Recap: Nashville: We’ve got ourselves a cougar!

Howdy Ho Rangers, welcome to Nashville, yeeee haw! I’ve been brushing up on my Cowboy in anticipation of the Nashville season premiere. We are one episode in and I have got to say, I am LOVING it. Not only does it feel infinitely less contrived than other reality shows out there, but we’ve got some very promising situations here. We have already been formally introduced to the resident psycho, several love triangles have been formed AND I’ve already had my fill of country music. Too busy out doing fun things on a Friday night? Don’t worry, I wasn’t. Find out how far in we had our first Terri Bradshaw sighting and the rest of the honky tonk lowdown, after the jump!

Watch out for this one.

The show kicks off with Chuck, resident heartthrob and only actual working singer. He has a meeting with his managers who say that Sony BMG wants him to do a showcase to determine whether or not they want to invest. Putting the pressure on pretty early, aren’t we FOX? At least his team actually seems to know what they’re doing, unlike Paula Abdul’s (yikes). In other news, his manager’s name is Monty and I love him.

What a crunchy little man!

We scoot on over to the Bradshaw residence and I must say, wow. I am liking your pool, Rachel. She and – Oh, hey Terri, what are you doing here? Giving a little fatherly advice, eh? I must say, you sir have aged. Regardless, Rachel and the T-man are sitting poolside talking about music and how it’s all she wants to do. She doesn’t want to be known as Terri’s daughter, she wants to make it on her own. He does give her some really sweet and sincere advice and gains a couple of points with the Pach.

Next we see a random group of girls singing a song on a porch. Living the dream, ladies! Turns out it is Mika putting on a show for her family before she hops a bus to Nashville. That is so funny, I used to sing for my family and they would tell me I could be famous too! When I was 5. The family sees her off and I get something in both of my eyes when they show her mother crying.

As the first commercial break starts up I realize, we are about ten minutes in and I have not heard a lick of “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.” Does FOX really think they can NOT play it for me?! Patience, Pach…

Back from break we see Terri’s daughter, Sarah, and Amish Lindsay poolside. The girls gab about (what else?) music and how it’s all they want to do. Sarah asks Rachel about Clint and we get the skinny on our first love triangle. Rachel has a boyfriend and is really good friends with Clint. Such good friends, in fact, that they often talk about how they’d like to be more than friends, if only that pesky boyfriend weren’t in the picture. Hey Rach, a little arsenic goes a long way, catch my drift? Thank me later.

Somewhere in Nashville, Mika arrives at her new apartment. The landlord greets her and proceeds to show her around the complex. They run into Matt and Jeff, who also live in the building, sitting on a stoop playing guitar. Landlord does the intro thing and the boys swoon hard core. It is actually pretty cute and doesn’t seem staged, which is refreshing. Matt manages to make conversation even though he’s obviously head over heels already. Jeff, well, Jeff isn’t quite as eloquent in the face of beauty. Meaning he just stands there smiling like this:

“… she purdy…”

After Mika leaves, the boys talk about how much they likey the new girl and Matt invites Jeff to his show at a local bar that night. He’s not too bad, and it looks like there’s a decent crowd, but afterwards he tells Jeff that he only made $25. Wow Matt, $25?! That is just sad. I’m pretty sure the homeless man I saw having sex in the park last week (true story, I’m scarred for life) made more than that from his grassy lay.

Over now to the Moseley estate, where Sir Clint and Lady Rachel ride bareback through a pasture. Seriously, they were riding horses through a field. If this is really their idea of some kind of date I am simultaneously swooning and vomiting. They have a long, drawn out conversation about how Rachel has a boyfriend, but maybe she shouldn’t anymore, because there may be someone better out there, but don’t just say you want to be single for a while because that’s not the point… Its just painful. There’s more beating around the bush than a drunk virgin on prom night (hiyo!) and its very clear that Clint 1) does not give two shits that Rachel has a boyfriend and 2) somewhere in Nashville, a young man is about to get a slap in the face. Ugh I hate girls like her.

