New York Goes To Work: I See Dead People…..(But I’d Rather See a Dead Show)

In honor of this week’s job on New York Goes to Work, I busted out my old Ouija board, and asked it a few questions. I was looking for some answers. Question #1: Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? It ignored me. Hmmm. Question #2: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? No answer. ***Shakes it***. Is this thing broken? NOOOOOOO. Oh. Okay. Question #3: When is this show gonna get cancelled?

Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Save yourselves!!!!!! 

Okay, fuck the Ouija board. I’m consulting the spirits in a different way.

Much Better 

We begin this week as we have every other episode. New York is in her SUV heading toward the job America has chosen for her. New York is really hoping for the cake maker job. Maybe she hasn’t figured out yet that she’s going to keep getting stuck with the worst job of the three.

And then she sees the sign that says: Ghosts and Legends of the Queen Mary. You guessed it; this week’s job is ghost hunter. And New York is beyond excited.

I will kick the ass of all five people who are voting for this shit. 

She is already carrying on before the car has even stopped. She doesn’t want any dead ghosts getting inside of her body. Umm. It hasn’t really seemed like it mattered before who was getting into your body. As she’s getting out of the SUV, we hear someone tell her to have a good day at work. I love you faceless nameless wiseass!

New York walks over to meet the team of ghost hunters she’ll be working with. They’re all with Beyond Investigation Magazine. Pat is the Head Ghost Hunter and he starts to tell her a little of the history of the Queen Mary, and then introduces her to the rest of the team.

We have Erica, the psychic, Steve, technician and skeptic, and Chris, junior techie and resident scaredy cat. 

Pat tells New York if she completes every task she’ll get a check for ten thousand dollars. We all know by now that that’s not strictly true as she’s gotten the check before without doing everything, but whatever, carry on Pat. New York tells them she will be there for them, but she doesn’t want to do the actual catching. I think they should give her a butterfly net and send her on her way. 

And then, New York sees a woman in one of the windows. Of course she immediately starts freaking the fuck out, and Pat and Erica tell her that it’s a working hotel, so there are people aboard the ship. What a relief!! As they head inside, New York tells us she is so happy she wore her cross today. 

Didn’t seem to help this guy 

She says she can already feel the energy, and is crossing herself and asking her grandma to protect her. And then, she smells it. One of the guys AWESOMELY says, “Oh, that was me, sorry.” Heeheehee. She says it smells like death. Yeah, hot dog farts are like that.

New York thinks it’s getting thick in there, and then she freaks out again because she’s seen something. But never fear, it’s just another poor hotel guest having the crap scared out of them by the crazy screaming lady. The finally reach base camp, which looks an awful lot like a conference room. Pat gives her the ghost hunting uniform to put on and New York tells us she’s really nervous, but for ten g’s. “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.” I’m sure that was completely spontaneous.

Pat tells us that they’ve been investigating the Queen Mary for about five years. Does it really take five years to figure out whether or not a place is haunted? I think not. Oh, and they take it “extremely serious.” Me too, Pat, me too. Let’s find out what New York will have to do today.

Voices of the Vortex is totally my imaginary band’s name 

Pat tells her she’s going to be heading down to the first class pool to run some tests. They’ve also got her rigged up to a camera. Not for the ghost hunting, of course, but for us to see up close and personal how loverly she looks every time she freaks out.

This is not an attractive angle for anyone 

When they get down to the pool, Erica tells New York that Jackie is a seven and a half year old little girl who is believed to have drowned. New York says that Jackie is there, she can feel it, and Erica soothes her. Erica gives her the dousing sticks so she can talk to Jackie. So apparently if you hold them loosely, they will start to move, but you are supposed to ask the ghosts to perform deliberate movement. 

So Erica tells New York to ask Jackie to cross the rods. “Jackie, if you’re here can you cross the dousling rods?” They start to move and New York is like a little kid in her excitement.

I do believe in Jackie, I do! I do! 

I have to admit that New York had me smiling here; her excitement is a little contagious, even for this old cynic. Erica says she can hear Jackie and that she is laughing at New York. THAT I believe. New York wants to know if Jackie thinks she’s stupid, but Erica assures her that she thinks New York is funny. Tomato/Tomahto. 

New York says she’s never seen anything like this before in her natural black ass life. Hee. Crap. Am I actually starting to enjoy myself? Must Resist. New York thinks Jackie is a friendly ghost, and if all the ghosts on this ship are like that, she might be able to do this.

Let’s hope she doesn’t run into this guy 

So that’s a pass on the first task. On to the second, stamp record the voices of the vortex. New York tells Erica she has a headache, and Erica immediately jumps all over that saying that the electromagnetic energy is going to cause things like headache, nausea, and something else I can’t make out. But now I’m worried. Maybe my house is haunted because I’m feeling pretty nauseous. Jackie? Is that you? 

Oh. It’s just you. I sorta wish it was Jackie. 

They’ll be heading into the doorway for the paranormal activity. I wonder if the door is locked. Hopefully she can find the key.

So this vortex is located in the changing rooms of the first class swimming pool. Ooooooooo, naked ghosts! Ghost porn. Woo! As soon as they start walking in New York says something is trying to take her over. “I’m not even lying, something is not right. Something is trying to get inside of me.”

Don’t let It in!!! 

And then New York drops the equipment and breaks it. Uh oh. Breaking the equipment is a big no no. But equipment or no, they are still going into the vortex. Erica tells New York it will be just the two of them and it will be very dark. Ahhhh, all the better to creep her out. They’ll be asking questions, trying to get an answer on the recorder. But didn’t she break that? I’m so confused.

