks the girls when she should have a baby, and they don’t even miss a beat.

Or never.

And now, dear readers, in our next segment, we are treated by a visit from Adrienne’s dad, who is just, you know, your everyday, salt-o’-the-earth Midwestern ogre. Let’s give him a warm TVgasm welcome!

In his natural habitat this is camouflage.

I don’t know much about Adrienne’s dad, but he looks awesome. And he seems to scare the pants off Chris. They have some icebreaker talk about their need to move and how they need more room for all of their “baggage”. Adrienne’s dad laughs at that one! Dang, girl, you on fire this episode, Chrissy. All that Facebook scrabble is makin’ you totally cheeky.

So Adrienne and her dad are having a father-daughter bonding day shooting guns. And I totally have nothing bad to say about this because I am a huge fan of the automatic weapon. In FACT, they are getting trained by American Defense Enterprises, which is where yours truly, Miss Lady Sensation, does her firearms training. I can confirm that they are at the shoot house, which by my experience puts them out in Azusa. For the sake of full disclosure, I went on a date with one of these guys, though it’s hard to tell which one he is from this angle and he was a really great guy. So, basically they rule. Bill, the owner, is a badass and if you are in Los Angeles and like to shoot shit, go to them. I’m so serious, I’ll even go with you. I’m always down to handle a Glock.

I’m sorry, Eddie, whichever one you are. You were also my ex’s gun instructor and that would have made things too awkward. Love, IS.

Adrienne says she feels like a cop with her fat, donut-loving partner and after I grant her a small chuckle, I acknowledge my disappointment that she was really set up for a good “Tubs” reference with that one.

So while those two are out pretending to be Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan, Chris takes Rick’s fiancée, Nicole, out for sushi, a food she has never tried. And Chris is just excited to have a woman that is down to try something new because lame ol’ Adrienne doesn’t try anything new ever. What he doesn’t like is that Nicole is his age. Total turn-off.

So as the sake flows, Nicole brings up the kid question and Chris finds it funny that every single scene in his life involves dialogue about kids. Well, let me clear it up for you. Your life is basically like this dumb, scripted Truman Show where the producers and story supervisors have decided that this week’s theme is children. The only difference is that you’re supposed to be in on it.

Chris tells Nicole that now he recognizes if he doesn’t have children, he will feel like he is missing out on something. In his defense, Neighborhood Don was standing behind Nicole making a slit-your-throat gesture in the background when she asked. Nicole asks Chris where he sees himself in a couple of years and he goes, “Diapers”. As you can see, diapers are a great punchline to any joke.

Oh, my! You’re just a stitch!

So Adrienne and her dad go get some bbq after shooting the shit (literally!) and they talk about getting a gun in the house. It would make her feel safer. Adrienne says that Chris is concerned she’ll hurt him, but this is nonsense because Chris is the “ragehead”. Yeah, that’s what I call everybody that tries to disagree with me, too. Adrienne’s dad nods his consent on that one. My parents always think I’m right, too. Always. Unless they’re being rageheads. Adrienne’s dad also says he hopes that they aren’t considering children. Midwestern Ogres are notoriously sensible creatures. Me likes. Then Adrienne’s dad does on to say that he hopes they keep working on it, because he does want a grand baby. Sensible creatures with a heart.

Back with Nicole and Chris, Nicole thinks Chris would be great dad and that he would especially be a good house dad, and Chris is lovin’ this idea. And now Nicole drops the line about Adrienne being great mother material because she’s so sweet. And with this revelation, Chris realizes it’s just awful that he’s been telling her she would be a bad mom. Now it totally makes complete sense that they’ll be great parents!! They saw someone else’s kids. They didn’t kill them. Bingo! So, Chris said he feels bad he’s put these awful ideas in her head and that now he needs to get her a card. And Nicole just thinks that’s a “lovely idea”. And I’m beginning to think that Nicole was lobotomized at some point in her life. And I’m not saying Chris has the drawing skills of a first-grader, but this is totally the mental image I get when he talks greeting card on me.

Everybody is all together back at the ranch and Adrienne is going on about bearing arms AND bigger tits. Eh, shut it. And now everyone says good-bye and this is apparently the end of the visit. That seemed abrupt, but whatevs, who can track the elusive steps of the Midwestern Ogre. So now Chris and Adrienne have a rap sesh and Chris is trying to get the dirt on what Adrienne’s dad thinks and what he said about him during their day together. Adrienne admits he thinks Chris has a rage problem. Adrienne neglects the fact that she said it first, but I’m kind of digging it, so I can keep this trick for future discussions with boyfriends. Throw my mom or dad under the bus and get ‘em shaking in their boots. It works because now Chrissy gets all, I’m not goin’ down like that, and calls Adrienne’s dad to gather everyone together again. He demands they all go to a pub and hang out together. No one ever gets drunk and ragehead-y at pubs. Good plan.

So they chalk up the cues and play some pool. Throwing back Schlitz and after Schlitz is an awesome way to show that you are cool as a cucumber. Adrienne and Nicole have girl talk and Adrienne tells Nicole that she won’t have children until Chris learns to check his rage. Since when did Chris’s rage become the reason for not having babies? First it was Adrienne might be a lesbian (R.I.P This week’s ACLT tally), then it was her breast augmentation plans, now it’s Chris’s rage? I call shenanigans. So, across the bar, our jocular ogre starts laughing about how it makes him nervous when two women talk. But Chris said he’s the one that’s nervous. When Ogre asks about kids, Chris actually starts stuttering and sputtering and can’t even make a damn sentence. The ogre gets as annoyed as I do and crushes Chrissy’s head between his giant manacles thus putting us all out of our misery.

Proving my long-standing theory that a proclivity towards wearing slogan shirts is genetic.

Chris says he sees himself being at home while she’s working. He said it could be good or a nightmare. Ogre gets it. Once the ogre admits that Adrienne is indeed a pain in the ass, things start to relax and it looks like they are genuinely starting to bond. Ah, good for you, Chrissy, although it would have been way funnier if Ogre had thrown down some Mortal Kombat.

Lobotomized Nicole is once again convincing Adrienne she’d make a great mother. And Adrienne is laying it on pretty thick with the poor me. Chris always says she’s wrong, blah blah blah. God, between the two of them the (pity) parties are off the chizzain!

And now it’s time to leave our heroes for this week. And we leave them blinding drunk. Adrienne collapses on the bed, refuses to get out of her Pink Floyd jacket and shouts out “Pink Floyd RULES!!” like she’s actually Chris’s age, which totally turns him off for a sec. But then he’s into it again when they have really gross banter about doing it “sloppy” and Ads signs off with a rip-roaring belch. God, I hope the use protection.

So next week, we get to hear about how Adrienne’s career is taking off. (Next week’s new and exciting excuse for not having kids.) This week she’s mother material, next week she’s taking the modeling world by storm. My fictionalized accounts are going to be more believable at this rate.

Lady Sensation out.