New York Goes To Work: Is That A Snake In Your Grass, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

New York Goes To Work. Wow. So in a nutshell, each week New York will be performing one of three possible jobs. The one she has to do will be decided by viewers voting. (They’re charging for the voting!! A dollar per vote.) If she does the job correctly, she gets ten grand. If she doesn’t, she gets nuthin’. Sounds simple, no?

 

So let me get this straight. She’s getting paid ten thousand dollars to do one day of work. You know, it seems like ten grand would be close to about a quarter of the annual salary of some of these jobs (more for others). Uuhhh, where can I get a gig like this?

The job choices for this week are:

And the winner is……….exterminator!! Hahahahahahahahaha 

New York is racing down the highway in her shiny SUV, excited and nervous about what job America has picked for her. And then, they arrive.

What’s that say? 

 

Oh my. The opening credits for this show are just too precious. I have to share……

 

And they end with a voiceover of her saying, “I ain’t doing that shit!” I love it!!

So, after the opening, New York gets out of the SUV, and introduces herself to Randy, owner of Abolish Pest Control Company. He breaks the news to her that America wants her to be an exterminator. Because she couldn’t figure that out by herself, apparently. She asks him, “What do you mean, an exterminator?” Isn’t that self-explanatory? Are there many different ways to interpret the word exterminator that I am unaware of?

As he lists for her the various critters she could be dealing with, we get a graphic of her “Employee Performance Review”. This lists the duties that she will have to perform in order to get paid. It has three things listed. THREE! 

Is this considered a day’s work for these guys? I call Bullshit. 

New York is relieved to hear that she won’t be exterminating alone. I’m with her on that one! Randy tells her they’ve set aside a few guys to teach her their specialties.

Is this really a job title? Spray Specialist? How exactly does one become a specialist in the art of spraying? 

Why does the second dude have a pen stuck in his cleavage? 

New York tells us that people who want to work with bugs all day are definitely freaky. What’s really freaky is that they don’t just work with bugs. I actually have goosebumps thinking about all the creepy critters they get to work with. UGH. Not. Enough. Money. In. The. World.

Randy goes on to tell her that only about fifty percent of the people make it through the first day. Why am I not surprised? He tells her to keep her paycheck in mind. Oh, don’t you worry about that Randy, she will. She says with ten grand on the line she’s going to do what she has to in order to get it. Oooookay. I guess we’ll see if that holds true.

One of the guys tries to give her a gift. It looks like one of those gag gift cans (in this case jelly beans) that when you open it, a spring loaded cloth snake pops out. New York tells him, “I don’t know you like that.” She doesn’t want to open the can. Randy wants to know how she’s going to get rid of a snake if she won’t even open a can of jelly beans. She asks him if thinks there’s a snake in the can. He doesn’t But according to him there are some nearby, along with some mice. And then he points out a cage of mice sitting on the ground, and Holy Shit y’all, she freaks right the fuck out when she sees them. Holy Crap, I am laughing my ass off watching this, and shuddering at the thought of being there at the same time.

I would probably have the same reaction 

New York tells us she has always had a strong, passionate hate for rodents.

Then how does she explain this? 

She just starts to calm down, and catches sight of a snake on the ground. Oh HELL no! She is outta there again. One of the guys picks it up and it is obviously fake, but she is screaming and carrying on so much, she doesn’t even notice. I’m not judging her for that; I think I’d do the exact same thing. In fact, I have to give her props for just how fast she is outta there. I have to say, I found this part funny and disturbing at the same time. It’s a weird feeling.

Personally, I think someone should cast her in a horror movie. She’s already got the scream down. Anyway, the guys are laughing their asses off at her, and I have to wonder if they do this to all the newbies. Or is this some diabolical prank prepared just for her? I’m thinking they probably do this a lot. Could explain why only 50% make it past the first day. Hey Randy, how many of them DIE OF HEART ATTACKS?!? 

Now that they’ve had their fun, Randy tells New York it’s time to suit up for the job. She wonders what exterminators wear, “Aside from a beer gut and sunglasses.” Hee hee. 

