New York Goes to Work: Who Let New York Out? Who? WhoWho? WhoWho?

Have I told you lately that I hate this show? Have I told you it makes me want to die? It takes away all my laughter, makes me want to swing from the rafters, or maybe just stick a fork in my thigh. This week New York Goes to Work as a doggie day care worker. To shadow this job I decided to babysit my parents’ cute little beagle, Sasha for an evening.  Bitch pooped on my carpet, broke into my pantry and ate everything she could scoff down in thirty seconds, peed in my favorite pair of shoes and scratched up my doors. There’s a reason I don’t have a dog. In fact there’s at least four right there. 

Don’t let the cute face fool ya. This is a Devil Dog. 

New York thinks she can do anything after being an exotic animal trainer last week. She’s got her fingers crossed for the grocery store job which sort of surprises me. There are a lot of people and situations that could really a piss a person off working at the grocery store. That said, I was hoping for that too. I’m sick of the animal jobs.

And so she gets doggie day care worker. Because I never get what I want. Boo hoo hoo. Poor me. I know you all feel sorry for me right? RIGHT?!?!? New York’s happy about this assignment. She thinks it will be fun. I think her definition of fun and mine are vastly different. Maybe it’s more fun for her to do these things than it is for us to watch them.

That one piece is driving me nuts!  

And the people working at this doggie day care……WOW.  The owner looks like a piece of work, and the rest, well, look for yourselves.

Marcie tells her she is going to Work because they have seventy-five dogs. Doesn’t that exceed the handler to dog ratio? Well, I think we all saw how I handled one dog so it’s safe to assume that seventy-five dogs would be out of my league. Let’s see how New York does.

Did this bitch say seventy-five dogs?!? 

Time to suit up for work and see what the tasks for the day are.

Marcie takes her outside to show her the dogs. There are a buttload of them. I’m guessing about seventy-five. What do you think? There’s a bloodhound there that New York says is a horse, not a dog. Then she says he looks like her ex-boyfriend.

I’m offended by that 

For her first task New York will be working with Darian cleaning the kennels. That sounds like too much fun. Darian says all she has to do is make the kennels look spotless, as if there isn’t any poop or anything in there. Can she just put newspaper down over everything? That would make it look clean, right?

As they go into the kennels, New York says it looks like prison. 

It is, Chica. Don’t drop the soap, I’m telling you. 

New York tells us that she’s wondering what these dogs could have done wrong to end up in doggie prison. And then. Darian brings her over to one that needs to be cleaned. Ummm, Gasmi? I may throw up. There’s a big ole pile of shit on the floor, and New York says it looks like ground beef or something. I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it through this part.

I was gonna put a picture of it in here, but decided to spare you all. Also? I don’t think I can look at it again. She doesn’t want to clean it up. Well, no shit. What else is new? Darian tells her, “It’s one of the doodies here.” Oh hardy har har Darian. And then they show it again, but all mushed. What the hell did she do to it? 

I lied. 

Of course as she’s cleaning it up the editors have added helpful squishing sounds to push me over the edge into barfville. Omhmygod, my tummy isn’t liking this. New York is saying that it’s chunky and that it reminds her of split pea soup – please make it stop!!!!!!! You know the funny thing is I can watch the goriest horror movie and be fine, but something like this or rotten food gets me every single time. I don’t know why. Weird, huh?

Crap! There’s more poop on the bed. It might be time to potty train these dogs. Once she gets the poop off the bed it needs to be taken to the washer. New York’s hoping she doesn’t have to wash it by hand. On the way into the room with the washer New York steps in poop. What kind of a day care is this? Is there poop everywhere? How long has the poop been hanging out? If I had a dog, I don’t think I’d let it stay here.

I stepped in shit!!!! 

She gets the washer started with that bed, and then moves on to clean the rest of the kennels. They show snippets of her cleaning and mopping and I have to say, for once it looks like she’s actually working without complaining too much. Maybe I passed out from all the poop talk and awoke in an alternate universe. This doesn’t seem like the New York I know.

