My Name is Sutter Cane, and I Am a Movie Snob

Recaps

By Sutter Cane | Wednesday, January 10, 2007 | 12:23 pm | 21 Comments
Posted in: Recaps

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I recently came to a disturbing realization. It’s hard for me to admit this to all four of you at once, but… somehow, recently I think… through some weird lycanthropic transformation… I became a movie snob.

I’ll give you all a minute to collect yourselves. I know that’s a shock. Believe me, it was to me, too.
See, I’d never really considered myself snobby about anything, much. Okay, well, maybe I’m something of a beer snob lately, but look, Budweiser tastes like piss, okay? Sorry. I like my beer to require some sort of conversion. I may as well pour that stuff right into the toilet.

But it’s one thing to be this way about beer. Compared to movies, beer occupies a very small corner of my life. No more than, say, eating. But movies should require no special pedigree. Each one should be judged individually and on its own merits. Like defendants. Innocent until proven guilty, right? I mean, it’s no fair comparing Predator to The Godfather, is it? Or Airplane! to Schindler’s List?

airplane.one0612_big
Airplane! and Predator are both great movies. Not great like Schindler’s List and The Godfather, but on their own merits, based on their own ambitions and execution. And lets be honest, we’ve all seen Airplane! way more times than we’ve seen Schindler’s List.

And yet, the other day I found myself talking with some friends about The Prestige (over a nice pitcher of Stella, I might add) and attacking it for basically being a mind game. I felt that, after Batman Begins, Christopher Nolan had the chance to make just about anything he wanted. And with the thematic resonance of Memento, the brilliant character work in Insomnia, I was disappointed that he chose to do something so… slight.

But here’s the thing. The Prestige isn’t a bad movie. It’s one of those Entrapment-type movies that’s basically trying to put one over on you but telling you that that’s exactly what it’s trying to do, and daring you to put all the pieces together first. And while some of the twists and turns along the way stretched the credibility a bit, at the end of the day, Nolan fooled me.

theprestige.jpgOn top of which, the performances by Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, and Michael Caine were all good. Scarlett Johansson was mostly irrelevant, but very attractive in a corset. The production design was spectacular, the cinematography beautifully composed. It’s not one for the DVD shelf, but certainly worth the matinee price.

But the way I explained my displeasure to my friends, what I realize now is that I wanted Nolan to make Amadeus, and he went and made Ocean’s Eleven. Classic snobbery.

Now compare this to a conversation I had just few years earlier with another friend after seeing Reign of Fire, which I kind of enjoyed. I asked my friend what he thought, expecting- as we so often do- the validation that he kind of enjoyed it, too. Instead, he said, and I quote: “I thought it sucked.” I asked him why and he said, and again I quote: “I thought the character development sucked.” Character development?! He went to a movie about dragons destroying the earth for character development?! What a…. a… snob!

Right?

jc2poster.jpgOnly now it’s me. I came to this world-shattering realization thanks to my good friend and colleague, Made You Laugh. As we were strolling the lush gardens and gilded hallways of tvgasm headquarters, discussing our very divergent opinions on the A&E telepic Wedding Wars and romantic comedies in general, he suddenly announced, as though struck by invisible lightning, “I can’t believe it. I thought you were a movie fan, but you’re a movie snob.” I immediately retorted with my ardent love and obsessive repeated viewings of that Victor Salva masterpiece: Jeepers Creepers 2. To which he replied, and I’m not even sure he’s going to let me leave this in here, but it’s such a perfect metaphor that I just can’t resist: “You’re like that racist Republican who hides it by telling people exactly how many black people have been in your house.”

And then it hit me. He was right. That’s exactly who I’ve become.

So I turn to you, my faithful flock of moviegasm readers to say… how many, exactly, are required for a flock? Okay, that’s not it. I’m sorry. This is difficult for me. What I mean to say is…

Boa-vs-Python_86__10020025808_20.jpgDangerBeneathTheSea.jpgHelp me. Help me break this curse. I want to love movies the way I used to. I want to frolic through B movies about giant, genetically engineered boa constrictors battling giant, genetically engineered pythons! I want to giggle when I think about the number of times I’ve seen Casper van Dien get killed onscreen! I don’t want my three Netflix to be obscure, character-driven Scandinavian films! Damn you Lars von Trier!!!

What do I have to do to change? What should I watch? How many times? And should I call you in the morning? These are the questions I need answers to. Don’t make me have a telethon. I can do it, people. The halls here aren’t gilded for nothing, you know.

