New York Goes To Work: Oh, Stop Your Swine-ing

To get myself in the mood for this week’s episode of New York Goes To Work, I just polished off an entire bag of Grandpa John’s Pork Cracklin’ Strips. Now seasoned with cayenne pepper. Mmmmmmmm. If you have never had pork cracklin’ before, you should definitely give it a try. Just be sure to have the phone nearby in case you need to dial 911.

If you haven’t guessed yet, New York’s job this week will be pig farmer!

 

New York starts out being excited about her day and finding out what job America has chosen for her. Oooooh. I guess that will be part of the formula every week, right? She’ll tell us how excited she is, then she’ll see what it is that she’ll be doing and say something like “Oh hell no!!” Not that I’m implying that this show is scripted or anything.

So anyhoodle, New York is real excited to see what shut-ins with nothing better to do than spend money voting on this shit her fans have picked out for her next job. And then………

Of course, as soon as she sees the sign, she starts saying, “Oh no, oh no, no, no, no.” Shocking, I know. She thinks this is like a bad dream. New York gets out of her SUV and introduces herself to Randy, Master Pig Farmer.

 

Lord of the Pigs 

New York asks us if we’ve ever heard of something called swine flu. I hate to say this honey, but have you ever thought that’s why they sent your ass to a pig farm? Randy tells her she’ll be put through the regular chores that they do there every day. 

At the end of the day, Randy will decide whether or not New York can be a pig framer, and whether or not she’ll get her money. They better not pull the same bullshit they pulled last week where she didn’t even do the job and still got paid. I’m still bitter about it.

First she needs to change into the right working clothes.

Accessorize! 

They head on up to where the pigs are. Randy introduces New York to the crew. First up, we have Infro, resident Swine Expert. I’d ask how you attain that lofty job title, but I believe I asked the same question last week about one of the bug guys. So instead, this week I’ll ask, why would one want to be a swine expert?

Maybe it’s because of the nifty hat! 

Next, Randy introduces her to Bryan, his son and apprentice pig farmer.

When dad said apprentice I thought he wanted me to go on Donald Trump’s show! I hate these dirty pigs. 

Last introduction is Siro, Master Goat Keeper.

Yes, I fuck the goats. 

New York says that these guys look like they haven’t been around a woman in a long time. No Shit. She is not lying. It’s kind of creepy, the way they’re looking at her. Time to get to work! 

As they walk into the barn, New York wants to know why it’s so filthy in there. Randy’s like, “Duh, it’s a pig farm lady. What’d you expect?” He tells her she’s going to need to put her purse somewhere so she can get started working. New York tells him her purse is expensive. Well, in that case, put it in the cabinet next to the semen.

Don’t tell her the semen’s ours. 

She tells Randy, “You guys can’t be living like this, this is not sanitary. Oh my goodness. This is disgusting.” Well then, you’ll love your first job. Cleaning the pig pen. Aka, shoveling shit. Woo hoo! Where can I sign up for this job? New York asks him if that’s poop in there. Yep, absolutely.

Ugh. That pen is really gross. New York says, “She should be ashamed of her little pig ass.” She does not want to go in there. And then she starts acting like she’s going to throw up. Seriously? Is this going to happen every episode too? Please know that even as I say this, I am dry heaving at the thought of that smell. Yes, I am a hypocrite.

She starts to shovel, and immediately freaks out because a fly has flown into her hair. She heard it zing in her ear. She is worse than I am. Really? A fly?

Now that the fly crisis has been averted, New York begins to shovel some shit. She thinks it’s disgusting. Yeah, I’m not going to argue with her on that one. Randy tells her that even is she doesn’t make it as a pig farmer, this will be good for her resume. Hahahahahaha. For what, exactly? Under special skills….I can shovel shit like nobody’s business.

You’re hired! 

What I loved best of all was the squishy sound effects from the editors. Thanks guys! What an appetite I’m building up right now! New York says that the first pig she saw made this loud grunting sound at her. “He knows that this little black girl does not belong on no pig farm.” He seems to be walking toward her…..and she’s off! She takes off running as fast as she can, convinced the pig is after her. With that, she has failed the first task. Oh, and on this job, they put little comments in and for this one hers is, “crappy job.” You know, someone got paid to come up with that. Crappy job indeed.

What’s next? Move the pig. Randy says one of the big tasks they have to do each day is moving pigs from one pen to another. Why? Why can’t they stay in the pen they’re in now? Why do they have to move every day? That just seems like creating work for the sake of work. I want to know what the rationale is behind moving them every day. Someone research that and get back to me! Thanks!

Infro is helping her, and he tells us he thinks she is very pretty. He’s holding her hand, and according to New York, he’s rubbing on her. God, I hope she just means the hand.  Otherwise I might puke. He tells New York that they need to push the pig out. So they poke her with a couple of sticks. Poor Pig.

Of course, as soon as the pig moves, New York freaks the fuck out, trying to find a place to run to. She doesn’t want to die. Right about now, I do. Oh lord, I think she’s actually crying. I need a drink. And commercial. Weeee! I’ll be back armed with booze!!!

So during the commercial break, we find out what the job choices are for next week. Anyone care? Me either, but here they are…..

Okay. I changed my mind. I do care. I hope she gets the nudist resort employee. New York having to deal with old balls and the oddball assortment of naked people there is bound to be has got some potential. 