Commercial breaks: 2, “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk”: 0

Back from the break we see a group of guys (whom we have not yet met) getting out of the car. My TV tells me they’re collectively called Sekret Service and are a group of music managers. They are “redneck golfing” and talking about Chuck’s showcase that night. Oh, and in case you were wondering, redneck golfing is skeet shooting. I’m not really sure why we were treated with this scene at all. Just to throw in a dumb stereotype? Perhaps… I learned a long time ago (read: every Sunday for Two Coreys) that it was pointless to try and wrap your head around the reasoning behind every decision the producers and editors make.

Chuck is practicing for his showcase when his girlfriend Heather comes in. This is actually the first I’ve heard of her, and after a few minutes it is pretty clear why. She basically asks how everything is going and then proceeds to just repeat everything Chuck says for about 5 minutes before staring at him silently for a full 30 seconds. If the cameraman hadn’t woken up from spilling his own coffee onto his crotch I’m pretty sure we would have seen about 10 more minutes of silent staring, followed by some nodding.

It is time for the showcase and I am psyched! As luck would have it, all of the main characters of the show have some mutual friends, or there are only a few places to go in Nashville at night where you won’t run into the Sekret Service, because they all end up at the show. Clint and Rachel are having flirty time in the corner when Clint makes a move. She stops him and for a minute I think I was wrong about her, but then he tries again and I realize I’m always right.

All the stars have showed up for Chucks showcase. That guy from Sony BMG! Some producer! Dorothy from the Golden Girls! OH MY GOD I LOVE HER! Wait. A. Second. Either my vision’s worse than Estelle’s or that is NOT Dorothy. And why does the caption say “Chucks Parents”? Is Chuck’s mother Dorothy from Golden Girls?!

Ma, why is the telephone book warm?

Commercials: 3, Honky Tonk Badonkadonk: 0

A brief aside: I have a totally sane girl-crush on this little girl from the AT&T texting commercials. Seriously, I’d keep that little critter in my pocket if I could.

Back from break, Chuck heads to Monty’s house to see what the men at Sony thought. Monty doesn’t say anything but takes out a bottle of Korbel and says “we’ll be corking this soon.” WOW, Monty, Korbel?! What did you do, rob Matt of half the $25 and swing by the 7/11 on your way home to spring for your client? How sweet! That is one manager I’d like to have on my payroll. Thoughtful AND frugal: A winning combination.

Elsewhere; Matt, Jeff and Mika are out to lunch. I have to be honest; so far I really like Mika. She seems nice and innocent. Matt is laying on the conversation so thick poor Kewpie can’t get a word in. He doesn’t look too disappointed though, so I guess my prediction of Jeff being out token asexual nice guy was dead on.

At the Bradshaw estate, Rachel is making a power move and breaking up with her boyfriend. Over the phone. I am not positive how long they’ve been dating for, but isn’t this the ultimate faux-pas? Shea (the boyfriend) apparently agrees with me because he starts dropping f-bombs all over the place before figuring out that she’s been seeing Clint. Oh-ho-ho, you’ve been caught red-handed, hussy! This is it guys! I am anxiously awaiting the realization that she’s a bad person, but instead Rachel immediately calls Amish Lauren and Sarah and tells them to come over. The gals pop open a bottle of champagne to celebrate Rachel’s newfound bachelorette style and I have my first blackout rage of the season. What a bitch!

Breaking up is fun!

Later on, she calls Clint and leaves him a message in a little girls voice basically telling him she’s easy and now that she is single he is all systems go for a touchdown. Ooh Rachel, you and I are going to have some words, lady friend.

Clint has a barbeque that night at his estate, and everyone shows. They show a few clips of people doing the getting-to-know-you thing and there is a full minute of people saying “what do you do” and the other person answering “oh, I’m a singer/songwriter.” Alright, I get it, EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN NASHVILLE IS A SINGER/SONGWRITER, can we move on please?