21 Comments

  1. 1
    nmk01
    Posted January 10, 2007 at 1:27 pm

    I, myself, can be a bit of a movie snob. My fiance is a critic for a small local paper, so we have pretty high expectations. Especially considering all the crappy movies we have to see (Miami Vice, anyone?). With that said, here is a list of movies I LOVE, but are absolute crap, and I think that makes me love them even more:

    -Bring it On (Kirsten Dunst and Eliza Dushku, how could you go wrong?)
    -BASEketball (I’m actually a little ashamed of this one)
    -Hope Floats (Beyond sappy, but a darn good movie)
    -Tomb Raider (NOT Angelina’s best acting, but it’s a good ride)

    And BTW, my fiance rated The Prestige his best film of the year…

  2. 2
    bucktown
    Posted January 10, 2007 at 1:44 pm

    Don’t let it bother you. The Prestige was legitimately a crappy movie. In fact, I believe it could even be considered a snobby movie. You didn’t take the movie too seriously. It took itself way too seriously.

    If you want a snob-free movie, watch the honestly best film of 2006, Mike Judge’s Idiocracy.

  3. 3
    T-Bag
    Posted January 10, 2007 at 1:53 pm

    I can’t get enough of B-movies. Here are some good ones:

    -Ax ‘Em. A hundred times, Axe ‘Em. Ax ‘Em till I die. The worst movie ever made. No contest. With a budget of $2, I’m shocked to see it’s on Netflix. See if you can spot the crew member in the background of one of the scenes! Here’s a hint: he’s carrying that black and white clacky thing they use at the beginning of a scene.
    -Raptor. Made by the guy who did Snakes on a Plane. I saw this long before any damn snakes got on any damn plane. What the guy did to save money is brilliant. You see, whenever an expensive, action-packed scene was coming up, he simply stole a scene from another movie and spliced it in! Even if the actors and sets in the stolen scene don’t match up! Genius!
    -Jigsaw. Hilarious acting and dialog make this one a killer. One of the best things to come out of Wisconsin in a long time.
    -Plan 9 From Outer Space. Everyone should see this classic. The only movie to ever make me question my love/hate of Ax ‘Em as the worst movie of all time. If you don’t know the infamous story behind it, Bela Lugosi died halfway through the movie, so any scenes with him that hadn’t been filmed yet, they simply used Ed Wood’s chiropractor who covered his face with a cape to hide the mistake.
    -Flyin’ Ryan. Hilarious. Absolutely, beautifully random. Directed and written by the woman who brought us Purple People Eater. Makes Agent Cody Banks ashamed of himself.

  4. 4
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted January 10, 2007 at 2:05 pm

    Dear Sutter Cane,

    First of all, I wholeheartedly agree with many of your arguments. Predator *is* an excellent movie (within its own genre) just as The Godfather is, too. Starship Troopers is possibly one of the most seditious movies Hollywood’s ever (recently) released, if you can look past the barbie doll actors.

    I liked The Prestige A LOT, so I can’t agree with you there. I didn’t think Nolan sold out or anything.

    I have been a professional film and theatre critic for almost 15 years and I think I’ve discovered the key; fortunately I do not *have* to see every movie that gets released, so I ONLY see the ones I have to or want to. I think that’s what keeps me from getting too jaded about my work, which I love.

    Also, yeah, I always evaluate any given movie on its own merits, taking into account its genre, target audience, intentions and sometimes even budget.

    So, perhaps that is the answer? Avoid all those lame-arse junk movies and pathetic remakes (Hills Have Eyes excluded) and just view the cream, and hopefully soon you’ll get your mojo back.

    Then again, I don’t think being a bit of a film snob is much of a crime. There’s a lot of crap out there that I consider infra dig.

    Hope this helps.

  5. 5
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted January 10, 2007 at 2:07 pm

    Dear Sutter Cane,

    First of all, I wholeheartedly agree with many of your arguments. Predator *is* an excellent movie (within its own genre) just as The Godfather is, too. Starship Troopers is possibly one of the most seditious movies Hollywood’s ever (recently) released, if you can look past the barbie doll actors.

    I liked The Prestige A LOT, so I can’t agree with you there. I didn’t think Nolan sold out or anything.

    I have been a professional film and theatre critic for almost 15 years and I think I’ve discovered the key; fortunately I do not *have* to see every movie that gets released, so I ONLY see the ones I have to or want to. I think that’s what keeps me from getting too jaded about my work, which I love.