Back to the show. Oh Shit. I forgot to get my cocktail. Crap. My ass is too lazy to go back downstairs. We pick up right where we left off. New York is freaking out. Infro has the pig moving down the hallway of the barn. I guess you’d call it a hallway. I don’t fucking know. New York is so into this job that she decides to take a moment for herself.

New York, you are such a tease. 

Randy says that pigs get skittish and that New York has to get over that fear. Did Randy just call New York a pig? Sounded that way to me! New York is terrified. I will give her this, that pig is fucking HUGE. So they’ve got some boards to help herd the pig, and New York lets it walk right by her. It is just as interesting as it sounds. 

In the end, she gets a failing mark because Infro helped her too much. That’s two tasks she’s now failed. 

Now she gets to work with Bryan, feeding the pigs. Bryan tells us that since he’s the youngest, he’s at the bottom of the totem pole. Naturally he’s excited to have someone that he gets to boss around for a change. I’m sure he’ll keep in mind how he feels when the guys give him a hard time, right? 

He immediately starts to boss her around. Now New York has reverted back to her childhood and is jumping up and down like a three year old. She tells Bryan if he helps her she’ll split the money with him. He just laughs at her. “Bryan is acting like a total hardass. He’s directing me and telling me to do this and do that. What a brat.” 

She tells him she needs a tissue and goes off for a minute. Or ten. We hear him telling her to get a move on, and she’s fixing her makeup, and having a drink of water. Basically taking her sweet ass time.

She starts dumping the food into the pig pens, and Bryan tells her when they’re done with this load, they’ll need to go back and get more. That’s not exactly what she was hoping to hear, but Bryan is not one for sympathy. He wants her to just do it. What a little punk. But punk or not, New York passes this task.

It’s lunch time at the Pork Palace. Randy introduces New York to his mom, Sally. New York thinks she seems like a sweet old lady. She is ready to eat. I wonder what they’re having. 

That’s some pig! 

Apparently being a pig farmer also means carving the pig. Infro tells her he killed and butchered the pig. She better be careful. New York wants to know do they think if they didn’t cut the pig could he come back to life. Zombie piiiiig!!!!!! Is she talking about piggy reincarnation? I’m so confused. 

Sally tells New York that they use pig skin for burn patients. New York thinks that’s disgusting. Of course she does. She carves and serves the pig, but doesn’t eat any herself. I think she lost her appetite watching them eat. “I’ve never seen a group of people enjoy a pig so much. They were licking their fingers, sucking on the bones, I was like, you creepy bastards! I can’t wait to leave this table.”

Mmmmmm, almost as good as human flesh. 

She passed the pig carving task. Only two left. Next up is trimming goat toe nails. Wow. The fun never ends on the pig farm. Now she’s working with Siro. But she’s sooooooo tired. Yeah, I know how you feel. She’s whining and complaining and whining some more. She just wants this to be over. Me too.

Randy tells her she’s going to need to do it by herself. She doesn’t want to!!! Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah. Wah. FAIL.

Not only did she not trim the goat nails, New York left the barn door open and some of the goats escaped. She has to help get them back. So she walks up the hill to try and get one, and fall/slides back down the hill. It’s not as funny as I wish it were. She ends up getting the goat. Hoo-rah.

Last job. Breeding the pig. 

Primero, me lameré los dedos del pie. He oído que usted tiene amor de eso. 

No, not that pig. Randy hands her the spiret. New York wishes they would wait until after she leaves to do this. “Why do I have to get this pig pregnant?” Randy tells her that the spiret is pretty much an exact replica of a boar’s penis. 

Where the boars at? 

New York asks Randy, “She’s that deep?” Yep. And the boar is that long. That is information I could have gone my whole life without knowing. REALLY. New York says she’s been trying to find loving like that for two seasons. Gross.

The pig walks toward New York. Randy thinks she can smell the sperm. He tells New York to get behind the pig and try to get it in her. He tells her to squirt the sperm in, but not too hard. Oh, and talk nice to her. New York does. “Take it, like a woman…”

Pig Porn 

New York asks if she’s officially the baby daddy. Ha. That was funny. New York can’t wait to tell her mom, “She’s really gonna be proud.” Oh how I’d love to see that conversation. And with that, she passes the final task.

Decision time. Randy gathers his staff for their input on New York’s performance. Before they start, Randy asks her if she has anything she’d like to say. “Gentlemen, this was so hard for me to do this because…the stench, the uniform, my makeup is ruined, my hair looks like crap, like all the things that matter to me, basically got destroyed. So I really gave myself to try to be a really excellent pig farmer.” Oooookay. I guess a really excellent pig farmer runs away when a pig walks toward him? 

Let’s see what the guys think, shall we? Infro is first. He thinks New York was “Berry bad on the firsht tie.  You run away all the tiiime. After dat, you make a berry good job. And….I know you’re beautiful. I say jess.” Siro is up next. He thinks New York has more to learn. But when she was chasing the goat, she has “beautiful bubbies”. He votes yes. Last up is Bratty Bryan. He may be bratty, but he speaks the truth. “Let’s be honest here, every job you did was really, really bad.” In no way does she deserve the title of pig farmer. She is not getting his vote.

As we all know, Randy will make the final decision. Randy tells her when she first stepped out of the car, he didn’t think there was any way she was going to do it. He didn’t think she was even going to be able to finish the day. However, she impressed him with her pig insemination, and catching the goat. He gives her the fucking money!!! Are you kidding me?!?! She only did half of the tasks!! This is fucking bullshit. AGAIN!

Another crock of shit. 

Tune in next week to see if New York gets paid for not doing a job. Hope to see you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth