New Shows, New Concepts, Newport Harbor

by Honey Gangsta

Whoa! Didn’t mean to sneak up on you there, kids.

Thank goodness MTV has come to their senses and thought up a completely new and original idea for a high school reali-drama. They’ve moved the Laguna Beach crew 11 miles up shore to Newport Harbor! Gone are the days of suntanned hard bodies frolicking nearly naked to parties galore. Gone are the episodes full of condoned underage drinking and obscene money spending. That stuff was so not how high school was, so I’m glad we’re getting some more realistic children to follow. Uh huh. Like I said, Newport is 11 miles away from Laguna so clearly the kids in Newport were so remote that they weren’t aware of the buzz and fame the original Laguna kids produced and have no idea what possibilities lie in store for them. I’m sure they’ll go unsuspectingly about their privileged little lives and we’ll just be like flies on the proverbial wall, catching an innocent and earnest slice of real teenage life. It will be just like going back to high school – without the snow.

From watching the preview, the biggest difference I can see so far is that these kids have more of an affinity towards boats than surfboards. Other than that – you got me. Let’s meet some of these brats, shall we?

Chrissy – Now brace yourself: Chrissy likes to have fun! She really likes her friends and all different kinds of music. She doesn’t have a job and she’d really like a boyfriend – specifically her neighbor Clay. Oh, she’s also pretty and very smart. Smart enough to have her pick of three colleges – all online. What’s a girl to do?

Clay – Clay grew up in Newport and he’s aware of just how lucky that makes him, compared to like, where he could have grown up and stuff. There’s a lot of parties and fun stuff and um… like relationships going on. He is BFF’s with Grant and hopes to someday have a job and be living life. He’s also super hot. Look out for this fireball, ladies!

Allie – How lame, Allie grew up in Arizona until she was eight, ew. Then she lived in Laguna Beach for a while, but was too young for the show there, so she moved up to Newport with the camera crew. This summer Allie has huge plans to… lay out. She can’t wait to spend every waking moment in her bikini. Her BFF is Samantha, and all the people at her school are amazing and hot. Oh, and on the preview she threatens to disown her parents if they don’t pay for her to go to Europe. Allie, my advice is do it. Emancipate. I’m sure you can sustain your lavish lifestyle independently.

Grant – While watching the preview I kept wondering why Spencer from The Hills was so desperate to stay on camera that he crashed the high school show. This is actually Grant. He wears sunglasses from Rite Aid that are meant for small girls. He’s only a junior, but has played sports his whole life on his neighborhood’s private beach. He’s traveled a lot, like to Hawaii or whatever, but Newport is his fave. He and BFF Clay may have to battle it out for a Mensa membership. Can’t wait to hear his pearls of wisdom.

Chase – Chase is kind of being described as the troublemaker of the crew. He competes with Clay for girls and, knowing that Allie has a crush on him, plays her against his current sophomore girlfriend, Taylor. He gives a riveting description of “skim boarding” that causes me to doze off and talks about his grand ambitions to hang out. He may want to live in a city eventually since all he knows is the beach, but he knows he’ll end up back in Newport. This one’s a dynamo.

Taylor – The sophomore of the bunch, Taylor is totally torn because so many guys like her. She just wishes her darn boyfriend Chase would stop flirting with everyone. She says that surfing is a sport just for guys, but she likes to dance and hang out. She’s not sure what time she wakes up in the morning, but she loves to go shopping. She’s also not sure what two plus two equals, but if she can remember to, she’ll look it up later in her English book.

Sasha – Meet Chrissy’s BFF. Apparently Sasha is just a sidekick because she didn’t get an introductory video of her own – just a brief description saying she plays on the tennis team with Chrissy and tries to advise her on getting closer to Clay. Here’s hoping she’ll be our next Conversation Driver.

Stay tuned for fun-filled recaps of these kids and their amazing adventures in the backyard pool or all the way down at the beach. I wonder whose “team” I’ll be on this season…

Wow, their lives look super fun!