New York Goes To Work: Clowning Around

I’m sure you’ve guessed as much from the title, but I’ll tell ya anyway……this week New York Goes to Work as a clown! Now I know I asked for this last week, but I sort of had second thoughts. I mean, clowns have always creeped me out. Ever since that fucker in the Poltergeist movie.

I may start having nightmares again. 

We begin the episode as usual; with New York driving up in her shiny SUV. Today she’s bitching and moaning about how she never gets the job she wants. Seriously? Be happy you have a job at all. So she wants the matchmaker gig but we all know there’s no way that’s going to happen. And then……..

How many points is it these days for running down a clown? 

Uh oh. New York’s not happy. Hilariously she says she doesn’t want to be a clown and adds, “I’m not that happy. I’m not that cheery. I’m a mean bitch!”

I think that’s what we’re all counting on 

Lord. This clown lady is going to irritate me, I can tell already. First of all, she’s cheerful. And like New York, I am not that happy. Cheerful people aggravate me. Go be cheerful somewhere else. Also? She’s got a voice that’s annoying as fuck. It’s sort of nasally and very chipper, and it makes me want to punch her in the face.

Sorry. I can’t help it.  

For once New York and I are on the same page. She tells us, “This crazy ass clown better get her ass back to Who-Ville.” Oh. Never mind. We’re not on the same page. Clowns don’t live in Who-Ville, New York, Whos do.

Who? 

Exactly. And then, just when you thought it couldn’t get any more annoying……

I lied. I knew it would get more annoying. I’m just praying she has to work a kid’s party and ends up cursing all the kids out. THAT would be awesome. Let’s meet this group of clowns. 

Is ballusionist even a real job? In that case, I’m going to start calling myself a BULLusionist. 

Moxy tells New York that Jack will be teaching her how to juggle and New York tells her that she’s used to juggling two things at once, but not three.

Excuse me while I go barf. Whew! I got a mental picture there for a minute of what to things she could possibly be talking about and………oh…….no…………..blaaaaaarf. Who know this was a weight loss show?

Moxy tells her there may be time for that later (eeeeewwww), but for now she will be training, and then performing at a kid’s party. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh. I might enjoy this after all. In case you’ve found any of this hard to follow, let’s take a look at what New York will be doing today.

Time for New York to get dressed and ready for her clown training. 

Botox-y 

Up first is learning balloons with resident ballusionist, Brian. The first step is putting the balloon on some sort of pump. She should be good at this.

Ahhhhh…….I bet she’s reliving some of those moments with Tailor Made right about now. 

She gets the balloon on the pump successfully and blows it up. What cracks me up is that New York is less like someone who is there to learn right now and more like a little kid at the show. It’s sort of endearing in a weird way. Don’t worry though; I’m sure it won’t last for long.

Brian starts off with something New York is sure to enjoy. A balloon penis! Her balloon pops almost immediately, so Brian, ever the gentleman, gives her his balloon to work with. 

What kid wouldn’t want one of these? 

Ooohhhh, they’re actually making a dog. Brian makes it all seem very easy, but I don’t think I’d be able to do it either. I’m sure I’d be popping balloons left and right. Brian thinks she did well at the task once she got over her initial fear of the balloons. 

On to juggling. Jack the juggler is a giant dork. I’m trying to figure out who he reminds me of, but I haven’t quite placed it. The bad thing is I won’t be able to stop thinking about it until I figure this out. I hate it when that happens.

Aside from “doofus”, I got nothing. 

So Jack has got hankies or scarves for New York to learn to juggle. She goes right back into “kid” mode while he’s demonstrating, ooooing and aaaahhhing over his mad juggling skills. And then it’s New York’s turn to try…..

Yeah, she doesn’t do so well, so he shows her again. She thinks he’s doing something magical with his. “You’re doing it one at a time!!” Yep, Jack tells her that’s how you do it. One at a time. She tries again and doesn’t drop any, so I guess it counts as a success. 

For the next part of her training Botox-y will be working with Moxy and Epoxy. Moxy tells her sometimes clowns work on their own, but they like to have something to interact with, so they got her something. Holy Shit! It’s sock puppet New York!

And then I start to like Moxy a little, annoying voice and all. She starts imitating New York with the sock puppet saying “I’m tired, I’m tired.” and then screaming like a maniac. Moxy lets New York try it, telling her to improvise and have fun. She only has herself to blame for what happens next. New York tells us she’s supposed to use the sock puppet to tell jokes and stuff, but she only knows one joke. 

“Knock Knock” “Who’s there?” “It’s your dick” “Your dick where?” “Your dick in your ass.” 

I don’t get it. Moxy and Epoxy don’t either, and Moxy wants to know where the joke was in that. 

Try looking in your ass 

Apparently it has just now occurred to Moxy that New York may say something inappropriate in front of the little kiddies. Hey! No one said that clowns were smart, people. Moxy decides that now might be a good time to go over The Clown Rules.

Number One: Kids can be cruel. New York helpfully adds, “Bastards. Assholes.” If there’s a difficult child, there’s to be no manhandling or rumbling with the kids. Basically anything New York would normally say in that situation is the wrong thing. She tells us she’s not going to hurt any kids.

