My Fair Brady: One Man In America Doesn’t Want A Threesome

by InternetSensation

We pick up where we left off at the photo shoot Adrienne’s doing as a birthday gift for her husband and daily punching bag, Christopher Knight. Someone with a sense of humor at Vh1 decided that we needed to be reminded what passes for “artsy” in Adrienne Curry’s world. Well played, Vh1. I am indeed LMAO. Although, you get the last laugh because I’m the one watching.

Matthew Barney bites lamé ties, too.

And now we really up the yuk factor because AC decides to elucidate why she and Deal-or-No-Deal Kelly are so damn hot and why Chris has so totally had a least a few private moments thinking about these two. I am going to transcribe it directly because I can’t make it any funnier. “All his friends and him always say that we’re, like, you know, the double threat when we go out. We’re both tall, beautiful, brunette. We look like sisters.”

The brainy one.

So our heroine returns home and she doesn’t know how she is going to keep this Ultimate Birthday Gift (UBG) a secret. She said she’s going to have to learn how to keep her mouth shut till tomorrow night. Nothing gets Adrienne talking like girl-on-girl, but I won’t count this for the tally, because the bigger issue at hand is that she can’t shut her pie hole. Ever.

At dinner they begin discussing Chris’s birthday trip the next day and apparently Chris and Adrienne just met. She just learned this very evening that her husband doesn’t like cold weather. She didn’t notice before that he, you know, doesn’t like freezing his ass off. It takes a while in a relationship to get to those vulnerable weather discussions. But A for effort, because she asks him about twelve times if he doesn’t like to “play” in the snow. He’s sixty years old! Why are you asking him if he wants to make snow angels with you? Well, Adrienne is “slowly shitting” her pants because genius planned his whole birthday around cold weather. Oops. We’ll see if that goes over as well as the Ultimate Birthday Gift. Can’t wait!


And now, An Open letter to Producers and Editors of My Fair Brady: Maybe Baby,

Hi, there. I want to preface this by saying really great stuff so far this season. Just a quick note to make things a little less vom-inducing. We, your loyal viewing community, do not need a scene each episode of Adrienne and Chris waking up with Chris licking or kissing Adrienne’s back and Adrienne commenting about his “dragon breath”. If you take Adrienne’s disgust for dragon breath and multiply it by 1,000, then you are beginning to approach our disgust for having to see them play this out each episode. Seeing as this only the second episode, I know you can make this right and fill that time with, I don’t know, footage of Adrienne running over small children in her SUV. That’s way funnier. Please never put any ideas in our heads again about what Christopher Knight’s breath smells like in the morning. Other than that, you really could not gild the lily.

Sincerely,

The Internet Sensation

Happy 49th Birthday, Mr. Curry! You get to play in the snow today!

Adrienne and Chris are driving out to Big Bear, a nice day trip from Los Angeles. Now it is probably only a two or three hour drive out there, but I can’t imagine spending ten minutes in the car with these two. Not only does Adrienne once again almost run people over, she likes to rehash old arguments when she drives. Fun!

The producers reminded them again they have a procreation issue at hand (because we all know there’s no way Adrienne could remember that when her one track mind is focused on keeping the UBG a secret.) And this is when I think Chris might not be so bad because apparently he has told Adrienne they should not procreate for the following reasons: She would be a bad mother. She can’t cook, can’t clean, can’t take care of anything. He would be a bad father. Their children should be taken away by the state.

This man is kind of awesome. And then he lays down the trump card: This is my birthday, bitch! STFU! I wish it were his birthday everyday, because it actually works. Adrienne makes nice by pulling out her naked titt-ay while she’s driving and Chrissy takes a picture. See? All better! Watch and learn again, ladies! How have I been dating for over a decade without these effective communication techniques??

Finally these two arrive at the cabin and in his ongoing efforts to remind us of why he is relevant, he describes the cabin as “Brady-like”. So I actually IMDBed Christopher Knight to see when his birthday is because Adrienne looked like she picked the wrong time to go to Big Bear.

CK’s birthday was in early November and I silently judge her dumb-dumb decision to go to Big Bear and think there would be snow in early November. (Aside: Who knew pussy pants Chrissy was a scorpio? Scorpios are no joke. I sure can’t push around a scorpio for the life of me. But I let bunny rabbits boss me around, so I can’t really speak authoritatively on the matter.) Well, it looks like Chris had nothing to worry about, because this is the much touted “snow” playing.

Aw, they both win after all.

After they get their artificial snow on, they come back to Bradyville to deliver the highly anticipated hot tub scene dedicated analysts have been waiting for: point for the ACLT tally (or Adrienne Curie Identified Lesbionic Titration, if that meets your aconymic needs better). But first, she takes a walk down memory lane with Chris to when they celebrated his first birthday together while filming the Surreal Life. Since I never saw this, I cannot understand why they are at a strip club putting dollar bills in Adrienne’s dress.

Reality stars are easily confused.

Back in present time, Adrienne is finally delivering her line about not caring for men that much, but preferring “hot chicks”. Chris laments that he “married a dyke” and Adrienne does not refute this, so point 4 for the ACLT! And point 5 for asking him if she can eventually eff chicks in front of him when their sex life dies down. Straight women go for toys, girl! You can’t fool me. I’m a scientist!