    Also, yeah, I always evaluate any given movie on its own merits, taking into account its genre, target audience, intentions and sometimes even budget.

    So, perhaps that is the answer? Avoid all those lame-arse junk movies and pathetic remakes (Hills Have Eyes excluded) and just view the cream, and hopefully soon you’ll get your mojo back.

    Then again, I don’t think being a bit of a film snob is much of a crime. There’s a lot of crap out there that I consider infra dig.

    Hope this helps.

  6. 6
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted January 10, 2007 at 2:43 pm

    How come my comment won’t go up??

  7. 7
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted January 10, 2007 at 2:45 pm

    Oh!

    Here it is —

    Dear Sutter Cane,

    First of all, I wholeheartedly agree with many of your arguments. Predator *is* an excellent movie (within its own genre) just as The Godfather is, too. Starship Troopers is possibly one of the most seditious movies Hollywood’s ever (recently) released, if you can look past the barbie doll actors.

    I liked The Prestige A LOT, so I can’t agree with you there. I didn’t think Nolan sold out or anything.

    I have been a professional film and theatre critic for almost 15 years and I think I’ve discovered the key; fortunately I do not *have* to see every movie that gets released, so I ONLY see the ones I have to or want to. I think that’s what keeps me from getting too jaded about my work, which I love.

    Also, yeah, I always evaluate any given movie on its own merits, taking into account its genre, target audience, intentions and sometimes even budget.

    So, perhaps that is the answer? Avoid all those lame-arse junk movies and pathetic remakes (Hills Have Eyes excluded) and just view the cream, and hopefully soon you’ll get your mojo back.

    Then again, I don’t think being a bit of a film snob is much of a crime. There’s a lot of crap out there that I consider infra dig.

    Hope this helps.

  8. 8
    JasonR
    Posted January 10, 2007 at 3:01 pm

    I also love “Bring It On”.

    I also recommend “Vision Quest”: an 80′s classic with Matthew Modine as a 28 year-old high school wrestler with Linda Fiorentino as the older, big hair sporting love interest. Also notable for featuring about 10 seconds of screen time for an emerging pop singer named Madonna as a bar singer. (By the way, still her best film performance to date).

    The king of the gotta love ‘em, so bad they’re good movies: “Road House” with Patrick Swayze and Sam Shepard. I HAVE to watch this every time it’s on TBS (which is just about every weekend).

    Another favorite 80′s cheese movie: “Can’t Buy Me Love”, featuring a pre-McDreamy Patrick Dempsey from the first time he was famous.

  9. 9
    Jokerbaby4
    Posted January 10, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    “Boa vs. Python” looks AWESOME hahaha!

    I think Lifetime movies are entertaining because you can predict the movie just from reading the title. If you ever see “Cyber Suduction” playing, WATCH IT! It has the kid from “Peter Pan” as a boy who becomes addicted to internet porn and they make it seem like his life is in danger because of it. You will NOT be disappointed!

    Another good one is “She’s Too Young”, which is about a group of tweens who get syphilis.

  10. 10
    Flipit
    Posted January 10, 2007 at 5:12 pm

    Watch Soapdish and then watch Citizen Kane. Then repeat over and over again until you can’t remember where your core values lie anymore.

    PS Bring it On was dissed at Oscar time, but it will always be a winner in my heart.

  11. 11
    chronic
    Posted January 10, 2007 at 6:20 pm

    Hm, not sure why you’ve worked yourself into such a tizzy for finally realizing you’ve had your fill of the hollow, by-the-numbers dreck Hollywood pumps out. I wouldn’t call that being a film snob.

    Yeah, some mind-numbing fun is good every now and then, but a lot of it is just irredeemably bad, and not in a so-bad-it’s-good way either. I think the worst offenders are the ones, like whatever that was you watched, that seem to think they’re important and good. My god, what was that one with Nicole Kidman as the interpreter last year, AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL.

    Anyway, rent the Player, and remind yourself that a bunch of greedy, self-absorbed, and thoroughly unoriginal half-wits are running the show, and why should you feel badly for not liking it.

    Personally I recommend embracing your inner film snob. Plunk down the money for that mahoosive Janus dvd boxset. Why deny yourself, something you might actually really really enjoy.

