New York Goes To Work: Mama Said Knock You Out

Well Gasmi, it’s finally here! Tonight is the season (and hopefully SERIES) finale of New York Goes To Work! WOO HOO!! I can’t say I’m sorry to see this one end, I gotta tell ya, and the fact that they’ve decided the finale should be AN HOUR LONG and not feature a job to vote on is B-O-G-U-S. 

They couldn’t come up with anything better than this?!? 

In order to prepare myself for this week’s “job” I decided it would be a good idea to punch myself in the face over and over and over and over. Truth be told, I was hoping to give myself a concussion so that I could tell Flipit he needed to get someone else to write this. Sadly, a concussion doesn’t appear to be valid excuse for not writing your recap. DAMN.

We join New York as she speeds down the highway in her shiny SUV one last time before they show up to repossess it. New York tells us she doesn’t even have room on her resume anymore what with all the jobs she’s had. 

She could care less that she didn’t get paid as a ghost hunter, or a clown, or a fast food worker. She doesn’t give a shit about those jobs because she knows one thing she’s good at is ass kicking. Good thing she’s going to be a boxer then, huh? New York says she doesn’t want anyone but Pumkin in that ring.

“Live like a princess, rule like a queen. HBIC ain’t playing in the ring.” Was that supposed to rhyme or something? Why do I have a feeling that the entire hour is going to be chock full of such witty, “spontaneous” banter?

Ah ah ah choo! 

They pull up to the House of Champions. I guess that’s better than if they had pulled up to the House of Losers. New York is ready to kick some ass!

♫♪ Psycho!! ♫♪ 

Once inside she meet the woman who will be her trainer preparing her over the next two days for the upcoming match. Good luck with that Mia!

Mia wants to know if New York is nervous. “Hell no!” She is ready. New York thinks that Mia looks like she could whoop some ass; here’s hoping we get a chance to see Mia whoop New York’s ass! Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease. 

Blah blah blah…..the winner of the fight gets ten grand, but if she loses……..New York butts in to say she is not losing. Mia likes her confidence. Now that Mia’s established that New York is ready and has the right attitude, it’s time to attend the totally fake legitimate press conference. 

Why is this dude holding the camera up to his forehead?!?! Is he taking the picture with his third eye or something?!!? 

The “announcer” Todd Wetherill, tells us that this is one of the most anticipated VH-1 sporting events ever. Really Todd? This guy needs to shut the fuck up. Seriously, could this whole thing be any more ridiculous? So I’m skipping over all this hoopla. Todd introduces New York and then Mia.

And then it’s time to introduce the possible contenders: Mr. Boston, Bryan the pig farmer, and Pumkin. AND PUMKIN. PUMKIN???? New York yells, “Bitch, bring your ass out here!” Looks like Pumkin is a no show. What a crock of shit. So people voted on this, paying money for those votes and Pumkin didn’t even show up???? 

You KNOW she was the one that got the most votes. She’d better be showing up later. New York says if she was that biatch she wouldn’t have shown up either.

♫♪ Wacko!! ♫♪ 

Todd tells us that under the HBIC World Championship rules. if Pumkin shows up tomorrow and America votes her in, she’s still eligible to fight. New York hopes she shows because she wants to smash “her pumpkin head in.” 

Now it’s time for the contenders to get to talk. Mr. Boston is up first. He thinks the time has come for America to see New York get knocked on her ass. And he’s just the douchebag guy to do it. New York thinks he’s dreaming. Now he’ll be taking questions from the “journalists”.

One of them, Bob Woodward I think, wants to know if Mr. Boston is concerned about being known as a guy who beats up women. Well, he’s thought of that, and apparently there’s some question as to whether or not New York really is a woman, so I guess that totally makes it alright to hit her? I don’t know, y’all. His logic is too strong for me.

If she used to be a man, or is a man, then it’s totally alright for me to kick her ass. Oh shit! I kissed her!! Him. Her. Wait! What was I talking about? Does anyone have some baked beans? 

