Recap: Nashville: Wait, is there a hit on Mika?

Alright, we’re back with episodes 2 and 3 of FOX’s newest Friday night indulgence, Nashville! What does the only Ten-I-See have for you this time around? I thought you’d never ask. To name a few: cheesy dates, Coyote Ugly, death threats, and OMG Jamey Johnson! This just in: I am honky tonk hooked.

Yay JJ!

We start off with Clint and Mika at the batting cages, talking about liking each other while Rachel and Sarah are at lunch talking about disliking Mika. We see bits of each conversation at a time in typical overly-produced-reality fashion. Mika tells Clint she thinks he’s misunderstood just as Sarah tells Rachel that Mika probably doesn’t know the whole story behind Clint and Rachel’s relationship. Why Sarah, color me impressed! That is very perceptive of you considering she JUST MOVED INTO TOWN. Maybe you should rethink treating her like she has an airborne strain of Ectrodactyly.

Across town, the Sekret Service is hanging out and talking about the socio-economic state of Tibet… I mean music. My B! Coincidentally, they decide that they need some fresh meat, and maybe a male/femal duo. Wait a second, isn’t Mika fresh meat? But is she interested in singing, in Nashville? Doubtful.

Turns out our Kentucky-bumpkin has went and got herself a job at a bar in town called Losers. I am going to go ahead and say that you must have a hell of a lot of self confidence to be an indentured servant at Losers Bar & Grill. Mika’s coworker Erika is nice to the newest Loser and tells her she’ll get the hang of it pretty quick (PS – a quick Google search confirms that Losers is a real place and they have no menu, only BBQ ribs and pork sandwiches. Can it BE that difficult to serve beer and BBQ ribs? Let’s find out…). Cue the Coyote Ugly montage of Mika not being able to open a can of beer, Mika juggling 3 whole bottles at a time, Mika finding out the beer costs $2.25, not $2.00, and saying to the customer “I need a quarter.” They don’t seem too amused.

Ugh, what a loser.

Just as Erika and Mika are discussing Mika’s desire to sing, the Sekret Service walk into the bar. Fancy that, they manage Erika, who in turn introduces Mika. They are chatting her up because she’s cute and make her sing on demand. She does a shaky 10 seconds of her own song and they are impressed. They want her to take a slot (because they want to fill her slot. Hiyo! Sorry, that was inappropriate) at their next show because they’ve got a few more openings. Well, one week and you’ve got a gig? That was easy. If only everything were that easy, I could finally fulfill my lifelong dream of being a professional sleeper. Pachita Fun Fact: Sleeping is my second favorite thing to do.

Does Erika even have one of these coveted slots? Girly you are just making friends all over the place! Actually, it seems there are no hard feelings because Erika wants Mika to come to a BBQ at the SS house that weekend.

When Mika arrives home that night, there’s a gift bag hanging on her doorknob. Oh, Mika, don’t open it. 97% of anonymous gift bags left on doorknobs are full of body parts and/or dead animals (PS – readers, I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you about this, its getting a little weird…). Turns out this one falls into the 3% and is a dress from Clint with a note inviting her to dinner tonight. GAG. Oh, and he’s sending a car for her. DOUBLE GAG.

Another day, another carcass.

Anywho, she goes over to his house for dinner looking nice and demure and wait… did we already talk about how strange it is that he left a dress on her doorknob? How does he know her size? Oh, and isn’t he a little old to be living at home, considering he is very well off on his own? Regardless, he invites her to a pool party he is having that weekend but, alas, it is the same night as the SS bonfire. Sucks to suck, Clint!

When I heard there was going to be a bonfire, I assumed it would have the standard stuff. You know, barbeque, beer, s’mores, Pach dancing inappropriately on tables… the way bonfires should be. As Mika arrives at the bonfire, not only is there NO table dancing, but they’re riding go carts and having target practice with bad demo CD’s (way to scare the newcomer, boys). It’s now that I find myself wondering if they’re trying to perpetuate stereotypes about Southern living.

