Dr. Faith’s Blue Lagoon of Madness

Here we are. Remember after the season premiere of Nip/Tuck how angry I was about Christian giving it to his therapist, Dr. Faith, in a painful doggy style banging. Why would an educated, successful, beautiful, professional PSYCHATRIST take it from behind from this slimeball? Well, after weeks of not hearing from the moronic Dr. Faith, she’s back this week, with an explaination of her inexplicable behavior. And while I give the writers a big yippey-ka-yah for not dropping the plot point entirely, their explaination is very… ehh. But don’t worry for those of you watching/drinking along, there’s plenty else to concern yourself with. First sign of a great episode, no Hello Kitty Jackson. Second, it starts with Christian gay dream sequence. Rev up your engine’s and get out your flasks. It’s going to be a messy ride. Oy. Get out your flask. Christian and Sean in robes (DRINK), walking around in Speedos (DRINK) at a spa filled with Manazons (DRINK). Ohhhhh, it’s a dream. I hope it’s a dream. Please let this be a dream. Sean is complaining on their chez-lounges about this lifestyle not being for him. To make it easier for anyone playing along on the Is he or Isn’t He drinking game how about we just all drink until the opening credits? Christian explains to Sean that it’s not the man-on-man action that’s got him down it’s his gross, hairy chest.

This somehow leads to Christian trying to talk Sean out of a literal closet, as they are being followed by the aforementioned beefed up greased down Manazons. The whole dream sequence thing is confirmed as Sean’s chest waxing turns ugly and the new Ace and Gary end up in the surgical room with Sean on the operating table as Kimber and Michelle stand by. Sean is flat lining and the only thing that will save him is CPR from Christian. Wouldn’t’ getting kissed by Christian actually lead to more problems? Like Herpes? Just as Christian is about to give Sean the “kiss of life” he wakes up in a panic. But wait! Who is that in the bed next to him? It’s Sean!?!?! The two are about to totally tongue each other down, but then Christian wakes up again. Ahh. The old dream within a dream trick. Clever.

At Sean’s house with Julia (where he is currently not gay), the newly remarried couple is discussing their 2nd honeymoon, which will consists of some time away from their lobster baby, Sebastian, Demon Seed daughter Annie and Hello Kitty/Michael Jackson Hybrid/Scientologist son, Matt. However, Julia is questioning whether they are good parents or not for leaving Sebastian so soon after he was hatched. Umm, Julia, please reread the previous paragraph. Leaving your lobster baby home in his tank is the thing that LEAST makes you a bad parent. Regardless, Sean is completely confident in Peter Dinklage’s Manny abilities. That is until he comes down with a bad case of what my friend Michelle calls the one-twos. That’s right, the Manny has the doodies!

At the office, Lez is back with only one kidney, but still the same amount of spunk. Hopefully, she’ll end up just like the last one-kidneyed wonder in my life, Shelby – DEAD with Sally Field crying at her grave about her hair looking like a Brown Football helmet (and yes, that is the MANLIEST Steel Magnolias reference you are going to ever hear).

Christian is pleased to see Lez (is anyone ever pleased to SEE Lez – gross), but not pleased about Sean’s fagtastic choice in music for the surgery. That’s right, it’s Macho Men by The Village People. It’s a little obvious – I mean what’s next Barbra Streisand records? A little cliché, no? – but its funny watching Christian squirm. CHRISTIAN PERFERS YMCA – DRINK!

Sean doesn’t much care which iconic gay band Christian likes or dislikes, what Sean wants to know is how Christian could be so stupid as to bed their bosses wife. It seems Sean pulled his head out of his own ass long enough to notice that Christian is laying the pipe down for Michelle. Christian doesn’t appreciate being called out on his affairs in the OR so he takes this opportunity to lay Sean’s shit bare about banging the Night Nurse. They start getting into a fight that culminates with Christian screaming: “But Daddy I love him!” Sorry, I just bought the new Little Mermaid DVD for my little cousin – what Christian really says is that he has strong feelings for Michelle. Lez advises them to both shut up as Landau, the man who is both married to Michelle and owns Christian and Sean,has just walked up to the OR.

Luckily, since Landau is played by Larry Hagman and thus older than dirt, he doesn’t overhear Christian’s professions of love towards his wife. Landau has a new problem, one that is similar to the one that Kevin Federline has and that I endured from 7th – 10th grade – an erection that won’t go away. It seems that Landau purchased one of those penis pumps that seem so important in your Junk E-mail folder. Problem is he got over pumped and now can’t get the device off his hog. Old man hog has got to be the grossest. Christian, presumably familiar with this particular predicament, gives him some ice to dull the erection and the pump pops right off. The erection, on the other hand, just won’t die, so he heads down the hall to Michelle’s office, and lets her take care of it, much to the chagrin of Christian.

Christian’s got more surprises in store when he gets to his office and his ex-shrink/doggy-style victim Dr. Faith is waiting in his office. I love Brooke Shields, but I just find it very unfortunate that this role sucks so badly. For example, she’s not only Christian’s shrink; she’s also a recovering sex addict. Sure, that explains why she would take it from behind from the loathsome Christian, but, YAWN. Regardless, she didn’t like Christian’s sex, but she did like the fact that he made her realize she had hit bottom. Actually, it was Christian who hit HER bottom! GET IT!?!!?! Bottom!?!?! Like butt! I’m so clever. It seems that she was so disgusted by Christian that she is finally ready to get the “Property of Marco” tattoo removed from her ass. That wasn’t a joke; by the way, she literally has a “Property of Marco” tattoo on her ass. Who is Marco, you ask? He was her ex-boyfriend, who apparently ran out of tape in his label maker.

