Nashville: Saddle up, Cowpolk!

Hola chiquitas! I figured since Two Coreys took a brief hiatus this past weekend (SO tragic, I know) I would give you a little sneak peek at the next best thing to hit the airwaves: Nashville! That’s right, I have been bestowed the honor of covering a brand spanking new show by the geniuses behind Laguna Beach. Nashville is being described as a “high-stakes, high-drama docu-soap featuring a cast of young dreamers in the biggest small town in America.” High-stakes? What are they doing, waging their own limbs in a poker game? Let’s get excited, because if that doesn’t sound like one long party, complete with amputated extremities, I don’t know what does.

They don’t look that dangerous…

I have yet to see any actual previews for this show, so I had to do a little detective work (turns out I’m kind of a super-sleuth). I came across a couple of interviews as well as a video of a photo-shoot the whole cast did. What do I think of it so far? Umm… let’s just say I still have no idea how the show is going to go or what the cast is like. Even the blurbs I found were about as helpful as a stick of butter when trying to ward off one of those little dinos in Jurassic Park that are super cute until they go all poison-spitting on you (Fact: the Dilophosaurus LOVES butter). But have no fear, Pach is here! Here to rip on the people who have thrown themselves into the public eye where they will surely get torn to shreds.

I swear, it’s margarine!

First up we have Chuck Wicks, who is so obviously trying to look sexy and brooding in this picture. He is, actually, pretty easy on the eyes. Meaning he’ll either be a huge douche-bag on the show or the love of my life.

My money’s on douche.

The Chuckster is a 28-year-old singer/songwriter from Delaware who claims to write about 100 songs a year. Big deal, I could write 1,000 songs a year if I wanted to, here’s one now:

“Sittin’ here at my work desk

Waitin’ for a good old T-Rex

A T-Rex to be my best friend

But not just a friend

A friend till the end”

Bla-DOW! And that’s just the chorus. It’s meant to be sung in falsetto and is set to a tune that’s pretty kick-ass. Come on, Chuckster, “T-Rex Express” is solid proof that it doesn’t matter how many songs you write if none of them are good. PS: sorry about the dino kick, once I get started…

Next up we have Clint Moseley. He is VP of Sales and Acquisitions at his fathers business where they, get this, buy and sell private jets. How cool is that?! Dude, F the music industry, we’re talking jets! You better believe I’d be all, “Hey, Pops, I’m bored, I’m going to take a jet for a test-fly, mmkay?” He has also been in music videos, on The O.C., and in the upcoming box-office bomb Balls of Fury. Yikes. Aside from the fact that he looks like everything I generally tend to avoid in a guy, he has a part in Balls of Fury. It has got to hurt to be in such a bad movie, it just has to.

Hey, Clint, I’ll trade you the rights to “T-Rex Express” for a jet, whaddya say?

Our next cast member is Jamey Johnson, an ex-marine and successful singer/songwriter. I was almost 100% sold at the ex-marine part (because, come on. Marines are hot) until I saw that he wrote the hit song “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.” Oh. My. God!!! Honky Tonk Badonkadonk?!?! How deliciously country! How Southern Trashtastical! The title alone is positively oozing stereotypes. Feel privileged, gasmi, you will be seeing a master in action. We get to spend a whole season with the man behind such fine lyrics as “Shut my mouth, slap your grandma,” and “Lord have mercy, how’s she even get them britches on that honky tonk badonkadonk.” He also has a 3-year-old daughter, which means he’s been Honky Tonk Badonkadonk-ing all over town, HIYO! Oh man, I am sorry, it’s just so fun to say!

Ready to honky tonk your pants off

There’s not much to say about Jeff Allen,except that he looks like a kewpie Doll. A kewpie doll with lustrous brown locks and a goatee. I bet he’ll be the token “nice guy.” Or, the spawn of Satan. Tough call. Jeff is, no surprise here, a singer/songwriter as well, but without the sparkling credentials of Mr. Jamey Johnson. Booooring!

Free Hugs till 4

Matt Jenkins is the last of the men. He is a 6’4″ (rawr!) singer/songwriter from Texas. He scored a deal with his song “Bad As I Want To” which did not do too well on the charts. He was dropped by his label shortly thereafter, forcing him to start over. OUCH. Wicked burn, FOX, wicked burn. Why not just write “he wrote a shitty song that bombed. Shortly afterwards his wife left him (alone and with gonorrhea).” I’m not a fan, mainly because he looks just like a character from a Lifetime movie I got sucked into watching over the weekend that left me a tad creeped out.

Normal Adolescent Behavior indeed!

Its time for the ladies! First up is Lindsay Hager, a 21-year-old from Pennsylvania’s Amish country. Something strikes me as odd here. Maybe it’s the lack of apron and butter churn, maybe it’s the showing of skin, but I’m pretty sure Lindsay is going to be 100% excommunicated from her town in the very near future. I know, because I spent a whole day in the Amish country as part of an elementary school field trip. They are STRICT! She is pretty, has a puggle named Mickey, and obviously little enough talent to not have any music related references. They did see fit, however, to mention that her brother is autistic. Wait, what exactly does that have to do with anything? No sympathy points for drawing attention to any kind of disability on my watch.

Shouldn’t you be home making quilts?

Mike Combs is a newcomer to the music industry. She just moved to Nashville to make it big (read: spice things up). This is confirmed by the fact that she had ALL of the face time in each of the 3 clips I did manage to see. Does she have any talent? Who cares, this is Nashville! She’s going to be breaking hearts and causing trouble all over town.

Now THAT is a wolf in sheep’s clothing

Rachel Bradshaw is, you guessed it, daughter of NFL legend Terry Bradshaw. Hmm, I wonder if daddy dearest will be scamming for some face-time this season. She started performing when she was 12 and is now 20. Her father is apparently thrilled with her success (and his newfound method of getting back on camera).

Go Steelers!

Last but not least we have Sarah Gunsolus. I LOVE that those Texans managed to revamp a Hispanic name into an American one by inserting ‘Gun’. And, just like that, the nickname Guns is born. It’s a beautiful thing. Guns has a job at Curb Records in Nashville, is 22-years-old, and is the second oldest of six children. Wait a second, six children?! In this day and age? OVERPOPULATION IS A PROBLEM, PEOPLE. If it were up to me we would hop on the People’s Republic of China bandwagon and enforce the One-Child Policy. Sorry, Guns, that’s just how I roll.

Are we sure she’s 22 and not, I don’t know, 40?

Well, that’s all, folks! I was kind of hoping to find out a little more before the show actually started but, I suppose this way we can be surprised come the 14th. What do you guys think? Will the gang in Nashville deliver? How much of Terri Bradshaw will we actually have to suffer through? I’m polishing up my cowboy boots and sharpening my spurs in anticipation. Tune in with me on the 14th to see what the southern music biz is all about!