Let’s head out to see what’s first on the agenda for the day. Up first is Barry, the spraying specialist. He tells New York spraying is just like watering your lawn.

Eeewww! Not like THAT. 

She’s got the sprayer and off she goes! She’s sure to be done in no time, right? Spraying is soooooo easy. Right on cue, Barry stops her, saying he sees a lot of bees populating and she starts freaking out again. It truly is a sight to behold. Obviously no one’s ever told her that you shouldn’t swat at bees – it makes them sting you, dummy!

She runs away saying she doesn’t want to do the bee thing. She tells us, “I had to get the hell out of there ’cause I don’t want those bee bastards to get me.”

Who you calling bastard, bitch? 

New York and Barry head out into the front yard to consult with the rest of the team. New York tells them that the bees are “rolling deep”.   They ask her to show them, and someone must have reminded her about the money because now she is ready to go.  But first, they have to suit up in their protective bee gear.

It looks like they’re in a box, but the guys say they have to go in for a closer look. They tell her that the bees can’t get her, if she’s confident, they won’t even look at her. “And plus, I’m the HBIC.” she says. They carry the box out of the shed it’s in, and set it down on the grass. They tell New York that now they’ll need to open the box up and see what’s going on in there. Uh, there are a shitload of bees in that box. That thing had to have been planted.

New York is grossed out, and says there’s like a million of them in there, “That is nasty, they’re like sucking on something, or doing something. I’m gonna throw up in my suit.” Please do. That would be awesome. 

 

We break for a commercial, and are given the choices to vote on for next week:

Who the hell would pay to vote for this? 

Alright. We’re back from commercials, and New York is still feeling like she’s gonna puke. All they need to do is get the box with the bees into some sort of bag, then they’re done. Looks like a hefty trash bag or something. New York wants to know why we did this to her. I imagine it’s because the people who voted thought it would be funny. Animal removal specialist, Trevor tells us that bees can sense fear, “so the best thing to do is to stay calm. However, New York’s reaction was, you know, straight panic.” Well, the good news for you Trevor is that the bees should be so focused on her, the rest of you will be invisible.

Does taking a dump keep them away too? 

They get the box in the trash bag! Success on the first task. Well done, New York. Sort of. They head off to the next stop. The guys claim they don’t know what it is until they get there. I think they do know, but I’m a naturally suspicious person. 

Uh oh. It’s a skank removal. They can be tricky. 

The nerdy skank tells them she was in the backyard earlier with her dog and she saw a snake. “Boxes of bees, loose snakes all over the place, what the hell is wrong with this neighborhood?” asks New York. Can we find out where this is so that I can add it to my list of places I never want to live? 

The guys give her a crash course in the proper procedure for snake removal. I have to hand it to her, I would be outta there. There is no fucking way I’d be getting anywhere near a snake. I don’t even like to see them on my TV. New York asks the skanks if they really saw a snake, “or are y’all hallucinating with the drugs and the experimenin’?” Hehehe. They swear! It almost ate the dog. You know, that wouldn’t happen if you got a real sized dog instead of one of those yippy little things.

“I guess I’m going to have to go out there and charm his little snake ass.” 

They start looking around for the snake. Guess who sees it first? You’ll never guess. New York! I know, can you believe it? I told you you’d never guess. And off she goes again. I will say this, girlfriend can run fast. Trevor is not happy that she took off running. He says you never want to lose sight of a snake because you may only have one shot to grab it. See? The show is educational too.

In the front yard New York is having a heart to heart with herself. She ponders the great philosophical questions about life. “Is it worth ten thousand dollars?” The answer is “Hell yeah.” She ain’t gonna let no snake get between her and that ten grand. Uh oh, Mr. Snake. You better watch out. 

She goes back, and the guys tell her she has to get behind the snake. New York tells the guys not to let the snake kill her. This snake is seriously bugging me out. It almost seems to be rippling through the grass. It’s really creepy. New York is now standing behind Trevor, which is still better than what I’d be doing at this point (driving home). 

