Recap: Nip/Tuck: Little People, Big Nookie

As was teased on TVgasm earlier, this week’s episode of Nip/Tuck had something you don’t see very much outside of the specialty section of your local porn shop: Midget sex. Okay, okay, not full-on hardcore midget-to-midget sex, but rather the seduction of our favorite unstable heroine, Julia, by Manny Marlow, who I think is more of a “little person” than a midget. Regardless, while even the suggestion of little people sex, is surely enough to get this series back on track, and I’m quite upset to inform all of you, or those of you who care, that the Christian gay undertones of earlier in the season have all but vanished. Oh how I miss the days of yore, where Christian would shower with AC Slater and I can down a six-pack to dull the pain of the obvious subtext Nip/Tuck was trying to throw at us. However, I’m hopeful that one day, and one day soon, Christian will be back to his Is He or Isn’t He Glory, especially since with this show’s penchant for abandoning storylines only to have them pop up later (What up Brooke Shields!). So far now we have to settle for the midget sex, and ack, a heaping dose of Lez. On second thought maybe I’ll bring out my six-pack to dull the pain anyway…Well, well, well. How the mighty have fallen. It seems that Lez, always the ugly duckling, never the swan, has joined the ranks of the superficial, as she is on the receiving end of a “Tell me what you don’t like about yourself,” consult. It seems that the lesbian dating scene has gotten much more competitive since the Martina Navratilova days. Now when even Marissa Cooper is dipping her tongue in the Sapphic pool, it’s a lot harder for a “dyke” to snag a “lesbian.” Lez even has a new lady friend, who is younger and hotter, so Lez decided it was time for a little Lypo. Christian is eating all of this up, cause you know he and Lez have an “antagonist” relationship. Sean is a little more concerned about the sudden about face in Lez’s moral ground. He’s also concerned that she really injured herself when falling off her high horse. ZING! Honestly, congratulations Lez. yYou might have been a moralizing, nattering speakerbox, but at least you didn’t succumb to the pressures to live up to the unfair standards of beauty, espacially for women, in society. It wasn’t much, and I didn’t like the way you went about expressing your opinion, but at least I could respect you. Whoops! There goes that! The guys tell Lez that although she’s ugly as sin, that perhaps she shouldn’t undertake another surgery so closely after her kidney replacement. Lez is outraged. She starts making all these threats about quitting Mac/Troy and going to another surgeon who will do her entire surgery for free and has offered her a job. And then Lez can fulfill her deep dark desire to appear on the revival of The Swan (was that show the lowest point in human history? Just a thought…). So Lez you mean to tell me that after all Sean and Christian have done for you, with the dialysis and the caretaking, etc. etc. etc. you’d be willing to leave their employ because they are looking out for your best interest and health by saying no to your surgery? Reason number 9,302,198,301,928 why I hate Lez. The boys obviously cave.

In some seedy remote area our favorite former Miss Goodthighs turned psychopathic Pimp/organ harvester (put that on your business card, Patrick Bateman) James, runs into a couple of her old friends who are looking for their kidney payment for the month. Oh my God! Are those the Cho brothers!??!? No, it’s not, it’s two other Asian mobsters, but how cool would it have been if Phil’s next detour was for the racers to head over to Mac/Troy? A B-Side/Umnata crossover recap!?!?! Glorious! Anyway, two Asian mobsters (my fav kind!) douse James with some gasoline and threaten to light her up. And not in a good way. She has 24 hours to get them a kidney or they’ll be harvesting her organs. Permanently. Hmm, this is a nice little twist…

Christian decides to phone up James and request another sample from her hooker stable. He misses Michelle terribly, but won’t admit it. He enjoyed Michelle’s, err, talents, and now wants to forget all about her. Or as he so delicately puts it “give his dick amnesia.”

At Sean’s we see the next evolution in Claw rubber bands, as Sebastian is wearing a mitt over her claw post-surgery. It seems that crustacean healing is slightly faster than a human’s, so Sean is considering moving up Sebastian’s second de-clawectomy.

