Recap: Nip/Tuck: The Ghosts of Seasons Past

Those of us Nip/Tuck watchers who are thankful that the Carver is a thing of the past, yet confounded by this show’s inability to cohesively move current plot strands along in a timely manner, are not going to be too pleased with this week’s episode. For some reason there has been a continuing a misbegotten trend of returning former storylines (and by former I mean storylines that concluded three years ago) to the front line. Ever wondered what happened to Dr. Meryl Bobolit or Drug Kingpin Escobar (not just a figment of Sean’s imagination anymore)? Well, then this ep is for you. But, if you’re like me, and thought that those storylines ended quite satisfactorily when they first aired, you’ll be annoyed. VERY VERY ANNOYED. Ehh, at least Kimber was in this one… They’re not messing around tonight, and just getting right into things: Kimber and Matt are married and Kimber is preggers. If you think you hear the sound of a shotgun in the background, you’re mistaken; apparently Kimber and Matt love each other. It’s hard to believe because Kimber has reverted back to her old self, leaving the sweet, good natured Kimber of earlier this season in the dust. We can tell this because she seems to be channeling her inner Catherine Trammell. Needless to say Matt’s Two Dads are none too pleased about this latest predicament HK Jackson has gotten himself into. And by predicament I mean Kimber’s vagina. The reason that they are at Mac/Troy is not to only spread their joy (it’s not all Matt was spreading – RIMSHOT!), but to ask for a breast transplant removal surgery for Kimber. Happy wedding! It seems that Kimber will not be able to breast feed her baby with her fake boobies. Two other things of note in this scene: Kimber is being a controlling bitch toward HK Jackson; and 2) Christian is trying out a new messy hairstyle that makes him look even more like a 40-something trying desperately to still be a 20-something.

At the MacNamara house Sean is painting over Marlow’s beautiful, yet slightly creepy Garden of Eden mural in Sebastian’s nursery. Something tells me that Sebastian might have been more comfortable with an Under the Sea scene on his wall. ZING! Julia is obviously pisst off about this, but Sean doesn’t care. He doesn’t want any memory of Marlow around, as his suspicions of a Julia’s (tiny) affair are all but confirmed by her rant.

Back at the office the docs are performing surgery to the “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” possibly the most offensively annoying song of all-time. Sean inquires about Michelle, and Christian informs him that she is in Houston with lawyers, spreading her late husband’s ashes. Apparently, no one from the EMT to the police to the coroner found it odd that when Burt died he was sans one kidney. If anyone has a truck I can borrow, I’d really like to drive it through this show’s plot holes.

On another note, Christian asks if Sean has mentioned to Julia the unholy union of Hello Kitty Jackson and Kimber Trammell. Julia is obviously upset about HK Jackson’s decision, but is that really surprising? Does Julia have any other emotions other than anger? Oh yeah. She does a mean Righteous Indignation. Silly me. Sean also confides in Christian that he suspects Julia had affair with Marlow. Christian is shocked, but suddenly Sean leaps to Marlow’s defense (and probably trying to soothe his own ego) with a Size doesn’t matter comment that is particularly relative when discussing the diminutive Marlow. Christian doesn’t believe that Julia had an affair with the Manny, mostly because he echoes what we’re all thinking. It’s just too damn cliché. I mean, two people in the same house having affairs with their two nannies within weeks of one another? That just doesn’t happen. Of course while Christian is saying this someone is getting carved up by a penis-less serial rapist who is having an affair with his sister, so I guess it’s all to do with perspective on this show. Christian submits that its just Sean’s guilty conscience about banging Monica which has him suspicious of Julia. Sean admits that he doesn’t have any proof, just his gut. The same gut that told him having an affair with a crazy nanny would be a good idea in the first place? So as far as logic barometers are concerned I suppose his gut isn’t the best bet, although in this case it happens to be dead on.