Up next to talk is Bryan. Bryan is going to be quick, and she won’t even see what hit her. 

I bet you say that to all the girls! 

Questions for Bryan? Carl Bernstein has one. Bryan said he wrestles pigs on his dad’s pig farm, was he comparing New York to a pig?

If the snout fits…… 

Bryan WOULD have to compare New York to a pig. From where he’s standing it smells an awful lot like pig crap. New York says that’s the pig shit under his fingernails. “Smell ‘em!” Noooooo thank you! Interestingly no one seems to care whether it makes Bryan an asshole for possibly hitting a woman.

These are the best journalists evah!! And if you text “train me” to VH-1 now, you too can be a serious journalist. Each text message cost $5,999. 

Todd gives a quick shout out to the owner of House of Idiots Champions, before moving on to the main attraction, New York. She’s ready for their questions. Ernie Pyle asks New York, “What do you think it’ll take to knock out a big guy like Mr. Boston over there?” 

New York doesn’t think it will take much. “HELLO. GOODBYE.” Ernie Harwell says New York was hit by the spit heard round the world, doesn’t she just wanna get Pumkin in the ring? Yep. That’s who she wants. She doesn’t wanna fight Bryan, she doesn’t wanna fight Boston. She wants some Pumkin.

I want some Pumkin pie. 

Training time. The guys go first, with the owner of House of Morons Champions, Mark Parra.

Mark’s an ass. He tells the guy’s they should call him sensei. And then lists all the people he’s trained. Yeah, you’re so awesome at training people you’ve landed here with these idiots. Yay Mark! Mr Boston doesn’t know what sensei means, and he doesn’t care what sensei means, he’s just looking forward to beating up New York. They head off to do some warm ups in the mirror.

New York meets Mia for her training. Mia wants to New York to work up a sweat, and New York tells her she’s good at sweating, “especially in the bedroom.” Thanks for sharing. Mia says the qualities New York is going to need are stamina, speed and technique.

Back to the boys, warming up with jump ropes.

No words. 

New York is also jumping rope. Mia’s impressed and New York tells her she used to play double dutch in high school. Then they work on their Tae Bo a little.

New York says she just ate lunch. And it’s coming back out. EWWWWWWWW. Which way? EWWWWWWWW again. I need to learn to not ask these questions. Mia calls her a sissy, and then Boston yells over to her from the other side of the gym about getting tired already. She’s not tired, she just ate lunch. 

From what Bryan’s seeing, he’s not worried about tomorrow. Boston’s happy that they’re learning a lot of punches so that he can beat New York’s ass. Mia is teaching New York about personal space, and not letting anyone in to her personal space.

 

It’s a little late for that lesson 

More training, BOOOORRRRING. I’m so done with this fucking training crap. New York thinks it’s hard, she didn’t think she’d be able to do this. I don’t think I’ll be able to get through this. Yeah, I know, no one’s crying for me either.

As we head into the commercial break, New York tells us she doesn’t wanna work a steady job. VH-1 wants you to vote on what she should do next.

They forgot “D – Dig a hole and bury herself in it.” Any guesses which one I’m voting for? 

We come back to more training. Well, actually they’re taking a break before doing a little sparring. New York says she’s going to win. Boston says we’ll see about that since there’s money on the line. He wants her to think about what a nice sweet guy he is so he won’t expect it when he kicks her ass.

Sparring time. They’ll all be sparring with this lady.

Scaaaaaaa-ry! 

This lady was a pro wrestler for fifteen years and was known for picking up three hundred pound guys, “dumpin’ ‘em and knockin’ ‘em.”

Really REALLY Scary. 

I hope they all get their asses kicked by this broad. New York thinks she’s a beast and does NOT want to get in the ring with her. Mr. Boston’s up first. New York can’t wait to see him get his ass handed to him.

Beantown? Wienie Town.  