“Unless they piss me off, and then it’s on” 

I guess there was just that one rule because Epoxy wants to move and teach New York a couple of quick routines that she can perform for the kids. By “routines” he means the ever-challenging and exciting “change you facial expression as you wave your hand in front of your face” routine. I hope they plan on giving the kids tomatoes to throw. 

I guess telling dirty knock knock jokes is okay when you balance it out with non-mad juggling skills, a gallery of two facial expressions, and balloon penis construction; New York has earned herself a passing mark for the training portion of her day.

Let’s go unleash her on some impressionable children. What I would like to know is what parents allowed their kids to come to this party? I wouldn’t let my kid within ten feet of New York. I mean, I don’t know how far crabs can jump, but I’m assuming ten feet would be a safe distance. Right?

Before we join the party, let’s find out what jobs America has to choose from for next week’s assignment.

I’m betting she gets fast food worker so we can hear all about how gross and greasy everything is. Maybe she’ll even set the place on fire.  

Party time! Moxy’s a little worried. You know how you can tell? Well, aside from the panic in her eyes, she’s also in the van telling New York that their company is about good clean fun. It’s okay to be sassy, but not okay to be nasty. Y’all, I think Moxy may be shitting herself a little bit.

Moxy tells us that Jumbo Shrimp Circus needs to maintain its reputation. Oh Moxy, are you really this naive? You silly, silly, clown. 

They’re starting off by doing some face painting on the kids. And by face painting I mean applying globs of neon paint on the kids’ cheeks. New York calls up a little girl named Candy to get her face painted. Candy wants a puff ball on her cheek. Perfect! Big glob of paint! 

But then, little Candy makes the mistake of telling New York her nose is crooked. 

I told you clowns were creepy. 

Oh Moxy! Moxy, Moxy, Moxy. She wants New York to keep it together. Boy, she is a good clown because I am laughing my ass off at her right now. She says you can’t meet disrespect with disrespect. How ’bout a pop in the head, then?

Oh! Perfect timing for that comment because up next is a little jerk who tells New York if she touches him he will sue her for sexual harassment.

Honey, I don’t think you’ll ever need to worry about getting sexually harassed. EVER. 

Is it against the clown rules for me to break my foot off in his ass?  

New York says to him that she’d like to draw a sun on the left side of his face. He would not appreciate that. Well, what would he like on his face? Nothing. Ok! Thanks a lot.

And with that, New York is tired. Bye New York! Oh wait! Moxy chases after her telling her she can’t give up, she’s so close. So close to what? Landing you in a lawsuit? They can use this episode for evidence! Oh, and New York? Moxy would like you to remember not to manhandle the children. 

Time for balloon animals!! Yay! The first little girl, Rose, would like a dinosaur. New York asks her if the dinosaur can be disabled. Rose doesn’t care. I think New York may be disabled. That is the most pathetic dinosaur I have ever seen. Shit! Even the “pictures” of the loch ness monster look better than this.

When it comes time to pick the next kid, New York says she can’t choose, she’ll cover her eyes and whoever wants to be next can just run up to the chair. Of course three different kids try to get there first. Brian is not happy at all. Oh Brian, lighten up. There was no blood, so it’s not all bad. Well, that’s the last straw on this task. FAIL.

The last task will be the finale/clown show. This has to be one of the lamest clown shows in the history of clown shows. They start with Epoxy lifting New York up on his shoulders and her screeching “Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness”, followed by her mad juggling skills. I think those kids could probably juggle better than she can.

Moxy then has New York stand center stage (well, in the middle of the grassy area they are using) because Epoxy and Jack are going to get her ready for the big finale. New York tells the kids that they didn’t practice this part of the show. In the end, it goes a little something like this.

That’s the end of the show y’all and New York gets a passing mark for the finale. Time for the “performance review”. Moxy starts by telling her how much fun they all had working with her today. Before they get started does New York have anything to say? Of course she does.

She starts off by saying that when she pulled up today she thought Moxy looked like a fruit loop. Then they came here and did the party and New York has decided she is going to get her tubes tied, because she don’t want children. I think we should all thank Moxy and Co for that, if nothing else.

Let’s start the reviews. Brian’s first. He says she’s fun and great to be around BUT interacting with children is not her strongest suit. He votes no. Shocker! Jack’s next and he thinks she did a pretty good job with the juggling today considering that it’s not really the type of thing you can learn how to do in one day. He votes yes. Epoxy says he has to split his vote; working with her as her clown coach was fantastic, but he also needs to look at the day as a business (co) owner and did manhandle kids. So he votes yes and no.

It’s all up to Moxy. She thinks New York is so hysterical and fantastic, she makes a fantastic clown from “tip to tip”. But looks aren’t everything. She manhandled the kids.  Taking everything into consideration, Moxy has decided not to pay New York. As you would expect, New York handles the news with grace and class.

Y’all ain’t giving me my fucking money?!? 

She’s pissed and knocking over tables and yelling, generally overacting the way she’s been told to if she doesn’t get paid. She takes her balloon self and goes. 

I want one of these! But of me! 

And of course she’s yelling at the camera guy to get out of her face, she’s through, it’s a wrap, she’s done. Yeah, I’ve heard that before. As much as I’d like to believe her, you and I know her money grubbing little hands will be back next week. Joy. Rapture. Until then…..

SWAK, PottyMouth