  12. 12
    pearlblackdragon
    Posted January 10, 2007 at 9:25 pm

    OK, to bring back your enjoyment of inane movies made for no reason other than to entertain I give you THE list. (Well ok, it’s just MY list but it is craptastic movie happiness)

    1 – Cheech and Chong’s Next Movie
    2 – The Breakfast Club
    3 – The Librarian: Quest for the Spear
    4 – Revenge of the Nerds : Nerds in Paradise
    5 – The Legend of Billie Jean

    All except for #3 were 80′s movies when craptastic was the way to go. Now if we could only convince the studio’s to make more like them…;)

  13. 13
    zoobabe
    Posted January 11, 2007 at 5:16 am

    One of my fave chessy movies is First Knight with Richard Gere as Lancelot. I know it may be schmaltzy, but I love it and it gets me every time. You should give it a view.

  14. 14
    zoobabe
    Posted January 11, 2007 at 5:17 am

    ^it’s “chessy” and cheesy :)

  15. 15
    minda07
    Posted January 11, 2007 at 6:22 am

    Here is my list of craptastic films that I must watch everytime they are on:

    1. Bring it on – Seems like everyone can’t help but watch this movie.
    2. 10 Thinhgs I Hate About You – Come on its got Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger.
    3. Girls just want to have fun – Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt and dancing = 80′s gold.
    4. What a Girl Wants – Amanda Bynes is a comic genious and I will stand behind that.
    5.13 Going on 30 – I love Jennifer Gardner in this movie!

  16. 16
    Qui
    Posted January 11, 2007 at 6:37 am

    Here are a few of my favorite awesomely bad movies (of course i would never say they are bad)
    - Quarterback Princess – in this tale Helen Hunt makes the HS football team in a new town – yea, its good.
    - Sideout – the neon and yuppies in this beach volleyball classic make the ’80s seem so close again
    -Attack on Tiny Town – ok, i haven’t actually seen this one but a friend says its GREAT. Its a midget western. Enough said.
    -Strictly Buiness – this is basically a light hearted wallstreet with a black cast. Halle Berry is awesome!

    ENJOY :)

  17. 17
    JasonR
    Posted January 11, 2007 at 6:58 am

    Qui (#13), I totally remember “Quarterback Princess” from my youth. I crushed hard on Helen Hunt after seeing it. Just looked it up on IMDB, and it had a cast with a lot of people who went on to bigger things: Hunt, Tim Robbins, John Stockwell, Daphne Zuniga.

  18. 18
    JasonR
    Posted January 11, 2007 at 7:01 am

    Just thought of another one: “House Party”, circa 1990, with rappers Kid & Play, with Martin Lawrence and Tisha Campbell before they were harassing and suing each other.

  19. 19
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted January 11, 2007 at 3:23 pm

    Dear Sutter Cane,

    First of all, I wholeheartedly agree with many of your arguments.

    Predator *is* an excellent movie (within its own genre) just as The Godfather is, too.

    Starship Troopers is possibly one of the most seditious movies Hollywood’s ever (recently) released, if you can look past the barbie doll actors.

    I liked The Prestige A LOT, so I can’t agree with you there. I didn’t think Nolan sold out or anything.

    I have been a professional film and theatre critic for almost 15 years and I think I’ve discovered the key; fortunately I do not *have* to see every movie that gets released, so I ONLY see the ones I have to or want to. I think that’s what keeps me from getting too jaded about my work, which I love.

    Also, yeah, I always evaluate any given movie on its own merits, taking into account its genre, target audience, intentions and sometimes even budget.

    So, perhaps that is the answer? Avoid all those lame-arse junk movies and pathetic remakes (Hills Have Eyes excluded) and just view the cream, and hopefully soon you’ll get your mojo back.

    Then again, I don’t think being a bit of a film snob is much of a crime.

    There’s a lot of crap out there that I consider infra dig.

    Hope this helps.

  20. 20
    ccknows
    Posted January 11, 2007 at 7:23 pm

    What about Bachelor Party? A true classic. Tom Hanks, Tawny Kitaen and Adrien Zmed, what more could you ask for?

  21. 21
    shannza
    Posted January 16, 2007 at 1:46 pm

    i agree with chronic. being bored and feeling insulted by recycled hollywood garbage does not make you a movie snob. whenever i give in and watch a big studio movie i end up feeling irritated and annoyed. i cannot believe that movies like “the break-up” and “must love dogs” attract audiences and get a-list actors to be in them. you see a lot of movies mr. cane and it only seems natural that you are tired of watching the same plots over and over. embrace your snobbiness! and go watch “bring it on” and the helen hunt dance movie. gems.

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