Onto the birthday dinner! Adrienne puts on a birthday hat and blows birthday blowers and demands that he put his “f*cking hat on” like the brattiest six-year old ever. Sometimes I think this one does need a babysitter. Possibly a hot chick. She again reminds us over and over again how excited she is to give the UBG, dumps confetti on Chris’s head, and puts on the candles (Ho, snap! I stand corrected, this girl is twenty-four, not twenty-five. God, this age difference really disturbs me.) I can’t think about that for long though because suddenly I am distracted by the huge sheet cake she got for him, the kind you see at a large office party of you know, more than two people. Maybe she invited strippers! Maybe Deal-or-No-Deal Kelly?? Chris would loooove that.

You don’t have to have an advanced degree in Reality Television Studies to know that the rhetorical device “irony” plays a large part of these narratives. Basically the viewer knows the the more Adrienne is excited about something, the more it will be a complete disaster. And we just get to sit back and enjoy. (Sometimes I try imagine my life before reality television and then I realize I can’t remember living before that time.) But, I digress. So Chris loves the shoot of Adrienne solo and is actually quite sweet about it, since he really loves his adopted daughter. But, oddly, he acts like she went waaay out of her way to pose in front of a camera. Um, doesn’t she model for a living? That’s like if I offered to write my mom a snarky recap of our last visit for her birthday. What a stretch.

She’s “just a normal girl!”

So, back to our original double threat, Adrienne tells Chris to sit down because she’s comin’ at him with the UBG! And you know it’s a problem when Adrienne starts doing all the talking as soon as he starts looking at it. She points out that it’s Kelly. (Duh! Like he doesn’t recognize the other half of Manhattan Beach’s famous double threat.) Then she asks “How hot is that??” a few times and calls it “masturbating material”.

I like the “Oh, boy, oh boy!” she throws in like a dirty old man, because it sounds like something I want to start saying. Chris is still not saying a damn thing, so she just grabs it from him and starts looking at it herself. By the way, does anyone else think this looks like the cheapest photo album ever? Like she ran out and got the largest size at CVS?

A stickler for presentation.

Anyway Chris muses thoughtfully that he married a lipstick lesbian to which Adrienne screams back that she’s not a f*cking dyke! We’ll let science decide that one, missy. She screams, “IT’S ART!!”, which is what I do every time I walk into a really pretentious art gallery. People really get my sense of humor at those places. Then she starts waxing sapphic AGAIN at how sexy this Kelly girl is. Now please let me know if you disagree, but I think the fact that she thinks Kelly is at all hot says she truly prefers women. I mean COME ON. I’ll be the first to admit I’m a gratuitous hater, but I’ll admit a hot girl when I see one. For all her annoying-ness, I’ll give it up for Adrienne. Bitch is hot. I found Kelly’s Deal-or-No-Deal bio on the NBC website and really good reading when you have a second, people. Fun facts: She’s pursuing a modeling career full-time!

Adrienne starts her spiel about it all being for Chris, but he’s still a little disturbed by it. Adrienne starts pouting and crying, locks herself in a room, we can hear her going, “Oh, god, WTF did i just do?” And a part of me feels bad for her because I totally do that kind of thing when someone doesn’t like a gift I gave them. In fact, right now she’s sitting with her knees pulled into her chest rocking herself. Trick of the trade.

When she comes back out, ready to take him on again, Adrienne says that Chris always said Kelly was hot and Chris reminds her that every time she’s asked about a girl having a threesome with them, he said no. And I learn something new again because I didn’t know guys turned down that sort of thing. I always thought you had to have threesomes with your boyfriend. No one told me anything about dating. Adrienne keeps insisting in a really distracting way that this is a “professional” photo shoot, which confuses me because they didn’t get paid for it, but maybe she classifies it as such because they’re both “full-time” models. Who knows. Chris keeps trying to tell her that it was for her, not him, which I think everyone would agree with.

And now she’s pissed off and screaming about not having feelings for her and only wanting him. She screams that she’s not not a lesbian, that she’s a CHRISTIAN! But she says it really funny like CHRIS-tee-in and I can’t tell if she’s saying that she’s a Christian, like only into him, or Christian, like the religion. I hope that she’s saying that she’s only into him because then that would be really funny and kinda clever, whereas if she’s saying that she’s not a lesbian because she loves Jesus, now that’s just offensive.

Girl, we still all feel this way.

Chris then decides to leave because he feels she crossed the line and that it was physicalization of his worst fear. He fears that she’s hiding behind that fact that she’s in a business that glorifies beautiful women. He is now struggling with the fact he is thinking of having a child with someone who may not be hetero. (Yay, full circle! Back to babies!) Adrienne caterwauls, “The solution is not you abandoning meeeeee!”, which I am surprised to hear because it sounds like she has achieved a register only dogs can hear. The previews for next week show that he comes back so don’t lose any sleep that our fair bradies are dunzo. Never!

Okay guys, I’m out. I have to go pretend I have a life other than transcribing the arguments of reality television stars. (I don’t!) Much loves till next time.