Erica tells us that the changing room tends to be one of the scariest places on the ship. They’ve had people pass out, black out, and fall down. “If it falls under the paranormal category we have had some sort of incident in there.” Really? Sounds to me like people keep getting drunk in the changing rooms. I may join them soon.

New York starts screaming and carrying on, and I’m really getting over it. Erica tells her that the screaming is attracting him. I guess she’s referring to a ghost. Hmmmm, what kind of a ghost gets attracted by screams? New York starts clucking like a chicken “It got dark, it got dark, it got dark.” 

And it is here that we break for a commercial so that we can see what the job choices are for next week.

You know what job I would like to see New York do? Recap this shitty show. Now that I would vote for a bazillion times. Okay, maybe not a bazillion, but at least twice!

We rejoin Erica and New York in the vortex. She’s still freaking out. Erica wants to ask some questions. New York? Not so much. Erica says to ask if it is a male or female with them. New York says, “Male or female? Whaaat?” Then Erica tells New York she sees a man standing in there, and New York is outta there faster than a speeding bullet. And thus she fails the second task.

For her next assignment, she is going down to the boiler room with Steve. Oooo, I love Boiler Room!

Of course it’s light to be as creepy as possible. New York feels an evil energy. Steve tells us that there is presumably a ghost named Henry that haunts the boiler room. He was a crew member on the ship, who got steamed to death. So he’s an angry ghost. Yeah, I could understand that. 

And then, Erica decides to join them. I wonder if she drew the short straw and got delegated the job of babysitting New York. Sucks to be you Erica! Oh! Erica says she got a really weird vibe upstairs, and she doesn’t know if New York should go back there. Puh-lease.

They’ve got some sort of equipment that measures temperature, and Henry is reading at 108 degrees Fahrenheit. And then. New York starts carrying on again. This time Henry is on her. New York asks Henry if he’s mad at her. Steve thinks that since Henry seems to like New York, he should leave the room along with Erica. 

How horny is that ghost? 

They assure her she will be right outside. I love Steve. He says to her, “If we hear you scream, we can hear you scream.” Thanks dude, that’s so helpful. He tells to her to be calm, talk to him and see if he’ll answer anything for her. 

She’s got her dousling rods again, and starts to talk to Henry. She asks him if he’s mad. The rods are crossing and uncrossing, but I still think they probably do that whether anything is really there or not. But now she thinks he’s said he’s mad. “Whatchu mad at? Are you mad at me?” 

Maybe he’s been assigned to recap your show for Whatinthehellisontv.com 

She feels something on her arm and is outta there again, telling Erica and Steve that Henry grabbed her arm. Maybe he was trying to drag you to hell. (great movie by the way). Despite freaking out, they are counting this one as a success, so New York gets another pass.

Time for the last task. This one is a seance that the entire team will participate in. Uh Pat, New York is a Christian, okay? New York tells us she’s already met enough dead people to last her a lifetime. They head down to the cargo hold, and New York thinks it smells like copper and old people. Hahahahaha. This is where the seance will be held. It’s also where the POWs were held during WWII. Oh fun. Dead soldiers. Sign me up!

Erica tells New York she’s going to get it started, but then they’re planning on turning the seance over to New York. That’ll be productive. Erica asks if there’s anyone there willing to communicate with them. She asks for a sign if someone’s there. A knock, a tap, or a bang. And immediately after that there is a banging noise. Guess what? New York is freaked out. I know, shocking.

She’s actually holding it together, but ready to bolt at any minute. Erica tells her to take it over, so she asks, “What the fuck you want?”

What I want from you is……your voice 

Well you and I know that New York isn’t letting anyone take her voice away. So she just gets louder. “Something is behind me, something is behind me, something is behind me.” Yeah, it’s called your ass. And the ghost decides to get a little hot and heavy with New York and blows in her ear.

I’m not that kind of girl! 

Can you guess what happens next? I bet you can’t. Oh. You’re right. She says she’s done. She is not staying down there. Pat says to her, “So you’re saying that you’re done.” 

Did I stutter? 

And so she fails the final task. So that leaves us with a score of passing two and failing two. Time for her performance review. First up is Chris. He’s voting no because she broke their equipment. Well, you can’t argue with that rational. Erica had a blast working with her, but because New York spent the entire time in the vortex screaming and carrying on they couldn’t get any results. So she votes no as well. Steve gives her a yes vote based on the work she did in the boiler room. 

But it really doesn’t matter what any of them think. It’s all up to Pat. He starts by telling her he also had a great time. He brings up that she bailed on the seance, but goes on to say that despite her problems she faced her fears which makes this decision really hard. Ugh. Is he going to give her the money? That’s a load of crap.

“New York, good luck on your next job because unfortunately you are not a ghost hunter.” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And then he rips the check up in front of her just like the guy from last week. I can only assume that the producers have asked them to do that when they are not giving New York the money.

She is not happy. As she’s walking away, she’s saying she is done. “You’re not going to play games with me over ten grand each time. I’m not doing this anymore. It’s not worth it. I’m dead fucking serious too.” Yeah. If I thought she was serious I would throw a fucking party and invite each and every one of you. But this is just a ploy to get my hopes up so they can be stomped on and ground into dust next week. I’m not buying it!

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out! 

So what do think Gasmi? Happy she didn’t get the money? Hoping she keeps on truckin’? I’m going to go out on a limb and say she’ll be back and the vote will be for exotic animal trainer. Because I still have some hearing left.

Sorry the recap was late this week. I’ve been sick as a dog. Probably possessed or something. This was the first night I could drink again, and I can’t write this recap sober, so you see why I had to wait. Thanks for reading. See you next week!

SWAK, PottyMouth