Let me guess…

I am still unclear on whom, but someone knows a bunch of models and invites them to the barbeque. Clint, being a good host (and total player) proceeds to hit on every single one of them. Right in front of Rachel. It is hilarious. Rachel gets hard core nexted for just about every other girl there. Aww, the truth hurts, doesn’t it? Boys like that only want what they can’t have.

Rachel goes all kinds of loco and ultimately storms off, prompting Clint to ask Sarah what he did. Oh boys, boys, boys. Without you my life would be so full of self-esteem and void of anger-management issues.

Sarah has chased after Rachel to talk her off the ledge and we see she’s rapidly approaching crazy status. She says that she broke up with her boyfriend for him and would NEVER even TALK to any other guys in front of him. Which begs the question: did the editors fail to show us the clip where Clint proposes to Rachel immediately after she breaks up with Shea? Because, and don’t get me wrong- Clint’s a total skeev, but unless that happened, Rachel’s freakout is mildly unwarranted.

The boys (Clint and Chuck) are playing pool at a bar the next day and Clint is filling Chuck in on the latest. Apparently after storming out of the party, Rachel sent Clint a plethora of text messages with lovely notes like “Stay out of my life” and “I hope your skin falls of.” My goodness! Rachel, lets think about this. Aside from the fact that Clint is not that attractive to begin with, that is a tall order considering all he did was talk to some other girls in front of you. I would maybe wish that upon someone who tried to steal my skin, or… okay, I’m lying, I don’t think I would ever wish someone’s skin would fall off. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come up with plenty of bad things to happen to people, I considered (aloud, unfortunately) stabbing someone in the neck with a pen once for wearing something I didn’t like, but skin falling off? That’s just weird.

After leaving the pool hall, Clint calls a mystery woman to meet him at the bridge. Oooh, how romantic, a late night bridge tryst! And you’ll never guess who it is!

So, you don’t want his skin to fall off?

They say a lot of nothing, confirmed by the fact that my notes for this part read “most ineloquent speech EVER” and nothing else. The two kiss and make up and he gives her a piggy back ride home. Surprised? No. Annoyed? Yes. I think we may have found the Heidi and Spencer of Nashville.

Matt and Mika are going out to lunch and, I’ve gotta say, this boy is putting in A LOT of face time. That bitch better put out. They talk about their dreams and aspirations and he tells her how things are going to go in Nashville. Bottom line, the girls are tough as nails. She shrugs it off and says she’ll stick with the guys then. The look on Matt’s face is priceless. Oh Matt, you are in T.R.O.U.B.L.E.

That night, Monty is having a party to celebrate Chucks… being signed? I’m not positive what exactly Sony is offering, but apparently its cause to celebrate. Hey, who am I to question a party? Everyone ends up at Monty’s, but this time, Matt brings Mika. Within SECONDS, Clint has his sights set and is going in for the kill. He whisks her away from Matt and introduces her to everyone. The girls all look at her like she just crashed her UFO into the roof, walked into the party and proceeded to pee on all the guests. The only person that gives her any kind of welcome is Amish Lindsay. Ah, leave it to the Amish to be kind to strangers. Rachel, on the other hand, is giving her the crazy eyes left and right.

Mika!!! Watch out for your skin!!!

Clint takes Mika downstairs to be alone. I am silently praying that Mika knows better than to fall for creepazoids like Clint when he whispers to her “you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” GAG. Mika (thankfully) looks a little put-off by this.

The party goes on and Clint sticks to Mika like gum to hair. Rachel continues to freak out and ultimately drags Sarah from the party to a bar to rant about Mika. There are a few things wrong with this. For starters, Sarah needs to give Rachel a swift kick in the face or else she will find herself being dragged from bingo night when they’re 85 and Henry shares his Jello with Rose. Plus, why is she angry at Mika? If anyone, shouldn’t she be angry with Clint? Oh man Terri, you’ve created a monster. Go Steelers!

Well, that concludes our season premiere. What did you guys think? It was a pretty erratic episode, but what it lacked in continuity it made up for with catty girls and country music. I think the real question on everyone’s mind is; how long will they make me wait for my “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk”?