Christian also mentions that he isn’t that worried about Kimber’s child being HK Jackson’s, since he and Kimber had a little tete-et-cock recently. According to Christian, his sperm knows its way around Kimber’s uterus, so it must be his. Isn’t Christian a doctor? Shouldn’t he know that this makes no sense? This does lead Sean to ask Christian if he’s ever had a baby someone else didn’t think was his.

For the love of all that is holy, what the hell is Meryl Bobolit doing here? Why is it parade of the Season 1 guest stars? For those of you who need a refresher (I know I did), Bobolit was a competing Plastic Surgeon acquaintance of Sean and Christian’s (I think they may have even all gone to Med School together?), whom they had run-ins with in the past. As a matter of fact, in one of the slimier things Christian has ever done to Kimber, he traded her to Bobolit for Bobolit’s fancy new car. And to think she wants to get back at him by getting pregnant by his son! The nerve! Anyway, Bobolit fell on some hard times and started working for an illegal back door Asian plastic surgeon chop shop. When one of the surgeries went wrong, a girl was killed and Bobolit went to jail. We haven’t seen or heard from him in about two years, if not longer. In fact, besides a mildly interesting theory that I had last season that Bobolit was the Carver, I haven’t given him a second thought.

Regardless, this is the first we are hearing of what’s happened to Bobolit in the past few years. It seems he was jailed, but cut a deal to help get Mme. Rose, the Asian Body Chop Shop ring leader, convicted. Bobolit’s problems didn’t end there, however, as he was raped repeatedly in jail and now needs a Pro bono Anal Retread. Christian says that he’ll retread Bobolit’s Anus alright! DRINK! Okay, that didn’t happen, I just wanted to drink. In order to protect himself from the rapes and to gain better general status, Bobolit got married in prison, which is not entirely unlike the circumstances under which K-Fed married Brit Brit.

Bobolit seems pretty happy about this decision, and even suggests that Christian would do the same thing if he were in his shoes. Or knees, as the case may be. Christian scoffs: “I’m no ones bitch, Meryl.” DRINK up ladies and gents! To prove his commitment, Bobolit even got his “husband’s” name branded on his ass. Kind of like crazy Brooke Shields’ Dr. Faith did with Christian’s name earlier this season. Dr. Who you ask? Don’t worry, I’m sure in another three years or so, her story line will be picked up right where it left off.

The real zinger here is who Bobolit’s hubby was. He was no other than… Escobar! Time warp back to Season 1 again. Escobar was a Spanish Drug lord whom Christian and Sean got entangled with years ago. Somehow they ended up with one of his foot soldiers, Sylvio, dead body in their possession (Sylvio was a pederast, but other than that, the details of his death are murky), and had to dispose of the body in the Florida Everglades. To free themselves of Escobar, they agreed to do a facial reconstructive surgery for him, so he could escape the country. Cleverly, Sean and Christian reconstructed his face so that he looked exactly like one of the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted Criminals. This was years ago, back when the show was innovative.

Escobar hasn’t been heard from or thought of in the last few years, until this season when Sean kept seeing him in his imagination (telling Sean to kill Monica, etc.). It’s completely and utterly moronic that the show dipped back in to this well and put its other plot strands on hold (Dr. Faith, Michelle & Burt, James, for fuck’s sake even Lez and Alanis), to tie up loose ends that weren’t untied in the first place. Smell that? It’s the putrid stench of desperation. Sadly, the show has already been green lit for a 5th Season.

Thus completing my weekly Nip Sucks rage blackout let’s move on shall we? It seems that Bobolit’s hubby has some surgeries he needs. The boys’ first instinct is to deny Bobolit, but he makes it clear that Escobar is ready to blab about the little friend in the Everglades if Sean and Christian don’t comply.