This isn’t where I parked my car…

The rest of the crew is over at Clint’s catered pool party. Obviously, aren’t your pool parties catered? Clint is talking to Chuck about Mika and his concern over her hanging out with the SS crowd. He thinks they just want to get in her pants and says some bologna about having more life experience than her. You mean like, with jets? That is such discrimination, Clint. I mean, yes, people without private jets are total losers, but that doesn’t mean you can talk down to them.

As the night goes on, everyone gathers around the bonfire and begins to sing. I’m starting to think life in Nashville is like a perma-kindergarten or pseudo-musical. At the end of every activity, everyone breaks into song. All anyone wants to do is sing! I’m still waiting to see a nap-time or “The Cleanup Song,” but I’m standing by my theory. The SS inevitably has Mika sing an original song for them. My man JJ (damn, check out all these double-consonants. Its pretty kick ass, no?) is digging it and that’s all that matters. Talking to the SS privately afterwards, he offers to shorten his set if they want to set her up with a pair of songs. Umm, JJ? I love you.

The next day Mika pulls up to what the TV tells me is Lex’s house. Ooh, bad move Mika, I’m pretty sure Lex Luthor would prefer using you to try and dominate the universe somehow over helping further your music career. In actuality, this guy’s got hair, but I’m still skeptical. Lex plays some songs for Mika so she can decide which she’ll perform at the show and she opts for a soulful rock somethingorother.

Your career can wait, Mika. Right now we need Kryptonite!

Elsewhere, the girls (Sarah, Rachel and Amish Lindsay) are out to lunch. Rachel tells them that she has been avoiding Clint, who apparently has been texting her and calling her lately. Sarah tells her she is being ridiculous and to get over him. I can’t help but give her a standing ovation. Besides, wasn’t it just last week Rachel wanted to see him reduced to a skinless freak?

Lookey here, Rachel and Clint meet up. She asks about Mika and he says they are dating, but he tells Rachel thing she wouldn’t tell anyone else and wants to spend more time with her. Rachel, I know you are a closet psychopath, but can’t you see that Clint is a jerk? Good god, woman, you are setting your sex back quite a bit here! That’s it, I’m calling Terri.

Mika practices with some of the SS guys and they don’t think she’s ready. In an unrelated note, the SS loves ATV’s

The girls go see their manager, Brian, to see what they can be doing to further their careers. This is news to me, but they are trying to go as a trio now. The do some (terrible) harmozining to “When You Say Nothing at All” and manager man tells them they could be the next Dixie Chicks. I totally agree! Just, you know, without the talent.

With their newfound confidence, the girls go to the nearest bar that plays live music (which I’m assuming anyone could do blindfolded, considering every establishment in the city is to further a music career in some way. Word on the street is there’s even live music at your local OB-GYN – making lady part inspection more comfortable since 1967!). They find themselves at Tootsies and get themselves signed up to sing that weekend. Kids, don’t take notes, it cannot possibly be this easy.

We see a random montage of Mika practicing and not doing too well. I would question my judgment but 1) in elementary schooll, I was in all-district chorus for 3 years running (whatevs) and 2) the SS doesn’t look too happy about it either.

And its performance time! We see a clip of JJ singing a fancy song about Momma’s and I sway a lighter over my head. Rachel tries to give Clint shit about not hanging out with her and he tells her it’s not the place. Is it wrong that I dislike 2 people so intensely after such a short period of time? No.

Ohh-ho-ho, FACE!

Matt also performs tonight and we see Monty loving him from the audience. Yay Monty! Various people are giving Mika advice from backstage, Chuck included. I find myself really hoping Mika doesn’t suck horribly. I would really hate to feel embarrassed for her, especially since the girls all hate her. Speaking of, we see Rachel in the audience and it is very clear she is trying to voodoo the crap out of Mika.

The lady of the night is introduced and comes onto stage in an outfit that would make Bai Ling say, “Huh?” Racking my brain for an explanation comes up with nothing except the belt is left over from an old Wonder Woman costume. My final decision is she was so nervous she rendered herself colorblind and all the mirrors in the room inexplicably shattered. Outfit aside, once she starts in with the song she kind of kicks its ass.

Ooh, the Fug Girls would have a field day with this one.

Everyone is grooving except Rachel, and one of the SS tells Clint she sounds “shockingly good!” Way to be supportive, MANAGER. Give me Monty!

