Recap: Newport Harbor: Life is Like, Pink

Excellent. It’s time for our weekly foray into teenage pretension. This week the gang decides to take on a local service project bringing meals to the elderly and forgo shopping for a week in order to donate money to underprivileged children. Yeah right! What they’re really doing is sitting at the beach, doing their nails and getting their shop on. But what fun would it be otherwise? How would we know who to love and hate if they were all making the world a better place? They need as much leisure time as possible to figure out reasons to hate one another. Save a spot for me on the sand in Newport Harbor !

We return to our newest heroine rehashing the Palm Springs excursion with Daddy. Daddy wants to know if Chrissy had a good time. Well, you should know, Daddy, you talked to her on the phone every 7 minutes, so why don’t you tell us whether or not Chrissy had a good time. Of course the subject of the Grand Embarrassment comes up and Daddy says that he was concerned about Clay being in Chrissy’s hotel room because appearances are important. To this Chrissy responds that her dad shouldn’t be one of those people who is all about appearances. Uh, Chrissy, I don’t think he means that you should start getting your hair highlighted every two weeks instead of every three – those aren’t the appearances he is talking about. He means that having teenage boys romping in and out of your daughter’s hotel room creates the appearance of impropriety, and he is absolutely right. I’m not saying it wasn’t humiliating, I’m just saying he has a point. These shows are nothing if not improper – keep in mind the other kids were having a coed sleepover in the villa. Daddy caves and says that he and Mommy trust Chrissy and they’re sorry they embarrassed her. Thanks for doing that one for the camera, Daddy. Then Daddy asks Chrissy if she and Clay have kissed yet. Okay, when I was in high school my dad would have rather had his toenails pulled off than talk to me about kissing a boy – in fact, I think that is still the case today. Maybe it’s a coastal situation, I don’t know, but my dad has never been one of my girlfriends – icky. Chrissy apparently does consider her Daddy a girlfriend because she gigglingly tells him they almost kissed, but then Daddy interrupted. AND because it was so uncalled-for, he should call Clay and apologize. Can you imagine? Daddy’s like, “No.”

“Daddy can I borrow a tampon?”

This episode is called “Pretty in Pink” for reasons we will soon discover.

Clay and Mayor Grant head to the beach so they can assess the situation for us. Clay tells the Mayor that Allie dropped by his house last night to chill and Grant wants to know what about Chrissy? Clay’s kind of weirded out by the whole parental involvement issue – you don’t see his parents butting into his life and taking an interest, so why should he have to put up with some girl’s nosey Daddy? Mayor Grant says that Clay has to be cool with the parents and if this becomes a serious relationship, he’s sure the parents will start minding their own business.

“Trust me, dude. I’m the mayor.”

How do you figure that, Grant? I’m guessing Clay would have to get a GPS implant of his own, not gain more freedom. Anyway, they decide that Chrissy is still Clay’s main target and he can talk to her about it at Allie’s party. What’s that you say? Allie’s having a party?

Oh yes. Allie is having a party! This is exactly like Laguna Beach Season 1 where LC and pals threw their “Black and White Affair” and invited themselves. This party even has a color theme too – Pretty in Pink! Bestie Samantha is on Allie’s porch with her to plan the party and I have to take a minute to announce Samantha’s new name: Fatty McFatterson. Now, this isn’t because I actually believe Samantha is fat. I just think that she – like any other human – looks fat next to Allie. And so do the producers or she’d be in the opening credits, admit it. Also, her behavior coming up on this episode isn’t very nice, so she earned it. Plus she has a big fat baby voice. And finally that’s what my girlfriends call her.

You know you love it.

Anyway, Fatty says, “Pretty in Pink, just like the movie!” And get ready people… Allie doesn’t know that Pretty in Pink is a movie. Excuse me? And she calls herself a red-blooded American girl? I don’t care how old you are, who hasn’t repeatedly watched Molly Ringwald concoct a potato sack prom dress out of pink drapery? Get out of Fashion Island and in front of the DVD player pronto, Allie. Seriously, that’s just wrong.

Anything?

Fatty sort of tries to explain that it’s a movie, then gives up and moves on to the issue of the invitations. They settle on “You are cordially invited…” Wow, that’s exactly the phrase they use on My Super Sweet Sixteen, how did Allie and Fatty ever come up with it? And now who will they invite? First off, of course, they will invite Mayor Grant and Clay. Speaking of whom, how was “hanging out” with Clay the other night, Allie? Allie totally downplays it, saying it wasn’t like a date, she just stopped by to say hi. Which I interpret to mean that Clay didn’t jump on her, so there was nothing to film, and therefore, nothing to talk about, and not because Allie only meant to stop by and say hi. The next huge dilemma is whether or not to invite Chase. Allie is totally annoyed with how Chase acted in Palm Springs , but Fatty says he has to come because he’s like their best friend. Allie isn’t sure because he messes with her head and he’s the one guy she can’t resist. Fatty tells Allie that this is because she (Allie) has a crush on Chase, but not to worry, she (Fatty) will talk to him and sort everything out. Allie says Chase can come, but not his girlfriend Taylor – that’s where she draws the line.

