New York Goes To Work: Franks and Beans!

This show is killing me! To help speed the process along, I’ve decided to mirror New York’s job each week as I write my recap. Last week, it was eating an entire bag of pork cracklin’. This week, I’ll be writing my recap au natural – all I can say is be happy you can’t see it, and I apologize if you are my neighbor. Shit! I have to go turn the AC off.

In case you haven’t guessed, this week New York Goes To Work at the nudist resort.

Uh, Lady? That smilie face is tying to give your husband a blow job. 

So it looks like New York is finally catching on to how this going to work; she’s nervous about where America is sending her this week. She pulls up to the Terra Cotta Inn. I guess New York hasn’t eaten yet because she says, “America, there better be a cafeteria in there.” Something tells me she’ll be losing her appetite real soon.

The door to the inn is opened by a woman who introduces herself as Holly. She is not nude. I can only assume that this is in order to maximize New York’s distress when she meets the owners.

The owner, Tom talks to New York as if he’s talking to a two year old. You know the voice. Sort of higher pitched, and really condescending. I can already tell he is going to irritate me. He tells her she is at a nudist resort. She wants to know where the rest of his outfit is, and he tells her normally he works in only in his shoes, socks and a smile.

Awwwww, he dressed up for you! 

“Oh my goodness, his wiener is out! Uh uh. No, no, no, no, nonononono.” Okay, maybe he should be talking to her like a two year old after all. Tom tells us that the Terra Cotta Inn is a very popular “clothing optional” resort. “It’s actually just like any other hotel. The one difference is our guests get a much better suntan.” YEY skin cancer!!!! Woo! He tells New York she is going to have lots of fun. 

Why is the ass smilie mad? Did this lady just fart or something? 

Tom tells New York that they have very good hygiene standards there. New York tells us she always thought good hygiene required pants. Time for us to see what New York will be doing today.

Tom tells her it’s going to be lots and lots of hard work, but it’s also lots of fun. New York is a little preoccupied. “Your dick is out! I’m sorry, I’m just noticing it.” Tom continues on with his spiel, telling her he will decide at the end of the day whether or not she deserves to get paid. I swear to fucking god, if she fucks around Again, and still gets paid………I’ll………um……….well………recap the next episode I guess. SHIT! 

“My ten thousand dollars is on the line, so you know what, I’m just gonna keep pushing forward, and keeping my eyes on the prize. It’s just hard to do it with all these nekkid oooooold people around.”

Time to get to work! Tom tells her since it’s early in the morning, they will need to serve the guests breakfast. Mary Clare comes over to explain to New York the art of serving breakfast. It boils down to serve them. Be bubbly. And be cheerful. Well that should be no problem since New York has a good case of the giggles going on.

EEEEK! Is this her cheerful face?!?  

New York thinks it’s going to be simple to hand out fruit, croissants and orange juice. No problemo. And then the guests start to arrive. Alright. I have to say it. Why does it seem to be the people you WISH would keep their clothes ON that want to parade around naked?

 

Exhibit A 

So far New York’s asking the people what they want and holding it together. Then a guy walks in that seems to be her type. He’s wearing a towel around his waist.  She introduces herself to him (as Tiffany), and offers to help him get his breakfast. They seem to be hitting it off, and then he takes the towel off and slings it over his shoulder.

I bet he has a teeny weenie.  

Of course she immediately develops a case of the vapors and starts hyperventilating and gulping. “Your thing is out, like you’re hanging out.” He’s like DUH, we’re nude. This dude is SOOOO into himself and how awesome he thinks he is. Blarf. 

He wants to know if she’s going to get naked. New York says she feels naked just by looking at his body. She goes on to tell us, “Uh uh honey! You’re gonna have to pay me MORE than ten thousand dollars to see my rack.” She wants to know if it bothers him to be like that. Uh YEAH. That’s why he goes to a nudist resort. It’s where all the people who are uncomfortable being naked go to hang out.  Don’t be a dumbass.

In the end she gets a passing mark for serving breakfast. Next! This one’s labeled Customer Service. Tom tells New York he’d like her to check on the guests and see if she can refresh their drinks. She approaches some old dude and asks if he wants a drink, and then proceeds to ask the woman with him if he can have alcohol, or is he too old for it? Hahahahaha. He’d like a beer. Me too, old nekkid dude, me too.