The next few minutes are a blur of shots at Rachel and it is hilarious. Monty and a bunch of other music-managers are waiting backstage to tell Mika how awesome she was. JJ is there and tells her she did great (Love ya JJ!). Even Sarah and Amish see her and tell her she rocked. Finally, Clint comes over and hugs her before giving her a piggy-back ride away.

Mika: 8,516,243
Rachel: 0

The second episode of the night starts out with a BBQ at Mika, Matt and Jeff’s apartment complex. Mika and Clint (who, incidentally, would have a horrible hybrid name: Clika. Yeesh) are all kinds of over each other. Rachel shows up and proceeds to make faces all over the place. People like her really make me angry. You go to a party just to be in a foul mood and bring everyone else down? Just stay home. Or better yet, get over the fact that Clint is an ass and has been leading you on the whole time.

Sarah tells everyone that they should come to the gals’ gig at Tootsies that weekend. Ooh, I wonder if they’ll be able to top Mika! Rachel is talking to Sarah (about Mika, natch. Seriously, she is the Spencer Pratt of Nashville) and says “you sing one song and think you’re a badass.” Cut to Mika sitting quietly, looking demure, and being nice to everyone. Come on, Mika! You’re ruining it for everyone, you badass!

She’s got a knife!

Erika the Loser came to the BBQ and asks Mika whether Clint or Rachel ever dated because they seem weird around each other. Oh, I see we’re becoming one of those shows already. You couldn’t last more than one episode without have major producer intervention? Was Mika’s wholesomeness getting in the way of FOX’s need for drama? Ugh, fine, I’ll play along. But only for the ‘Gasm. Rachel whispers to Sarah that she is not going to sit there and let Mika take away someone she cares about. Seriously, I’m concerned for Mika’s well-being.

The pretend Dixie Chicks are at Amish’s house trying to prepare for their gig. They have 24 hours to go and Rachel is being really obnoxious. She keeps screwing everyone up and refuses to sing certain notes because “they’re too high for me. But maybe tomorrow at the show.” Yes, that’s a good way to get famous. Don’t practice the high notes and expect to just wing it live. In front of every one of your phone contacts (because they literally called everyone they knew to invite them). Amish seems to be taking this seriously and does not look too happy.

Showtime! Everyone heads to Tootsies to see what the girls are made of. Cough, Mika had a better turn out, cough. They start up their song and I cringe. It’s… not good. And by not good I mean its really bad. Clint tells Mika “you were way better,” and for once I agree with him. Even Matt doesn’t look impressed, and he seems to be pretty content with just about everything.

Contrary to popular belief, the hat won’t help you hit the high notes.

The applause afterwards is WEAK. Turns out the Sony BMG people are there and look underwhelmed to say the least. They discuss it afterwards and one man says he didn’t like it and they’ve got A LOT of work to do. Another man agrees and thinks it was pitchy (Randy, is that you?!) and they are obviously not ready for a deal. Booyakasha, its called karma, bitches! Not you Amish, don’t worry, you and I are cool.

The next day the girls are sitting around and Brian calls Amish with some feedback from Jim (the manager from Tootsies). They plan to meet in an hour and Amish tells the girls. Rachel, always counting her chickens before they hatch, exclaims “Wow, that means its like, gonna happen!” It is so delusional and wrong that I can’t help but giggle and cheer. The disappointment of hearing you suck is going to be so deliciously entertaining, my friend.

When they meet up, Brian tells them it was a complete disaster. HA! This man is as blunt as he is concise. Sarah attempts to clarify with, “I don’t think we came across as bad singers though, did we?” Brian: “Yes.” Stop, you’re killing me! It’s just too good! Rachel looks like a deer in headlights while Brian informs them that Amish looked the most comfortable on stage. Maybe she should be their front person until their more developed. Amish, on a highway to my heart, answers very diplomatically “I don’t know that they would be comfortable with me being their front person.”