I suppose Sean’s visit from the Ghosts of Seasons Past wasn’t torture enough for him so he heads to visit Marlow. In Marlow’s loft he’s painting again and listening to jazz. Could this guy BE any more pretentious? Sean wants to know why Marlow cancelled his leggrowthopsy. Sean correctly deduces that the woman Marlow was doing it for broke up with him. Sean wants to know why? Was Big Bird Married? Marlow sees right through Sean’s poor attempts at subtlety. Marlow has a strict no pussy footing around policy. That’s right, he doesn’t pussy foot. Pussy footing is banned. Anyway, Sean, inspired by the lack of pussy and feet, wants Marlow to Straight-Up Now Tell Him (oh oh oh) is Marlow having affair with wife? Marlow gives an incredibly annoying answer about Julia and he having an “intimacy beyond employer/employee.” That sounds pretty Pussyfooty to me. Sean gets heated and looks like he’s going to take a swing at Marlow. Marlow notices this and gets on step stool so Sean and he are face to face, all but insuring that Sean won’t punch him because it’s just too low, even for Sean. Don’t worry Sean gets the last laugh when he screams: “I painted over your mural!” Perhaps he should also call Marlow a poppy face? That might really hurt him.

I think the timetable of this episode is seriously messed up, because now Sean and Christian are at the prison hospital visiting Escobar. It seems that the man whose face Sean and Christian gave Escobar was a child molester. For those of you who have never done hard time, it seems that Pedophiles are even less popular in prison than Republicans are in the Senate! Someone let Jon Stewart know that I am ready to take over for him whenever he’d like. The reason that Escobar called on Sean and Christian was because due to his lack of popularity with the inmates, he got his face all burned. Kind of like this guy.

It’s kind of funny when Escobar, all bandaged up, says: “Should I tell you what you don’t like about myself?” Escobar wants his old life back. This is where I’m assuming the writers of Nip/Tuck hope that every viewer watching had a simultaneous stroke and don’t think too hard about the fact that Escobar was convicted as the man whose face he had, not for the crimes that Escobar himself committed. No one ever figured out that Escobar was hiding under the Face/Off mask? RIIIIIIIGHT. Now, I don’t know much about police work, but if Escobar’s alias was that of a child molester wouldn’t there have been some, oh I don’t know, DNA evidence to link him to the crimes that he was investigated for? In fact, wouldn’t the DNA evidence that the prosecution surely would have requested, have exonerated him from the crime, considering the DNA wouldn’t have matched? I’m just spinning my wheels here, but if I can come up with that off the top of my head, with the only procedurals on my DVR being Bones and Law & Order: SVU, imagine what one of the Criminal Minds or CSI nuts would come up with.

Sean and Christian try to turn down Escobar, but he assures them that he has proof of their crime in the Everglades.

Bobolit gets his ass surgery. Christian asks him if he wants to remove Escobar’s brand, but Bobolit wouldn’t dream of it. Bobolit then has the best segue, like, ever: “Speaking of blondes who blow, how’s Kimber?”

Escobar is all Darth Vader with his bandages off. Escobar finds Sean’s lack of enthusiasm dissturbing as he should be very pleased that Escobar hasn’t killed him. He submits that Sean’s life could be a lot worse. Psych! This sends Sean into a tizzy, because at the end of the day, his life couldn’t really be much worse. Yeah, I’ve got to imagine your wife sleeping with your lobster-clawed infant’s midget Manny has got to be about as close to bottom as a person can get. Escobar sees through Sean’s pain and cuts right to the heart of the matter: “What’d you do to Julia?” He also gives Sean the very sensible advice of going home to confess to, beg forgiveness from and bang his wife.

Changing things up a bit, we see Kimber going through her Scientologist child exam, with Julia and Hello Kitty Jackson in tow. Kimber is planning a silent birth, which we know is all the rage ever since Katie brought her Michael Myers look a-like daughter, Suri, into the world via the same method. Even Kelly Preston had her children via silent births. This leads Matt to ask the question that is on all of our minds: “Who is Kelly Preston?” WHO INDEED, HK! WHO INDEED!

After Kimber flips out over HK Jackson providing her with flat instead of sparkling water, Julia has had enough. Any hope that she would, you know, STAY QUIET goes right out the window, even though her estranged son confesses that he’ll need her to lean on. Kimber overhears Julia questioning whether or not HK Jackson and Kimber are happy and chimes in that they are in love. Kimber then gets real bitchy with Julia saying that she understands that the emotions of impending GRANDmotherhood are complicated. Julia laughs this off saying that there is nothing complicated about her feelings for the woman who has sexually manipulated every man in her family.