Make a note of this. We may never see anything like it again. 

Darian passes her on this task. I’m not going to grumble or grouse about this one. She looks like she more than earned that pass this time.

Time for the next task. Marcie takes New York over to the No Bark Park where New York notices there is a whole lotta barking going on. Then she spies a pit bull and says, “Oh hell no!” Marcie tells us that they are hoping that when New York goes into the yard she will not freak out. Oh hahahahahahahahahahahaha, Marcie, you are so funny. Have you never watched this show? You should have. 

A couple of the dogs immediately stick their noses up her ass, and if I was their owners I’d be calling up right about now telling this Marcie chick I want my dog deloused. Then another dog jumps up at her boobs. I think he was actually trying to lick them. Perv dog.

My bitch don’t have boobs like these.

And now another dog is sniffing her crotch. Or as she likes to call it, “her piece”. 

My breath smells better than this. 

Dog handler Jenn tells New York that this is where they hang out all the time. This is where they exercise the dogs, and throw balls for them. Jenn’s going to introduce her around. One of the dogs is Sally, a bloodhound. Jenn tells New York that they are known for their sense of smell, and their faces are all wrinkly. New York says, “I hope she don’t mind me saying so but her face look like a nut sack.”

You smell like a nut sack. 

So this task is all about exercising the dogs. This apparently consists of running around the yard clapping and saying, “Come on guys.” As they start to run around it looks like one of the dogs jumps up and maybe clips New York. She starts saying the dog bit her. I’m sure we’ll find out what happened, but first we need to take a commercial break so we can find out the job choices for next week.

Dear idiots who vote for this shit, PLEASE vote for clown. 

Let’s get back to the yard because I’m dying to find out if New York is okay. Maybe if she’s hurt they’ll have to cancel the show. I’m not saying I hope she’s hurt because that would be bad karma, but I will say I’d love for the show to get cancelled…….

As I suspected there’s not even a scratch on her. She’s so melodramatic. Jenn tells her if there’s no holes or blood it’s just a play bite. New York says they better keep their teeth to themselves or she’s going to bite back. I’d like to see that one. 

Jenn sends her off running again, and she’s running around acting like an idiot. As usual. Then she says the dogs are agitated. Maybe your carrying on is what’s doing it. The Jenn shows her a little trick with a hose and a little wading pool, and New York is having fun again.

Another passing mark for New York.

Time for the last task. Dog Bathing. New York will be bathing Hitchcock another bloodhound with Kandace who looks like she might be a little bitch.

Yes, you.

Kandace tells us that Hitchcock is usually really sweet, so New York shouldn’t have that hard of a time. But I bet usually he’s not subjected to someone whose voice is raised up that many octaves. Dogs have sensitive ears. I think. How else do explain doggie whistles?

First New York has to wet him down, then she has to get the shampoo. She does a half ass job of lathering him up (shocker) but Kandace tells her she’s not done yet. But New York is tired. She thinks it’s hard washing a big dog. Yep. That’s why people pay someone else to do it. 

New York’s just glad they’re not making her clean anything nasty. This comment is immediately followed by Kandace telling her to grab the baby wipes and clean his butt. Priceless! New York wants to know if something is gonna come out if she starts touching him. I guess that depends on how you’re planning on touching him, New York.

New York lifts Hitchcock’s tail and his asshole is black. I could have lived my whole life without ever needing to know that. She doesn’t want to touch it. Can’t say I blame her there. 

Did you ever have that not-so-fresh feeling? 

After she’s done cleaning Hitchcock’s bunghole, Kandace tells New York to grab some conditioner. “Is this leave in conditioner?” The answer is nope. My question is huh? Who cares? You’re just gonna hose him off when you’re done. I think that’s a hell of a lot easier than cleaning out his butt.