Sean gets home and boy does he have an unpleasant surprise waiting for him. No, it’s not one of his children or his wife, its Monica, the increasingly unstable Night Nurse Sean bedded for absolutely no reason a few weeks ago. What is this Tracy Gold doppelganger doing there? It seems that Marlow the Manny’s case of the one-twos turned out to be a stomach virus. He’s out of commission for the next few weeks. Julia called Monica to see if she could refer anyone, and Monica referred herself. She’s happy to fill-in. Or happy to get filled-up, if you know what I mean. Julia leaves the room for a moment, and Sean goes batty. Monica tells him not to worry, she only wants to help and she will act completely professional.

At the office, Christian is removing Dr. Faith’s branding from her ass, while having a pseudo-therapy session. Dr. Faith asks Christian if he’s told Sean about his feelings for him. Christian denies the feelings. Denial is so gay: DRINK. He does admit to having the dream about Sean and him being in the closet and all that. He also mentions how there was a woman in the dream that he was intimate with. Dr. Faith, in a classic misunderstanding, thinks that this woman is her, and tells Christian that he is projecting his feelings for this woman through a dream about Sean. Or, he’s gay.

Back in his office, Christian is ready to head to a consultation when Michelle comes in for a nooner. It seems she cancelled his appointment asking the client to come later so she could come now. Classy. Christian turns her down, citing the stench of old man spunk all over her. But no, Landau couldn’t keep it up, so she is old man spunk free! Christian doesn’t care. He has realized that Michelle is never going to leave her husband and he’s sick of these games. Peace out SlutChelle!

Sean decides that the only way to nip this whole Monica thing in the bud is to go over to her apartment and bribe her. As far as Sean plans go, this is better than buying his disgruntled son a Porsche, I suppose. Monica is in the midst of piercing her belly button when Sean arrives, and he gives her a hand. He offers her the money to get out of town, but Monica says thanks, but no thanks. Being a creepy stalker is way more fun.

Dr. Faith is pleased with her tattoo removal – Goodbye Marco! – but a little disappointed that Christian wasn’t talking about her when he described his dream. She seems to handle it like a mature, rational adult, but since this is Nip/Tuck you can be sure that won’t last for long.

Sean pops back home, and finds Julia out at Pilates and Monica breast feeding his son. It’s quite disturbing, but Monica has clearly lost it. Sean kicks her out, but not before Monica makes all the threats a scorned other woman can possibly make.

In the bathroom of McNamara/Troy, Christian is taking a tinkle and Sean mosies right up to the next urinal. Awkward. If it was Christian, you’d be drinking right now. Christian tells Sean that he has broken things off with Michelle, but Sean is more concerned about the fact that the hand that rocks the cradle is the fist that rules the world. When Christian leaves Manny Ruiz from General Hospital, who is the manifestation of Sean’s evil side (he’s the drug lord from Season 1 that Christian & Sean screwed over with the FBI), shows up. Manny tells Sean that the only way to solve this particular problem with Monica is to kill her.

Christian has been summoned to Burt & Michelle’s for a chat. What could this be about? In a scene straight out of the uber-classic Clue, he hands them both gifts. No it’s not a pipe or a candlestick, but rather some silky new threads. That’s right! Burt has figured it all out! It was Christian & Michelle, in the office, with the penis and the vagina! Burt isn’t upset though, he’s got a plan. He can’t provide Michelle with what she needs sexually, so he wants Christian to continue doing so. Only catch: He wants a front row seat. Naughty. Christian and Michelle both scoff at this, but Landau is holding all the cards. He owns the practice and he basically owns Michelle. They’ll be his Terra Patrick and Dale Dabone or else!

The twist (one too many if you ask me), is that crazy Dr. Faith is the one pulling all of the strings here. She duped Burt into thinking that she was a therapist on retainer with McNamara/Troy, and convinced him to make the second Indecent Proposal on this show in as many weeks. Burt isn’t actually as pleased about the whole arrangement as he made it seem, but he’s so desperate not to lose Michelle that he’s susceptible to being tricked into Dr. Faith’s Blue Lagoon of madness

In other crazy news, Monica has gone over to Sean’s office to let him know that her nipple is infected from Sebastian’s gnawing on it. Well, do you know all the different kinds of bacteria that live under the sea? You did this to yourself crazy face. She starts babbling on and on about life when she and Sean are married and Sean is wrestling against Manny over whether or not he should kill Monica on the operating table. Sean comes to his senses (I guess…) and tells her to leave. Monica doesn’t take this well and starts screaming rape and telling him that she’s going straight to the Police and Julia, in that order. This fight continues all the way outside, where Monica is standing in the middle of the street screaming, until the bus driver from Mean Girls plows her down. That’s right, Monica died via getting hit by a bus. Sean is totally off the hook! Hooray!

At Burt’s Den of Sin, the show is starting, and Burt is putting on a good show that he’s actually enjoying this. Michelle, however, is not, as cutting out people’s kidneys, is apparently much easier than having sex with your lover in front of your husband. I’m not judging, I’m just saying…

Sean, of course, lies to Julia about Monica, letting her think that she just flaked out on them. I don’t understand why, because isn’t Julia going to find out that she was flattened by public transportation. Even in Miami, that’s got to be local news. In much less interesting news, Sean, can now see dead people, as both Monica and Manny are sitting at the table with Sean.

“Pass the butter please.”

The money shot of the episode is Dr. Faith back at the tattoo artist. What do you think her new tat said? That’s right: “Property of Christian Troy.”

So this new turn with Dr. Faith, really leaves me very ehhh… I’m glad the Monica thing is taken care of, but really, how many psychos can one show juggle? Not as good as last week, but still on an upswing, YTD from last year…