Sean also notes that Sebastian may be fussy because he misses the nipple. He knows he certainly does. That’s an awkward segue into sex even when it’s coming from a husband to a wife. Then, of course, the vision of Sean literally chomping at the bit flashes into my mind and it is wildly unpleasant. I can only hope that I caused the same mental hemorrhage in all of you. Luckily, Marlow then walks in, signing in for his Night Nurse duties. He asks about Sebastian, condescendingly calling him “the little guy.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you like it when people call YOU the little guy? People who live in tiny glass houses should not throw pebbles, my friend.

Sean then offers Marlow the night off, perhaps to find a new name that isn’t so damn pretentious, and also tells Julia to go out for the night, since he got home early and can watch Sebastian himself. Marlow mentions that he is going to check out some artsy fartsy movie. And wouldn’t you know it, Julia LOOOOOOVES that movie as well! What a surpreese. Sean all but seals the deal by telling Julia and Marlow they should check it out.

On line at the movie theatre Julia is uncomfortable because she is standing with a little person. Well maybe Marlow is the one who should be embarrassed to be seen with YOU, Julia, because you vaguely resemble Big Bird, ever think of that? In what I can only imagine is the entire premise for Little People, Big World, Marlow is almost ignored at the ticket booth, because the vendor can’t see him below the window. Poor little guy.

In the theater while they’re sitting and the height disparity isn’t so noticeable, Marlow puts the moves on Julia and they make out. Julia, as she often does, storms out of the theater. FOLLOW THAT BIRD!

Marlow follows Julia outside and they both apologize, as people on television shows often do after they kiss. Julia is, well, married and Marlow is, well, tiny. It could never work! Marlow tells Julia that he has feeling for her like he’s never felt before. And here is where my rage blackout comes in. You have feelings for her that intense?!?!? Okay, fine. Why. No seriously, I’m waiting. Explain to me why. Or show me where these mondo-intense feelings originated. Because if I remember correctly, you guys made out last week, somewhat out of the blue, after Julia said she needed you to help her with the baby’s claws. So now because you’ve kissed twice and like the same movie, Julia is the love of your life? Is it just me, or is there almost nothing appealing about Julia? And Marlow seems like a pretty well put together guy, someone who has overcome a very visible handicap. He’s well-read, artistic, articulate. Why is he so butt-crazy in love with Julia? I’m just kind of sick of this show telling us all of these major plot points, instead of showing us. How is it that I can believe Pam and Jim on The Office are in love when for nearly 30 episodes they didn’t do much more than stare longingly at one another?

Whoa what happened there? I think I just blacked out. In the words of Frank the Tank: “That’s how you do it! That’s how you debate!”

Anyway, over at Christian’s he’s all revved up and ready to go, waiting for his hot dish of hooker pie to walk through his door. Sadly, when the doorbell rings, it’s James. Not exactly what he paid for, but hey, nookie is nookie. James comes in, drinks some scotch and makes a none-too-subtly veiled analogy between her and the old, bitter, skanky scotch she is drinking. Both ripen over age. Both have crabs. But James is vewwwy sneaky, and makes Christian’s drink a roofie cocktail. Tear, I miss college.

James calls up Michelle to come to the apartment. She tells Michelle that unless she finds a kidney for her in the next 20 hours or so, she’s going to take both of Christian’s kidneys. Would it kill Christian? Yes. But the Asians are having a two-for-one Kidney sale, so it’s worth it in the end.

Michelle is off to find her some steamy, hot kidney, while James sticks around to guard the body. And yes, she does take the time to check out Christian’s package. And yes, she is impressed. Is anyone else starting to think that the writers of this show all have really small cocks?