Bryan’s next. He’s never sparred before but he can’t imagine it will be that difficult. New York feels bad for him and wants to destroy his ass at the same time. 

I don’t even think she connected to him on that one. Maybe she blew him over with her breath. Not that she has bad breath or anything! Don’t come looking for me scary boxing lady!! Bryan actually lands some punches. I’m sure they were completely legit.

New York’s turn. Mia tells her to just pop scary boxing lady right in the face and then move, move, move. Yeah, as in get the hell outta there before she pops you back! Mia thinks she started out great, her punches were hard and she had great movement. And then….

Once she got hit, she got all riled up which is the worst thing to do, I guess. It basically falls apart once she gets hit in the face. And before you know it, she’s tired. She rallies back and makes it through the round, but she does not like doing that. She doesn’t know if she can do this.

I’m going to skip over the part where she fake quits and Mia talks her into doing it. So lame, so predictable, I’m so over this formula in everything that she’s done this season. Let’s just skip to the part where she decides to go on to the fight. And we can pretend it was super inspirational.

Oh, but I spoke too soon. New York has decided she needs some divine inspiration, so off to church she goes. 

Good food, good meat, good god, let’s eat! 

What? It’s the only prayer she knows!

Kidding! Let’s listen in on New York’s heartfelt prayer……. “Heavenly Father, I thank you for putting me in this opportunity (where I can make money jumping around and screaming like an idiot week after week after week). I thank you for making me strong (and my breath stronger). But father, I ask that you give me the strength that I need to win this fight tonight. Lord, I don’t know who I’m gonna fight tonight, but whoever it is, I know I’m gonna beat their face in.”

Should she be talking about beating people’s facing in while she’s in church? 

So spiritually uplifting. I bet a lot of people will return to the church after seeing this.

Fight time. Looks like they’ve hired some idiot announcers for the fight, and the school gym boxing arena is packed to the gills with paid extras rabid fans. Todd is back as the “let’s get ready to rumble” guy. Except he yells, “Let’s. Get. To. Wooooooorrrrk!” 

Out comes New York. But who will she be fighting? It’s………………Pumkin! WOO HOO! But wait! Pumkin has chickened out and is a no show. YAY! That means the match is cancelled, right? WRONG! New York’s gonna fight Mr. Boston instead. Blech.

New York’s okay with this; she’s going to pretend he’s Pumkin and bash his freaking face in. 

Hey! It’s Dickish Diva from the Nudie Resort! 

Mr Boston comes out swinging and hits New York. She starts flailing at him and he hits her again. And again. 

Whatta man. 

New York is down. But we still have twenty fucking minutes (fifteen after commercials) to go on this thing, so I know she’s not going to stay down. She doesn’t. She gets up and seems a little discombobulated. She comes out punching and kicking, and that’s the end of round one.

Mia tells her not to get mad. Boston is ready to put her away. Round two. Boston knocks New York down again. How many freaking rounds is this stupid fight? Round three. It all comes down to this round if New York wants to keep her HBIC title. Didn’t she self-appoint herself anyway?

New York lands some good ones in that round. Alright, last round. New York is a crazy lady, throwing punches left and right. But she’s so frenetic that she’s leaves herself open for a big punch to the head from Boston. She seems ready to give up, and then she doesn’t. This is just too riveting.

The match is over. Who will be declared the winner? I could give a shit. Actually, I hope she loses. UGH. It’s a draw. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! That was so incredibly LAME. So they each get five grand, and I’m off to get a fucking drink. 

Salute! 

So Gasmi, that’s it for this season. What did you think? Do you hope that New York gets another show, or crawls under a rock? We all know what I’m hoping for! Thanks for coming along on this hell ride with me. When all is said I done, I had a great time, but that’s only because you all were along for the ride with me. I’ll be over on So You Think You Dance, so please come visit from time to time.

Big Kisses, Big Hugs, Much Love,

SWAK, PottyMouth