Oh lord. Now we have a guy that I am going to call Dick the Diva. He wants to know if New York can get him a hot tea. What the fuck is on his necklace? Is it his butt plug? 

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. I have a dick in my ear. 

New York brings him over a nice cup of tea. Dick the Diva would like to know if she has a stirrer. “It’s not going to stir itself, girl.”

Try using your prick then, Dick. 

New York goes off to get DD a stirrer, muttering under her breath, “He’s going to make me kill him.” She tells us, “This big fat hairy guy is definitely starting to get obnoxious (I’m sure he’s being paid to do just that), he better not think he’s the boss of me!” 

She must have brought DD his stirrer, because now she’s talking to the muscle man, saying she’s going to get him some seltzer water. He wants alka seltzer because he’s hung. Over. Yes, I’m a twelve year old. While she’s talking to Muscle, DD is asking her where the floaties are. She’s ignoring him. As would I. 

Tom just happens to be standing right there, and points out to New York that DD was asking her a question. She steps over to hear his question. “Where. Are. The. Floa-Ties.” 

Dude, you ARE a flotation device. 

New York gives him a look like she is itching to smack him upside the head. She tells him she doesn’t know, it’s her first day. He replies, “Oh really, well then why you find out.” Ooooooooo. I hope she loses her shit. She doesn’t lose it, but she tells him, “You know what, I’m so sick of your attitude. There’s only so much I’m going to take.” 

Mister, if you don’t shut up, I’m going to kick 100% of your ass! 

She says she might pluck every last hair out of his back one by one. Not to him, of course, although that would have been AWEsome. We go into commercial with them giving each other the evil eye. Okay, not really. DD is giving her his best Diva Dick look, while she’s still looking like she wants to bitch slap him.

For those of you foolish to waste your money voting on this crap, here are your choices for next week.

Oh Gee. I wonder which one it will be? My prediction is ghost hunter. How fabulous will that be? An entire show devoted to scaring the crap out of New York.  woo. It’ll be like re-living the exterminator episode all over again.  

Back from commercials, we rejoin the DD drama. Tom has been lurking in the background during their entire exchange, and I think he’s worried that New York may actually pop DD in the mouth, because he comes over to save DD from an ass whooping ask what’s going on. DD says he just wants to know where the floaties are, and Tom says she’ll go get them for him. “It’s a good thing Tom stepped in when he did ’cause I mighta strangled this man with a sash.” 

Tom tells her it’s sort of like working at a restaurant. “You always have to smile at the guests, and if somebody frustrates you, you just roll with the punches.” And then spit in their food. 

New York has moved on from her encounter with DD and goes to sit poolside with some other nekkid old people. She asks them if they’re comfortable just hanging out and stuff. They are. “So you don’t care if I stare down there.” Nope. He doesn’t mind at all. New York thinks he doesn’t mind because his wife is right there with him, but that’s not his wife. His wife is across the way, watching them talk.

She doesn’t care that New York is talking to her naked husband. “This lady is super chill with me talking to her man, and his business is just hanging out, so I just wanted to talk to her some more and figure this all out.” This wife tells her it’s not about sex. “Oh no one ever tries to hook up with your piece?” Nope.

I wonder why 

Wife goes on to tell New York it’s about being who you are. New York can dig that. Wife wants her to take something off. New York just laughs and tells wife that maybe she will. And with that, she has passed on customer service. What’s up next?

Tom tells New York he saw her talking to someone of the guests and having fun and that’s great, but they need to get back to some of the harder work. I think he’s jealous that the guests like her more than they like him. Except for DD of course. 

Holly is going to take New York over to clean one of the rooms. Well. We all know how much New York likes actual work, so I’m betting she’s going to tank on this task. “I’m going to need a drink to get through cleaning these rooms. I don’t want to pick up after anyone else.” I feel ya on that one, New York. 

She asks Holly if people are allowed to have sex in the rooms. Yep. First they have to change the sheets on the bed. New York is happy to be wearing gloves. She thinks making the bed sucks and is gross. Oh, it could be a million times worse, honey.

Time to move on to the bathroom. Holly tells her she just has to wipe everything down. Uch. Bathrooms have to be the grossest room to clean. Of course, New York is not really cleaning the bathroom so much as spraying the cleaner and swirling around a towel.