Just as Julia is, wait for it, storming out of Kimber’s, Christian shows up. He’s there to announce that Kimber will get her surgery in the morning. No silicon milk for Baby Hello Kitty Jackson!!!

At the homestead, Julia has finished painting over the Eden mural. Julia admits to the little people, big sex with Marlow. Sean wants to know WHY!?!?! Julia claims it’s because Marlow accepted Connor from the beginning, while Sean only wanted to change him. I slaim that it’s because Julia is a total asshole. Sean then starts asking the nitty gritty questions: How many times did they do it? Did Marlow make her cum? What positions did they use? All I keep thinking is that whoever wrote this episode must’ve worn their copy of Closer out, because the argument is almost verbatim to the one Julia Roberts and Clive Owen have, far superiorly, in that film. These leads to one of those hot and heavy TV moments where the fight leads to hot sex and Sean proclaiming: “I forgive you!”

Kimber is about to go into surgery. Christian is not only putting her under he’s numbing her below the breasts. But why? It seems that after Christian removes the implants, he also takes some baby blood. Sneaky, sneaky Christian.

Christian enters the waiting room to tell HK Jackson that Kimber is fine. HK Jackson thanks Christian profusely, but all Christian can come up with is telling his son what a loser he is, which, while a valid point, might be neither here nor there. Christian tells Matt that he has the vial of baby blood to prove the paternity of the baby. It’s hysterical when Matt asks his father/wife’s surgeon, if he asked Kimber for permission to extract blood for her unborn child’s body and Christian is dumbfounded. Please let the next episode be about the massive malpractice lawsuit Kimber files against Christian!

Escobar’s surgery is starting with no guards, but one insurance policy: Bobolit in the surgery. Hands down the best part of this episode is the fact that this surgery’s soundtrack involves the lyrics: “FRANKIE SAYS RELAX!” Now I’m not saying that the writers stole from Zoolander, but it’s a little suspicious that once the song starts Bobolit convinces Nurse Linda to take a powder and then unsuccessfully tries to kill Escobar. I’m just saying…

Escobar’s surgery is complete, and he looks like Freddy Kruger and Pinhead’s love child. His old crony, Alejandro (who also happens to be Sylvio’s revenge seeking brother) is posing as Escobar’s night nurse. Under the guise of changing Escobar’s bandages, Alejandro hands Escobar a gun.

Christian is at the “Who’s Your Daddy” Doctor office, and is quite sure Kimber’s child is his. Sorry Christian, you lose again. It’s definitely not Christian’s child, but the doctor can confirm that the father is related to Christian. Just like Hello Kitty Jackson!

Christian is all long faces when he heads back to the office. However, he is not deterred by the fact that Escobar’s guards are all dead. He keeps searching instead of running, discovering that Escobar, who must be an even better healer than Claire on “Heroes”, has flown the coup.

Escobar has flown directly to Sean’s house. As Escobar starts talking to Sean, he is convinces his nemesis is simply another vision of his imagination, as Escobar has been all season. But this Escobar is very much real!

He starts monologuing about how the whole set up for the surgery was a ruse. He paid off the guards, the warden and even lit his own face on fire just to get out of jail and stick it to Sean one last time. Escobar will set Sean free, unfortunately, NOT through gruesomely murdering Sean. He tells Sean that the evidence he had against him is in the den. That “evidence” is Alejandro’s dead carcass. I know it’s convoluted, just go with it, it’s over now.

The episode ends on an unintentionally hilarious note, as Sean goes into the bedroom, where Julia is washing up, no idea that an escaped convict drug lord with a hard-on for her husband was just in her living room where he left a dead body in his wake. Oh well!

Sean has nothing to say to Julia other than to admit to his affair with Monica.

Next week is this season’s very special episode, where we get to see what the future holds for the MacNamara/Troys through Sebastian’s beady little lobster eyes.