Everyone’s favorite hell on wheels is back! And admit it, you missed her. You couldn’t possibly tell me that you’d had enough of Adrienne Curry after ANTM, The Surreal Life and two previous seasons of My Fair Brady. She’s just getting started! The flatulence, the vulgarity, the knee jerk reactions, the general immaturity with which she approaches life itself! Expect at least six more seasons. A winning combination of unwavering self-confidence and unchecked emotional imbalance, I have to confess, I could watch this girl read a phone book. Within two seconds she’d be fighting with it and then two seconds later using it to [censored]. Ah, Mrs. Knight. Where would our television sets be without you?
So, of course we get the two minute recap of the previous seasons, which indicate that these two should be going to the Dr. Phil house instead of Vh1. (But Vh1 Celebreality is kind of like one big Dr. Phil house these days, innit?) So what do these individuals have in common again other than they both think Adrienne is hot? Adrienne is screaming and crying in every scene and Christopher Knight is losing the fight fast. A part of me feels for him and then a part of me is like, What a F@cktard. Wow, seeing them makes me feel like maybe the last guy I dated and I have a snowball’s chance in hell after all. I only screamed obscenities on the street once. Anyway, after I go through the turbulent Knight-Curry love affair recap: from meeting on that popular dating show The Surreal Life to using their love to create a career in reality television, I realize I am glad these people have found each other. Some men just want to be psychologically abused late in life by a crazy twenty-five year old. I get it.
So we’re up to date on their trials and tribulations and the Knights begin the day in their Manhattan Beach condo. (Much love to the MB! Y’all got an awesome Bikram’s studio!) So, while Wench (her words, not mine) makes her breakfast, she dishes that she’s “the man” in the relationship. Whatever happened to the good old days, where a woman wanted the man to be the man? I find this to entire show to be a fascinating sociological study, since I buy into gender stereotypes like it’s 1955. C. Knight sure does dote on her though, so I guess she’s doing something right. Watch and learn, ladies. Burping “I love you” cannot be underestimated.
You look so smart when you’re concentrating, baby. Your name should be Adrienne Curie.
So the wedding photographer comes over to their house to show them their wedding pictures, which was no doubt arranged by production for the benefit of those poor suckers who watched last season’s “journey” to the altar. And I use the term “wedding” loosely because it looks like stills from a Girls Gone WIld shoot. Adrienne trying somehow to get her tits out of her dress? Check. Sucking face with another woman? Check. In this case the woman being another dominatrix of the soul, pro wrestler Chyna Doll. She tells the wedding photog that she “f*cked chicks” growing up.
In the previews we see that this season we are heading fast towards a huge fight (which I’m DYING FOR, people!!) where Chris accuses Adrienne of being a lesbian. Now, I realize that you can hook up with chicks and not be a card-carrying lesbian, but Adrienne talks about how much she likes chicks A LOT. So, for the sake of truth, I am going to conduct an experiment using the Scientific Method. I will test my hypothesis that Adrienne hates men, prefers chicks, and only likes being with men so she can bully them. I will call this the Adrienne Curie Lesbionic Titration and it will basically consist of me creating a running tally of every time she mentions liking girls or hooking up with them. And I will therefore be able to deduce whether or not she is a lesbian. Hard science, y’all! ACLT tally: 1
In case I hadn’t mentioned it, I’m the bottom.
So Mr. and Mrs. Curry are in the process looking for a new house because the current one doesn’t feel like it’s Adrienne’s. Are you kidding me? The woman simply walks in a room and it feels like a military takeover. But whatever, this is getting us to our raison d’etre. Our girl is starting to ask important, show-themed questions: is this house child-friendly? And it’s high time the producers reminded them that they needed to start fighting about baby stuff, because with the whole world as source material, they can get a little sidetracked. So now blah blah blah. They take what seems like forever to have a tedious argument at ONE house about its child-friendliness like it’s the only house they could move into in the Los Angeles area. Apparently I’m taking this too lightly because Adrienne puts things back into perspective with her final words on the issue (and again her words, not mine): People kill each other over this kind of sh*t.
If only their house had been child friendly.
So after a trying day of getting nowhere, our couple goes out with two middle-aged couples and this is where I just get confused over Adrienne Curry’s life decision. I mean, my parents have great friends and all, but it’s not like I married one of them and now just kick it with them on their margarita outings to Baja Cantina. How does she just act like she’s one of the gang??