So she rinses him off and is complaining about how tired she is. New York tells us she’s going to need a bath after this. Kandace tells New York to grab Hitchcock’s leash and walk him back out into the yard. WTF? Won’t he get all dirty again? While she’s out there she needs to grab Katie, the basset hound. They’ll be bathing her next.

Awwwww, I love basset hounds. They’re so freaking cute. 

Awwwww again. 

Basset hounds may be cute, but they can be stubborn as hell. My sister had one many years ago, and he was adorable but stubborn as an ox. A trainer told my sister that they are one of the hardest dogs to train because they are so headstrong. She may have said they are THE hardest, but I don’t remember.

New York thinks Katie is a sweet little dog. Washing her should be nice and easy. I’m chuckling already. Kandace has New York pick her up (the dog, not Kandace), and New York is whining about how heavy she is (Kandace not the dog. Just kidding) They are heavier than they look because even though they’re tiny, those dogs are very muscular. Which makes it hard to budge them when they’ve decided they don’t want to move. 

Katie’s trying to jump out of the bath and New York says, “She sucks.” Kandace can’t believe New York’s complaining about a simple little bath. I can’t believe that New York hasn’t complained more. She must really be tired. New York turns around for a second to itch her nose and Katie’s trying to jump out of the bath again.

See ya sucka! 

As New York is bathing her Katie is doing the howl/bark combo that basset’s do, and Kandace says that New York’s attitude is the problem. It’s stressing Katie out and causing her to bark. 

Or maybe it’s your bitchiness.

No, I’m used to that.

Now New York is telling Katie she has the worst breath New York has ever smelled. Some how I find that hard to believe. Every time Kandace points out something that New York has missed, New York responds by saying she doesn’t want to do this. Oh shut the fuck up already. I’m so sick of her whining.

When she’s finally done, Kandace tells her to towel dry Katie and then walk her down the ramp. New York snaps. She tells Kandace she is tired and walks off. Leaving Katie in the tub.  

I’m thinking that’s gonna cost ya. 

New York does come back and Kandace is hella pissed. Who knows what could have happened to the dog if New York had walked off without Kandace there? New York doesn’t look like she really cares about that. She’s tiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. New York tells us that she didn’t mean to freak out, but this is hard work. “I mean I literally felt like I was gonna fall down and die.” Biting my tongue. Bad karma bad karma bad karma. Okay.

I’m tired, I’m tiiiired. I’m TIRED DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!! 

Do I look like I give a rat’s ass about how tired you are? 

Whoa. That was a little temper tantrum there. Someone isn’t used to actually having to work. Kandace has NO sympathy. Hell, she washes up to ten dogs a day! FAIL.

Performance review time. As usual, we’ll hear from everyone and then Marcie will decide whether or not New York gets paid. I’m guessing she’ll get two yeses and a no. Before Marcie hears from the staff she wants to know if New York has anything to say. She thanks them all for welcoming her there today. She thought she might come out with bite marks and horror stories, but she had a really good time. “Thanks for having me here at doggie day care.”

Time for the staff comments. Darian, you’re up first. He thinks overall she did a good job cleaning the kennels and he’s really happy with her. He votes yes.

You have nice boobs.

Jenn says when New York first walked into the yard she was pretty frightened. But she listened to everything Jenn said. She votes yes.

You have really nice boobs.

Kandace’s turn. She thinks New York did a really good job bathing Hitchcock. Not so much with Katie. Her vote is no.

And put your boobs away.

It’s all up to Marcie now. What do you wanna bet that she says it’s a tough decision? Marcie thinks New York is a very nice person and it’s obvious she loves animals, but taking care of them is a big responsibility. She’s torn. Told Ya! She talks some more before telling New York she’s going to get paid.

Now let’s see those boobs! 

And off New York goes, giggling with glee. Who knows what next week will bring? I’m still hoping she has to be a clown. Hopefully for some really obnoxious kid’s birthday party. Please make it happen. Whatever job she gets, I’ll be there watching so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

SWAK, PottyMouth