Looks clean to me! 

Holly stepped away, which was a big mistake. HUGE! Did she really think that New York was going to be cleaning while she was gone? SUCKA! Tom comes in to get Holly because they have to help another guest. New York will be on her own to vacuum the room. Yeah. That wasn’t at all staged. New York tells us she’s tired, and she can’t believe they want her to do all this work on her own. “These are some lazy ass nekkid people.” 

Now we get to see New York try to vacuum. Except she can’t figure out how to turn the vacuum on. She checks the plug, that’s not it. So she just moves the vacuum back and forth. Are you serious? How can a grown woman not know how to turn on a vacuum cleaner? Tom comes in and asks if she needs help. I do!!!!!! Please.

Tom says New York is not cutting it. She’s supposed to be cleaning one of the rooms, but she’s doing more wandering around and lounging around than actual work. Big surprise. She fails on the task of cleaning rooms. I’m shocked.

The final task will be setting up for a luau that they will be throwing for the guests. She’ll have to set up the tiki torches, and entertain the guests. Oooooo! I know! They can put on a play!

I think Tom should play the scarecrow. 

They start to plant the tiki torches, and Tom tells New York she has to go deeper. Tom, shouldn’t she be saying that to you? She can’t get them in deep enough, so she decides to hide them instead. I’m sure that will work out well. “I didn’t care anymore. This is supposed to be a luau; I wanna have fun too!” 

New York tells the guests it’s partytime! She’s going to get them drinks, but first she opens up a bottle of wine for herself. She’s drinking and toasting, and flirting with Muscle while Tom looks on disapprovingly. He says she’s crossed a fine line between being a guest and serving the guests.

Where does servicing the guests fit in? 

She goes over to a wicker couch to take a load off, and here comes ole party pooper Tom to give her a lecture about drinking on the job. First he has a question for her. “What are these?”

The poles you pulled from outta your ass? 

Ugh. He’s talking to her in that sing songy voice again. I can’t stand when people talk like that. It’s so annoying. He notices there are a couple of drinks at her feet, and she says they’re not hers. LIAR!!  She then tells him that she opened wine for someone and they wanted her to taste it. I wonder if she used to tell her parents that her watch was broken and that’s why she was late for curfew. It never works. No! I never did that! 

He’s not buying it. He tells her she’s an employee, not a guest. And with that, she has failed on the luau task. Mercifully that ends her “job” for this week. Tom is going to meet with Mary Clare and Holly, and then he will decide if she gets her paycheck. 

Let’s see what they have to say. First Tom tells her that they enjoyed working with her and they hope she enjoyed working with them. “This is definitely something that I never experienced before, and it just shows that you don’t have to be perfect, you can still flaunt whatever you have.”

Please don’t 

Holly thought New York was a great person and so friendly, but she sucked at cleaning. Her vote is no. But she was very nice and apologetic about it. Mary Clare really enjoyed working with New York. She thought she was very enthusiastic and friendly. She votes yes. It’s all up to Tom. 

Shit! I knew I shoulda sucked his dick earlier 

Tom walks over to her. “As a person, I really liked working with you, you’re a great people person….however, there’s a fine line between acting as you’re on vacation and doing the work that’s expected of you. In life everybody has problems, you have to suck it up and you have to still do the job.” UGH. Shut the Fuck UP, Tom. He brings up her drinking on the job again. “I had a little drink on the job, big deal. He was nekkid the whole entire time.” 

Tom shows New York her check and says he would like to give it to her. But he’s not going to!! Fucking FINALLY!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

New York thinks he should have at least given her half the money since she had to look at his penis all day. “I put up with all these old wrinkly ass bodies all day and I’m not even gonna get paid?” Nope. She’s not happy. She tells us that when Tom ripped up the check in her face, she wanted to slap the crap out of him. Oh, and she feels violated. 

WHAT. THE. FUCK. 

So we finally got someone with enough balls to not give her the paycheck. Too bad they were hanging out the entire show. I never thought I’d be so happy to see smilies everywhere. What did you all think, Gasmi? Should New York have gotten paid? Do you feel sorry for her that she had to look at old wrinkly ass people all day? 

I think my neighbors called the cops on my naked ass, so I’ve gots ta go now. See ya next week!

SWAK, PottyMouth