And speaking of this mysterious Taylor , we finally get to meet her having a super duper fun-filled afternoon watching Chase surf. Chase joins her on the sand to tell her that this weekend he is off to Allie’s amazing party and Taylor is not allowed to come. He seriously tells her that, then starts pre-making fun of her in case she decides to have an issue with it. Poor Taylor just giggles nervously and tells Chase to behave. Way to put your foot down, Taylor .

“But you still like me, right?”

Jumping forward in time who knows how long, it is now the day before Pretty in Pink – the party, not the movie – and Allie and Fatty are getting their nails done and deciding that they should also get their hair and makeup done. I wonder if their heads ever start hurting from thinking so much. Luckily they get a break from pondering over these weighty matters when Chase calls Allie’s cell phone. He wants her to come miniature golfing with him, but Allie doesn’t think that’s such a good idea. Fatty is in the corner frantically making the throat-cutting signal, but Allie chooses idiocy and agrees to meet up with Chase anyway. Then she looks at Fatty and says, “What, girlfriend?”

Meanwhile, Chrissy and her entourage, Sasha and Courtney (ooh, a brunette!), stop by the Bluth Banana Stand for some frozen Balboa Island treats. True to Laguna Beach form, they sit around and discuss the upcoming party. So like, Chrissy doesn’t know if she’s going to hook up with Clay or what, but she totally hopes Allie doesn’t get in the way because – OMG! A pigeon just flew by! Ew, gross, like totally freak me out, a pigeon! At the beach! Aaaaaaaah! It’s a bird girls, calm down. I would have thought a grizzly bear ran up behind them.

The perils of nature in Newport Harbor.

When they finally regain their composure after the Pigeon Scare, Chrissy announces that the girls will have to help her choose what to wear. Oh, lucky Sasha and Courtney. Never mind what you want to wear. Your afternoon will be spent carefully selecting an outfit for Chrissy, and you’ll like it.

Over to the miniature golf course, where Allie is arriving against everybody’s better judgment to meet up with Chase, the Irresistible One. She’s in her bikini and a little sundress. I always wear my bathing suit miniature golfing. It helps with my swing. So Allie tells Chase that she feels way uncomfortable miniature golfing and they have to go and have a talk instead. Then she keeps saying, “Please don’t be mad at me, please don’t be mad at me.” Geez Allie, he probably wouldn’t have thought he was allowed to be mad at you until you said that. They have a little sit-down and Allie says that Chase is only trying to rekindle things because he’s back with Taylor and the same thing happened a year ago. It turns out that a year ago Chase actually broke up with Taylor to be with Allie, but Allie found some other boyfriend instead – and she is a little too proud of that fact. Okay, first of all, Chase needs to chill out and go surfing with the boys. He has his entire 20′s ahead of him to act like a total jackass leading girls on. Secondly, what is Taylor doing taking him back? She’s just a sophomore and I don’t get the feeling she’s what you might call “firm.” Or self-confident. I do have to hand it to Allie in this scene for taking a stand and not letting Chase jerk her around – which is exactly what will draw him to her, I’m sure.

“Are we done? I have to lay out.”

Later we join Allie and Fatty in Allie’s SUV on their way to what I can only assume is some sort of grooming ritual in preparation for the big bash. They talk about how people better show up because they put a lot of thought into this. You know, they had to request pink paper from the printers for the invitations, ask the venue to make sure everything is pink and then shop, shop, and shop for pink dresses. People just don’t realize. They think it’s lame that certain people might not show up just because certain other people might be there – that ruins a great party, and what is funner than a great party? Wait, “funner” or “more fun?” Ah, a grammar debate. Allie is on Team More Fun, but Fatty is pretty sure that “they” made “funner” a word now. Allie goes, “I don’t know, but they made ‘bootylicious’ a word, so…” and Fatty goes, “That’s what they made, yeah. Bootylicious.” Yeah, I often say “funner” when what I mean is “bootylicious.” It’s an easy mistake, Fatty. Like in the mall the other day, I was trying on this hot pink mini dress, and I asked my bestie if she thought it made me look funner. My bestie goes, “Don’t you mean bootylicious?” I’m like, “Oh YES – that’s what I meant. Thanks girlfriend!” Then we high-fived. Anyway, Allie and Fatty continue deconstructing the annals of the universe, even mentioning Beyoncé’s E! True Hollywood Story, and conclude by deciding that it’s going to be a hot party.