Did anyone catch that Law and Order repeat last night?
They talk about their sex lives, so I won’t go into it for the sake of people with gag reflexes everywhere. It appears she’s lovin’ their advice on life and love, but I can’t imagine her being a big advice taker on anything. Oh, Adrienne, so sweet of you to indulge the old folks!
So back at the condo, we get into the Baby Talk again. Once again, I’m sure at the behest of the producers. And the big argument is “when”, but I think they should take a step back and ask, WHY. Why are these two going to unleash a spawn upon the world?? Why, God, why?? Because with the cameras rolling and this season having the whole baby theme, Adrienne has to get knocked up so as not to disappoint the viewers at home. And despite interpersonal dynamics, biology still trumps, so will be Adrienne that has this thing.
So now we get to see the classic set-up of The Chris and Adrienne Knock Down Drag Out. Which is this: every time Chris tries to take a stand or have an opinion, Adrienne accuses him of being controlling and making everything HIS way. Now, this is high comedy, folks. And the funniest part is, I think she believes it. And this is what this does to him. You kinda feel bad for the chump, but then you really can’t.
You make me one of those flat PSA people that smoke marijuana.
And I know this could be seen as splitting hairs, but I have to say that my favorite part of this scene is when she tells Chris all serious-like (and trying to drive home her idea that he’s soooo out of line for vocalizing his opinion) that they should drop the kid issue “until you feel it’s time for you to bear a baby.” AAHAHA. I laugh just typing it. Adrienne, I love you when you try and talk like a grown-up! Anyone over the age of sixteen knows that you have a baby and bear children. Don’t ask me why, that’s just the way it is. But I love you for not giving a f#ck about whether you have a children or bear babies! As long as you get your way!
*$*^$ Chris! I’ll just bear brownies instead!
So after the fighting, we always get a lovey-dovey or uncomfortably sexy moment. Ac-cording to Chris, they are great at going through battles and then putting them aside. On a side note: Adrienne thinks she handles their fights more maturely.
And now we get to hear about Adrienne’s birthday gift for Chris that she is jacked about, because she had to shaving her “female flower”. And we can already see where this is heading because Adrienne is far more excited than Chris. She leaves the house to go procure the “ultimate gift”, which we learn is an “artsy” nude shoot. And so you know, she moons the neighbors on the sidewalk on the way out. (Hey, it’s expensive to get the kitty groomed. A girl wants some appreciation.)
And, holy hell, they gave this girl a license?? She almost takes out half of Manhattan Beach driving to her shoot and I attribute it to the fact that she gets all hot and bothered talking to her friend about…how this whole thing is an excuse to get in a girl’s pants! Point for the ACLT tally! It turns out her “hot” Deal or No Deal friend Kelly is showing up to take pictures with her. LOL, department of the redundancy department alert! All the Deal or No Deal girls are hot! So we get to the shoot where Adrienne informs us again that this is an “artsy”, “vogue” shoot.
Uh, No Deal.
And we end with an extended montage of what we are in for this season and let’s just say mad hijinks are in store for us, gang. Adrienne wants her titties done and this will delay procreation. (Anything, god! I’ll take it!) But Chris will be like a hundred years old when the kid is ten if they wait any longer, so we are at a crossroads. What’s gonna happen?? Boobies or babies?? (We see a scene where Adrienne talks about being raped and abducted and I have a moment where I feel genuinely sad. I am so sorry this happened to you, AC! I know I make fun of you, but I just spent twelve hours of my life writing this recap! See how much I really do love you? xoxoxoxxoxoxox)
She talks about how much likes chicks in a sauna scene, which gets the hard scientist in me all excited, but I’ll be fair and wait till it’s the actual episode to report the finding. And then the scene we keep getting teased with: the giving of the birthday gift to Chris. It looks like Chris might leave our girl because the girl-on-girl pictures creep him out and he accuses her of…being a lesbian! I keep watching this clip over and over laughing hysterically, because for once I can totally relate to something AC is going through. The snowball guy and I were totally barreling towards a moment like this! The truth IS funny!!
Girl, we all feel this way.
I know our tally is low now, people, but patience is the key to any success. So, come back next week gang and see if Adrienne chooses bearing a baby over bearing bigger titties. Guaranteed to be an exercise in self-loathing and humiliation. You wouldn’t dare miss it, wenches.