Afterwards, Rachel is crying while Amish consoles here with a little “at least we did it.” Yes, you did it, and you sucked. Sarah asks if they still want to try as a trio, to which Rachel offers some more solid-gold-crazy with “this is our career. We can either take it while it’s hot or forget about it.” Rachel, darling, which part of that last conversation gave you the impression that it’s ‘hot’, hmm? Because Brian just made it perfectly clear that it was not hot. At all. In fact, it was practically at Absolute Zero (oh yeah, I pulled out the Kelvin scale, eat it).

They discuss it for a while and Amish won’t give the girls an answer about what she wants to do. She is obviously the only one with a head on her shoulders (plus, the only one that can sing) and wants to keep her options open because she is a singer AND a songwriter. I would say Rachel gets pissy over her lack of loyalty, but she seems to be suspended in a constant state of pissiness, so it wouldn’t be accurate. Let’s just say Rachel continues her reign of piss- there, that works – because Amish may want out and they go their separate ways. As Sarah and Rachel are leaving, Rachel rolls her eyes and calls Lindsay a slut. Such hostility! Lindsay tells Adam that a week of being a trio isn’t enough for her to drop everything she’s worked for. Ugh, what a whore.

Where’s a butter churn when you need one?

The next day Matt and Mika are in the car and Matt asks about Clint. She tells him Clint’s a really nice guy, but if Matt hears anything he has to tell her. She says he doesn’t pressure her (yet) and he was alright with the fact that she’s a virgin. Not sure I needed to know that, although it definitely ups the wholesome level. It actually makes me feel bad about the impending typhoon that is Rachel scorned (only she kind of wasn’t. I mean, Clint shouldn’t be leading her on the way he is. But really, she’s just an idiot).

Rachel is talking to daddy Terri and tells him a boy screwed her over. He says “Just tell me who it is and I’ll get Howie’s boys on them.” Aww! Who are Howie’s boys? My guess is they’re music managers and wanted to be called Sekret Service but found it was already taken. She also tells him about the music industry hating every fiber of her being and he gives her some good advice. That Terri, he is like a large mass of wisdom. I may have to talk him into adopting me, I see some major sibling rivalry a la The Good Son (hint: Rachel would totally be Macauly).

The girls all meet up and Lindsay says she thought about it and is up for it if they others still want to try as a trio. Rachel says she’s against it now because she will never be a background singer. So, I guess you’ll never be any kind of singer than. You know, because you suck at it.

Mika and Erika are being Losers the next day and Erika gives Mika some very interesting information. Apparently Rachel called her and told her she wanted to talk about Clint and Mika because Clint was all over her and saying he loves her at Mika’s show. Words cannot express the hatred I feel for little Miss Bradshaw right now. My god, she’s worse than Maleficent’s imps. Not that I’ve watched Sleeping Beauty lately… fine, fact: I love Disney. Sue me.

Mika wonders aloud why Rachel didn’t just come to her which is exactly what I had been wondering. When they had this conversation, Erika asked how she was supposed to know Rachel wasn’t just jealous (thank god someone sees through this girl), and Rachel said she just didn’t want to see anyone get hurt. Lets put aside the fact that Rachel sucks for a minute, because I think we’ve just witnessed the birth of our first Nashville sidekick!! Woot woot!

I’d die for you, you know.

Rachel and Clint meet up for some good old fashioned horseback riding in fields. They are standing in a warm embrace when Clint asks why it feels so right when they do this stuff. “Maybe we have this really awesome friendship,” he hypothesizes. Yes, Clint. I’m sure the reason it feels so right is because of your awesome friendship. Rachel steps up her game and tells him if he liked her the way he says, he wouldn’t have a girl. Good point, Satan. I hate it when you’re right.

Then comes one of the more disturbing conversations I’ve heard in a while.

Rachel: “If you ever want anything with me, get rid of Mika.”
Clint: “I know, it’s in the process”

Unless your plan is to snuggle her to death, I’m calling your bluff.

So, did they just plan to put a hit out on Mika? In the process? Was it in the process when you were telling her how much you liked her last night? Or when you were bragging about how much better her performance was than Rachel’s? Or how about the barbeque, where she sat on your lap and the two of you kissed all night? In the process. Well, that’s just great, now I’m in the process of an aneurysm. Thanks Clint.

And that’s the game for this week guys. What did you all think? Do Clint and Rachel deserve each other or will they implode into each other from sheer idiocy?