Trevor tells her she has to get it, and she eventually does, though she is crying by that point. They put it in a snake bag (seriously, it’s actually labeled snake bagger, can you believe it?), and just like that, the second task is completed. New York tells us that the day can’t get any worse than this. Wanna bet?

It’s too late for prayer. 

And now, the last stop. Dead animal removal. YUCK. New York wants to know how they know the animal is dead. Apparently the homeowners said there’s a funny smell in the house. DOUBLE YUCK. Let’s go see if we can find the source! Count me in!!

The smell is coming from underneath the basement. They suit up to go in. New York says, “I’ve never been beneath a house before. I didn’t even know it was possible for you to get down there.” They see immediately that the screen is broken, and Trevor says that is NOT good. Oh crap on a cracker, now I’m imagining all sorts of crispy critters that could have gotten in through a broken screen. I am going to end up having nightmares tonight, I’m telling you.

So Jason is going to take a peek, but the rookie is the one that has to go under. Jason confirms that there is something dead under there. New York thinks that Jason should take care of it since he’s already under the house. Can’t argue with that logic. Oh, and not only does she have to go in there, according to Trevor they have a helmet with a camera attached that all newbies have to wear. That is complete and utter bullcrap. 

She says she’s not going in there. But then she won’t get paid. Which will win out, fear or greed? 

That’s what I thought. 

She looks through to see what’s in there, and it’s a dead rat. Nasty. She is off running and screaming. “No, no, no, nuh uh, nope, nope, no, no, no.”  She says the rat is huge and she’s not touching it. I am with you on that!

See? 

New York tells the guys that they’ll be there all night, she’s not doing it. “They must be crazy thinking I’m gonna crawl down here underneath this house, I ain’t trying to get no plague.” Trevor tries telling her it’s a little tiny thing, but she’s not buying it. I wanna know what rats he’s been dealing with that are bigger than that fucker, ’cause it looked pretty big to me, and Ive see New York (the city) rats. She says she’s not going to do it by herself, because she will die. She feels like she has to poop and throw up both at the same time.

I know how you feel. 

And then a live one goes trotting by. Yeah, I was going to say I’d be outta there, but really, I’d never see that because I would have skedaddled long ago. They talk her into Jason going under to see if anything’s really alive, and then possibly using the tongs. Jason goes in, but she can’t do it. She’s hyperventilating, and practically making herself sick. Jason is not happy that New York left him while he was under the house. Whatever, Jason. Some of us don’t like to have to deal with live rodents. Or dead ones for that matter. Hell, I call my mom and make her come over if I get a mouse in my garage!

She does apologize to him, but he doesn’t really care. She tells him she’s never been that afraid in her whole life. I have a feeling we may be hearing her say that many times during this show. Just a hunch. She tells the guys that she has respect for what they do, and here again, I agree. What would possess someone to want to do this job, I don’t know. But Thank God there is someone who wants to do it. 

With that, it’s time to head back to headquarters to see what her results are. It seems pretty obvious that she won’t be getting paid, right? 

Each of the guys will be making their comments, but the final decision will be up to Randy. First up is Barry. He calls her out on running away as soon as she saw one bee, but commends on her coming back and completing the task. He passes her. 

Trevor’s turn. He thinks she didn’t do too good on the snake, she had a little hesitation. But she ended up jumping in and wrangling that snake, so she passes the second task.

Last up is Jason. Who she left under the house. This should be good. He tells her she left him hanging. Fail! Randy tells New York when it came to the most important job of the day, removing dead rats, she left his guy hanging. He wants her to tell him why she couldn’t get under the house.

“I’ll tell you straight out Randy, I hate mice and rats, I don’t think that shit is cute.” He tells her if they were hiring somebody, they’d have to complete all the tasks. It’s going to be a rough decision. What’s rough about it? She didn’t do everything, she shouldn’t get paid. Period. End of Story.

He goes on to say that no one’s great the first day on the job. Is he factoring in the 50% that quit, or only the people that decide to stay? He’s made his decision. And….he gives her the money!

What a crock 

So what did you think, Gasmi? Should New York have gotten that paycheck? What are you hoping she has to do next? Whatever it is, I’ll be there. Hope you will too!

SWAK, PottyMouth