Well it looks like Chrissy’s entourage bailed on helping her pick out what to wear because she is in her room asking Mommy for an opinion. Mommy observes that it is really nice of Allie’s parents to throw this party for the kids and that makes me chuckle because Allie’s parents probably don’t know anything about the party, and that’s the way they like it. Just take the Gold American Express and tell us when you graduate honey. Kiss, kiss! So Chrissy has purchased several pink dresses and Mommy is partial to a strapless one that actually is pretty cute, but that my mom would have never let me leave the house in when I was a child. At least not before making a matching jacket and stitching it directly to my skin. I think this is Mommy’s attempt at trying to be cool again after Palm Springs because she is highly animated and keeps talking about how fun the party sounds and that Clay is just so cute. He’ll really like the tiny pink dress. See? I’m a cool mom, too, right? Right?

And speaking of Clay, he and Mayor Grant are standing around in their underwear trying to pick out pink outfits of their own. This scene could be so misinterpreted if taken out of context. Meanwhile the theme music from Pretty in Pink starts playing, how clever – not that Allie would know. By the way – the boys have to wear pink too? That’s pretty funny. It’s also pretty funny that they go right along. Ah, the pink sheep of Newport Harbor . At least the boys didn’t go shopping for weeks straight to find the perfect pink… or maybe they did, what do I know? Over at Chase’s house, the Womanizer himself is trying to steam the wrinkles out of a fabulous pink shirt when we meet his mother. She actually clears up a lot of questions about Chase just by coming onto the screen.

‘Nuff said.

At last it is time for Pretty in Pink in its full incarnation. Ah hah! Here we learn that Allie’s family actually owns the party venue, a restaurant called Sejour. That’s convenient – this way they can “sponsor” the party in absentia. I mean, it’s their restaurant, right? So they’re responsible parents. Fatty has taken the theme a tad too literally by choosing a straight up pink potato sack dress made from what looks like bed sheets from a brothel. On second thought, what this looks like is a hot pink choir robe that has been cut off at the knees. Seriously. Chase enters in all his steamed pink glory and begins stalking the scene looking for prey. First he grabs Sasha and hugs her, then Chrissy presents herself and drapes all over him, telling him his pink shirt looks really good. Chase goes, “Where’s uh, Clay?” and Chrissy goes, “Where’s uh,Tay ?” ZING! Here we are admitting that we both like other people, but it’s so fun to hang all over each other to make everyone jealous! Speaking of which, Allie is just a few feet away giving this scene the evil eye. Wait! Everyone step back for a second because Spencer (oops I mean Mayor Grant) and Clay are making their much-anticipated entrance – and they’re not wearing pink. In your face, Allie!

Wow, someone’s way too cool for this.

Chrissy runs up to Clay and they embrace like he’s returning from war, then argue over whether or not his shirt is actually pink, then decide to dance. Oh brother, Chase is telling everyone who will listen that he has to pace himself. Give it a rest, tiger.

Okay, I’m changing my mind from implanted GPS chip to invisible camera with a constant live feed straight to Daddy because the minute Chrissy’s strapless dress starts to slip down exposing her black bra, guess who calls. That’s right! At least this time she goes outside to take the call, but I think that’s only because of all the noise in the party. She commences begging Daddy for permission to stay out later tonight.

Fatty has planted herself next to Clay on a couch and she’s challenging him to not have Taylor in his life five months from now. For that matter, no Allie either. Chase is swearing up and down that he’s finished with both girls, and then we cut over to Clay sitting on a different couch with some dude named Austin and he’s complaining that he only got to dance with Chrissy for five seconds before Daddy ruined everything again. They look outside at Chrissy who is still pleading on her cell phone. Austin tells Clay that the best thing to do in this situation is to let Chrissy see him dancing with another girl. Clay loves this idea. Okay, I get that Clay is bummed because Chrissy’s Daddy is over-the-top irritating, but will it really help to hurt her feelings like that? It’s not going to change Daddy’s behavior, it will just make Chrissy feel bad. Well, whatever, I guess this is his only way to strike out in his impotence.

Back to Fatty who throws herself onto Chase as he says, “I thought we were going to hook up.” Fatty has definitely knocked a few back because she can barely slur out her response, “I thought we were toooooooo, baaaaaaby.” Thanks for the alcohol, Allie’s parents! She goes, “I love you… I loooooove yooooooou,” and Allie is still standing by looking disgusted. Some best friend you are, Fatty.