Next up in the annoying Nip/Tuck guest star canon is Alanis Morisette, playing Lez’s girlfriend Poppy. The one thing that immediately strikes me is how normal her voice sounds. Hasn’t anyone else noticed that usually in not only her songs, but in interviews she talks like she has had a mild stroke? No, just me? Moving on then… Poppy, is a health nut, and she’s talking Lez up about getting involved in a 5K run after her second surgery in the past month. Probably not smart, but hey what do I know. If Alanis is supposed to sell Poppy as annoying, well then, she oughtta know (simple, yet effective), she’s done a pretty good job. While Sean agrees, Lez is blinded by love, although the two have only been dating for two weeks. It MUST be serious.

Christian, suffering from the worst roofie cocktail hangover ever, asks Sean for a blood test to see exactly what James put in his drink. At this point I can’t tell if Christian is a dope for not realizing that James drugging him and Michelle being a med student and a former hooker of James’ and the stealing of kidneys around the Miami-Dade County are all linked together, or if I just think he should know because I know. For once, I’ll give Christian the benefit of the doubt. Cocksucker. In the interim Christian tells Sean all about James, Michelle and the fact that there company is now owned by a hooker. Whoops!

Sean’s next patient happens to be Marlow. He’s interested in a leg lengthening procedure. Ugh. I feel another rage blackout coming on. Passing… passing… passing… Okay, that was a close one. So after two purely over the clothes tongue kisses, Marlow, who up until now seemed like the only sane guy around, has decided that he’s ready and willing to have an extremely painful procedure done to enhance his height by about 3 – 6 inches, all in the name of L-O-V-E. I won’t go into the details of the surgery, but it has something to do with metal rods, screws and an appearance by Albus Dumbledore. The best part of the scene, however, is when Marlow imagines life with Julia as a man of short stature instead of a little person. I can’t help but laugh, because “tall” Marlow looks oddly like “grown-up” Stewie from the Family Guy movie.

So Lez’s surgery is set to “Just the Way You Are” by Billy Joel. My question thus becomes how do you expect to give the woman liposuction, with all that cheese coming out of the speakers? ZING! Ironically, not only am I from Long Island where Billy Joel grew up, but I actually live in the same town and went to the same high school. Sorry, Bill. Somehow, the guys muddle through, as Poppy, also an anesthesiologist, starts complaining about Lez’s appearance. She’s wondering if while Lez is down, if they could just do a little something to her arm fat. Seriously, that’s what your concern is? How about a complete facial reconstruction? Wouldn’t that be a good place to start? Aww, Lez, if I didn’t hate you so much, I’d feel bad. Christian and Sean, are pretty taken aback by Poppy’s comments about Lez, and finish up the surgery, just doing the Lypo.

James heads out to her fancy car, opens the door and watches in horror as pounds of medical sewage and body fat come pouring out of the doors. It seems that Sean and Christian had a build up of spare parts that needed to be discarded for months that were being picked up today. Christian, ever the opportunist, decided that he would use this to his advantage when providing James with some payback from the Roofie Cocktail she served him up. James is reallllllly having a bad few days, and it’s a testament to how much Christian has fractured our relationship that I’m siding with James, the kidney stealer. James, hardly missing a beat (okay, she has to choke back some vomit), tells Christian that she will make it up to him with some Grade-A Top Quality cooter.

Sean checks in on Lez, and she asks him if she’s beautiful. I then have to rewind and watch the last 5 minutes over again because I laugh through them. Lez, it was just Lypo… Sean then tries to delicately tell Lez what a bitch Poppy is, but Lez doesn’t want to hear any of it. As usual, any time Sean actually needs to do the right (or hard) thing, like tell his good friend that her girlfriend thinks she’s a fat cow, he folds. Way to go Sean! Poppy then comes in and tries to snuggle with Lez. Instead of telling her how wonderful she’s going to look, Poppy tells Lez not to worry, next time they’ll do more to her. Lez, I’m sorry but there is no surgery to cure… a broken heart.

At the office, Michelle sees the hooker James has sent for Christian in the waiting room. This leads to yet another confrontation between these two, where Michelle is trying to warn Christian and Christian decides to wax poetic about his monstrous tool and how God wants him to use it. No, not that he is a monstrous tool, but that he has a big dick. Wait, didn’t you know? Christian is well-endowed! I know, they’ve been trying to keep it a very subtle implication, but it’s true. Also, psst, come closer and I’ll tell you, the ladies, they seem to find him irresistible.

Back at Sean & Julia’s, Sean is admiring Julia and a fussy Sebastian. Sean thinks that Sebastian might be cranky about the crazy, scary mural that Marlow put up, but Julia suspects that it’s because of the metal screw in Sebastian’s claw. I think that it’s probably combination of the two, mixed in with a little my parents suck. Julia defends Marlow’s painting, but Sean is quick to give Marlow the smack down, excited probably that for once he can call someone else out on their bullshit. He tells Julia all about the leggrowthopsy.

Julia having left, nay, stormed out of the house, when Sean started to screw in Sebastian’s claw/hand, heads over the Marlow’s, where he is listening to his most sensitive little person music, painting and wearing a tank top. He’s so soulful! Seriously, if Marlow wasn’t played by Peter Dinklage (who quite simply, rules), I doubt that I’d feel anything other than disdain for him. Julia tells Marlow not to get the leggrowthopsy, because she’s married and can’t be with him. Marlow counters with the very real possibility that she may not always be married to Sean. Julia, showing almost no faith in her marriage whatsoever, agrees. I’d probably have taken this a lot less hard if it hadn’t come on the heels of the Reese & Ryan break-up. Seriously? Reese and Ryan? If they can’t make it…

Anywho, Marlow claims that in every other way, besides her being Big Bird to his Elmo, they are perfect for one another (WHY!?!? DEAR GOD WHY!?!?!). This leads to the greatest Midget sex scene since Zoolander. Alright, there was no “sex scene” (what a rip-off), but there was a little pillow talk. I found the whole thing positively delightful, in the most unintentional way possible.

At the House on Haunted Hill, Michelle meets Landau’s nurse in the hallway, and although Landau is feeling particularly ill, she lets the woman leave for the evening. At the same time, Christian is getting his money’s worth with James’ whore.

Landau begins to feel ill, and realizes he is soon going to die. In this moment of realization he reaches out to his estranged wife, asks to see her boobies and tells her that it was a fun ride while it lasted. Michelle scoffs at this, especially showing the old geez her tatas. Any love that she had for him went bye bye bye once he forced her to make love to another man in front of him. Landau asks why she stayed with him if that was the case, and Michelle tells him that she stayed with him because she pitied him. Ouch. All this stress leads Landau’s ticker to go all crazy-like. He tells Michelle he needs his medicine, but she goes all Sherry Palmer on his ass, refusing to get it for him. Landau decides that he’ll grab the pills himself, and makes it only as far as the stairs, crawling on all fours. We learn then that the reason for Michelle’s iciness was to get Landau’s kidney to save Christian and James. I’m a little confused on this plot point, like, for example, how she’s going to explain the missing kidney to the police, but that’s another story. I won’t think too deeply into it, because I like Michelle.

At Christian’s he’s taking a tinkle mid-foreplay as his happy hooker starts to get her razorblade ready. Ooh, that’s interesting. Alas, in the final moments there is a text message: ABORT OPERATION SKANKY KIDNEY. It seems Christian will stay in tact to terrorize for yet another day.

Lastly, Julia finally gets home from her midget night stand. Sean can smell the scent of midget spunk a mile away, and starts to question Julia. She claims she doesn’t want to lie to Sean, so she tells him that she went to Marlow’s. When Sean asks her why she went there, Julie decides to lie, and say because he’s her friend. Well, she stuck with the no lies thing for 20 seconds, which is impressive, I suppose. Sean finally puts it all together, and asks what they talked about, perhaps a leggrowthopsy? Julia admits that is what they talked about leaving Sean aware that Julia is the chick that makes Marlow want to be a real boy.

So Midget sex? Any thoughts on that…