Big fat seduction

“So… he’ll make out with anyone?”

As promised, Clay is dancing very suggestively with some dark haired girl and upon seeing this Chrissy retreats into a corner behind a little divider screen. She kind of loses it, trying to pace around in her one foot by one foot square area of space hyperventilating and she finally just sits down as we go to commercial.

“Gotta breathe. Stay calm. Fix my hair.”

The next morning Allie and Fatty awaken together (in full makeup) in some huge magnificent bed and begin to discuss last nights events. It’s so weird that after all the planning and excitement the party is over. Fatty goes, “Now it’s just dunzo.” Give it up, Fatty, you’ll never be Kristin Cavallari. Whatevs, everyone looked super cute last night. Especially Sasha, who has been wearing really cute dresses lately. But OMG, did you see what Courtney was wearing? All she ever wears is Diane von Furstenberg – every time. Fatty says it’s because they’re her sister’s dresses and Allie guffaws like that is just the most embarrassing thing ever. Yeah, I’d never get over it if I had to borrow my sister’s $385 dresses to wear to neighborhood get-togethers. I would absolutely die. Um, hello? Chopsticks anyone? I actually did look this up and Diane von Furstenberg dresses are insultingly expensive. They even had an alarmingly familiar mini choir robe on the website, Fatty. I guess that having two sisters share a nearly four hundred dollar dress is the Newport Harbor equivalent of living in a dumpster. Poor Courtney. And I do mean poor. In other news, Clay looked hot last night, but what was Chase’s deal? Fatty goes, “Chase was being really weird to me,” and Allie’s like, “Yeah I know. You kissed him in front of me.” Oooohhhhhh, silence.

“Uh, you saw that?”

Fatty’s like, “Well I wasn’t doing anything. It came out of nowhere, I was just standing there.” Oh Fatty, Fatty. It’s on FILM! We know what you did! Surprisingly, Allie totally lets her off the hook, saying she knows it was 100% Chase. What happened to always blaming the girls? Do sidekicks get a free pass? Would Allie just have no friends if she were to cast Fatty out? Plus on the previews for this episode it made it look like Allie is calling Fatty a pig over the kiss, but it turns out she is referring to Chase. Lame! I really don’t like Fatty. I’m not sure which way I’m leaning for Allie yet, but Fatty has sealed her fate. She’s an evil drunk and a boy hog. And it’s like she doesn’t even realize that she is totally sloppy seconds. Ugh. Allie says that Chase is trying to make her jealous, but it just makes her hate him. Why, because you’re… jealous? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Fatty decides that now would be a good time to call Chase. Whaaaa? It goes straight to voicemail and Allie grabs the phone and says, “I. Hate. You.” And hangs up. Fatty laughs because that’s the funniest thing since Courtney wearing her sister’s dress and then she makes sure one more time that Allie doesn’t blame her for the kiss. Allie starts screaming that she’s not jealous. “IT DOESN’T MAKE ME JEALOUS! I’M NOT JEALOUS! I DON’T CARE!” Very convincing, Allie. No really.

The culprit himself is at the beach right now smooching on his woman Taylor and telling her he was on his best behavior last night. What a gem. For our final scene we join Chrissy Рlooking very Ashley Olsen in pigtails Рand Sasha of the cute dresses nursing their hangovers with ginormous cappuccinos at Haute Cakes Caf̩.

“Yeah, Mary Kate didn’t want breakfast.”

They are here, of course, to evaluate the party for us, both saying that they had so much fun dancing the night away. Apparently Chrissy danced the entire night except for her little seizure in the corner after Clay blew her off. She starts to complain that Clay is totally hard to read because he is so hot and cold and she’s just confused. Sasha says that she thinks it has nothing to do with Chrissy, it’s just that it’s hard to figure out what’s going on in Clay’s head. Oh girls, you still think something is going on in his head? I’m telling you – there’s nothing going on in there. He’s not home at night spending hours of pensive introspection deciphering his next step with Chrissy, trust me. He wants to hook up and he’s annoyed and terrified by Daddy – the end. The girls conclude that Chrissy should give Clay a little rest. Good call, and Chase is always around to put on a show with. Meanwhile Clay is at the beach playing fetch with his dog and definitely not psychoanalyzing Pretty in Pink.

Oh my, it looks like next week Chrissy and Chase have an actual amorous encounter and there are several people who are not happy about it, including Clay and Fatty.

So what do you think now that we are two episodes in? Starting to take sides? So far, I’m really only anti-Fatty. Allie could still go either way for me. I love reading your comments, so do drop me a line!

Thanks for reading!

-Honey Gangsta